WANTED: boyfriend advice

yellowhearts · Apr 7, 2010

my boyfriend and i have been dating for just over a year now. the other day i went on his computer and found a bunch of porn websites in his history from the past two days. he said that he used to look at these girls a lot before we started dating, but that he hasnt since(until now). he said he was sorry and if he had the choice of doing again he wouldn't.
I feel incredibly hurt by this. In a way, porn is a form of cheating(or at least thats how i feel). he promised he would never do it again, but i feel like he has already betrayed my trust. Ever since i found it, i have felt so ugly and just hurt. "HURT" is the word that keeps coming up whenever i think about him. Im hurt that he didn't think that im pretty enough. how can i feel comfortable around him anymore if i feel like he is comparing me to those girls? Aren't relationships supposed to be between two people? and what should happen if someone violates that rule? should a break up automatic? where's the loyalty if he's looking at other girls?
He said it was a stupid mistake and that he loves me. I have always said that if anyone ever cheated on me i would dump him in a heartbeat. I feel like he cheated on me and i can tell he is sorry but still... I just hurts me so bad. i dont know what to do...
Any advice?

Vidy · Apr 7, 2010

I can tell you that it is NOT that he didn't think you're pretty enough. It's just that he's not getting any "action" (and it is good that he's not), and is using porn as an outlet for that. I'm not saying it's right, but it definitely isn't the same level as cheating ~_o

I say monitor him, help him, give him a chance =)

artistic_dreams · Apr 8, 2010

well i say porn is definitely a no no... but you have to decide now as to whether you want to work it out w/him again or not..its going to take time to build the trust again...and i agree if you are in a relationship there should be no pornography. it is a form of cheating. if the person cant keep their eyes on the one they claim to love then they need to reevaluate the relationship. see if he will go into counseling w/ur pastor if ur interested in doing so to try and work it out...blessings

raf · Apr 8, 2010

he might just be looking at it because hes bored, I really dont think hes comparing you too pornstars lol who does that? Well I hope noone does that.

nobadee · Apr 8, 2010

It seems to me that you might be overreacting just a tad...

He stated that he was looking at porn before you were together. If you were the type to actually trust someone you would have just let it go and moved on.

Then you moved to the notion that he wanted to be with you because you reminded him of his beloved porn.

No guy in his right mind would compare a woman they would want to be in a relationship with, to a porn star. They are dirty depressed users and have no morals.

I haven't ever met someone who hasn't seen porn at least once, on the computer, in a magazine, a trashy romance novel or on the TV. You would have to try very hard to miss any these days. A lot of people tend to get swept up into it when they are lonely; due to those wild urges they have building up inside of them and the fact that it's so easily accessible.

If he said he was done with it all and deleted it, then you should just accept what he said as truth and move on. If you can't get past little things like this right now without developing trust issues, you are in for a long and bumpy ride.

Are you going to start assuming next that he has a thing for every girl he talks to? That is not a healthy way to go through life; especially in a relationship. Perhaps you need to take a look at the reasons you are having such a hard time with trusting others.

I can't vouch for your boyfriend's claims or whether or not he is a good guy; I'm just going off of what you have stated here.

QuestionTime · Apr 8, 2010

yellowhearts said:

Mark 7:
21For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, 22Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness:
23All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.

It's not because you aren't pretty. A man addicted to porn looks at one woman online for about 10 minutes, gets bored with her and then looks at another, another and then another. Lust can never be satisfied, so it always needs a new woman to look at to keep the excitement going. Even the hottest woman on planet earth he'd look at for 10-15 minutes and get bored with, so don't take it personal.

Breaking up with him is probably a good idea. If he loved you he wouldn't ask for a relationship with you until he is solid in his walk. Why would a man want to marry you and possibly cause you that kind of grief? You both need to be grounded in God before bothering to marry.

I'm sure that he does have feelings for you, but those feelings will wear away over time if he keeps looking at other women. Trust me, I know what I am talking about, because I have been through all of this myself. The woman I fell head over heels in love with at 18, I thought I would love forever. But the porn killed my feelings for her, because it's cheating.

