Wife wants divorce

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jeremylee83

Guest
#1
#1
Hello everyone. I'm a new member hoping to be able to get some support & fellowship from this forum. I'm a 32 year old father of two, currently separated from my wife of 10 years. The 'separation' part is what is hurting me the most right now. My marriage & life as a believer in general has been rocky over the past few years and it all came to a head last month when I got into some legal trouble involving a horrible mistake I made several months ago. There was no infidelity or anything like that, but it was enough to shake her up to the point where she sought legal separation.

I've since asked, begged, and pleaded for God to forgive me. I know the Bible says He will forgive me, but I feel like I don't deserve that forgiveness. One thing I've extremely distressed about is the fact that my wife now wants divorce. We've spoken and she's explained that she sees no chance for reconciliation. I cant blame her for the way she feels, but i honestly dont know how I'm going to live my life without her. She's been my wife & best friend for the past 10 years and I have no other friends. I just feel totally alone right now & could really use a friend. :(
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#2
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#2
God has already forgiven you. :) You need to forgive yourself, and wife needs to forgive you. She has told you she sees no chance for a reconciliation, and to me that suggests that she doesn't trust you anymore. Keep praying and ask for God to help her forgive, and reconcile this marriage. Just remember, if you DO end up divorcing, God will use it to introduce something better into both your lives. :)
 
Grace777x70

Grace777x70

Banned
#3
Nov 22, 2015
20,436
1,430
0
#3
Take courage brother! The Lord is with you. He didn't cause the situation to happen but He will be caught in the act of being Himself and make something beautiful out of the mess whether it was self induced or not.

If a scripture "pops" out at you....I encourage you to view it like this.. God goes into our future..sees where we are going to be and then comes back with a promise for you to hold unto until it comes to pass. You take that "word" and speak in to yourself and ponder it until it takes root inside of you.

Here is a great website that may help you in this time...altho I don't agree with some of their doctrine..I most certainly believe in their faith that God is mighty to save and heal and He is faithful to His word to us.

https://www.rejoiceministries.org/
 
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jeremylee83

Guest
#4
#4
I think what hurts the most is that she already wants to start dating as I've already found a couple of her online dating profiles. I understand that I'm the one that screwed up, but it feels like she thinks the last 15 years just never happened. We've been separated for a little over a month now, and she's already ready to date someone else.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#5
Jun 30, 2015
24,685
13,376
113
#5
Hi Jeremy, and welcome to CC!

I've been there. 2-1/2 years ago; my wife initiated a separation and later a divorce. It is horrid, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

It is good that you acknowledge your part in this; that is step one. Step two is more complex... put the marriage in God's hands, completely. Seek God, and find a competent Christian counselor. Ask God, and keep asking, for His conviction, and for Him to change you on the inside. That is the only true hope for reconciliation, or for a healthy future. Face your legal situation squarely and don't flinch from it; ask God for courage, and He will be with you.

Don't try to prove to your wife that you have changed. Rather, ask God that she would see the change when it is real and lasting. That way you aren't striving only to win her back, which may not happen. Seek to be whole and holy.

I signed up for the daily devotional from DivorceCare.org - though your situation may not end in divorce, having the daily encouragement which often speaks exactly to our situations is helpful.

Stick around here; there are many good folks who have also been there, and a few laughs along the way does wonders. Get yourself stuck in a Christian church if you haven't already, and seek out an older man or two who will walk with you. Ask God to bring you friends.

May the Lord give you His peace and comfort, and in His time, conviction and healing. Rest in the certainty that He is at work, and that He is good.
 
proverbs35

proverbs35

Senior Member
#6
Nov 10, 2012
825
239
43
#6
jeremylee83 said:
I think what hurts the most is that she already wants to start dating as I've already found a couple of her online dating profiles. I understand that I'm the one that screwed up, but it feels like she thinks the last 15 years just never happened. We've been separated for a little over a month now, and she's already ready to date someone else.
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Unfortunately, she has probably wanted (dreamed of) dating another man for a long time - prince charming, the whole the grass is greener on the other side. Therefore, what you see now is just a physical and literal manifestation of her heart's desire.

It's unfortunate. Both men and women have been nurtured to believe that life is all about being in romantic relationship, and it's not. Romantic relationships can be a blessing when done according to God's word (which rarely ever happens).

A lot of men and women have learned through experience that rebound relationships are not all they are hyped up to be. Your wife just might learn that the hard way. It happens all the time.

At the end of the day, you have little to no control over your wife and her decision, just like she evidently had little to no control over you and the decisions that you made. Instead of spending so much time focusing on your wife, put your eyes and focus on Christ. Seek God earnestly and allow him to mold you into the Christian man and father that he has called you to be. Pray for your wife that she would be the Christian and mother that God has called her to be. In other words, work on you, and trust God for your wife. You also need to focus on being a father and doing what's best for your kids. Please don't use your kids as pawns in a divorce war if your marriage does breakup. That happens a lot. Both men and women do it, and it can have a devastating effect on the kids. They don't deserve that.
 
