Help with Blending Families actually just my daughter and fiancee...

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santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#21
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
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#21
I have even thought about counseling with a Christian counselor before we even setting a date to try and tackle this issue before it causes harm or serious divide.
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Yes, yes, and YES!!!

It is VITAL that you three get on the same page BEFORE getting married. If it can't be resolved to everyone's satisfaction, then you may have to call the marriage off.

I have no other advice to give since I've never been in your situation, and the situation is complex. Professional Christian counseling is probably your best bet.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#22
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
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#22
Toya10 said:
Yes she will adjust she always does adapt but I think time is needed. I do correct her because I will not allow her to be mean and disrespectful! I have told him some of her daddy issues she is taking out on him and he gets that and sometimes he is ok and more understanding but my daughter has even asked to go back to her own counselor to talk about how her dad hurt her feelings and she just wanted to talk it out. So I try to get him to see stop making it quite so personal my child is dealing with alot of internal turmoil and she prays and know God is her strength she is being semi rebellious. Just wish I had more support than bashing from him on it and with her.
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If she's asking to go to her counselor again, that's a good sign. DEFINITELY let her do it!! As for her daddy issues, does she ever get to see him, or does that make her worse? Sounds like she's been through alot in her young life, and will definitely need time to adjust, however long that may take.
 
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Cindy12

Senior Member
#23
Jan 5, 2015
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#23
Toya10 said:
Agreed wholeheartedly. However, she may do something he looks at me and says " go on handle it" and just stares at me. Like right now while I'm watching, chastise her. He won't say anything to her even in love as it involves correction. Then if I don't he will sit in my bedroom and be antisocial which then has been back and forth between visiting with him and spending time with her.
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I think it is 100% wrong of him to stare at you and tell you to handle it right in front of her. He is testing you and that is WRONG!! I come from a blended marriage (I had 2 children prior to marrying my husband with no children) and I have to admit, I was not always a united front with my spouse when it came to my kids. But, over the years, its all worked itself out. I think your daughter is just jealous of losing you to him - partly because he is being clear to show his "authority" right in front of you and her. She probably senses he is being a jerk. (like me). Sorry, but its truly how I feel. Your daughter is going to experience some jealousy and worry -- after all, the only one she can depend on over the past years is her mom, so she is just afraid. Give her time.
 
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Toya10

Guest
#24
#24
santuzza said:
Yes, yes, and YES!!!

It is VITAL that you three get on the same page BEFORE getting married. If it can't be resolved to everyone's satisfaction, then you may have to call the marriage off.

I have no other advice to give since I've never been in your situation, and the situation is complex. Professional Christian counseling is probably your best bet.
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Yea this is kinda of where I am at with it! We need help. We have even prayed about it together but we need that in addition to professional guidance. I think
 
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Cindy12

Senior Member
#25
Jan 5, 2015
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#25
tourist said:
The hard core biblical disciplinarian is a red flag for me. It seems also that he always has to be right, at least in his mind.

Has he explained his views on the submission of the wife yet?

This man appears to have a cold heart and a calculating mind.

I believe that there is going to be trouble down the road if you actually marry this guy. I wouldn't be super ecstatic about this either.
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You said it better than me. Took the words right outta my mouth. Agree with you 100% and I am from a blended family marriage!
 
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Toya10

Guest
#26
#26
Cindy12 said:
I think it is 100% wrong of him to stare at you and tell you to handle it right in front of her. He is testing you and that is WRONG!! I come from a blended marriage (I had 2 children prior to marrying my husband with no children) and I have to admit, I was not always a united front with my spouse when it came to my kids. But, over the years, its all worked itself out. I think your daughter is just jealous of losing you to him - partly because he is being clear to show his "authority" right in front of you and her. She probably senses he is being a jerk. (like me). Sorry, just how I feel.
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Yes I am very outspoken but I have bridled my tongue and she sees that so when she says stuff she then hugs me and says she was taking up for me. I'm like "sweetie,mommy is ok trust me I got this. You can't overstep your boundaries as a kid though and you know that."She says she understands.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#27
#27
After reading your op again I am very concerned that you are walking into something that will turn out being a huge setback for you and your daughter. After giving it a shot myself if I had to do over again I would wait til my son is 18 before I got involved with someone again. You only have 8 years to wait...I intend on waiting the 10 years til my boy is an adult.
 
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Cindy12

Senior Member
#28
Jan 5, 2015
243
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#28
Toya10 said:
Yes I am very outspoken but I have bridled my tongue and she sees that so when she says stuff she then hugs me and says she was taking up for me. I'm like "sweetie,mommy is ok trust me I got this. You can't overstep your boundaries as a kid though and you know that."She says she understands.
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You have a smart little girl ... I think she can sense he is bullying you. And he is.
 
