How to Pray through Your Anger?

[pinkandvine]

Psalms 37:8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
Proverbs 15:18 A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.
Proverbs 29:22 A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.

Colossians 3:8, 12-13 But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

I have been reading and re-reading the above scriptures over the last couple of weeks, following a very heated, emotionally draining encounter between my ex-husband and our son (in which I had to intervene). What I am finding so difficult, is how do I continue to live like God wants me to live and forgive those that have wronged my children, when I am still so angry? I hate to defy God and continue to feel this way and I am praying and asking forgiveness for the anger and hatred that I have been feeling in my heart. I know that it's not up to me to punish anyone, that is God's job...but when my children have been hurt, my motherly instinct (my flesh) takes over. It would be different, I guess, if the incidents did not continue to repeat themselves, but over and over the same scenario replays itself. I try to be a good person and I have never denied a relationship between them and their father, but it is proving to be unhealthy mentally and emotionally ( and could have been physically, had I not stepped in).

 

[Sirk]

Psalms 37:8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
Proverbs 15:18 A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.
Proverbs 29:22 A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.

Colossians 3:8, 12-13 But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

I have been reading and re-reading the above scriptures over the last couple of weeks, following a very heated, emotionally draining encounter between my ex-husband and our son (in which I had to intervene). What I am finding so difficult, is how do I continue to live like God wants me to live and forgive those that have wronged my children, when I am still so angry? I hate to defy God and continue to feel this way and I am praying and asking forgiveness for the anger and hatred that I have been feeling in my heart. I know that it's not up to me to punish anyone, that is God's job...but when my children have been hurt, my motherly instinct (my flesh) takes over. It would be different, I guess, if the incidents did not continue to repeat themselves, but over and over the same scenario replays itself. I try to be a good person and I have never denied a relationship between them and their father, but it is proving to be unhealthy mentally and emotionally ( and could have been physically, had I not stepped in).

Anger isn't a sin. Acting out of anger is. Anger is an indication that a boundary has been crossed or a core value has been violated. Speak the truth to your anger. You want your ex to be nice to your son. "Be nice to him" is a very ok boundary. When someone continues to cross a legitimate boundary then additional steps can be taken.

 

[JosephsDreams]

Anger is not a sin. Conversely, the peace only our Lord can provide is something to strive to.

 

[pinkandvine]

There is definitely a long history between my ex-husband and our son.....however my son has always maintained respect and proper behavior, however our son is 17 now and due to a minor disagreement, my ex-husband chose to call our son, using profanity and threatening to physically do harm to him and in turn used profanity towards me and threatened me while on the phone, because I refused to let him come over to our house at 11pm to confront our son. (Mind you he had been drinking). My son was trying to handle the conversation with his father, however when he came to my room, while on the phone with his father, I could both hear and see that he was reaching his boiling point and I took the phone to try to diffuse the situation. I pray for my children daily, as well as praying for my sanity, for forgiveness and patience. I know that evil lives in some, and I try to arm myself and my family with God's word and live by his example, but it's getting harder and harder to accept the hateful, spiteful and evil ways of people....It is very discouraging to see my children suffer at the mouth/hands of their father and feel like we have to allow things to just "happen"

 

[Sirk]

There is definitely a long history between my ex-husband and our son.....however my son has always maintained respect and proper behavior, however our son is 17 now and due to a minor disagreement, my ex-husband chose to call our son, using profanity and threatening to physically do harm to him and in turn used profanity towards me and threatened me while on the phone, because I refused to let him come over to our house at 11pm to confront our son. (Mind you he had been drinking). My son was trying to handle the conversation with his father, however when he came to my room, while on the phone with his father, I could both hear and see that he was reaching his boiling point and I took the phone to try to diffuse the situation. I pray for my children daily, as well as praying for my sanity, for forgiveness and patience. I know that evil lives in some, and I try to arm myself and my family with God's word and live by his example, but it's getting harder and harder to accept the hateful, spiteful and evil ways of people....It is very discouraging to see my children suffer at the mouth/hands of their father and feel like we have to allow things to just "happen"

Sounds like your ex needs a visit from the police. If he is threatening you or your son I would report him.

