6 Weeks before the wedding & now this...

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Nov 16, 2015
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#1
I have been living with a man for 6 months. When I moved in I had to move away from my job. He begged and pleaded, so I did, since he promised to take care of me until I found a new job. That didn't take more than 2 weeks. I found a good position. But, when I moved in he asked me to take any money I had left and put it into our new bank account. He said if he was going to be paying my bills, he wanted the rest of my money. I obliged. However, he was spending a lot of money. I saw that the surplus of what I made ...was non existent. No more retirement contribution etc. he said he stopped contributing to his...so he expected the same.

I also have a child from a previous marriage and one day I told him I wanted to give money toward his sports fees. He went nuts. He said we are on a very tight budget and it didn't fit. He even said once...."if you are so up your ex's arse, why don't you go back to him and you and I can just fu*k and I'll be the fun guy." I immediately began crying and said that was mean. He said I like to play the victim and I'm a manipulative game player. So, instead of asking things like that again -- I began taking small amounts of money from my check and putting it back into my solo account and giving money to my child at times like this.

Now, 6 months later, we are about to get married and he went through my purse and found check stubs for this type of thing. He's now demanding to see all my accounts, including my fidelity for the past YEAR. He says that I'm untrustworthy and he can't marry me until he sees this.

The problem is I have about 5k saved for taxes (he spent my tax money and says he will replenish when the tax bill is due). If I show him these accounts, I think he's going to try and take the money. Personally, I'd like to give to my child savings account or something. I know once we are married that becomes both of our money.

Is it fair for him to demand this of me? I have lied to him about the account and the balance because I didn't want him taking any more of my money. Honestly, I have considered leaving him and I wanted to have some money available in case I needed to get my own place fast.

The other issue is my family won't be attending this wedding, because they don't approve. This has been very hard on me. I have cried and he has said it's further proof that I am unstable and not ready for marriage. I said so now you don't want to marry me? He says he does but he thinks "I AM" the one with problems and I need to think deeply about what I really want. He says that he's not going to change and I am often "impossible" to live with.
 
Nov 16, 2015
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#2
I should also point out that just last week he said that for the first time in his life he felt like he wanted to kill himself. He said that the stress of being with me is just overwhelming and every area of his life is fuc*ed. Well, he threatened suicide last year when I was working and I called 911 -- and he was very angry. I realized then it was just manipulation.

So they other day I told him he needed help if that was true....he obviously snapped out of it. Well, yesterday I was telling him that day he threatened this I felt I needed to leave him but I've stayed because I love him so much. He said that he would never kill himself - that indeed he was playing with me....and that he loves himself too much. THEN he said, besides, It would make it too easy for you! I said WHAT? He said that if he died - it would be the perfect way for me to move on and he wouldn't give me that satisfaction.
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
15,050
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#3
Is this really what you want?

Looks to me like it's time to find out how fast and far you can run.

New flash....he's not going to change. Thank God you found out before the marriage.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 

BruceWayne

Senior Member
Aug 7, 2013
3,694
357
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Gotham City
#4
He sounds unstable. If he was just "playing" with you about that.. well, people who truly care about you don't joke about such things. I'll just say what I would tell any friend, sister, etc. I would suggest that you get out of that and save yourself from future troubles. A marriage built on mistrust and emotional games isn't good for anyone.
 
V

VioletReigns

Guest
#5
I'm with your family on this one -- they see something that you refuse to see. That man has no respect or regard for your welfare or your child's. As a mother, you need to get your child out of this situation as soon as possible.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
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#6
He's controlling and manipulative. Drop him like a hot potato and for goodness sake, DONT MARRY HIM...
 
A

AChildoftheKing

Guest
#7
Everything here sounds like the exact opposite of anything you should want or need. I would highly recommend that you have nothing to do with this man and urge you to avoid marriage at all cost. You do not need this man with you the rest of your life!
 
