I'm at a loss.. Please help

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Stephanie1984

Guest
#1
#1
I live on my own with 2 children from previous relationships before I was saved. I am engaged to someone else now but he is not saved and not sure if he will as him mom is saved but not his dad.. Should I marry this person? I'm wrecking my brain about it.. I've been praying asking for guidance so maybe that's why I'm on here today writing this. My daughter 7 got saved in the summer time and my son 11 got saved just last night. So I have my own little Christian family which makes me feel so content.. I just keep having thoughts about marrying someone who isn't saved.. Would it be wrong? Also cause I've got 2 children from other men should I just be single? We have been together nearly 4 years and my kids know him well now. They have relationships when their dads too though.. We don't have sex since I got saved which isn't a problem. If anyone can give me good advice please do. I want to please my Saviour in every way and live as sinless as is humanly possible.. I have dropped hints but he says he doesn't like people throwing religion at him.. This means so much to me and I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing. Stephanie
 
PeterJens

PeterJens

Banned
#2
Feb 24, 2015
13,204
168
0
#2
Hello sister. Praise the Lord you found Him. Jesus has always astounded me from a distance and now up close, what a Lord.

You are called to love. It is a difficult calling in the worlds eyes but in another way it is just choosing the right thing to do.
The Lord asks you to honour and love the commitments you already have. You have a "husband" though not yet "married". You have kids, you are settled. The first issue is sorting out the relationship with your current partner. It is raising questions of commitment, honesty, openness, walking in the light. As the Lord leads you through these things, He will show you the next steps. The reason why we hesitate is because we know pain could be involved and that is difficult.

So you need to take time to find out inside where you are before Him. When you are ready, it will become obvious.
In terms of your own well being, finding christian friends, plugging in to a church matters and helps. You will then find people with a similar background, experience that can also give you insight.

In our house group we had a single mum with two kids. She had an up and down life, but grew in love and balance. She now goes to a different church, but she found a way of being both single and coping. It can sometimes be simpler this way, depends on who the bloke is etc.

I hope this helps,

God bless

Peter
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#3
#3
Stephanie1984 said:
I live on my own with 2 children from previous relationships before I was saved. I am engaged to someone else now but he is not saved and not sure if he will as him mom is saved but not his dad.. Should I marry this person? I'm wrecking my brain about it.. I've been praying asking for guidance so maybe that's why I'm on here today writing this. My daughter 7 got saved in the summer time and my son 11 got saved just last night. So I have my own little Christian family which makes me feel so content.. I just keep having thoughts about marrying someone who isn't saved.. Would it be wrong? Also cause I've got 2 children from other men should I just be single? We have been together nearly 4 years and my kids know him well now. They have relationships when their dads too though.. We don't have sex since I got saved which isn't a problem. If anyone can give me good advice please do. I want to please my Saviour in every way and live as sinless as is humanly possible.. I have dropped hints but he says he doesn't like people throwing religion at him.. This means so much to me and I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing. Stephanie
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It's going to be hard to give you an answer you're going to want to hear.The Bible says not to be unequally yoked together. And there is a reason for that.If you want to please God in every way,and I believe you do,how will that work if you are married to someone who is unsaved? He wont see things the same way you do. And that is going to cause strife between you. You're following different paths. I would advise against it.I think you would be making a serious mistake that you will live to regret. The Bible is against it.Im sorry but that is the truth of Gods word. I think you need to seriously reconsider this relationship,and prayerfully too,before you marry him.
 
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Stephanie1984

Guest
#4
#4
I think I shouldn't go ahead with it but then am I sinning for breaking someone's heart? Such a decision..I will continue to pray. I've just joined a new church and have no Christian friends.. So hard to tell people face to face..
 
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Ugly

Guest
#5
#5
He clearly is showing no interest in getting saved. And if he felt it was a requirement he may fake it just to not lose you. Which would eventually come out as no real change will have taken place.

