Parents Putting Strain On Marriage

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Airca1991

Guest
#1
#1
Hello!

So, this is going to be a long one but I really need some advice on all of it. I have been married to my husband for five years now and he is amazing. Such a wonderful husband and father to our daughter. He has had a relationship with my father for about ten years. My dad is the pastor of the church that we both serve in, we live right across the street from my parents, and my husband works for one of my fathers good friends, and he works with our brother in law. Needless to say there isn't a whole lot of breathing room. But my dad is very controlling. For example my husband is looking for another job and my dad TOLD him he had to tell his boss that he was pursuing other jobs. He also TELLS him to preach. Rarely asks. Whenever my dad has an issue with my husband he texts me to tell my husband. I am just at the end of my rope! I love my family so much but in my soul I do not agree with how he treats us. At one point he told my husband and I that we have a heart issue and that we don't love people. But I know that the Word says no man can judge the heart! He also proceeded to tell my that he knows my husband better than I do and that he has all the issues. How can he say he knows the man I LIVE with and share my life with better than I do!?! I want so badly to say something about all of this, but I believe he would just cut us off from everything or turn it around to being our fault.
The reason I have decided to write this is because I am in desperate need of some encouragement. I can't talk to anyone in my family aside from my husband or anyone in our church. I just don't know what to do anymore. Thank you so much for reading this if you have and any advice or just encouraging words are greatly appreciated.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#2
#2
Airca1991 said:
Hello!

So, this is going to be a long one but I really need some advice on all of it. I have been married to my husband for five years now and he is amazing. Such a wonderful husband and father to our daughter. He has had a relationship with my father for about ten years. My dad is the pastor of the church that we both serve in, we live right across the street from my parents, and my husband works for one of my fathers good friends, and he works with our brother in law. Needless to say there isn't a whole lot of breathing room. But my dad is very controlling. For example my husband is looking for another job and my dad TOLD him he had to tell his boss that he was pursuing other jobs. He also TELLS him to preach. Rarely asks. Whenever my dad has an issue with my husband he texts me to tell my husband. I am just at the end of my rope! I love my family so much but in my soul I do not agree with how he treats us. At one point he told my husband and I that we have a heart issue and that we don't love people. But I know that the Word says no man can judge the heart! He also proceeded to tell my that he knows my husband better than I do and that he has all the issues. How can he say he knows the man I LIVE with and share my life with better than I do!?! I want so badly to say something about all of this, but I believe he would just cut us off from everything or turn it around to being our fault.
The reason I have decided to write this is because I am in desperate need of some encouragement. I can't talk to anyone in my family aside from my husband or anyone in our church. I just don't know what to do anymore. Thank you so much for reading this if you have and any advice or just encouraging words are greatly appreciated.
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What were the vows you gave your husband at your wedding?

Here are mine.
“Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.” (Ruth 1:16-17)

I vowed to follow hubby and his people, not my people. (God is the same God for both of us, because I vowed to follow God too.) You're in a different position than I was, since Dd is no minister. But I also vowed to follow hubby, not Dad anymore.

So what were your wedding vows? They should be your answer. And your father truly is controlling if, in your wedding vows, you promised hubby that you'd make him do anything your dad told you to tell him to do.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#3
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#3
Your Father is probably correct on many of the issues, like wanting your husband to be honest and tell his boss that he's looking for another job and plans to quit. Since his boss is a friend of your Dad's, I'm sure he doesn't want to see his friend left high and dry when your husband walks off the job. That's kind of cold blooded and is probably what your Dad meant by "heart issues"? And your Dad probably meant that he knows your husbands character better than you do, your probably too close to be objective or see any flaws. In any event, you have 2 choices, you can stop ignoring your Dad's emails and communicate, or you need to separate yourselves from the hindrance and move out of the area.. Lots of parents are controlling, but only if you allow them to control you.. jmo
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#4
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#4
Daddy is a control freak, plain and simple. Your hubby has a brain, I'm sure that he already knows he needs to let his boss know he's looking for another job. Tell daddy he needs to back off and stay out of YOUR marital issues. Personally, living across the street from your parents is a big part of the problem. Daddy literally sees everything you do. Move elsewhere so you're not under his view anymore..
 