Quest

QuestionTime · Apr 8, 2010

Vidy said:

Your statement is incorrect. Men that are addicted to porn will at times prefer porn to their wives; when they are looking for "action."

Quest

artistic_dreams · Apr 8, 2010

nobadee said:

wait a minute....hold up...how is she over reacting???? no where in her statement does it say he compares her to his beloved porn...she got on the pc and come to find out there were porn sites that had been accessed...and it wasnt done by her...he confessed to doing so....in her eyes its a form of cheating....so in her eyes she is obvious not over reacting and shes very hurt.....yes he says he apologized and wont do it again.....but the trust has been seriously broken and its going to take more then one day and alot more time to get over it as you put it....your insensitivity was surely not cool here....shes surelly entitled to be royally peeved......

and sweety if i were you ........after reading what quest put.....maybe you should consider tossing the fool to the curb.....because if you cant trust him then the relationship cant work...and you most certainly deserve better.....blessings to you.....

QuestionTime · Apr 8, 2010

Until our love for God is perfect, we ought not to concern ourselves with boyfriends and girlfriends. We will never have a happy marriage until God gives us His power:

Acts 1:8 (King James Version)
8But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.

1 John 4:18 (King James Version)
18There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

Quest

Dread_Zeppelin · Apr 8, 2010

I'm trying not to be crude here but honest.

I was a little surprised that you made this about you. You have to realize that porn addiction is a problem with the person doing it and has nothing to do with you personally. The fact that you dont feel "attractive" enough isn't at all what porn is about. He gets stimulation out of looking at women that aren't "real" in his life and will do sexual things- things you're not going to do. You aren't married so your sexual relationship hasn't been formed to destroy. Honestly would you rather him think of you when he's pleasing himself? I'd feel more disrespected in that sense. I'm not saying this is right by any means but the alternative is to make you into a cheap fantasy.

Porn addiction is like drugs. Just when you think you're over it you get the urge and you binge on it. The fact that he didn't tell you is probably because he was ashamed. If he's asking forgiveness you should give it to him and start a system where he's required to show you the history on his computer if you ask for it. This will build up your trust again and discourage this habit.

Also you should ask him to say something to you when he feels like he's going to do it again. You could pray together. Enable him the tools to get over this sin and not harbor resentment.

yellowhearts · Apr 9, 2010

WOW! i'd like to give a big THANK YOU to everyone! you all helped me make a decision. i thought i'd let you know what happened.

So... to make a long story short... we talked about it A LOT! i had my heart set on breaking up, but instead i just told him that i needed some more time to myself to think about things. So the next day or so we had the same class so we went back to my dorm after and talked even more! I decided to give him a second chance. I had a hard time just throwing our entire relationship away just like that. everyone deserves a second chance. I made it very clear, though, that looking at that crap is completely unexceptable. he said that he would never do it again because he loves me too much to let me go over something so cheap and unnessessary. The thought of losing me scared him pretty bad so i believe him when he says he'll never do it again.

The main reason i'm giving him a second chance is because Jesus gave me a second chance, and I could only wish that looking at porn was the only sin i had against Him. I have sinned in so many ways. So has everyone. If Jesus can forgive me for EVERYTHING I've done then i should be able to forgive my boyfriend. i know i haven't even gotten close to 7x70, but I am trying. (However, dont think for one second that im going to be pushed around and taken advantage of just because im trying to forgive.) my boyfriend knows that if it happens again then i will have to let him go.

All of you told me not to take in personal, and that he is not comparing me in any way. even my boyfriend said that. so im trying to believe that, but i dont think i will ever understand how it's just " something to do". My boyfriend said that his love for me is to great to ever hurt me like that again. I thank God that He has blessed me with such a wonderful boyfriend. i know you really only heard a huge negative thing about him but he really is a wonderful, sweet guy who treats me very well. we have been getting along for a whole day and a half now.