But really look at what God expects of biblical marriage. For the man to be the spiritual leader. If you marry a man who does not believe, how can you follow the biblical standard of him being a spiritual head?
How can you explain to your children that you picked a man that did not follow God?
What is the example you set by making that choice?
How will you tell them that you picked a man that is headed for hell?
How will he be the example of a Godly man for your children?
What if he dislike for religion is something he begins teaching your children, undermining your attempt to raise them in a Godly manner?

These are a few of the questions you can ask yourself. I'm sure if you sat down and thought it through you could find more to ask yourself. Those are just a few i came up with.

I once dated a non-believer. Nothing bad happened, though it was a short time. But when things ended i found myself wondering what i was thinking.

As far as not dating because of your kids, i wouldn't say that. But i would say be wise if you do. If you are going to date, make sure your children are aware.
Keep the men away from your kids for a while until you see if things are truly serious or just something that's going to come and go.
Consider how your kids react to him. If they seem to dislike him then insisting on a further relationship will only serve to upset you, your children and eventually the man.

Let men know you have children.
Let the men know you will not introduce them until things seem more serious.
Let them know that if things don't go well between them you will have to choose your kids over men.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#6
#6
Stephanie1984 said:
I think I shouldn't go ahead with it but then am I sinning for breaking someone's heart? Such a decision..I will continue to pray. I've just joined a new church and have no Christian friends.. So hard to tell people face to face..
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What sounds like a sin here:
You use wisdom to make a decision, even if that decision hurts someone.
Using that wisdom spares you a potential lifetime problem.

Or does sin sound more like this:
Making a potentially bad decision that will affect you and your children for the rest of your lives.
Could possibly affect the way your kids are raised.
Does not fit biblical standards.


There is nothing un-biblical or unGodly about hurting someone. Sure, if you intend to hurt someone for pleasure, that's wrong. But if you have to make a decision that will hurt someone, because it's the right thing to do, that's not sin.
You are trying to do the right thing by God, how is that sin?

Many Christians mistake politeness for love. Or 'being nice' for love. Love is not passive.
Love can come in many forms. Sometimes love is painful.

Being honest is not a sin. If you have doubts and feel it isn't right to marry this man, how can that honesty be sinful? How can following what you believe God is leading you to sinful?
 
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Stephanie1984

Guest
#7
#7
I think if we broke up dating would not happen for a very long time.. My kids come 1st and I would def tell people about them.. I love them so much and I'm not ashamed of them or my sins.. Just hard to hurt someone's feelings like that.. But I need to do the right thing also. I want my kids brought up Godly..
 
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Stephanie1984

Guest
#8
#8
That's really good advice.. Thank you.. Just don't know how to break it to him.. Maybe he will end it with me 1st then I won't have too
 
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Ugly

Guest
#9
#9
Stephanie1984 said:
That's really good advice.. Thank you.. Just don't know how to break it to him.. Maybe he will end it with me 1st then I won't have too
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Yeah, not going to happen. You have to step up and end it. People that wait on the other person, well, that usually backfires. I tried it once. I've had people try it to me. In the end the person wanting to end things had to speak up.
It's the right thing to do, really.
There is no benefit in waiting. The longer you wait the more you hold him, and yourself, from beginning to heal and being able to eventually move on. Just say something. Be direct, don't drag it out beating around the bush, that's torture for the receiver. Do be nice about it.
But if you have no intention on staying with him then he needs to know. You shouldn't wait for him to do things. That's not what God would say for you to do. That's not loving.
 
santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#10
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#10
Let me just add one thing -- I have known several Christian women who went against their better judgment and married an unsaved man. All of them regret the decision. They have had very difficult marriages, and while they stick with it, they are extremely unhappy. One did end in divorce.

That "unequally yoked" thing is in there for OUR benefit -- not because "God said so."

My advice would be to end the relationship. Period. I know it will be hard, and I'll be praying for you.
 