H

Hellooo

Guest
#8
Um...so why do you want to commit to this man for the rest of your life again??

You already know the answer to the problem here.
 
Nov 16, 2015
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I know it seems easy and clear cut but I do love this man and I even gave up my career to move with him. I had a great job and he hated my hours. So I quit and relied on him .... I currently have a great job now too ...making 165k. But he likes to point out that I make half of what he does. And here's the issue. We live paycheck to paycheck. Very little debt but he spends money. He bought a brand new sports car 2 months ago and his payment is 1200 a month. He had a big house that I moved into and it's expensive. He keeps throwing it in my face that I'm ungrateful etc.

I'm all about sharing finances ...but telling me that I can't get sports gear for my child when I make 165k is insane to me.

Now the question is...why can't I get the guts to leave?
 
Dec 1, 2014
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#10
What is it about his controlling, demanding, oppressive mannerisms that you love? Its only going to get worse; do you really want your child to have to endure this guy's nonsense? You know what you need to do but you're not ready just yet. We'll be praying for your peace, serenity and safety.
 
H

Hellooo

Guest
#11
As much as I'd love to offer my unsolicited thoughts on the financial situation you've outlined, what are your thoughts on the question to you asked....why are you with him, and why are you planning on committing the rest of your life to this man? Why?
 
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CarolSampaio

Guest
#12
Girl... run to the hills... not kidding... a man like this will make your life miserable. You want a partner for life, someone who will support you and who will be by your side... not a crazy dictator. A husband should bring out the best in you, not make you feell the worst person alive...

Don't do this to yourself... and I tell you... he is one step away of becoming phisically violent toward you... he alredy is psichologicaly violent... he's hurting you over and over without actually hitting you, but do not be fooled... he will!!

So get out!! Find a place for yourself... get out of his house. Don't subject yourself to this kind of abuse. It's not worth it!
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
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#13
I know it seems easy and clear cut but I do love this man and I even gave up my career to move with him. I had a great job and he hated my hours. So I quit and relied on him .... I currently have a great job now too ...making 165k. But he likes to point out that I make half of what he does. And here's the issue. We live paycheck to paycheck. Very little debt but he spends money. He bought a brand new sports car 2 months ago and his payment is 1200 a month. He had a big house that I moved into and it's expensive. He keeps throwing it in my face that I'm ungrateful etc.

I'm all about sharing finances ...but telling me that I can't get sports gear for my child when I make 165k is insane to me.

Now the question is...why can't I get the guts to leave?

What's insane is that you make $165,000 yet you're "living paycheck to paycheck." What is also insane is WHY you want to stay with a dangerous, manipulative, controlling man who OBVIOUSLY loves playing you like a fiddle. He doesn't give one crud about you at all, yet you stay with him and subject yourself to his malarkey..
 
J

JeniBean

Guest
#14
I could say, so so much...however I am trying hard to hold me tongue here so I will ask this.....

Do you love him or are you in love with the thought of being in love?
 
V

VioletReigns

Guest
#15
It doesn't take guts to leave him - it takes truth to set us free.

Here's the truth: Love is patient, love is kind, love isn't selfish, love rejoices in truth, love never fails.

You are not in a loving relationship. This man is manipulating you and not allowing you to meet your child's needs. That is horrible! Your child will receive the worst of this bad situation, you can be certain of that. Please let your child have good memories of his youth - get him out of that battleground now!
 
Jun 23, 2015
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#16
You cannot expect to find a peaceful loving life when you move in and shack up with a controlling abusive man.
In the first place, you went against what God wants for you by living your sinful life. You need Jesus Christ and not the catholic traditions and sacraments. You were not saved when you were baptized. Read the gospels. Ask God to teach you and reveal to you the truth.
Secondly,
It sounds to me that you already know this man is not for you and especially not your daughters step father!!
Your family doesnt approve . They can see him for who he is because they arent snarled in the fornication that is fogging your brain. When you choose sinning thats what you get and all the consequences that comes with it. Too bad your daughter/son has to eat from the same table. he/She didnt ask for a crazy life did she?