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jeremylee83

Guest
#7
#7
Thanks for the help everyone. I really appreciate it. I've been told many times that I need to use this time to work on myself and not worry about my wife and marriage so much. It's just so hard to do that. I've gone from seeing her and my two kids every day to not seeing them in weeks and weeks. Its just really hard to not think about her. I miss her so much and have no other friends nearby; just family.
 
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coby

Guest
#8
#8
jeremylee83 said:
Thanks for the help everyone. I really appreciate it. I've been told many times that I need to use this time to work on myself and not worry about my wife and marriage so much. It's just so hard to do that. I've gone from seeing her and my two kids every day to not seeing them in weeks and weeks. Its just really hard to not think about her. I miss her so much and have no other friends nearby; just family.
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Fight to see your kids. Don't just get out of the house and don't just let her take them. Draw close to God. I was so sad when I just broke up that I just left and didn't think. So he almost got the kids. Didn't see them for 7 months. Losing a partner is bad, but kids is much worse. Focus on God. Let Him heal you up and say sorry to her and that you just want to be friends for the kids. Don't blame her for anything. Slime or whatever is needed, but fight for your kids. Don't ask her to please take you back. Get strong in Him and pray for her. That's the only chance that she might want you back and feel sorry.
 
Born_Again

Born_Again

Senior Member
#9
Nov 15, 2014
1,583
128
63
#9
jeremylee83 said:
Thanks for the help everyone. I really appreciate it. I've been told many times that I need to use this time to work on myself and not worry about my wife and marriage so much. It's just so hard to do that. I've gone from seeing her and my two kids every day to not seeing them in weeks and weeks. Its just really hard to not think about her. I miss her so much and have no other friends nearby; just family.
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Wow, for a moment there, I thought i was reading my own story! Two weeks after my ex wife moved out, her new dude was in! So, yea, as it was already stated, it seems your wife has been wanting out for a while. I wanted reconcilliation but she didnt, it seems. I am here to tell you though, it sucks right now, but keep faith in the Lord. Seek His kingdom. Everything will be just fine, regardless of the outcome. :)
 
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shebamo

Guest
#10
#10
That seems to indicate that she has been itching to get out of the marriage for a long time and you gave her a reason so she would be justified in her own eyes. Breaking up hurts the most when you look back and ask " did not all those years count for something? " It hurts the most when you realize one of you loved deeper than the other. It hurts because you feel it was all a lie. God has forgiven you and His blessings are new every morning. You need to forgive yourself. Put it in Gods hands. If she wants to go let her. It was not all a waste of time. The beginning was real. God does know where you will be and who you will be with or not. He has a way of making the bad things good. The pain will go away. You need today and always have a closer walk with God. Seek his will and let him live through you. I had a terrible past and now since I gave my life to Him I realize He has got it all in control. Trust Him. He can take the bad and make it good. Seek His will not yours. It will all hurt in the beginning there is no denying that, but lay it at the cross receive His forgiveness. If you keep beating yourself up about it you haven't left it at the cross. Satan is the accuser. Tell him where to go! You'll be just fine if you stay under Gods wing.
 
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tannerbrody

tannerbrody

Banned
#11
Feb 2, 2016
135
0
0
#11
jeremylee83 said:
Hello everyone. I'm a new member hoping to be able to get some support & fellowship from this forum. I'm a 32 year old father of two, currently separated from my wife of 10 years. The 'separation' part is what is hurting me the most right now. My marriage & life as a believer in general has been rocky over the past few years and it all came to a head last month when I got into some legal trouble involving a horrible mistake I made several months ago. There was no infidelity or anything like that, but it was enough to shake her up to the point where she sought legal separation.

I've since asked, begged, and pleaded for God to forgive me. I know the Bible says He will forgive me, but I feel like I don't deserve that forgiveness. One thing I've extremely distressed about is the fact that my wife now wants divorce. We've spoken and she's explained that she sees no chance for reconciliation. I cant blame her for the way she feels, but i honestly dont know how I'm going to live my life without her. She's been my wife & best friend for the past 10 years and I have no other friends. I just feel totally alone right now & could really use a friend. :(
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Need more details. Does this involve drugs?
 
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jeremylee83

Guest
#12
#12
No drugs. I'm not going to go into detail online, but it involves cyber crime. She's since started the divorce process, so I guess our chances of reconciliation are over. She's totally justified in seeking divorce, I'm just trying to deal with the guilt that I'll never regularly see my kids again. The mistakes I made are hurting them every day and it's killing me.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#13
Jun 30, 2015
24,685
13,376
113
#13
Praying for you, Jeremy. Keep seeking life and peace in Christ. :)

"Totally justified in seeking divorce"... I understand where you're coming from on this, but unless you have committed adultery, she only has reason for separation (biblical, not legal). My ex didn't tell me why she asked me to leave, and it took several months for me to see it. However, she had no biblical justification for divorce. She just used the time period apart as legal justification.

I haven't seen my kids since June, and then only for about five minutes. They are older and make their own choices. There's nothing nice about it, but God has given me peace. May He give you peace as well... and joy in seeing them when you can. If you haven't already made arrangements for a visitation schedule, it would be good to do so. Your ex should not be able to keep the kids from you; get legal help on this.

