Pastor's kid

[Ice]

"Life's unfair, get used to it."

A short sentence that has been replaying in my head all my life. It spoke the ugly truth of life but it was always what I've been holding on to. Less expectations, less hurt. I was careful enough to not associate myself with people who might leave me in the end. I have friends but I don't really care much about them. I have a thinking that everyone will leave me sooner or later. Yes, I have issues. Don't judge me tho. I've been bombarded with expectations since I was little. I was expected to excel at everything I do. Studies, sports, music even friendship. I needed to have more friends so I can share the wonderful gift of Christ. Don't get me wrong, I love the Lord but I don't think that it helped that I was expected to share His Word at a young age (without even understanding it myself) I felt pressured to do my best every single time. I got tired. I didn't wanna be the perfect kid. I wanted to go on with life without the fear of being left simply because you aren't good enough.

I was a pastor's kid. I'll tell you why I used was but not now. The story's just starting.

Let me tell you about my childhood. I was told that I was born somewhere in Manila (Philippines) but we're not really sure. Anyways I was sent to Bataan for adoption. Yep, I'm adopted (Surprise!) I can say that I have a good childhood, not the greatest tho. I spent my days with my cousins and aunts. My parents were too busy to take care of me. My mom had a job back then and my dad was an assistant at a church. I wasn't really complaining about them being gone. I understood. Besides, I was happy with the company of my cousins.

Years later, we moved into another house so I had to say goodbye to my lovely cousins. My dad became a pastor which was very hard for us since they didn't have an income and the company that my mom was working in, shut down. So I guess you can say that we were living by faith. We had a rough start, financially, but it all turned out well after a few years. I even had the chance to study in a private school.

I did have a lot of bad memories at that school. A lot. Despite of the 8 years I've been there, I felt like I didn't belong there. I was bullied and I still didn't have the strength to stand up for myself. I was scared and I didn't know what I was scared of. I wasn't scared of the bullies. I wasn't even scared of the teachers. Then I realized I was scared of breaking myself. I was always a positive girl and I didn't want it to change just because of some stupid bullies. But then, Grade 4, I snapped. I was so mad that I forgot what I was mad about but let's just say I kicked a guy because, well, I got tired of being the good girl. At that time, I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was scared of not knowing who I'll be after that so I went with it. I became a bully for 3 years and at last we had to move again but this time it was farther from my hometown. I found a chance. A chance to start over. To be who I thought I wanted to be.

I was an on and off Christian. There was some days I'll be like "I wanna serve the Lord" but mostly "Too tired to give my all for Christ." My parents made sure that I was on the right track so I didn't have the freedom that I wanted. Sometimes I would even blame Him for not allowing me to experience a worldly life. I wasn't the best kid ever and my parents never understood me. I became depressed but no one knew about it. I ate a lot because of stress and sometimes I would never eat at all. i even cut myself. I was so lost and I didn't know who I am anymore. i didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore.

My dad, however, didn't understand how the pressure is affecting me. He assigned me to be a worship leader at a church that we were working on. I didn't want to serve Him yet because I felt like I didn't deserve to be in His presence at all but God has a different plan for me and it was much better.

So I was forced into worship leading but I was so thankful for my team. They loved all my imperfections. I felt accepted. I felt home. For the first time, I felt understood. They led me in the right direction and I gave my life to the Lord completely. I got into His Word. I had my daily devotions. Everything was perfect and I was finally happy and contented but being comfortable can kill you. Something happened that caused me be away from them. My dad, the head pastor, gave in to temptation. He was seeing another woman behind my mother's back. I became a witness to their endless fights and I was back to who I was and it became worse. I didn't wanna be involved with people anymore. I became a heartless person. When my dad left, I didn't even cry. I didn't talk to God for months but I was constantly craving for His presence.

I was sent back to Bataan and I became a worship leader at a local church. I put on this front that I had a perfect Christian life. I gave them encouragements that i knew I needed. I wasn't honest with myself and I wasn't honest with them. I needed to let this out somehow and now here I am. A "Christian" who doesn't know how to cope up with life. I don't know where to find the answers. I still have my daily devotions. I still pray. I even talk to people how I'm feeling but they say the same thing "Just pray about it." Honestly it doesn't help.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Find the answers in prayer and in your bible. Stop trying to please everyone else, and focus on pleasing GOD only. You're not a kid with expectations heaped on you anymore, and you're not perfect. No one is perfect. If you think prayer doesn't help, you're wrong. Just repent of acting like a phony all your life, ask His forgiveness, and most important of all, change your mindset and attitude on your situation because honestly, they're not good, and until you adopt a more positive outlook, you won't get far in your walk with God until you humble yourself.

 

[Ice]

Thanks for this but I'm so confused on how to live my life right now. Everytime I get close to God, something bad happens. I guess I'm scared of getting hurt again that's why I'm having these doubts. I'll focus more on reading His Word and on pleasing Him. Thank you!

