Looking for prayer for my marriage

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J

JC78

Guest
#1
#1
Hello all
My name is Joshua my wife is named Sara
We will be married 8 years Sept 4th granted we hold together by the grace of GOD. Today ends the 3rd week of one of the biggest storms of my life, even my wife says things this go around are way worse than they have ever been. I had became a toxic mean person in our home prior to this eruption of hurt 3 weeks ago. I would yell and cuss at her or the kids when mad, I was lost from GOD and was a poor excuse of a husband. Even as I write you I cry. The other day My wife came buy to get some money at my work. I didn't say I love you as that makes her mad. I did however tell her how beautiful she looked today. And how beautiful her eyes where. She didn't fuss she actually smiled at me. I don't know why I feel so devastated. We talk almost every night. When she and I are off work. I hate feeling hopeless, after all she is still there, it's her home. We sleep in the same bed. I know she cares about me as I do her. I don't feel she is 100℅ out of love with me. I think for the most part she has walked me off from her heart. She is protecting herself from further hurt. Unlike my first Marriage Sara has never cheated on me. But they both said the painful (I'm not in love with you). My ex wife I don't think truly loved me anyhow but that's the past.
Sara has always been my comfort knowing my home was secure. I'm am trusting GOD that Sara just needs to see his truth and have time to mend her heart, to see it's GOD in me. That I do want to change. Like I told her if she would have spoken up years ago and would have got my attention and talked to me, I would have tried then to change before it went this far. I told her last night she needs to communicate when things are wrong.

Like I've told my wife, this has opened my eyes to all the heart aches and hurt I have caused her. I broke her trust not by being unfaithful though. Just knowing how lonely I feel I side, how she has felt for years. How broken I made her feel how unappreciated. As I told her God has truly opens my eyes and heart. I told her I was sorry and how deeply I love her. I told her I can't promise that I will never make her mad or hurt her feelings, but I will not ignore when she ask me something or when I have did wrong. I told her I would spend the rest of my days on the earth showing her her value as my wife and companion
I also told her I was wrong to make her feel it was her job to clean to cook to serve and wait on me day in and day out, and me do noting in turn. I know a home is 50/50. I told her I will do all I can to better our home. To respect and adore her. I love her she feels I don't trust her. How did she deal with all that hurt, she slowly closed off her heart to me she pushed me away little by little, our love life faded sex was a chore for her. She said she never meet someone that was as excuse the term horny as I can be. I love my wife I love her body I crave that intimacy, even now I just wont to be close to her. Another issue, I have nearly no Christian friends no support no one to talk to.So when we talk it all spills out. I just wish she knew how open my eyes where and how true to GOD I feel all that hurt. Even over these going on 2 weeks cant begin to touch the years of hurt she endured. I don't wont to loose my family, She gets mad if I say I love you, its hard to not say it, I just have to let her see it, I know often words are shallow, that the heart speaks louder than words. She allowed me to give her a back rub, that was better than any sex just showing her love. In the middle of talking we hit a many areas of our marriage and all the sudden she looked like she wanted to cry, she suddenly said (OK lets not talk about this anymore) I don't know what that was about, unless I was chipping away some of the hurt. Sara said she was scared to be hurt again, And I hurt her deeply. She needs healing from GOD. She said she missed the old fun me, I work 6 days a week to make ends meat. She said she is and always has been scared to be alone. I ask her to at least respect me enough that when she knows in her heart of hearts if we are no more to tell me. Maybe that is stupid to say. I feel if she could find that internal peace she would allow me back in. We have both hurt one another in various ways. I forgive her 100% 1,000,000 times over. I have not been able to kiss her in over a month. I just wish she would hug me or hold me. We have not made love in near 2 months, I don't even try because she is not desiring me. I don't just want sex its not about sex you can get sex anywhere I want that bond that closeness with my wife.That is not that important though, I want back in her heart. I know healing takes time just like in the start of me and Sara she grew to love me. I ask myself why, why is she still here, why. She has to have some kind of hope something.
I pray for her every day as I hope some of you will do. She is resisting forgiving me and chooses anger over love. I am at a loss clinging to GOD to save my family and marriage. We have combined 5 kids 3 at home with us of the 5. Please pray for us