Are you attending a church regularly? If so, share with the pastor or an elder as much as you're comfortable sharing, and ask for support. If not, ask the Lord to lead you to a good one.
 
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jeremylee83

Guest
#14
#14
I'm just overwhelmed with guilt and heartbreak for my kids. My son is 9 and my daughter is 4. They're so confused as to why their dad isn't home anymore. My daughter starts kindergarten later this year and I won't be able to be there for her.

My wife would probably let me see them more but the only place I could stay after leaving the house is with my parents who are 300 miles away. I want to move back closer to the kids but with the amount of child support I'm going to have to pay my ex wife, I won't be able to afford rent anywhere (I've checked.) Plus there's still a possibility I might be going to jail over what I did. I know this is all my fault, but all I want is to see my kids, and I've ruined it.
 
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lowfuel1

Guest
#15
#15
Jeremy,

I am going through something very similar right now. My wife is not asking for a divorce, but we are separated. I feel completely lost without her. We've been married for almost 14 years now. I think I know what you are going through.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#16
Jun 30, 2015
24,685
13,376
113
#16
Hi lowfuel... welcome! :)

To you and Jeremy, you gents might benefit from a series of videos available on YouTube, produced by The Dove TV in Oregon. A frequent guest is Patrick Doyle, a Christian counselor who shares solid wisdom and experience for dealing with guilt, separation, reconciliation, forgiveness, and related subjects. I've been blessed listening to him over the last few months.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#17
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
2,943
113
#17
I'm so sorry to hear the mess your life is in. There are consequences to our behaviour, but it does sound to me like your wife is just using this as an opportunity to get rid of you.

Which does say something in itself. You need to go over how you were treating her. Did you love her like Christ loves the church?

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her," Eph. 5:25

I have counselled so many women who just felt their husbands took them for granted. That all they were good for was being a mother, maid and mistress. Instead, wives needed to be cherished and loved in a supernatural way.

I do not know if it is too late for you, but unless you have committed adultery, she has no Biblical excuse to leave you, even if you weren't always treating her in a special way.

As for the children, make sure you stay in their lives, even if you have to drive the 600 mile round trip every weekend. And be sure to fight for joint custody, and lots of visitation, especially in the summer. Regardless of what you have done, your children deserve to have a loving father in their lives.
 
tannerbrody

tannerbrody

Banned
#18
Feb 2, 2016
135
0
0
#18
jeremylee83 said:
No drugs. I'm not going to go into detail online, but it involves cyber crime. She's since started the divorce process, so I guess our chances of reconciliation are over. She's totally justified in seeking divorce, I'm just trying to deal with the guilt that I'll never regularly see my kids again. The mistakes I made are hurting them every day and it's killing me.
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Are you being sent to prison? If not my best advice would be to get a good lawyer. Unless she can prove you're a danger to be around, I can't see why you wouldn't get visitation rights, especially if you're paying child support. If she commited a cyber crime, would you divorce her?
 
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jeremylee83

Guest
#19
#19
Unfortunately, I dont really know what's happening at this point. I've tried keeping an open line of communication w/ the detectives investigating me, but they're at the point to where they're just waiting on the prosecutor to decide which charges to place on me, and I've been told that whole process can take years, so unfortunately, I have to live with this unknown for quite some time; again, totally my own fault, but the pain & guilt I'm currently feeling is unbearable. I've tried asking my wife for forgiveness, but she maintains that she's not at that stage yet, and even if forgiveness does come, she's going ahead with the divorce so I see no chance for reconciliation.

I just wish I had some friends or someone I could talk to. I've always been an introvert with a bit of social-phobia, so I've never really had many friends. Honestly, my wife has been my best (and only) friend for the last 15 years. That's part of why this hurts so much. I just feel totally alone for the first time in my life.
 
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Depleted

Guest
#20
#20
jeremylee83 said:
Unfortunately, I dont really know what's happening at this point. I've tried keeping an open line of communication w/ the detectives investigating me, but they're at the point to where they're just waiting on the prosecutor to decide which charges to place on me, and I've been told that whole process can take years, so unfortunately, I have to live with this unknown for quite some time; again, totally my own fault, but the pain & guilt I'm currently feeling is unbearable. I've tried asking my wife for forgiveness, but she maintains that she's not at that stage yet, and even if forgiveness does come, she's going ahead with the divorce so I see no chance for reconciliation.

I just wish I had some friends or someone I could talk to. I've always been an introvert with a bit of social-phobia, so I've never really had many friends. Honestly, my wife has been my best (and only) friend for the last 15 years. That's part of why this hurts so much. I just feel totally alone for the first time in my life.
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Since the Internet was what you got caught up in on the bad side, stop saying things like "social phobia," "introvert," and "alone." You aren't alone. You've got God. God -- the one who can get you past yourself to stop being all you quickly deem you still are. You're still digging in deep on self. Start giving of self instead of dwelling on self. Volunteer to help others. Get out there and do something useful and realize that is God creating a new man in you.

(Do not think that means you do not get the consequences of your actions though. Even waiting for the consequences is no excuse for not doing something helpful for others.)
 
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