 

[blue_ladybug]

Thanks for this but I'm so confused on how to live my life right now. Everytime I get close to God, something bad happens. I guess I'm scared of getting hurt again that's why I'm having these doubts. I'll focus more on reading His Word and on pleasing Him. Thank you!

You're welcome. You're having doubts because of satan. He is giving you these doubts. Rebuke him in the name of Jesus. Satan doesn't like it when we try to draw near to Jesus. Fear is not from God. Please read my CC faith book thread in the Miscellaneous forum. It is stickied at the top of the page. Maybe it will give you some ideas as to how to bring more positivity into your life, and bring you closer to God.

 

[LiJo]

ICE, your story is amazingly similar to my dear friend, who was also adopted and is a pastor's kid. BLB advice is on target. Focus on God and not your problems. Surrender yourself to God and godly people. My friend is finally at peace with herself, praise God!!! It can happen to you too!!! I will lift you up in my prayers.

 

[coby]

That's awful. I was a pastor's wife. It was horrible. And when I divorced the way they had always looked at me and what I felt those expectations that you had to be holy and perfect, came out. They helped him (he cheated) to get the kids and told the judge what a terrible nuts person I was.
Took some time to forgive them all. Really glad that I don't have to be a pastor's wife anymore. Eeeww.
I couldn't forgive him but I chose to and God showed me what I did to him, so I chose to forgive and He did it through me and healed me up and gave me His Love.

Think you need inner healing. His ministry is good:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vo9K75AvfyY

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=v2xwT7j1FCE

 

[notuptome]

The diabolical one does not need to attack you when you are not drawing closer to the Lord. The closer you draw to Christ the more the diabolical one will assault you. Just know that this is evidence that you belong to Christ and that Christ is greater than the one who is attacking you.

1Pe 3:14 But and if ye suffer for righteousness’ sake, happy are ye: and be not afraid of their terror, neither be troubled;

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Angela53510]

You have to stop looking back and start looking forward. Repent of your sins, then let them go.

Everyone I know has had a lousy childhood. You can let it affect you the rest of your life, or you can move forward with God. Like Blue says, read your Bible. Seek God on your knees. Don't depend upon other people, till you know how to depend upon God first.

God is in control. He will change you and transform you. But part of that is letting go of the past, accepting that God allowed you that life for a reason, because he knew you could handle it and he wanted to bring good out of some bad and rotten things.

"For we know all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28.

The catch with this verse, is you really do need to love God. But since he loved you first it isn't that hard.

"We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19


PS. My daughter is a social worker in Child Protective Services and if you heard the stories she tells me about the children she has to abduct from their families, you would be praising God every day for the good life God gave you.

 

[IDEAtor]

You say that you played a role as worship leader. Part of that is to create an environment where people can hear the intended message, hopefully that of God. There cannot be peace without forgiveness. Real forgiveness, true transformation occurs with the Holy Spirit and will at some point involve other people, probably imperfect people. Still, you need to recognize the pain for what it is, without holding onto excuses. This is not to condemn your story, your choices, or even your attitude. This is to encourage you. This is to help a stranger, like you have tried yourself.

Don't neglect your own need for others (not to be confused with others' approval). You were wounded by a man and leader, your dad. He spiritually perverted the Bible-colored pages of your life, so you certainly have reason to be skeptical. However, a pastor is not above God. Rather, it is the Lord who is Holy and with perfect intentions. Therefore, follow Him all the more. Your dad is gone. But Your Heavenly Father is with you, even now. He calls you to Himself, for the purpose of blameless love.

Now, will he correct? Yes. He hates sin, especially that of so-called leaders, who are indifferent. But here is Good News. He not only helps us cope. The God of the Universe can renew your heart's attitude. He can mend the impossible void, while filling emptiness with love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, and self-control. (See Galatians 5). Therefore, you have great reason for anger: that Reason is Christ, who is called "the word that took on flesh." And can do it today. He can take on your flesh... remove the stain of your sin and others', and he can give you a new garment of gratitude, which is not made in South America, Africa, Asia, Europe, Australia, Antarctica, or North America.

God makes you new Himself, while never forgetting grace or mercy. You are, then, a product of heaven; not a byproduct of Hell. But you need to wear it, share it, and brag on Him (rather than self or anyone else). Let others see the light of Christ in your life. And don't forget to look in the mirror with honest thanksgiving, when no one is looking. Ask God to make whatever changes in your life and others'. And do whatever it is He asks; by spirit, example, or by the Book.

You are wise to share your need. Now, as God continues to meet that need and more, share the Good News... genuinely.

--IDEA

 

[IDEAtor]

ADDED:

You are wise to share your need. Now, as God continues to meet that need and more, share the Good News... genuinely.
Oh! Many will be praying for your suggested request. "Lord, do what is required for this pastor's kid. Soften his heart and change his perspective to be like Yours. In Jesus' name, amen."

--IDEA

 

[GodIsSalvation]

Seems to me the central theme here is honesty. I think just be more honest with the people you know, some people will accept you and some won't no matter whether you are honest or not. We live in a dishonest world, so don't get jaded. Praise Jesus and may God comfort you lady Ice, and welcome to CC.

