Marriage in Crisis

[ShaneC]

For some reason I feel led start off saying that I have been saved since I can remember. I have backslidden of course, but I have always came back. I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit when I was like...8? So...backslidden or not, I have always believed that God has had His hand in everything in my life.

I have been with my husband for about 3.5 years...our two year wedding anniversary is 1/9. He....has been saved, but is currently full out backsliding...This is a really long story, I will try to cut to the chase.

We foolishly brought trust issues into our marriage. He...cried and begged me not to leave him when I thought(knew) he was lying to me. I vowed that we would work on things and I would stay with him, but we were not married until a few months later.

A side note about how we met* I was best friends with his sister for 6 years. I met him years ago but it wasn't until 2012 I took note of him. He had come to stay with us on furlough from rehab(yes, I know). He had just committed his life to Jesus and when I saw him that night he had this glow...like if you have ever heard the term "oily"...he had that just saved in love with Jesus look...and after knowing him years, I was like...hooked. We fell in love hard and fast and about 2 months later he was kicked out of rehab for failing a drug test. I think he thought I was going to turn my back on him but I stayed by his side. And a few months later he went to jail, because rehab was a condition of his probation(whole other story). When he got out his family had turned their back on him so I moved out of the apt I shared with his sister to live with him. My husband has spent a lot of years on the street, homeless.

So there we were living in sin. We weren't going to church, but I attended Celebrate Recovery meetings with him every week. I got pregnant that second year with twins and had them last year in 2014...this is where it gets extra tricky.

Basically something happened to one of our kids that was detrimental in his care....twice. I don't want to go in to details, but it was bad. Though he said he didn't know what happened, because I didn't trust him...it was like we didn't stand a chance. This happened in October and I don't know if I was being selfish or selfless, but all I could think about was how I could not be with him if I did not believe him. I BEGGED him to move out for months and April he finally did. We were supposed to keep fighting for our marriage but soon he was smoking weed...not wanting to spend time with me. He hasn't seen our girls since May.
We just started speaking again two weeks ago after not seeing one another for about 2 months? He missed the birth of our son. I was met with " I wanna work things out"...and three days later it was "I lied so I could see the kids"...he also has a gf who looks...worst for wear...I wont lose my religion talking down on her.
I feel in my spirit that I need to fight for my marriage. Pray for my husbands salvation...stand and FIGHT. He wants a divorce...I don't. We have ...so many things to work on, but I know how God feels about marriage. I have repented for separating to begin with because I know now that was wrong.

I just love him. No matter how much he has hurt me...I love him. I know God will not affect free will, but he can change his heart. I know that he loves me. He told me before he totally shut down on me. Anyone out there standing for their marriage? Any advice? It has only been two weeks and I feel mentally and emotionally sometimes even physically drained. I need to focus on my self and children, but I shouldn't forget about him, right?

So much for being brief...

 

[damombomb]

What happened to your daughter in his care, before i answer. If you don't mind.

 

[ShaneC]

I prefer not to put the details online, but it was not of the sexual nature if that's what ur wondering. It was negligent and possibly abusive though as the injury was severe....she's wonderful now...but wasn't then.

 

[popeye]

People are fickle. That is what you are up against.

I wish things were different for you,but we are in the nasty now,and now.

The guy needs a miracle. It is between him and God. If you can,don't let him see the kids again. let that little ingredient work on his soul.(we want him to hit bottom) Let him hit it. He needs that.

Now,for you. You need to let this trial propel you to the next level with your relationship with God. Start pressing into heaven. Worship,read,pray,and prophesy over yourself. Say "....and she devoted herself to prayer and Gods word" as if you are looking back on your life.

Absolutely divorce this world. Reinvent Yourself as an on fire ,blown out for Jesus,Holy Ghost fireball.

That will be your game changer.

Focus,focus ,focus.
Go to meetings. PRAY "LORD LEAD ME TO YOUR REMNANT PEOPLE"

 

[dalconn]

I'm going to travail in the Holy Spirit over this one. Just know my sister that Jesus does care about your family and hearing the voice of God is so crucial to know which way to go. The Holy Spirit is God in us and with us to see us through the journey of life.
I'm praying for you

 

[tourist]

You and your children are in a losing and possibly dangerous situation. My advice is to do the best that you can and move forward without him. Welcome to CC.

 

[Cindy12]

People are fickle. That is what you are up against.

I wish things were different for you,but we are in the nasty now,and now.

The guy needs a miracle. It is between him and God. If you can,don't let him see the kids again. let that little ingredient work on his soul.(we want him to hit bottom) Let him hit it. He needs that.

Now,for you. You need to let this trial propel you to the next level with your relationship with God. Start pressing into heaven. Worship,read,pray,and prophesy over yourself. Say "....and she devoted herself to prayer and Gods word" as if you are looking back on your life.