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pwrnJC

Banned
#11
Dec 1, 2014
1,430
27
0
#11
Sister, you just told us that he doesn't like people throwing religion at him. He just told you his position. Do not count on some future idea that it will change. Of course, once he listens to and obeys the Holy Spirit, he will automatically change. However, that is very highly unlikely at this moment. He can still remain your close friend, with no marriage attachments for the moment, can't he? Can you? Let time and GOD work together. If he is still obstinate about this a year from now, you have your answer. Move on, keep him dear but let him find his own way to the cross. Meanwhile, if our heart and mind is still attached to him being your future soulmate, then you better pray, fast, include others (an entire congregation, if it takes so), and throw out a fleece to GOD, being bold and giving you peace about this! This is gonna be a head-on battle between you and satan, nothing held back. If you are not prepared to do this battle before running down the aisle to your engaged partner, then whatever occurs in the future will be what it will be. My daughter once married a man whom she thought she could change and that he would be a Christian husband. Her mother and I talked to her up to the very moment the church doors opened and she was ushered down the aisle that it would be ok if she changed her mind. Of course, she was set that this was the one. Needless to say, she is NOW married to someone else, given us 3 awesome grandchildren, and yes, my son-in-law was a CHRISTIAN man who ran to her side and confessed his love to her on the day of her first wedding. He waited for her and was patient as her divorce took a year to conclude. GOD has wonderful plans for you..and those plans would include a man that will counter balance your past. Why would your Savior applaud and rejoice with you if you stayed in a miserable marriage? You do not need another "I told you so" scenario.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#12
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#12
An engagement is NOT a marriage. Engagements are broken every day, for various reasons. God does NOT expect you to go through with a marriage if you have doubts about your partner. From everything that you have said here, I tend to agree with what the other posters are telling you. If he's an unbeliever and refuses to have religion "shoved onto" him, then DO NOT MARRY HIM. God would rather you be single, happy and focused on Him, rather than married, miserable, and trapped in a marriage with an unbeliever who refuses to change.
 
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sassylady

Guest
#13
#13
Do not put your children into a marriage with only one saved partner. You will be unequally yoked in addition to being married to a man that is not the natural father. I'd stay single the rest of my life before I would try that one. Not saying you should permanently stay single, but be certain the man you marry is saved and loves God first in all things.
 
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coby

Guest
#14
#14
Stephanie1984 said:
I live on my own with 2 children from previous relationships before I was saved. I am engaged to someone else now but he is not saved and not sure if he will as him mom is saved but not his dad.. Should I marry this person? I'm wrecking my brain about it.. I've been praying asking for guidance so maybe that's why I'm on here today writing this. My daughter 7 got saved in the summer time and my son 11 got saved just last night. So I have my own little Christian family which makes me feel so content.. I just keep having thoughts about marrying someone who isn't saved.. Would it be wrong? Also cause I've got 2 children from other men should I just be single? We have been together nearly 4 years and my kids know him well now. They have relationships when their dads too though.. We don't have sex since I got saved which isn't a problem. If anyone can give me good advice please do. I want to please my Saviour in every way and live as sinless as is humanly possible.. I have dropped hints but he says he doesn't like people throwing religion at him.. This means so much to me and I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing. Stephanie
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Don't do that. I did. It was a disaster. So glad he left after 1, 5 years. Missionary dating lol. Frll from my faith because he wanted sex before marriage of course. He said the sinner's prayer but he didn't change nor believe it. The whole day those demonic WOW monsters and he hated worship music and christianity after a while. A total disaster.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#15
Jun 30, 2015
24,685
13,376
113
#15
Hi Stephanie... glad you chose to come to CC and ask this very important question.