1) Gather up all your financial paperwork. Put it in a safe deposit box.
2) Put your money in new accounts and keep records in a place other than where you live.
3) Arrange to move asap. I would not tell him in advance. I would move when he is at work. Your daughter doesnt need to know until the very minute you are moving. Dont burden her with your drama.
4) Leave the man you love for all the wrong reasons a letter explaining why you left and you will not be marrying him.
Make sure you have everything lined up for when help comes to help you move. Move when he is at work and make sure he suspects nothing. Get out of this mess! Do it asap and run after Jesus.

Im sorry if I sound harsh. You are 40 yrs old. You should know better than to jump into unchartered waters. Your son/daughter depends on you. He/She deserves a peaceful home where she feels secure. Plz learn from your mistakes and ask your son/daughter to forgive you. Better now than when he/she is 35 and reliving the mess you put him/her in.


May the Lord bless you and draw you to HIM. Amen
 
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Nov 16, 2015
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#17
My son doesn’t live with us - only every other weekend and I visit him twice a week.
My ex husband fought hard to keep my son with him and I pay child support. My ex was angry about this
relationship but he also saw that I was trying to move him away. I live 2.5 hours away and I travel there twice
a week and every other weekend.

Lately, I’ve been going more frequently and my fiancé is very angry. He says “I don’t want an absent wife”. I have NEVER stayed over night
it’s only been day trips to see him unless my fiance’ goes along, which he insists on.

If I call him while he’s at work in the morning and tell him I want to go see my son he becomes livid and says that I need to give him 48 hours notice
and I am clearly “hiding something”. I tell him no I’m not! He will say…fine, then wait for me! So, I will wait for him to get out of work - and he will go with —
sometimes he even leaves work early because he hates having me out of his sight. He is suspicious all the time of me and my son gets super annoyed that he can
rarely spend individual time with me.

He seems to enjoy time with my fiancé (he spoils him rotten when they are together) but he isn’t stupid…he sees what’s going on.

It’s coming up on Thanksgiving — and leaving now seems very difficult. I don’t know how to take it emotionally… but, I do have my son for the holiday.
 
V

VioletReigns

Guest
#18
I don't think one person on this entire site will advise you to stay in that ungodly relationship. The fact is, whether you stay or not, it's doomed for failure.
 
Nov 16, 2015
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#19
It does seem doomed. I think leaping out and committing to never speaking to him again, seems like impossible feat.
 
Dec 1, 2014
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#20
My son doesn’t live with us - only every other weekend and I visit him twice a week.
My ex husband fought hard to keep my son with him and I pay child support. My ex was angry about this
relationship but he also saw that I was trying to move him away. I live 2.5 hours away and I travel there twice
a week and every other weekend.

Lately, I’ve been going more frequently and my fiancé is very angry. He says “I don’t want an absent wife”. I have NEVER stayed over night
it’s only been day trips to see him unless my fiance’ goes along, which he insists on.

If I call him while he’s at work in the morning and tell him I want to go see my son he becomes livid and says that I need to give him 48 hours notice
and I am clearly “hiding something”. I tell him no I’m not! He will say…fine, then wait for me! So, I will wait for him to get out of work - and he will go with —
sometimes he even leaves work early because he hates having me out of his sight. He is suspicious all the time of me and my son gets super annoyed that he can
rarely spend individual time with me.

He seems to enjoy time with my fiancé (he spoils him rotten when they are together) but he isn’t stupid…he sees what’s going on.

It’s coming up on Thanksgiving — and leaving now seems very difficult. I don’t know how to take it emotionally… but, I do have my son for the holiday.
You sound like my last girlfriend -- and the same age too. Are your initials ST? If its you, ha ha, I'm glad you have heartburn. :p If you're not her then my sincere prayers for you will continue. :)