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Depleted

Guest
#5
#5
blue_ladybug said:
Daddy is a control freak, plain and simple. Your hubby has a brain, I'm sure that he already knows he needs to let his boss know he's looking for another job. Tell daddy he needs to back off and stay out of YOUR marital issues. Personally, living across the street from your parents is a big part of the problem. Daddy literally sees everything you do. Move elsewhere so you're not under his view anymore..
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So you're telling her to control her husband, instead of her dad controlling both of them? That's not the answer either.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#6
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
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#6
Depleted said:
So you're telling her to control her husband, instead of her dad controlling both of them? That's not the answer either.
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No where in my reply have I said for HER to control her husband.. I said they should move away from being so close to her parent's home. I also told her to tell daddy he needs to butt out.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#7
#7
blue_ladybug said:
No where in my reply have I said for HER to control her husband.. I said they should move away from being so close to her parent's home. I also told her to tell daddy he needs to butt out.
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And how is that move happening without her telling hubby what to do and then doing what's need to get him to go along?

Yes, you are telling her things to do but those very things keep her stuck where she is now -- right between Dad and hubby. It's a lose/lose plan.
 
Willie-T

Willie-T

Banned
#8
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#8
blue_ladybug said:
No where in my reply have I said for HER to control her husband.. I said they should move away from being so close to her parent's home. I also told her to tell daddy he needs to butt out.
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This is very true. I read posts quite carefully, usually no less than three times, and I look for what is not said, too... and, at no time did the Bug even suggest the wife tell the husband what to do.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#9
Mar 13, 2014
41,313
16,301
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Tennessee
#9
Your father is encroaching on you and your husband's space. I would suggest that you put some distance between your marriage and your father. Probably would not hurt either to find another church attend also. Your husband does not have to tell anyone anything about the personal details of his life and his job search. I hope that this site becomes a safe haven for you. Welcome to CC.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#10
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#10
Depleted said:
And how is that move happening without her telling hubby what to do and then doing what's need to get him to go along?

Yes, you are telling her things to do but those very things keep her stuck where she is now -- right between Dad and hubby. It's a lose/lose plan.
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If she presents the idea to hubby, and he agrees, then OBVIOUSLY they would be in mutual agreement..
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#11
Mar 13, 2014
41,313
16,301
113
69
Tennessee
#11
blue_ladybug said:
No where in my reply have I said for HER to control her husband.. I said they should move away from being so close to her parent's home. I also told her to tell daddy he needs to butt out.
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Her daddy needs to butt out of their affairs big time.
 
JesusLives

JesusLives

Senior Member
#13
Oct 11, 2013
14,551
2,171
113
#13
If this were my situation I would talk with my husband and ask him where he would like to live and then go about getting my ducks in a row to move to that location and start fresh out of Dad's control area.

Before the move I would go to my parents and tell them just how much I love them both but that we as a couple feel that we need to spread our wings and experience life in the new location.

The Bible tells us we must honor our father and mother not be controlled by them or him in this case. It just sounds like your lives are too mingled to have the freedom to grow as a married couple and it is hard for parents to let go, however, distance makes the heart grow fonder.... and it might be a good solution to help keep the peace... for your own mind and your husbands.
 
H

HisHolly

Guest
#14
#14
It's obviously a burden. Jesus's yoke is easy and burden is light.. Jesus didn't free you just to have you set under someone. Submit to authorities not controllers.. Their is a way out but you will lose some comfort for a while as you break from control people often take back what they supposedly gave you... Their is such a wealth of wisdom, knowledge, insight that's given freely... Pray and be willing to do what's needed.. I pray for your trust and courage to fight for the freedom that's yours..
 
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