Thank you all so so so much! I also thank God so so so much! you are great!

Vidy · Apr 10, 2010

I don't mean to burst your bubble, but it is almost guaranteed that he will do it again. In fact, since you've threatened to break up with him, he'll probably, somewhere along the line, do it again. However, out of fear, shame, and past experiences, he will just delete the history and you'll never know.

As stated to someone before, just allow him to be more open with it. Don't declare an ultimatum on it- HELPING him means he has to be able to come to you if he has any more thoughts about it, or even if he does it again. I know it'll be hard, but this kind of productive trust is good for a relationship anyway.

And if I have this dude wrong and he won't do it again, then you ARE indeed very blessed ^_^

pinkie · Apr 10, 2010

sweetie. after reading all of the messages my heart goes out to you. i am in a broken marriage after 5 and a half years of being with someone who promised me time and time again that hed stopped looking at porn and going to strip clubs. he even promised me on his life. many many times....my advice to you would be to get out now while you can. this is not just about forgiveness. forgive by all means. yes we are all sinners and we are forgiven by God and so must forgive others. but to continue a relationship with someone already cheating in his heart with you is very different to forgiving him and then living your best life for God. marriage comes along with many troubles as it is. as states paul. so to enter into a committed relationship and later maybe even a marriage to someone that already has this addiction seems to me like a negative decision... when there are soo many other guys out in the world who may not do this kind of thing. it is not about you. nor is it about what he is missing sexually with you. pornography is the reason that 2 thirds of marriages end in divorce. its a big struggle for men. it breaks trust and hearts and many families. it is the problem of the person. as do other addictions...it enables the person to escape reality and the facing of issues. like any drug it gives them a high. but like the guy said before...they need more and more of it to get by. i know my ex now feels alone and seperated from his relationship with God because he has continually lied and sinned in the area of sexual immorality for many years. and even after a lie detector test he is still trying to lie his way out of his sin. you have a chance right now before marriage and children come into the picture to get out while you can. marriage is very special and needs a great deal of trust.and if that is already broken.....my heart and minds advice to you would be to forgive, learn from it and move on. im sorry for the unkind things one person wrote...and as for feeling disrespected if your boyfriend fantasizes about you when he is pleaseing himself which is what a girl wrote to you......why would someone not want their future husband and love partner to think about them sexually when excited? i think it would be very disrespecting to think of.. someone else. dont you? love and blessings.

HumbleSaint · Apr 10, 2010

I'm going to have to agree with questiontime's earlier statement were he stated that lust can never be satisfied. I came out of a 10 year porn addiction and let me tell you that is probably the hardest thing I ever broke loose from. And I wouldn't have been able to do it without the Lord Jesus Christ. I kept on having to go to worse and worse situations to satisfy the demons in me. I just couldn't brake loose form it. So all I'm saying is just because your boyfriend says he is sorry don't mean he is not going to do it again.I have seen it destroy the lives of different men. I still have temptations, but this time I feel the Lord giving me strength to resist.

pinkie · Apr 10, 2010

hi i think its great that you shared your story with this young lady. respect to you.

QuestionTime said:

Mark 7:
21For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, 22Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness:
23All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.

It's not because you aren't pretty. A man addicted to porn looks at one woman online for about 10 minutes, gets bored with her and then looks at another, another and then another. Lust can never be satisfied, so it always needs a new woman to look at to keep the excitement going. Even the hottest woman on planet earth he'd look at for 10-15 minutes and get bored with, so don't take it personal.

Breaking up with him is probably a good idea. If he loved you he wouldn't ask for a relationship with you until he is solid in his walk. Why would a man want to marry you and possibly cause you that kind of grief? You both need to be grounded in God before bothering to marry.

I'm sure that he does have feelings for you, but those feelings will wear away over time if he keeps looking at other women. Trust me, I know what I am talking about, because I have been through all of this myself. The woman I fell head over heels in love with at 18, I thought I would love forever. But the porn killed my feelings for her, because it's cheating.

