How do I deal with a problem father, as a father myself

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ouch98

Guest
#1
#1
My father is that guy that everyone knows. Hundreds of people can't wait to tell me what an amazing mentor and man he is. He has helped so many people and been such a good guy his whole life. Yet even into my 30s embarrassing stories of me are his best way to get a laugh. He ignores and insults me in public to get entertainment. Talking down to me is the only way he knows how to speak. He has no remorse and spent his life insulting me. I know that I cannot convince the masses what a jerk he is to me. Everyone loves him too much and usually people get angry at me when I speak my mind on the subject. I've approached him with it and he just talks down to me and tells me not to be selfish. I have moved on and don't care. I don't have the time or the energy to deal with him anymore. Problem is I can't get away from him due to issues I don't have time for. I'll never escape the masses who continuously tell me how amazing he is, which enrages me inside. It burns a fire I can't put out. It takes all of my emotional control to act differently with my children than he has my whole life. I have caught myself doing the same to them. I pray, apologize and then treat them better. But this is a burden that I carry with me and will till the day I die. I have had opportunities missed because people think I'm ungrateful to have such an amazing mentor or because I'm incompetent compared to the man. I have been successful without any help and because of my own hard work. But this pain burns inside of me. How can I be a good father to my children with no one to show me how to be better? Is there anyone out there who has ever felt like this?
 
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wwjd_kilden

Guest
#2
#2
I understand that you are hurting
but to be honest I don't think you can blame the relationship with your father for your relationship with your own children,
you are not your father, after all.

Maybe you can seek some kind of counseling? Or maybe you just need a cooling off period (go somewhere for a week, or a weekend, where there are no acquaintances of both of you)?
 
C

coby

Guest
#3
#3
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vo9K75AvfyY

Don't judge so you won't be judged for you do the same thing.
I went to weekends for inner healing. I said I forgive you dad and hold nothing against you. Asked forgiveness for judging and doing the same.
 
sandtigeress

sandtigeress

Senior Member
#4
Apr 29, 2013
526
16
18
#4
you are a better father already !
you apologise to your children, something your father seems incapable !
 
RickyZ

RickyZ

Senior Member
#5
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
787
113
#5
The Biblical call to honor one's parents is predicated on the parents being honorable. I went (and am still going) thru a similar thing with my father. I used to drive 100+ miles (round trip) 2 or 3 times a week to shop, cook and clean for them. Now I visit for an hour one day a week. I keep in contact with my parents because of my mother, but the day we lay her in the ground will be the last day my father ever hears from me. You have no obligation to accept and tolerate his disrespect. I think at this point silence is the best response to people who sing his praises (you're right that you're never going to convince them otherwise). And you should be aware that as you were brought up, you'll have a tendency to do the same to your kids. Knowing that is the first step towards eliminating the problem and making sure you don't continue "the family curse".
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#6
Jun 30, 2015
24,685
13,374
113
#6
Hi Ouch98, and welcome to CC!

I can relate to some of what you shared. I made many of the same mistakes with my kids which my Dad made with me. After my separation, the counselor I was working with showed me how to deal with my anger... all of it. Also, I had to deal with expectations... my own and my Dad's (or rather, what I thought were his). Anyway, I dealt with all that, with God's help. It sounds like you're on the right track, because you see the problem and are working on solutions.

There is a counselor named Patrick Doyle who has several videos on YouTube, hosted by The Dove TV station. His videos teach many principles and practices which have been helpful for me, and I suspect they would be helpful for you as well. One thing he suggests is to write a letter to your offender (your Dad). This format allows you to be honest without the emotional turmoil of a face-to-face interaction. In it, you explain how his behaviour affects you, and you ask him to respond, again in writing.

As to his fans, calmly tell them that your experience is different, and change the subject. If they can't shut up about him, walk away. You don't need to defend yourself or explain your view. Regarding your relationship with your own kids, invite the Lord into your inner being and ask Him to help and heal you.
 
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NewWine

Guest
#7
#7
ouch98 said:
How can I be a good father to my children with no one to show me how to be better? Is there anyone out there who has ever felt like this?
Click to expand...
You have someone to show you how to be better....Christ.
At some point all children have to realize their parents are flawed humans who simply do the best they can to get through the same life we do. Forgive your dad for your own best, forgive those who cherish him and say hurtful things to you. Forgive yourself for following him in any way and for any anger you harbor. Allow God to heal you, and refocus your energy on God instead of on the pain.
Besides the Bible, Prayer and Praise, what helped me get beyond my childhood memories was a book called The Father Heart of God by Floyd McClung. It explains how God will never fail us and can fill the gaps imperfect parents can leave in us.
Peace!!
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#8
Mar 13, 2014
41,311
16,300
113
69
Tennessee
#8
You would do well to put some distance between you and your abusive father. Regardless, you are now a father yourself and you have an opportunity to be the father to your children that you wished that you had for yourself. Welcome to CC.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#9
#9
ouch98 said:
My father is that guy that everyone knows. Hundreds of people can't wait to tell me what an amazing mentor and man he is. He has helped so many people and been such a good guy his whole life. Yet even into my 30s embarrassing stories of me are his best way to get a laugh. He ignores and insults me in public to get entertainment. Talking down to me is the only way he knows how to speak. He has no remorse and spent his life insulting me. I know that I cannot convince the masses what a jerk he is to me. Everyone loves him too much and usually people get angry at me when I speak my mind on the subject. I've approached him with it and he just talks down to me and tells me not to be selfish. I have moved on and don't care. I don't have the time or the energy to deal with him anymore. Problem is I can't get away from him due to issues I don't have time for. I'll never escape the masses who continuously tell me how amazing he is, which enrages me inside. It burns a fire I can't put out. It takes all of my emotional control to act differently with my children than he has my whole life. I have caught myself doing the same to them. I pray, apologize and then treat them better. But this is a burden that I carry with me and will till the day I die. I have had opportunities missed because people think I'm ungrateful to have such an amazing mentor or because I'm incompetent compared to the man. I have been successful without any help and because of my own hard work. But this pain burns inside of me. How can I be a good father to my children with no one to show me how to be better? Is there anyone out there who has ever felt like this?
Click to expand...
The Bible tells me I'm supposed to honor and love Dad, so I ask God to help me out there. How do I behave as an adult despite what Dad is like? As an adult who keeps seeking God's will.

No one has had a dad like my dad. God just doesn't make duplicate people. (Whew! And I count myself in that Whew! lol) And you think your success is all on you? Maybe it's time to seek God. You're so focused on you that you don't see God at work.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#10
#10
tourist said:
You would do well to put some distance between you and your abusive father. Regardless, you are now a father yourself and you have an opportunity to be the father to your children that you wished that you had for yourself. Welcome to CC.
Click to expand...
What makes you think he was abusive? You've heard one side of this story. Christopher Robin Milnes believed his father abused him when A.A. Milne published Winnie the Pooh.
 
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