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Toya10

Guest
#29
#29
blue_ladybug said:
If she's asking to go to her counselor again, that's a good sign. DEFINITELY let her do it!! As for her daddy issues, does she ever get to see him, or does that make her worse? Sounds like she's been through alot in her young life, and will definitely need time to adjust, however long that may take.
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My ex husband was around while we were married full time dad when he stepped out and got put out he never was the same as far as a dad. That was when she was 5. He makes false promises and doesn't follow through. She didnt even hear from him on Christmas. She loves him so much when he comes around he tries to buy her affection. I think she is mean to my fiancee too because his kids will be over and she sees them with him and probably longs for it. I think its an onion effect of issues and help is needed.

When she does talk to her dad he blames it on the military but he just went back active this year and he can still call or email he just doesn't and says hes been too busy. She has made comments in counseling like she doesn't feel good enough so she tries to over compensate in so much. She got a B in math and I mean it was a HUGE break down of emotion for her that she didn't get straight A's and Ive always just said do your best I dont push her like that. So it's a lot and when I try to get my fiancee to sympathize a little he is like that has nothing to do with correction and disrespect just completely not listening to the circumstances that may effect why.
 
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Toya10

Guest
#30
#30
Sirk said:
After reading your op again I am very concerned that you are walking into something that will turn out being a huge setback for you and your daughter. After giving it a shot myself if I had to do over again I would wait til my son is 18 before I got involved with someone again. You only have 8 years to wait...I intend on waiting the 10 years til my boy is an adult.
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I hear you and one thing that I have been given through prayer is patience and to take my time to really see what Gods plan is. I will not be rushed into this I can say that. I have been single before and if I have to I will be again.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#31
#31
Blending families is so difficult. It will be the most difficult thing you will do and even tho you may love your fiancé it isn't enough. It sounds to me like he doesn't know how to process his pain. He lashes out, criticizes, attempts to control and disconnects. If he doesn't have a handle on that now it will only get worse. His anger will grow and pretty soon you all will be emotionally abusing each other. I'm sorry for the fatalistic post on your thread but if you get married with the ways things are I'm afraid your future is fraught with peril and heart ache.
 
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Toya10

Guest
#32
#32
Sirk said:
Blending families is so difficult. It will be the most difficult thing you will do and even tho you may love your fiancé it isn't enough. It sounds to me like he doesn't know how to process his pain. He lashes out, criticizes, attempts to control and disconnects. If he doesn't have a handle on that now it will only get worse. His anger will grow and pretty soon you all will be emotionally abusing each other. I'm sorry for the fatalistic post on your thread but if you get married with the ways things are I'm afraid your future is fraught with peril and heart ache.
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:( I know he has some issues to going back to his mom and he has been in counseling and he has ADHD for real so his brain goes a mile a minute. I'll keep you all posted. :( Keep any insight coming
 
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Sirk

Guest
#33
#33
Toya10 said:
:( I know he has some issues to going back to his mom and he has been in counseling and he has ADHD for real so his brain goes a mile a minute. I'll keep you all posted. :( Keep any insight coming
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He reminds me of me a little over a year ago. What got me on the path was a whole bunch of pain and suffering coming to a head that completely broke me. You don't want to be around for that. Everything happens for a reason no doubt but you don't have to go thru it. Be smart...be smarter than you have ever been with anything in your life with this.
 
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Toya10

Guest
#34
#34
Sirk said:
He reminds me of me a little over a year ago. What get me on the path was a whole bunch of pain and suffering coming to a head that completely broke me. You don't want to be around for that. Everything happens for a reason no doubt but you don't have to go thru it. Be smart...be smarter than you have ever been with anything in your life with this.
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Crazy thing is he has been and is still broken. He blames himself for things that went wrong with his children and his marriage previously. Etc etc I feel like God put us on each others paths Ive been there to hold him as he weeps letting it out and he has a caring heart and spirit Im not sure what this is really all about to be honest. Just keep us lifted in prayer PLEASE. God's will be done.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#35
#35
Toya10 said:
Crazy thing is he has been and is still broken. He blames himself for things that went wrong with his children and his marriage previously. Etc etc I feel like God put us on each others paths Ive been there to hold him as he weeps letting it out and he has a caring heart and spirit Im not sure what this is really all about to be honest. Just keep us lifted in prayer PLEASE. God's will be done.
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Hes not ready and niether are you if you are considering someone who isn't ready. I'm praying for you now.
 
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Sirk

Guest
#36
#36
If he hasn't healed before he marries again the step kid or kids will continue to open that wound and he will bleed and bleed until he snaps. He doesn't possess the strength of character to say I do at this point in his life and with the circumstance you and your daughter will bring him.
 
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sassylady

Guest
#37
#37
I would definitely find somebody who can council all of you together. I could not personally go into a marriage where my fiancée had any issues at all with my children. Children can drive a big wedge even between their natural mother and father. You each need to know where boundaries are with your children. I would have to get the same counseling; the men I have dated had issues with my children and I could not bring them into a marriage like that.
 
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