When to forgive.

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Daniellelynn

Guest
#1
#1
For the past 10 years or so, my alcoholic mother, my younger brother, and my younger sister have lived with me on and off. Over this span of time they have said and done horrible things to me and my family. False police charges. Threats to our employers. Made up rumors to break up my marriage. Physical threats made.
Verbal abuse almost daily. There's a list of hateful, evil things that they have done to us. The lates being just last month. They are displaced again and has just asked me if they could move in for a few weeks and I don't know what to say. They have nowhere else to go. I am trying to be forgiving but I've never received an apology. Any advice?
 
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NewWine

Guest
#2
#2
Pray for them, and ask for guidance in this. Forgiving them isn't for them, it's for your benefit, so study and learn what it truly means to forgive someone....forgiving them doesn't mean being their doormat. Instead of letting them live with you, offer to help them secure a place to live. Instead of giving them money, write them a check made out to the landlord. Instead of giving them money for food, buy food. If this isn't possible for you to do, then offer to help them find real help. That's what I would do anyways.
Peace
 
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Ugly

Guest
#3
#3
Forgiving doesn't mean you ignore repeated mistreatment and continually put yourself in a place to allow people to constantly and consistently mistreat you. You can forgive and choose not to be angry and bitter yet still be aware of how they act and prevent yourself from letting it keep happening.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#4
Mar 13, 2014
41,312
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Tennessee
#4
Tell them you're no longer running the Do Drop Inn and to try the Salvation Army. Really, who needs the verbal abuse and disruption on your life and family. This has nothing to do with forgiveness, of course you should forgive them but for the sake of your mental and financial well being I would not let them back in your home.
 
sandtigeress

sandtigeress

Senior Member
#5
Apr 29, 2013
526
16
18
#5
Forgiving does not mean giving people the opportunity to do it again.
(In a sense that may even be a temptation).
I do not know how to handle your birth family, but you have to find a way to protect your
now family and let god take care of them.
this is harsh and I do not know, if i could do it.
Praying for you all.
 
Blain

Blain

The Word Weaver
#6
Aug 28, 2012
19,213
2,547
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#6
Daniellelynn said:
For the past 10 years or so, my alcoholic mother, my younger brother, and my younger sister have lived with me on and off. Over this span of time they have said and done horrible things to me and my family. False police charges. Threats to our employers. Made up rumors to break up my marriage. Physical threats made.
Verbal abuse almost daily. There's a list of hateful, evil things that they have done to us. The lates being just last month. They are displaced again and has just asked me if they could move in for a few weeks and I don't know what to say. They have nowhere else to go. I am trying to be forgiving but I've never received an apology. Any advice?
Click to expand...
From what you have explained they are not people you need to be around and it seems as if they are just going to take advantage of your hospitality. Forgiving them is good loving them is great but enabling them is a big no no. You have heard teaching a man to fish correct? the moral behind that is to not do things for someone when they have the ability to learn and to be able to do it themselves otherwise you just have a guy chilling while you fish for his dinner.

Think of a mama bird for a second, when the baby bird is old enough what she does seems horrible she makes it jump from the nest whether it succeeds in flying or falling. But there is a divine purpose to what she does here, if she never let the bird jump and kept it safe in the nest for the rest of it's life she would constantly have to take care of it it would never learn how to fly.
God is a clever one it's as if the mechanics of this world and of things like nature were all designed to teach us, say that you are the mama bird not that your their mom, if you cover them with your wings and let them stay in the nest they will never leave and won't learn how to live on their own.
 
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Daniellelynn

Guest
#7
#7
I totally agree with all of your comments. Thank you so much for the feedback.
 
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Daniellelynn

Guest
#8
#8
The decision to let my sister move in is really hard only because she's 22 with 4 kids between the ages of 6 and 7 months old. I've called 6 shelters and transitional housing assistance programs and they're all full. I need to heat from God. I can't find the scripture and I've prayed for guidance. She needs an answer today. Anymore suggestions?
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#9
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
2,943
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#9
This is abuse, pure and simple! Forgive them, but do not allow them an opportunity to start this cycle of abuse again. Your mother is an addict, which brings a whole set of problems and issues with them.

I also think if you let them stay, they probably will not leave again for a long time. So for the sake of your marriage, your mental health, tell them they may not move in under any circumstances. Addicts don't change, they just use, unless God turns their life upside down.

And if they try to move in, get a restraining order. Or lock the door if they arrive on your doorstep, and call the police to remove them. And do spend some time reading about alcoholism, and realize that if you let her come back, you are enabling her to continue being an alcoholic, which is the worst thing you could do for her.