This is where I find my heart 3 weeks later

Everyday is a choice, will you choose to love someone, or will you choose to be angry. Forgiveness is a choice, will you forgive? Pride will drag you down, be willing to admit you have faults, be happy with who you are but don't be consumed by pride. You can't make someone love you, as well as someone cant make you stop loving them. Trust is a gift, and when broken it takes time to rebuild, Trust comes with love and forgiveness. Fear, fear of hurt, fear of the unknown, fear of past actions. Don't let FEAR rule your ability to move forward in life. Life is like driving a car (You cant move forward if you are always looking in the rear-view mirror, Sure it may work for a bit but sooner or later you will crash.) You cant live life off of (What IF), what if this what if that. Be thankful for TODAY, make the best of TODAY, stop living in yesterday.
Its a fault of each of us a humans, let the past go, that's not saying forget it but let it go, don't be ruled by your past. Don't be scared to forgive someone, don't be scared to love someone. If you have someone who loves you no matter what fell blessed. Don't look for things to be angry about, Anger carries hurt. If you love someone don't be scared to tell them, don't hold grudges. Always remember you may not get to tell that person again how much you care.
If you love someone don't give up!! Don't just throw in the towel and walk away, you have to fight for what you love, fight for your family. It will be hard some days will hurt more than others, some days will hurt less. Just don't give up!!! In the end love conquers all. Be of strong faith, Fallow GOD no matter what trial you are in, where one door closes another opens. Pray for those who wronged you, forgive them, love them.
DON'T GIVE UP!! DON'T GIVE IN TO FEAR!! DON'T LET GO OF GOD!! FORGIVENESS IS THE KEY!!!!
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
Sounds to me as though you had an abusive cycle going on with her. One thing about victims of abuse, don't expect them to just get over things. Abuse of any kind is damaging in many ways and has long term effects. The fear, anger, bitterness, resentment, mistrust, etc... can take years to get past. Often times these feelings carry on outside of the marriage as well, even if the abuse ends.
If you really want her back, stop spending time talking, and start proving to her that you have had a genuine change of heart. Be patient, give her time and give her some space. She probably doesn't trust that you have made a real change, and you've likely given her good reason for that, from past behavior. It's going to take a while before she starts to think you may be sincere.
So don't push her to be intimate, don't push her to get past things, don't push her at all. Back off, give her room to breath, to think. Let your actions speak for themselves, instead of you trying to always convince her, or trying to 'act normal' as if you were in a good marriage.
For now, instead of looking to compliment her, which to her probably sounds like hallow flattery, just make yourself open to her. The more you push for things to be normal again, the more you push for sex, or closeness, the more you push for fixing your marriage, the more she will feel pressured and overwhelmed and it will backfire on you. Just start treating her like a human being, and not like a project that needs to be fixed. Help her around the house without her asking. Do things, sometimes, that are not directly romantic, such as if she's out, then start dinner. A normal dinner, not a romantic dinner. If you have kids, and it's time for their bed, put them to bed. Things like that.
But the biggest thing is consistency. The more you waiver back and forth between being nice and blowing up, the worse you will look. If you have a problem in that area then go get some counseling to help you deal with it. Not marital counseling, but YOU counseling. Heal yourself before you expect her to heal or your marriage to heal. You are the husband it is your job to not only lead, but lead by example. The best leaders are not those that know how to bark commands, but those that set the example themselves. This inspires and builds trust.

But at least you are off to a right start. Owning up to your own behavior is the key to any kind of change. Just be patient.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#3
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#3
In the end, GOD'S love conquers all. Human love often falls short. Sometimes it's best to stay and fight IF both parties are willing to work at it. But if your fight is one-sided, then sometimes it's best to stop beating a dead horse and walk away. In your situation, it sounds like the two of you need to sit down and talk out your issues, even if it does hurt and is awkward and uncomfortable. That's the ONLY way you can get past all the hurts you've caused each other.
 
