troubled & confused in my marriage

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troubled77

Guest
#1
#1
Im 43 married with 5 kids, living in a state only to be near my kids and be apart of there lives, they live with my ex wife. My current wife lives here with me but has grown increasingly bitter, her child lives in another state with her ex. I have tried living in the other state away from my kids to only become depressed and emotionally broken.
But living here with my kids has made my wife bitter and emotionally broken, depressed, and i find myself wondering if we should be together at all. I love her, but have become distant and bitter of her, we dont even sleep in the same bed anymore, we are more like roomates than husband and wife.
Just need some advice....
 
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Depleted

Guest
#2
#2
troubled77 said:
Im 43 married with 5 kids, living in a state only to be near my kids and be apart of there lives, they live with my ex wife. My current wife lives here with me but has grown increasingly bitter, her child lives in another state with her ex. I have tried living in the other state away from my kids to only become depressed and emotionally broken.
But living here with my kids has made my wife bitter and emotionally broken, depressed, and i find myself wondering if we should be together at all. I love her, but have become distant and bitter of her, we dont even sleep in the same bed anymore, we are more like roomates than husband and wife.
Just need some advice....
Click to expand...
[h=1]Ephesians 5:25-33[/h]
 
Violet24

Violet24

Senior Member
#3
Apr 14, 2015
1,074
148
63
#3
Troubled77, Sounds like a communication breakdown between you & your wife. I don't know if you've tried counseling or not, but maybe this is a good place to start. If you & your wife truly care about one another then it can be a very positive step in rebuilding the communication between you both. As side from that, I know the most important step is coming before the Lord in prayer daily, & laying this all down at His feet. Jesus will give you wisdom & guidance in every area of your marriage. I understand the need to want to live closer to your children. I see that as a wonderful opportunity in being able to grow close to your family. That's a very positive step, but I'm not sure what kind of stress this would cause for your wife. If your children are not accepting their step mother, this could be the underlying reason for so much emotional stress & bitterness coming from your wife. Reading your post, I can only see possible causes for all the tension, but with that said... the Lord is more than able to renew your marriage & strengthen every weak area. The Lord wants to be the core foundation of your marriage, so you'll need to invite the Lord to come in to your lives & let Him begin the healing process. If you are members of a church, getting prayer from other Christians is strengthing. Counseling can be a very positive step. Communication is Key & letting the Lord be the foundation of your marriage & family is crucial. So Lord, I lift up this marriage to you in prayer & ask that you would come & bring peace & guidance. Let your Love be at the center & let healing begin.. In Jesus name...
 
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Violet24

Violet24

Senior Member
#4
Apr 14, 2015
1,074
148
63
#4
Trouble77, Just want to add also, that your wife may have unspoken needs, and if she is wanting to live closer to her family, I can see why this would cause some significant conflict between you both. We serve an Might God, who is able to work wonders. So Trust in Him Completely, as He always lead the way to Victory!!
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#5
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
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#5
troubled77 said:
My current wife lives here with me but has grown increasingly bitter, her child lives in another state with her ex. I have tried living in the other state away from my kids to only become depressed and emotionally broken.
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You sound like a good match, but since you can't live in 2 places at once, one of you is going to be bitter, depressed, and emotionally broken. Why did your current wife lose custody of her kid? I suspect that may be the real reason she's bitter? She see's you being a part of your children's lives and is probably experiencing some guilt and regret that she's separated from her own child. Just try to talk it out, and maybe arrange a trip twice a year where she can spend a weekend in the state where her child resides. Her life currently resides completely around you being satisfied, while she has sacrificed her own relationship with her kid. That's not completely fair, I'm sure you can relate to her situation since you were once in her shoes. So 'talk' and relay that sentiment to her, and also find a solution where she can visit her own kid periodically.. jmo

 
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coby

Guest
#6
#6
troubled77 said:
Im 43 married with 5 kids, living in a state only to be near my kids and be apart of there lives, they live with my ex wife. My current wife lives here with me but has grown increasingly bitter, her child lives in another state with her ex. I have tried living in the other state away from my kids to only become depressed and emotionally broken.
But living here with my kids has made my wife bitter and emotionally broken, depressed, and i find myself wondering if we should be together at all. I love her, but have become distant and bitter of her, we dont even sleep in the same bed anymore, we are more like roomates than husband and wife.
Just need some advice....
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So first she could see her kid and now you can see your kids?
Live half the week here, half the week there maybe? May she see the kid if she lives nearby?
 
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Depleted

Guest
#7
#7
coby said:
So first she could see her kid and now you can see your kids?
Live half the week here, half the week there maybe? May she see the kid if she lives nearby?
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LOL You're thinking too small. (Geographically speaking -- not a put down on your mental state.) Your country is the size of one of our smaller states -- Maryland. All of Europe is smaller than the US. Here, driving from one state to another can take as short as 5 minutes, (assuming the car is always going at 60 miles per hour), or as long as a day. (Alaska might even take longer than a day.) It takes 6 hours to fly on a jet from New York to California. I think it also takes 6 hoursish to fly from California to Hawaii. BIG heaping country we live in.