Sadly, not allowing them into your house to stay is actually the best way to love her. Because she may hit bottom, and then she might get helped. Or even better - look up and find God.
 
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Daniellelynn

Guest
#10
#10
Thank you Angela, your words are highly appreciated.
 
Blain

Blain

The Word Weaver
#11
Aug 28, 2012
19,213
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#11
I agree completely with Angela, I don't know these people but something tells me if you let them live with you they may never leave and if you provide for them whether they will mooch off you or not Idk but even if you decide to allow them to live there you need to make it clear that they have to help around the house and they need to do what they can to get jobs.
 
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Daniellelynn

Guest
#12
#12
Your right. 90% of our fights and arguments were about helping with household chores and bills. And I don't mean just a few crumbs left on the counter but dirty diapers everywhere, empty beer cans left all over the kitchen, dirty dishes, food stains and formula all over my couch, etc. This is what we came home to everyday after work. I'm still paying on a $400 electric bill they stuck me with last year.
 
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Daniellelynn

Guest
#13
#13
My trust in my mother and sister are completely gone. They've hurt me too many times. I've been praying for courage and the right words to say to them workout having another huge blowout. Their hurtful words truly affect me for a long time each and every time.
 
resurrection33

resurrection33

Banned
#14
Dec 19, 2009
27,513
128
0
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#14
Daniellelynn said:
For the past 10 years or so, my alcoholic mother, my younger brother, and my younger sister have lived with me on and off. Over this span of time they have said and done horrible things to me and my family. False police charges. Threats to our employers. Made up rumors to break up my marriage. Physical threats made.
Verbal abuse almost daily. There's a list of hateful, evil things that they have done to us. The lates being just last month. They are displaced again and has just asked me if they could move in for a few weeks and I don't know what to say. They have nowhere else to go. I am trying to be forgiving but I've never received an apology. Any advice?
Click to expand...
You owe then nothing, as far as I know. Do you and your own family want to share your home with them?
 
santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#15
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
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#15
From the way you describe their behavior, not only do I agree with all the above advice, I would also add that I think you should cut off communication with them. Forgive them -- yes. But please do not allow them to ruin your life.

Look at it this way: Each time you "rescue" them, you deny them the opportunity to discover their own utter depravity.
 
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Daniellelynn

Guest
#16
#16
I am extremely grateful for this site. I belong to a church of over 3,000 members and I have to make an appointment just to speak to a spiritual advisor so I'm extremely grateful for everyone's advice. Here's an update: I called my family and said " I've been praying, seeking counsel, reading my Bible, and thinking about what to do all day. Unfortunately,after what has transpired over these past few years I can not allow you to move here but I will help you in every other way possible. I've made calls and connections and I can help you find a place Asap. She cursed me out and hung up in my face. My mom tried to call me and I refused to answer. I AM TIRED. Thank you all so so much for the guidance I needed and received today. Glory be to God. All opinions welcomed.
 
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Daniellelynn

Guest
#17
#17
No..not at all! But I don't want to block my blessings.
 
Blain

Blain

The Word Weaver
#18
Aug 28, 2012
19,213
2,547
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#18
Daniellelynn said:
Your right. 90% of our fights and arguments were about helping with household chores and bills. And I don't mean just a few crumbs left on the counter but dirty diapers everywhere, empty beer cans left all over the kitchen, dirty dishes, food stains and formula all over my couch, etc. This is what we came home to everyday after work. I'm still paying on a $400 electric bill they stuck me with last year.
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I had a feeling this was the case. Again I think you should make them find their own way however if you end up allowing them to live there you need to make some ground rules and you need to be firm with the rules.
I am not sure if your family is the full on mooching type but I know from experience that if a moocher can they will leech without end until forced to move or to work
 
Blain

Blain

The Word Weaver
#19
Aug 28, 2012
19,213
2,547
113
#19
Daniellelynn said:
I am extremely grateful for this site. I belong to a church of over 3,000 members and I have to make an appointment just to speak to a spiritual advisor so I'm extremely grateful for everyone's advice. Here's an update: I called my family and said " I've been praying, seeking counsel, reading my Bible, and thinking about what to do all day. Unfortunately,after what has transpired over these past few years I can not allow you to move here but I will help you in every other way possible. I've made calls and connections and I can help you find a place Asap. She cursed me out and hung up in my face. My mom tried to call me and I refused to answer. I AM TIRED. Thank you all so so much for the guidance I needed and received today. Glory be to God. All opinions welcomed.
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I am very proud of you:eek: the fact that she cursed you out and hung up says a lot
 
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Daniellelynn

Guest
#20
#20
I agree, Thank you Blain. I at first felt guilty, but I know I did the right thing.
 
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