Hello. I am in a very dark place in my life right now, so please forgive me if I ramble.
I met my wife online about 8 years ago. It was a very strange way to meet, we met on social media; and neither of us even knew how we became friends. We were instantly both just so excited to talk to each other. We chatted for awhile, then we took it to the next level and started talking on the phone.
We were separated by about 2,000 miles. I flew out to visit her after about 6 months of chatting. We were both definitely in love with one another.
After several trips of visiting her, I realized I had a decision to make. The decision was very easy. I left all of my loving family and friends to move and be with her.
We decided to get married six years ago. We always talked about how we would always be together no matter what. The only issue we could have possibly seen was my drinking. I always had a drinking problem; not the drink every day type. The once I get a couple of drinks in me, I can't stop type. I also developed a violent anger issue. I would throw things, break things, etc. Both of those, so I thought, were my demons. I only looked at how they both hurt me to deal with. Whilst drinking, I would verbally attack her. I have threatened to take my life whilst drunk. I grabbed her and yanked her out of her car whilst blacked out. I knew that I needed to stop drinking, but it just wasn't that easy for me. I would justify things by saying "ah I'll only drink on Fridays" or "I've never hit her or anything. I'd never do that." I think what affected her most was the verbal abuse. I often wouldn't even remember what I said to her.
Most of the times were good times. I would have an outburst of anger, and throw something or curse and yell. I honestly didn't see how that was hurting her until she was gone.
She left 2 weeks ago, she had her family move all of her stuff out while I was at work. I couldn't believe it. I knew that I had problems, but she would always fix everything with a smile. People said she was an enabler, but I'm having a hard time accepting that. I can't place any blame on her.
After she left, I went to my home state for 5 days or so. I just couldn't stay and deal with it. I was completely crushed. I'd go through phases where I was crushed because she was gone, then completely destroyed because I finally realized what I was doing to her. How could I have done those things to the person that I love so much? I saw that it was hurting her, but I was able to block out how much it was hurting her.
Throughout this, we have stayed in communication, but very light and cold. I of course started begging her to take me back, I will change, all that nonsense. There was always hope. She said that we needed to work on ourselves, but who knows what the future will bring. When I got back from my home state, I heard from one of her family members that she was "moving on". I called her, and she didn't answer. She called me right back. I asked "why have I heard from your family member that you are moving on?" She said "I tried to tell you that". So, then back to my old ways, I pressured her into saying that she wants a divorce. I was emotional and she was emotional. I told her that I would accept that if I couldn't make her happy, I love her and I want happiness for her.
The next day, I found a card that she had written to me two years prior. It explained how happy she was and how lucky she was to have me as a husband. I then knew that I couldn't just give up.
Now, for our current situation. She is being very cold and I understand that. I was supposed to protect her heart, not damage and callus it. The only thing I wish from her is that she would have sat down and told me how she feels, with a very serious tone. She didn't owe me that. Anyways, all she will talk to me about is finances and how we are going to split the bills. I am staying at our house, she is not.
I am proud to say that I have been sober through this. It has been the hardest time in my life, and I'm proud that I haven't given in to drinking. I've promised a lot of people in my life that I would stop drinking. This is the first time I have promised myself. I decided to reach out to the Lord because I was so lost. It's kind of ironic, because I always would kind of poke fun at people that turned to God in time of weakness. I realize now that was the devil using me as a vehicle. All of the negative things I've done are, really, Satan working through me. Even through all of this, the Lord was able to forgive me and still accept me. That is amazing!
I was baptized for the first time today. I've always believed in God, but I've never submit myself to him. I wasn't living life according to the word. I've decided to try as hard as I can to sit back and let him take over. I want to really focus on my relationship with him. Focus on bettering myself for me, because I'm tired of messing up my life this way. After reading what the Lord thinks about divorce, I have faith that I will get an opportunity to reconcile. If not, I have her to thank for building my relationship with the Lord.
I really do not know what to say to her, if anything. I'm really struggling with that, because I don't want to lose her. I can't imagine life without her. She seems like she is completely done with me. She wants to sell the house, and split everything. That is so hard for me. I used to care so much about the material things. I don't even care at all now. I just want to be the man that she deserves. I want our love and life back.
Like I said at the beginning, sorry for rambling on so long. Thank you all for reading if you made it this far. I just wanted to get my story out. Any advice is welcome.