 

[pinkandvine]

I definitely, threatened to call the police, if he had stepped foot on my door step that night and had every intention to do just that, had he not turned around and went back home...... I know that the bible says to "forgive those who trespass against us"... however, I am not ready, nor do I know when I may actually be able to that that! I keep praying that my children and I can find some peace in the whole situation. My son had a really tough last year or so, in which he was severely depressed and even contemplated suicide, he has been in counseling for a couple of years and even attended a intensive teen therapy program and was in a much better place, mentally, physically and emotionally. He even tried to write down his feelings to his father months ago, because he gets such anxiety, with the thought of having a conversation with him. That letter, resulted in his father, telling him basically: "if our son didn't want to be bothered with him, than he would just say forget it and concentrate on a relationship with our daughter".....However my daughter is now in counseling, per her request, to talk about her feelings...she has also suffered from migraines (she's 11yrs old) since last summer and was hospitalized last August for 7 days, trying to find a medical reason for them.....No specific, medical issue...so stress is definitely a factor.

 

[JosephsDreams]

There is definitely a long history between my ex-husband and our son.....however my son has always maintained respect and proper behavior, however our son is 17 now and due to a minor disagreement, my ex-husband chose to call our son, using profanity and threatening to physically do harm to him and in turn used profanity towards me and threatened me while on the phone, because I refused to let him come over to our house at 11pm to confront our son. (Mind you he had been drinking). My son was trying to handle the conversation with his father, however when he came to my room, while on the phone with his father, I could both hear and see that he was reaching his boiling point and I took the phone to try to diffuse the situation. I pray for my children daily, as well as praying for my sanity, for forgiveness and patience. I know that evil lives in some, and I try to arm myself and my family with God's word and live by his example, but it's getting harder and harder to accept the hateful, spiteful and evil ways of people....It is very discouraging to see my children suffer at the mouth/hands of their father and feel like we have to allow things to just "happen"

You don't have to "accept the hateful, spiteful, and evil ways" if by accept you mean he is permitted to verbally abuse or intimidate you or your son. That's where you can draw a line. Condemnation and threats are tools of the devil. Your in a spiritual battle. Every Christian experiences it from time to time. If it was me, I would start praying in a fashion that is spiritual warfare.
And as Sirk said, there is not dishonor in having to use the available authorities if need be. If he can't stay civil, then he is forfeiting his privilege to certain rewards that a loving respectful relationship provides.

 

[pinkandvine]

"I would start praying in a fashion that is spiritual warfare" I will be getting on my knees and praying against those tool of the devil.....I have not communicated with him since this last incident, nor has our son... as thankfully, he was visiting from another state and we don't have to see him, however I know this behavior is surely to resurface....he reached out through his mother to ask our son to contact him, however when I asked him if he wanted to communicate with his father, he said NO! I don't blame him and he is old enough to make the decision to not be in contact with him. My daughter was privy to this last display of immaturity...she has not ask to call him, nor has she mentioned him.....My heart breaks for them! Bu, I'm a "Momma Bear" when it comes protecting them and I will continue to pray for strength, because there is no way that I will ever understand this type of behavior.

 

[Dino246]

Hi Pinkandvine, and welcome to CC!

I'm saddened to hear of your situation; I've been through a divorce, and I can relate to the anger.

There are several reasons for anger, some of which have been addressed in the responses above. In your case, the anger is a legitimate response to the injustice and hurt which your ex is causing. However, I hear your desire to handle the anger well.

Forgiving your ex for his actions and words, even in the midst of your anger, is possible. It is accomplished by looking at his actions through the cross (in a metaphorical sense). In the parable of the unmerciful servant, Jesus describes a servant who, despite having just been forgiven an enormous debt, violently exacted a small debt from a fellow servant. We all are like that first servant; our sin against God is very large, and our fellow human's offense against us, while real, significant, and hurtful, is very small in comparison. Keep Jesus' sacrifice for you in mind, and forgiving others is much easier.

Forgiveness is not saying what he does is okay (definitely not!). Rather, it is saying to God, "I surrender judgment, punishment and vengeance to You, because I trust Your justice more than I trust my own." Sometimes we can do that in what seems to be our own strength. Sometimes, we need to ask God to give us the strength to forgive, even through gritted teeth. In truth, we can't forgive without the Holy Spirit. Keep seeking His strength before, during, and after the battles.

Set, and keep, some wise boundaries around your ex and his behaviour. And stick around here... there is much to enjoy, and many good people on this site.