I would echo the gist of what the other folks have offered, and add one thing: do not tell him that you will marry him if he becomes a Christian. He may fake it, and you may not be able to see through the faking. That would leave you in a worse position. Come up with your own words to say, 'You aren't a Christian, and therefore I won't marry you." No 'if' about it. :)

Of course, on the possibility that he does become a Christian, give him some time ( a year or more!) to grow into it before getting married... to see if his salvation is real.
 
damombomb

damombomb

Senior Member
#16
Feb 27, 2011
3,801
68
48
#16
What kind of person is he? Is he kind, good to your children, love you and them?
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#17
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#17
Tough call, but I'd tell him point blank that you will not marry a non-Christian. He might be a good man, even more so than a Christian, and a marriage might work, but you'll never have the same hope or share the same faith, so it would be difficult to connect with a soul that rejects your Lord. I wouldn't throw religion at him, all that malarkey might be what turns him off, not Christ. But if he rejects Christ outright, I think it usually leads to a troubled marriage. jmo

"If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband....For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?" (1 Corinthians 7:12-16)
 
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coby

Guest
#18
#18
Dino246 said:
Hi Stephanie... glad you chose to come to CC and ask this very important question.

I would echo the gist of what the other folks have offered, and add one thing: do not tell him that you will marry him if he becomes a Christian. He may fake it, and you may not be able to see through the faking. That would leave you in a worse position. Come up with your own words to say, 'You aren't a Christian, and therefore I won't marry you." No 'if' about it. :)

Of course, on the possibility that he does become a Christian, give him some time ( a year or more!) to grow into it before getting married... to see if his salvation is real.
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Yes this. My ex even said the sinner's prayer and said he'd go to church if we got married. I already broke it off because he wasn't a christian. Then months later he asked if I knew a good Bible for him and that he went to church now. Then when we were married: hahaha that was a trick to get you back. Ultimately funny not. Watch out. My dad went to church with my mom too just to get her. He's almost saved now 60 years later. Just don't. Break it off. If later he is really saved for a year or so and shows fruit you can always consider it. What if God has someone else who is christian and the perfect one for you? You'll miss out on him if you go with the wrong one.
 
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Depleted

Guest
#19
#19
Stephanie1984 said:
I live on my own with 2 children from previous relationships before I was saved. I am engaged to someone else now but he is not saved and not sure if he will as him mom is saved but not his dad.. Should I marry this person? I'm wrecking my brain about it.. I've been praying asking for guidance so maybe that's why I'm on here today writing this. My daughter 7 got saved in the summer time and my son 11 got saved just last night. So I have my own little Christian family which makes me feel so content.. I just keep having thoughts about marrying someone who isn't saved.. Would it be wrong? Also cause I've got 2 children from other men should I just be single? We have been together nearly 4 years and my kids know him well now. They have relationships when their dads too though.. We don't have sex since I got saved which isn't a problem. If anyone can give me good advice please do. I want to please my Saviour in every way and live as sinless as is humanly possible.. I have dropped hints but he says he doesn't like people throwing religion at him.. This means so much to me and I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing. Stephanie
Click to expand...
The Bible says not to be unevenly yoked, yet you're engaged to a nonbeliever. I wouldn't, and I know how hard that's going to be since you're already up to "engaged."

He can't be what you need for a husband. Wives are supposed to submit, and the only way we can do that is trust in the husband. Given this guy doesn't know God (yet), he can't function as the spiritual head of the house. Not good. I see this marriage going south fast. Or worse -- slowly.

That said, my SIL broke it off with my BIL because she was a believer and she didn't think he was. The reality was he was, but he had been backsliding for a decade, so I don't even think he had any guilt in his sinning anymore. BUT he knew she was to be his wife, so after she broke up with her, he took it to God, and came back to him.

Then he told her and proved it.

They've been happily married for 33 years.

Moral of the story: I still think you should break it off with full understanding it's really over forever. That doesn't mean God won't use that for him, but God might not use that for him and you should still go on with your life. (Also, in the future, don't date non believers so you don't have to go through this pain again.)
 
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Depleted

Guest
#20
#20
Stephanie1984 said:
I think I shouldn't go ahead with it but then am I sinning for breaking someone's heart? Such a decision..I will continue to pray. I've just joined a new church and have no Christian friends.. So hard to tell people face to face..
Click to expand...
Someone's heart is going to break no matter if you marry him or not. Sooner or later, the relationship won't work. The heartbreak just keeps getting deeper the longer it takes to end up there.
 
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