I met my wife online about 8 years ago. It was a very strange way to meet, we met on social media; and neither of us even knew how we became friends. We were instantly both just so excited to talk to each other. We chatted for awhile, then we took it to the next level and started talking on the phone.
We were separated by about 2,000 miles. I flew out to visit her after about 6 months of chatting. We were both definitely in love with one another.
After several trips of visiting her, I realized I had a decision to make. The decision was very easy. I left all of my loving family and friends to move and be with her.
We decided to get married six years ago. We always talked about how we would always be together no matter what. The only issue we could have possibly seen was my drinking. I always had a drinking problem; not the drink every day type. The once I get a couple of drinks in me, I can't stop type. I also developed a violent anger issue. I would throw things, break things, etc. Both of those, so I thought, were my demons. I only looked at how they both hurt me to deal with. Whilst drinking, I would verbally attack her. I have threatened to take my life whilst drunk. I grabbed her and yanked her out of her car whilst blacked out. I knew that I needed to stop drinking, but it just wasn't that easy for me. I would justify things by saying "ah I'll only drink on Fridays" or "I've never hit her or anything. I'd never do that." I think what affected her most was the verbal abuse. I often wouldn't even remember what I said to her.
Most of the times were good times. I would have an outburst of anger, and throw something or curse and yell. I honestly didn't see how that was hurting her until she was gone.
She left 2 weeks ago, she had her family move all of her stuff out while I was at work. I couldn't believe it. I knew that I had problems, but she would always fix everything with a smile. People said she was an enabler, but I'm having a hard time accepting that. I can't place any blame on her.
After she left, I went to my home state for 5 days or so. I just couldn't stay and deal with it. I was completely crushed. I'd go through phases where I was crushed because she was gone, then completely destroyed because I finally realized what I was doing to her. How could I have done those things to the person that I love so much? I saw that it was hurting her, but I was able to block out how much it was hurting her.
Throughout this, we have stayed in communication, but very light and cold. I of course started begging her to take me back, I will change, all that nonsense. There was always hope. She said that we needed to work on ourselves, but who knows what the future will bring. When I got back from my home state, I heard from one of her family members that she was "moving on". I called her, and she didn't answer. She called me right back. I asked "why have I heard from your family member that you are moving on?" She said "I tried to tell you that". So, then back to my old ways, I pressured her into saying that she wants a divorce. I was emotional and she was emotional. I told her that I would accept that if I couldn't make her happy, I love her and I want happiness for her.
The next day, I found a card that she had written to me two years prior. It explained how happy she was and how lucky she was to have me as a husband. I then knew that I couldn't just give up.
Now, for our current situation. She is being very cold and I understand that. I was supposed to protect her heart, not damage and callus it. The only thing I wish from her is that she would have sat down and told me how she feels, with a very serious tone. She didn't owe me that. Anyways, all she will talk to me about is finances and how we are going to split the bills. I am staying at our house, she is not.
I am proud to say that I have been sober through this. It has been the hardest time in my life, and I'm proud that I haven't given in to drinking. I've promised a lot of people in my life that I would stop drinking. This is the first time I have promised myself. I decided to reach out to the Lord because I was so lost. It's kind of ironic, because I always would kind of poke fun at people that turned to God in time of weakness. I realize now that was the devil using me as a vehicle. All of the negative things I've done are, really, Satan working through me. Even through all of this, the Lord was able to forgive me and still accept me. That is amazing!
I was baptized for the first time today. I've always believed in God, but I've never submit myself to him. I wasn't living life according to the word. I've decided to try as hard as I can to sit back and let him take over. I want to really focus on my relationship with him. Focus on bettering myself for me, because I'm tired of messing up my life this way. After reading what the Lord thinks about divorce, I have faith that I will get an opportunity to reconcile. If not, I have her to thank for building my relationship with the Lord.
I really do not know what to say to her, if anything. I'm really struggling with that, because I don't want to lose her. I can't imagine life without her. She seems like she is completely done with me. She wants to sell the house, and split everything. That is so hard for me. I used to care so much about the material things. I don't even care at all now. I just want to be the man that she deserves. I want our love and life back.
Like I said at the beginning, sorry for rambling on so long. Thank you all for reading if you made it this far. I just wanted to get my story out. Any advice is welcome.