Quest

MahogonySnail · Apr 10, 2010

Guys will look. It's normal. I've known married 50 year olds to be flipping through women's magazines, and it's not because they're interested in the sob stories. It's a plus he's not looking at gay mags.

kiwi_OT · Apr 10, 2010

I think its very sad, that because porn is so prevalent and common in our culture that men (including some women as well) think its absolutely normal to just flip through a magazine or justify themselves if they 'accidently' came across a movie every now and then. That is how horrible addictions start, just by casually doing it and not taking its affects seriously. That is what Satan wants us to think, and it is especially harmful to Christian men (and women) who are trying to stay celibate til marriage but still (like most men do) struggle with visual imagery.

MahogonySnail · Apr 10, 2010

They're not married just dating so technically he cannot "cheat". He is considering other options.

QuestionTime · Apr 10, 2010

Vidy said:

Yep, I agree. Either you stick with this man for life - through the good and the bad - or you let him go. If you marry him then it's your God given duty to help him with this problem - if it is a problem. I suppose we don't know how serious this is (addictive or not). It may not be an addiction for him, it may be.

But if you commit to him you must be willing to stick with him and help him through this. It's "for better or for worse" as they say.

Quest

Kuroko · Apr 11, 2010

Kudos to Questiontime and to Humblesaint.

For the other guys who have posted here, lets just admit it's hard not to look at porn.
Yellow, I want to tell you a story about one of my ex-girlfriends (actually this applies to both my my ex's but one in particular) she told me there were three things she hated most in the world and she never wanted me to do it.

1) cheat on her (obviously)
2) Lie to her
3) tell her she looked like her mum (ok this was the one I had to find out myself the hard way but for the sake of the story I'm putting it in here)

I started telling her things honestly and telling her my reasons for the things I did or didn't do, instead of appreciating me telling her the truth we would get into arguments about them and I would find myself stuck even in circumstances where I couldn't do a lot to change the outcomes. It became a strain on our relationship when I told her the truth about things that were beyond my control and we would argue about those things constantly until I proved I couldn't control the circumstances, now none of this is related to porn, or obviously cheating but the reality is I started lying to her at certain times to keep the peace. I kept it only to those times when I knew there would be an argument but inside it ate me away as a person, now every one is different and not everyone shares a similar moral backbone as myself but I think it's important that you understand what honesty means to a guy.

If you want to give him a second chance try to be clear with him, you don't want him to have to hide things from you (don't you want to share yourselves 100% anyway?). Ask him why he looks at porn, understand his reasons for it..

For every one here who's looked at porn again lets be clear, lust is one of those reasons but the very nature of lust is to want. I know this, this is clear to me. What I'm asking Yellow to do is to ask him what he wants. Reality is how honest he is to you there will determine how the relationship ends up going.

He can only give you one of two answers, one will be he wants something you can fulfill yourself and the other will be an answer where you yourself cannot fulfill what he wants. Both are lusts essentially but the important difference is commitment to you.

Unfortunately as the other guys said it themselves some one addicted to looking at porn doesn't usually stop, it's as much a habit as it is any thing else. If the reason for him wanting to look at it still exists then likely he will continue looking at it. A word of warning, "Action" does not satiate the lust that porn feeds so be careful not to fall into the trap that doing anything extra will help alleviate anything.

It's a very physical and carnal desire and I wish there were something I could compare it to where you might understand it a little easier but I have struggled to come up with anything that might actually work in a direct example (I thought of girl and shoes, smoking though I've never smoked and even eating but none of them fit even remotely what I would be trying to describe).
Unless you yourself have looked at guys and found them attractive you wouldn't understand why guys do it, what I can tell you for certain is that just like the attraction the lust is entirely physical as well.

Nothing says he doesn't love you with his heart, but that being said nothing says he loves you entirely with his heart either and THAT is the most important question you need to find out.

So again, don't make him commit to what he can't, and try to understand why he does what he does.

Guys, I'm being as honest here as I can be (I'm talking to all the other guys who have posted here).

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