 

[ggs7]

Don't give up. Look to the future. Find out what pleases our Saviour Jesus and concentrate on that.

Remember what the great Apostle Paul said;
Php 3:13 My brothers, I do not count myself to have taken possession, but one thing I do, forgetting the things behind and reaching forward to the things before,
Php 3:14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
Col 3:1 If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God.
Col 3:2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.

Remember that you want to hear these words when you meet Christ Jesus face to face;

Mat 25:23 His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.

 

[Depleted]

I'm a chemical engineer's kid. I've moved 21 times, so each move meant either trust new people or don't trust new people. (I've made both choices.) Out of all that life I've lived, all those moves I made, all those decisions I made, all those friends I've had, in the end there were/are two that haven't deserted me... or truth be told, I deserted them. (Let's face it. I moved, so it wasn't like my friends deserted me. I deserted them. Although I have happily deserted people I thought were friends too.)

The two that are still with me? God and my husband.

God will never desert me, nor will I desert him.

Been married for 35 years. Recently, I've come to realize my husband will desert me. He will die. Can't say he's intentionally deserting me since right now he's doing all he can to come back. But, yeah, he will desert me or I will desert him. THAT is life.

And I really can't place my whole life's existence on Dad was a chemical engineer either. I do know his job did cause upheaval. (If he didn't move, he didn't get a raise. Mom moved roughly 24 times before she was old enough to move away from home, so her goal was to stay-put. Five of those moves were directly related to Dad had to move and take what was left of us with him. Two parents with opposite goals was a recipe for disaster. And it was disaster, and we kids faced that disaster simply because there was no other choice but to face it.)

My father's expectation? For all his kids to be successful, thus rich.

My mother's expectations? "Be happy."

Somewhere along the way I learned it wasn't about their expectations.

Later on I learned it wasn't about my expectations.

It has always been and always will be about God's expectations. The prophet Jonah didn't like that deal, so when God called him, he ran. He could have simply taking a ship to get him to where God wanted him to go. He chose a ship headed in the opposite direction. One huge storm and one ride in a fish's belly later, he landed right where God expected him to be with the (temporary) heart that God gave him.

You really can go with whatever you want to go with, but really? I've lived the fish belly and recommend the scenic route instead. God always gets his expectations. We're here for the ride with him.

Good life plan!

 

[Depleted]

Everytime I get close to God, something bad happens.

Yup! Bad news. It keeps happening.

Good news. You grow to be more of the person God wants you to be from the struggles. God's not out to make you Miss Well-loved, Popular, Success Story that everyone can admire. He's out to make you a good person more in his image, so you spend eternity enjoying his company directly because he loves you that much. If having 10 or more can't-live-without-them-love-them-so-much friends, a successful job, and a picture perfect life made us closer to God, all his kids would have that life.

God never promised any of that stuff. Think about Jesus and his apostles' lives.

2 Cor. 4:7-12
7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 11 For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12 So death is at work in us, but life in you.

This is what God does to work in us. A friend of ours is a missionary in our town. (He's a missionary for Southwest Philadelphia, PA, USA, so we need them here too.) He had a son who was 20 months old. During the night between the day before Easter and Easter, his son died of SID's. (Sudden Infant Death.) The verses I just gave were the verses he read at his son's funeral.

This is what we signed up for, because this is the God who will not desert us and will make us more like him through our struggles. So, yup. You aren't crazy. The more you clean to God the harder it gets. BUT you are clinging to God and he is clinging to you, so you are getting the very, very best!

 

[Ice]

thank you so much and God bless I'm doing my best to focus on Him more. Thank you for your prayers!

 

[sandtigeress]

Hi Ice,

yes the focussing on god is good and doing prayer is good

But can I tell you something else:
Don't try so hard to get it "Right"

Talk to god, like you do when you talk to yourself.
Don't think about the how, and about the appearance, just talk to your/our best friend, our almighty god.
He sees into the heart, he already knows all, so there is no need to fit an image of oneself.

There is no should, no great rock to climb over to be with god,
just your words (talking to god, called prayer),
and his words (through bible and holy sprint).

God gives healing, but it takes time, and us rushing it, which the
negative believe "We should be much more advanced ...", is
not helping the process

Anyway, welcome to the forum, prayers are on the way

 

[pwrnJC]

Ice.....I too am a pastor's kid....and yes, a lot was expected of me, due to that fact. The very length of my hair was important to dad, what I wore, how I behaved in church, etc. Of course, as a teenager, I resented that..now that I have children and grandchildren, I totally understand. I do not know about where you were born, but here in good old U.S.A, most preacher's kids are known as BRATS...and the reputation they have, due to rebellion within the home, is well known. I had to Grow UP..eventually, and I would pass that advice over to YOU. You cannot change the fact that you are a preacher's kid....get used to it...go beyond it....get over yourself and stop using it as a sick excuse to have bad attitudes. Should your dad have to apologize for being a preacher to you just so that you don't have to vent here online?