Cornered

[lihle]

My baby is going to college this year, and my middle child is going to his second year at college, my eldest just started working. I worked hard raising my kids, I have focused all my energy and time in being a wife and a mother. I lost my husband three years ago and it hasn't been easy. Last year I went back to stuying part-time doing what I always wanted to do but had other priorities. Now last year my other brother, who is not married asked me to take in his teenage daughter so she can stay with me and go to school here. Unfortunately her mother didn't agre to give him the child. Now again new years eve my other brother called me, also not married, asking if I couldn't raise his 9 year old son. Both my brothers reasons for them wanting me to help raise their kids is that they like the way I brought up my own children and they want their kids to grow up with the same values. Not that I don't appreciated the compliments, just that I feel like they using me to avoid their responsibilities as parents, and they using a " good mother " card to corner me into doing their job of raising their kids. With my kids grown up I just started doing something for myself and I don't feel like its fare for them to guilty me into taking their responsibilities. Some advice please how do I handle this?

 

[deesandpooh]

I would pray about it...see what God would have you do.my mother is raiseing my daughter.not because i dont love her are im trying to avoid responsability,its just the best thing for my daughter given through all i have been through.

 

[Dan58]

I'd tell them no... "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel" (1 Timothy 5:8).

 

[RickyZ]

They say most kid's personalities are developed by the time they are 5. At 9 and teens, it's too late. Tell your bro's to man up - you'll give them advice, but that you've raised your kids and don't want any more.

 

[blondieindahouse]

I think your judgment is correct! Its your time now. You have raised your kids. Just say no , it doesnt work for you and leave it at that.

 

[oldthennew]

we're taught to be all things to all men at the right time...you are obviously a trusted sister,
a loving aunt, an awesome Mother...with what you have accomplished this far in your life,
it only makes sense that your Heavenly Father's love will continue to guide you...
reach inside of yourself and draw from the faith you've been given and the experience you've
earned and He will nurture and uphold you as He assured us He will....

 

[sassylady]

I would say no way. You have done your job and been through alot, it's time for you.

 

[Grace777x70]

I say to get quiet and listen to what is in your heart...that's where the Holy Spirit is....He will direct you in all things...if He says...Yes....then you will get the grace needed for what He has asked you to do.

But only you have your answer and it is within you where Christ dwells in your inner man. He will be faithful to you...

 

[Dino246]

I would heartily echo the advice to pray about this, and to refuse to take this on out of guilt.

I have an additional suggestion. This may offend some people as it sounds cold and mercenary, and it may not work in your particular context...

Consider charging your brother(s) for the service of raising their child(ren), under the title of "Room and Board". Your time, effort, loss of other opportunities, etc. are worth a lot of money, so figure out a price at which you would be willing to take on their kids. It should be high enough that the dads will think twice about it, and high enough that you won't resent it; the fees should be well above actual food and rent cost. I suspect they'll guilt you; that's when you inform them that raising their children is their responsibility, and that if they want you to handle the tasks, they can pay for it. Get a signed contract, so that if they "miss" payments, you can return their children. You aren't adopting, so require frequent, regular visits with Dad as part of the arrangement.

They are family, and your extended family may try to add to the guilt. To preserve good relations, make the terms explicit at the start and stick to them, lest the dads take advantage of you. Also keep in mind that should something terrible happen to the father, the kids are effectively yours; this should be reflected in dad's will and insurance papers. I'd recommend having a lawyer help draft the terms so that they will stand in court should there ever be a problem. Yes, it sounds cold; and if the situation does go sideways, you will be thankful for the care taken at the start.

I have some related experience with this... for five years early in my marriage, we took in a 16-year-old gal whose family was quite dysfunctional. Both parents (divorced) were in agreement; they paid us room and board and we finished raising their daughter. She is now happily married with four children.

 

[sandtigeress]

hm, have they talked to the teen and/or child. Those are the interesting people. What would be best for them.
And you can be in their lives and teach about values, without taking over the upbringing, or ?