is staying married just for the kids sake good or bad?

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lilli

Guest
#1
#1
My husband and I have been together for 12 years and have been married for 10 years. All throughout our marriage, he has struggled with addictions dealing with drugs, alcohol and pornography. We have spoken to several counselors and all have stated that he has an impulsive behavior. He isn't really addicted to these things, but he doesn't think of the consequences when this happens. I've separated from him a couple times with the kids about 6 years ago, but no more than a month at the latest. I always felt a pull back to him like God wanted me there. He has been good the past 6+ months, but unfortunately things have been going downhill the past couple weeks and I noticed he has been looking at porn again. Usually he does view it when he is stressed, but I'm to the point now to where...looking back the past 12 years....I see hardly any sign of him truly loving me and doing things for me. There was a point about 4 years ago to where we were thinking about divorcing b/c he stated...after I asked him to be honest....that he doesn't think he has really been in love with me. That he doesn't know how to be in love with someone bc he never has. Obviously, that hurt!! We spoke with friends and counselors afterwards and tried to make it work, but from being in the same situation again, I don't think he ever found that love to give me. He is a great man and I love him with all my heart, but I need to know what would be the best decision for us as a couple and as individuals. I never want our girls to experience a divorce b/c they truly love us deeply. My husband and I get along great, but we seem more like best friends than husband and wife. Any advice would be great?
 
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loveandpeace99

Guest
#2
#2
Is your husband a Christian man? If your kids are your top priority, do it for the kids. But in all honesty, do what makes you happy. Never give up on those who you love. Even if they keep making the same mistakes. Guide him... Pray.
 
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lilli

Guest
#3
#3
yes. he is a Christian man. he is actually a deacon at the church. I just find it so frustrating that he would want to take that role, but no live by the guidelines. same with the role as a husband.
 
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loveandpeace99

Guest
#4
#4
He is conflicted with something. Bored maybe. He does love you, he may just have lost its fire that he once felt when the relationship was young. No man before or after Christ is a saint, and that's a fact.
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Do you guys do anything together? Can be family time, together time, or private time. I don't want to ask too many personal questions, but it pains me to see someone in distress.
 
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lilli

Guest
#5
#5
loveandpeace99 said:
He is conflicted with something. Bored maybe. He does love you, he may just have lost its fire that he once felt when the relationship was young. No man before or after Christ is a saint, and that's a fact.
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Do you guys do anything together? Can be family time, together time, or private time. I don't want to ask too many personal questions, but it pains me to see someone in distress.
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I try to get things together. But the stuff I want to do, he doesn't want to do. There really isn't a compromise. We always do what he wants which is usually just eating and then going home. I understand what ur saying about the flame burning down. Looking back when we first were dating, it was still what he wanted. I didn't let things bother me then bc I was used to being the one that went along with whatever. I just want that love that conquers and can withstand all. I want that for me. I think I've been allowing things to happen for too long and I don't know what to do now. They tend to reappear.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#6
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#6
lilli said:
I see hardly any sign of him truly loving me and doing things for me. ....that he doesn't think he has really been in love with me. He is a great man and I love him with all my heart, My husband and I get along great, but we seem more like best friends than husband and wife. Any advice would be great?
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What do you want him to do for you? Do you think doing things for you demonstrates love? Women often associate love with what they can get, but maybe he's just tired of giving? Its a lot of work when someone becomes a chore, waiting on them and constantly giving, giving, and giving some more becomes more of a job than a marriage. If you get along great and are best friends, that's 90% of it.. I'd lighten-up and stop expecting/demanding him to prove himself. Things wax cold after 10 years, the lovey-dovey stuff wears off, but it doesn't mean the love is gone, its just different. It just sounds like you want to feel appreciated more, like in the beginning? He's probably questioning if that's all love is, it can seem somewhat superficial to a guy when love is defined by sending some flowers on Valentines Day, but sometimes all a woman needs is a little reassurance.. jmo
 
nzlotrfan

nzlotrfan

Member
#7
Oct 8, 2013
70
3
8
Auckland, New Zealand
#7
Just as an idea, have you and your husband watched the movie Fireproof? If not, I highly recommend you both watch it with some friends together. A very encouraging movie which speaks to a situation such as yours.
 
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lilli

Guest
#8
#8
nzlotrfan said:
Just as an idea, have you and your husband watched the movie Fireproof? If not, I highly recommend you both watch it with some friends together. A very encouraging movie which speaks to a situation such as yours.
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We have. He loves all those movies. I just believe his walk with God isn't there. He lets his business and problems consume him and tends to steer away from God instead of going towards Him. That's when everything goes downhill. My thing is...can u be truly in love with someone, but continue to do the same things that hurt that person. I understand that's our selfish side, but what happens when it truly has always been there.
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#9
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#9
Lilli, is he still addicted to drugs and alcohol?
 
Tommy379

Tommy379

Notorious Member
#10
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,151
113
#10
The goal in life is not necessarily to be happy, but to be Holy.
 
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lilli

Guest
#11
#11
No. Just the pornography. I don't know if it's an addiction. I know it's his go-to when he is stressed.
 
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lilli

Guest
#12
#12
Does happiness not come from being holy though?
 
Tommy379

Tommy379

Notorious Member
#13
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,151
113
#13
Maybe, But you should work on being Holy.
 
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BurlyCarl

Guest
#14
#14
Anyone can be forgiven. Watching Porn when married it Adultery. Drugs and kids involved. I can say a lot on this. What really needs to happen. When is he going to get serious about God, you and the children?