Absolutely divorce this world. Reinvent Yourself as an on fire ,blown out for Jesus,Holy Ghost fireball.

That will be your game changer.

Focus,focus ,focus.
Go to meetings. PRAY "LORD LEAD ME TO YOUR REMNANT PEOPLE"

I've never been one to agree with keeping a child away from his or her parent unless there is physical, mental, or emotional abuse. I think its good for children to maintain a relationship with their dad - and even if you have to have supervised visitations (or with you), I would allow him to see his children. That's just my opinion. Now, if there is risk of physical abuse, I would not let him have them alone at all, but your a wise woman, I am sure you know the details that no one else does. If you have nothing in writing saying that he cannot see them, I think he could legally get them anyway, so be cautious about what you do. If I didn't want a divorce, I wouldn't agree to a divorce or file for a divorce. I'd lay low and see what happens. Oftentimes, we act too quickly and have regrets. Pray about this and I will be praying for you as well.

 

[Dino246]

Shane, welcome to CC and thanks for sharing. I will pray for you, and offer a few bits of insight...

Separating from a man who is using drugs and is dishonest and neglectful is not sinful, so please let that go. Separation is a legitimate consequence of bad behaviour, and it does not necessarily lead to divorce. Yes, God does hate divorce, but that statement is often 'divorced' from its context. God hates the abuse and unfaithfulness of troubled marriages as well. The way I read that is that God hates divorce because it does damage to a person, as much as He hates the circumstances which lead to divorce. As I'm going through a divorce not of my choosing, I have a bit of experience in the matter.

I respect your desire to stand for your marriage, though frankly I think you need to get your head straight first. You have married a man who repeatedly and clearly demonstrated poor choices in life prior to the marriage, and continues to do so. You have one good reason to divorce him: adultery. My opinion is that you would do better to divorce him and move on. Please read this as bluntly as I write it:

You can't fix your husband. You can't save your husband. You can't change your husband.

But God can.

Get some solid Christian counseling for yourself. Get your own support network in place, for you and your kids. Don't be half-hearted about this. Choose one way or the other, and don't waffle. Put the marriage in God's hands. Trust Him completely with the outcome. And should you choose to continue fighting for your marriage, pray unceasingly and let God work out the details. He still works miracles.

 

[ShaneC]

Thank you. I am not really sure how to respond to these threads yet, but did want to make sure to say Thank you! He does not make an effort to see our children, so that is not hard to do. I try to encourage him to see them, but I feel like that needs to come to in an end.

 

[ShaneC]

Im not exactly sure what I am doing here in my reply, as I am trying to make sure it is seen by all who responded.

Two times I have seen Psalms 30: 5 this week..."...Weeping may remain for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." First it was sent to me by a family member and the next time I saw it when I logged on to facebook. At first I rebuffed, but still meditated on it,because at the time I was still going to bed weeping, waking up and weeping a lot of the day.

But last night was the first night I didn't weep before I slept. It is afternoon and I have not yet cried. It is also the first morning I have woke up and not felt compelled to contact my husband.

Some of the things you all have written, have been confirmation of things already spoken to me or I have felt in my spirit. I know that I need to get the vertical right and focus on the only one who can carry me through this. I know that I can't save my husband. I didn't bring him to Jesus before and I cant bring him there now. I can only pray for him because the bible does say to pray for our enemies. And unfortunately my husband has taken that stance right now.

Also unfortunate, I know that I don't have the right to with hold our children. But it does not matter , because he does not try to see them. When he does he is not consistent. My attorney has made it clear though that he does not have a case for custody as he is living in deplorable living conditions, using drugs and even has a warrant out for his arrest at the time.

That's what gets me...he told me the other day that he knew that things just had to get better for him somehow, some way. And I feel like YES there is a way! You have TRIED it your way your whole life...it has not worked. The only time my husband has really had a stable home was the time he was with me. I think my prayer, right now...is not for God to restore my marriage, because I know that if that's what God is going to do he will and if I need to pray that way later, I will. But right now I am asking God to help me to love like Jesus. To love past the hurt, the anger...all of it.

 

[Angela53510]

He abuses drugs and alcohol, and then did "something" to one of your children? He is living with another woman?

What is there to think about??!! You need this man out of your life, before you end up abused or your children, or you get STD's etc. You made some very foolish decisions in living with him in sin, and not watching for the warning signs. It sounds like he was planted on rocky soil, he sprang up full of joy, and then the new life had no roots and he just died spiritually.

Please get a custody order for your children, and a separation agreement in place for yourself. If he one day actually gets some roots in his Christian walk, and WANTS to see his children, you can revisit all that. A man that doesn't want to see his children is a narcissist or worse.

Time to move on! God is not going to fault you for trying to provide a better life for your children and for you! And do find time every day to read your Bible and pray! It is in prayer we touch the heart of God. And ask God if you should pray for your husband, or if he is a reprobate and has no intention of changing his wicked ways.