And then there is the question of keeping up with the payments for two different homes, and handling visiting children separately. (I am assuming the stepchildren want to spend time with the other stepchildren. They are related now.)

It usually happens in situations like that the distance is great, so imagine this advice if your spouse's child lived in Italy. If this couple was rich enough to pull off that scheduling, both would have been rich enough to win full custody. (That, I expect, works the same in any country.)
 
damombomb

damombomb

Senior Member
#8
Feb 27, 2011
3,801
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#8
Have you watched the move "war room"? I would highly recommend it for you and your wife.
 
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coby

Guest
#9
#9
Depleted said:
LOL You're thinking too small. (Geographically speaking -- not a put down on your mental state.) Your country is the size of one of our smaller states -- Maryland. All of Europe is smaller than the US. Here, driving from one state to another can take as short as 5 minutes, (assuming the car is always going at 60 miles per hour), or as long as a day. (Alaska might even take longer than a day.) It takes 6 hours to fly on a jet from New York to California. I think it also takes 6 hoursish to fly from California to Hawaii. BIG heaping country we live in.

And then there is the question of keeping up with the payments for two different homes, and handling visiting children separately. (I am assuming the stepchildren want to spend time with the other stepchildren. They are related now.)

It usually happens in situations like that the distance is great, so imagine this advice if your spouse's child lived in Italy. If this couple was rich enough to pull off that scheduling, both would have been rich enough to win full custody. (That, I expect, works the same in any country.)
Click to expand...
Lol yes Holland is a bit smaller. My ex and I just always live near each other for the kids.
He has a wife from Brazil and the government is so terrible at the moment, she may not work here and if she's been here 3 months she has to leave for 3 months to her own country. She has almost no money. He's on wellfare. The government can't care less. So now she took the plain to Brazil and stays with her mom and brothers in a house for 3 months. It's not nice of course that they can't be together, but they Skype all the time and well she was happy that now she can see her just born grandkid and her kids. It's weird maybe, but I think something like that is the best way to solve it I think if she may see her kid.
Btw I don't understand that an ex can't move and do some effort, but if they have a similar situation they can't. I just pack up and move if dad moves so they can see him.
 
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NewWine

Guest
#10
#10
Hi,
Is there a way perhaps, that you could move half way between both families? That way you can both spend important time with your families. Also, when I am away from my own kids, since they are now grown and all, I use skype and other messenger type programs a lot. Maybe that will also help you both stay closer to your families.

You never mentioned in your original post, whether or not you two attend a church fellowship together, or at all. Keeping God at the top of the love triangle will keep you both focused on what's really important....Him. Stay focused on God and let God focus on saving your relationships. Doing so, with or without your wife, will make you a better man, and will free your worry, allowing you to be a more loving husband and father to your family. Sometimes it's easier to share when you are part of an active fellowship group with whom you're trusting and comfortable.

Prayers to your family. Peace!!
 
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Depleted

Guest
#11
#11
coby said:
Lol yes Holland is a bit smaller. My ex and I just always live near each other for the kids.
He has a wife from Brazil and the government is so terrible at the moment, she may not work here and if she's been here 3 months she has to leave for 3 months to her own country. She has almost no money. He's on wellfare. The government can't care less. So now she took the plain to Brazil and stays with her mom and brothers in a house for 3 months. It's not nice of course that they can't be together, but they Skype all the time and well she was happy that now she can see her just born grandkid and her kids. It's weird maybe, but I think something like that is the best way to solve it I think if she may see her kid.
Btw I don't understand that an ex can't move and do some effort, but if they have a similar situation they can't. I just pack up and move if dad moves so they can see him.
Click to expand...
Troubled did move for his kids, but Mrs. Troubled moved with him and now misses her child.
 
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coby

Guest
#12
#12
Depleted said:
Troubled did move for his kids, but Mrs. Troubled moved with him and now misses her child.
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Yes but I meant the exes. I couldn't bare to see my kids missing their dad. I'd even move to Brazil if I had to. It's just not a handy situation. I wouldn't even consider marrying someone who has kids and an ex in another place in Holland. It's just horrible if you can't see your kids. For 7 months I was allowed to see them 2 days a week for 4 hours a day. I was as depressed as can be.
 
Joidevivre

Joidevivre

Senior Member
#13
Jul 15, 2014
3,838
271
83
#13
It is far better never to remarry if that means moving away from your kids while they are still living at home. However, since this has already been done, here are some ideas you could think about.

Each one of you ask each child what that child needs from you. Within reason, of course. Some might say regular planned visits, some need scheduled phone calls, some need to skype, some like letters, etc. Try to meet those needs as best you can. Be creative in how communication can take place. Actual handwritten letters might be the most meaningful thing and can be kept over years. Reread often. In these letters, talk about your childhood, your dreams, your good and bad choices, and ask them for advice about some things. (depending on age) Little children love to receive cards in the mail.

Make your connection special, even though it might be limited.
 
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Ariel82

Guest
#14
#14
Since you are married shouldn't you both claim both sets of kids?
 
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