He told you he is not in love with you or he is thinking that. Relationships and Marriage is not guaranteed. Death, change of heart, cheating and this list goes on and on. I or anyone else here can not make this decision for you to leave him. This is simply abuse. You are allowing it to happen. You are participating.

Should you stay with him for the Children? NO. Look at everything. It has irresponsible written all over it. What you would be doing if you left him for good? You would be teaching your children that you loved yourself enough to not be abused anymore. They will respect your decession in the long run. To not allow someone to use you like a doormat. When the right man takes over they will see you happy. They will say mom went for what she wanted and that was someone who will respect her and truly love her. I want someone like that. They watch everything and hear everything. You are their teacher. Set the pace.

Love yourself enough to say no more. Show your kids you respect and love yourself enough to say enough.

I dont sponsor divorce. Adultery comes in many forms other than physical touch. I definitely would be tired of the ups and downs of it. Its your choice. I would ask a Christian counselor and tell them everything. No shame. Move in the direction of where your happiness is. Next to God, get moving.
 
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Depleted

Guest
#15
#15
lilli said:
My husband and I have been together for 12 years and have been married for 10 years. All throughout our marriage, he has struggled with addictions dealing with drugs, alcohol and pornography. We have spoken to several counselors and all have stated that he has an impulsive behavior. He isn't really addicted to these things, but he doesn't think of the consequences when this happens. I've separated from him a couple times with the kids about 6 years ago, but no more than a month at the latest. I always felt a pull back to him like God wanted me there. He has been good the past 6+ months, but unfortunately things have been going downhill the past couple weeks and I noticed he has been looking at porn again. Usually he does view it when he is stressed, but I'm to the point now to where...looking back the past 12 years....I see hardly any sign of him truly loving me and doing things for me. There was a point about 4 years ago to where we were thinking about divorcing b/c he stated...after I asked him to be honest....that he doesn't think he has really been in love with me. That he doesn't know how to be in love with someone bc he never has. Obviously, that hurt!! We spoke with friends and counselors afterwards and tried to make it work, but from being in the same situation again, I don't think he ever found that love to give me. He is a great man and I love him with all my heart, but I need to know what would be the best decision for us as a couple and as individuals. I never want our girls to experience a divorce b/c they truly love us deeply. My husband and I get along great, but we seem more like best friends than husband and wife. Any advice would be great?
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He's an addict in your mind, despite being told, more than once by counselors, that he's not.

He has pulled away from you after you left him twice. (Did you tell him you were leaving "but no more than a month at the latest"? Because usually when a spouse leaves the one left behind is devastated.)

He's been with you for 12 years but doesn't know what it's like to be in love. I'm wondering if he knows what it's like to be loved. And does he know what it's like to love. "In love?" To me that's that gobsmack of high emotional levels in a new relationship that drove me nuts enough I'm glad it wore off. As for loving? Hubby knows what it's like because I give it to him. And I know what it's like because he gives it to me. Love is doing whatever is needed for the person we love without keeping track of wins and losses.

You've taken his losses as your wins. You've been to enough counselors and friends already. (Have you checked to see if that's an impulse control problem too?) You're married to your best friend, but you're still seeking divorce. And now you're blaming your indecision on the kids. (They went with you when you left him, so they've been in limbo waiting for the ax to fall for six years now.) God pulled you back, but that's not enough of an answer either. I think you already made your decision a while ago, but you want others to tell you that you're doing the right thing.

Pretty bad when you join a site to get strangers to tell you that. Will it be enough if you get it? Why do you want more advice when you've had mounds of it already?

Do you know what God's word says for this one?
 
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Depleted

Guest
#16
#16
Fenner said:
Lilli, is he still addicted to drugs and alcohol?
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He never was addicted to them. Got that from more than one counselor. In today's jargon, that's called "recreational user."
 
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Depleted

Guest
#17
#17
lilli said:
Does happiness not come from being holy though?
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Happiness comes from doing God's will. God's will is to love him completely and others as yourself.

Holy is perfect/pure.
 
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Depleted

Guest
#18
#18
One thing for sure. If you were looking for permission from strangers to leave him, you got plenty of that.
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#19
#19
lilli said:
We have. He loves all those movies. I just believe his walk with God isn't there. He lets his business and problems consume him and tends to steer away from God instead of going towards Him. That's when everything goes downhill. My thing is...can u be truly in love with someone, but continue to do the same things that hurt that person. I understand that's our selfish side, but what happens when it truly has always been there.
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He is the same guy you married from the sound of it. Perhaps you should focus more on your walk with God instead of his.

Until we remove the log in our own eyes, we can't truly help others remove the speck in theirs.

I don't know you, nor will I pretend to. However, I know that I have had unresolved issues that I had to deal with before I could truly love my husband as God wanted me to.

God doesn't say love them only if they make you happy and feel good. That isn't the type of love God gives us and isn't the type of love He expects us to have in our marriages.

Learn how God loves and then you can love your husband in that manner. Only then will you truly see a change in your life and your relationships with others.
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#20
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#20
Stay married for the Lord's sake.

I would have difficulty finding enough evidence to ever convict your husband of being a Christian.

It is more than just a name.

I suggest he resign from being a deacon. He does not meet the biblical standards established by Paul to Timothy.

He would be best served by no longer pretending to be a Christian and resolve his heart issue before the Lord. Best before it's too late.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
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