 

[pinkandvine]

Thank you for your response to my post, to look at the situation in the metaphorical sense as described, is definitely more tangible to me. I am steadfast in my prayers for strength to forgive and yes "through gritted teeth"! I know that this struggle is far from over and it is not my task to punish, judge or to seek vengeance....Your quote... it is saying to God, "I surrender judgment, punishment and vengeance to You, because I trust Your justice more than I trust my own....truly struck a cord with me! I will recite this and continue to find strength in the fact that I am turning over to the Lord and in due time, those who have wronged me and my family, will have to answer to someone far more powerful than myself. I will definitely stick around here too, it's very helpful!

Romans 2:6
God "will repay each person according to what they have done."

2 Thessalonians 1:6
God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you

Psalm 37:7
Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.

Hi Pinkandvine, and welcome to CC!

I'm saddened to hear of your situation; I've been through a divorce, and I can relate to the anger.

There are several reasons for anger, some of which have been addressed in the responses above. In your case, the anger is a legitimate response to the injustice and hurt which your ex is causing. However, I hear your desire to handle the anger well.

Forgiving your ex for his actions and words, even in the midst of your anger, is possible. It is accomplished by looking at his actions through the cross (in a metaphorical sense). In the parable of the unmerciful servant, Jesus describes a servant who, despite having just been forgiven an enormous debt, violently exacted a small debt from a fellow servant. We all are like that first servant; our sin against God is very large, and our fellow human's offense against us, while real, significant, and hurtful, is very small in comparison. Keep Jesus' sacrifice for you in mind, and forgiving others is much easier.

Forgiveness is not saying what he does is okay (definitely not!). Rather, it is saying to God, "I surrender judgment, punishment and vengeance to You, because I trust Your justice more than I trust my own." Sometimes we can do that in what seems to be our own strength. Sometimes, we need to ask God to give us the strength to forgive, even through gritted teeth. In truth, we can't forgive without the Holy Spirit. Keep seeking His strength before, during, and after the battles.

Set, and keep, some wise boundaries around your ex and his behaviour. And stick around here... there is much to enjoy, and many good people on this site.

 

[Silex]

"I would start praying in a fashion that is spiritual warfare" I will be getting on my knees and praying against those tool of the devil.....I have not communicated with him since this last incident, nor has our son... as thankfully, he was visiting from another state and we don't have to see him, however I know this behavior is surely to resurface....he reached out through his mother to ask our son to contact him, however when I asked him if he wanted to communicate with his father, he said NO! I don't blame him and he is old enough to make the decision to not be in contact with him. My daughter was privy to this last display of immaturity...she has not ask to call him, nor has she mentioned him.....My heart breaks for them! Bu, I'm a "Momma Bear" when it comes protecting them and I will continue to pray for strength, because there is no way that I will ever understand this type of behavior.

Hi pinkandvine,

Its good to know you realize you're in a spiritual warfare, and that you're prepared to fight through it.

Anger isn't easy to control for sure. But you could give this a try: Next time (and I hope there isn't a next time), you see a similar situation, remind yourself to take a few deep breaths, say a short prayer, and before you intervene an escalated argument, tell yourself "I won't respond to a fool according to his folly." And then don't fall into the argument trap, instead hang up the phone, close the door, or do whatever you have to remove yourself and your children and take them to safety.

If you like this strategy, then share it with your children as well. This way, when you apply the strategy, they won't be caught off-guard.

Disagreement leads to argument. Argument leads to disrespect. Disrespect leads to hurt. Hurt leads to anger.

Therefore, its easier to avoid anger if you close the conversation when it turns to argument.

 

[pinkandvine]

Great advice...I know I can try this! Anything to remove the stress and turmoil from our lives is a welcomed suggestion! I usually don't allow such things to completely take me out of character, but in life we all have a breaking point, which only through God's grace and mercy, we can avoid falling victim to the devil's constant attacks on our lives!

 

[Dan58]

It is very discouraging to see my children suffer at the mouth/hands of their father and feel like we have to allow things to just "happen"

No you don't.. Anger is not evil, but being an out-of-control maniac is.. God gets angry, and when Jesus saw the money changers in the temple, he didn't "allow things to just happen". A good mother doesn't allow her children to suffer needlessly, so don't feel your obligated to remain calm when your ex gets abusive. Standing by and watching it happen would be a bigger sin than getting upset and stopping it. "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). Your not obligated to forgive someone who doesn't repent either, in fact, you ought to rebuke your ex until he stops his abusive ways (Luke 17:3). I suspect God appreciates you getting your dander up to right a wrong... Hang tough and don't put-up with that nonsense.. I'm sure God doesn't like it, and neither should you.