J

JC78

Guest
#4
#4
I do help I started doing all this the day after all of this blew up. I do it every day as far as helping and such, I get the kids ready every morning for school. I am working on me every day, I ask for GODS help to be the man I need to be. I am more and more accepting the rejection and starting to deal with it. Its rough seeing my 2nd marriage go to the wayside some days I feel helpless. But I pray for GODS help.
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#5
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#5
Have the two of you seen a marriage counselor? That'd be a good place to start.
 
J

JC78

Guest
#6
#6
I can not walk away from my kids, my marriage. I refuse to give up on Sara, I just seek GODS help daily, I am thankful for each and every day I am granted to have my family. I may not can hug my wife or snuggle to her in bed, but I am still thankful to wake up still beside her in the AM. My wife is genuinely a loving caring woman who loves GOD. She admitted communication was an issue in our marriage in the past, we didn't talk about our problems. As it stands I can walk away from this or leave my family or marriage, I cant give up....
 
J

JC78

Guest
#7
#7
Fenner said:
Have the two of you seen a marriage counselor? That'd be a good place to start.
Click to expand...
She said no she will not go to a marriage counselor, she said they don't work, they try and tell you how to fix it she said they wont just listen.
 
J

JC78

Guest
#8
#8
JC78 said:
I can not walk away from my kids, my marriage. I refuse to give up on Sara, I just seek GODS help daily, I am thankful for each and every day I am granted to have my family. I may not can hug my wife or snuggle to her in bed, but I am still thankful to wake up still beside her in the AM. My wife is genuinely a loving caring woman who loves GOD. She admitted communication was an issue in our marriage in the past, we didn't talk about our problems. As it stands I can walk away from this or leave my family or marriage, I cant give up....
Click to expand...
I can't walk away not can
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#9
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#9
It might be a good idea for you to talk to someone on your own. Maybe they can help you figure things out. Just a suggestion. Or just having someone to talk to help's.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#10
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#10
I don't get why she smiles when you say she's beautiful, but gets mad when you say you love her. If communication is an issue, then you need to do just that: communicate. You NEED to talk about your problems, and stop sweeping them under the rug and ignoring them. Sometimes we need to just step aside and let God accomplish what we cannot achieve. Talk to each other about all your issues, even if it hurts. Or maybe even write each other a letter as well. This marriage needs some of GTLC. :)

*God's Tender Loving Care
 
J

JC78

Guest
#11
#11
blue_ladybug said:
I don't get why she smiles when you say she's beautiful, but gets mad when you say you love her. If communication is an issue, then you need to do just that: communicate. You NEED to talk about your problems, and stop sweeping them under the rug and ignoring them. Sometimes we need to just step aside and let God accomplish what we cannot achieve. Talk to each other about all your issues, even if it hurts. Or maybe even write each other a letter as well. This marriage needs some of GTLC. :)

*God's Tender Loving Care
Click to expand...
Me talking is no issue, that's part what she gets mad about, (We have talked about this over and over for 3 weeks) She says. She has male friends from work, Sunday after church we went to a family reunion that was $12 per person to eat, We had $40, the total for 3 adults and 1 kid $42. I didnt have enough money so I paid for the 3 of them. She thought I was just mad and didnt want to pay $12. Well that was not the case, but she took it as other. So when we got home she went to fill her meds, the pharmacy was 35 min from home. In the process she went to visit one of the male friends from work and stayed 2 hours but didnt bother telling me she was going. Our daughter called to look for Sara 3 hours after she left. So I called her, no answer. I finally got in-touch with her. She said she went to drop off cloths to the guy. But spent 2 hours there, I dont think she is having an affair as to its not her nature. And she insist he is a Friend only I know he has a GF of 8 years also. It hurt my feelings because of our problems, Her reply was (I wanted to do what I wanted to do) and she was all sanrky with me. I ask why she could not have just told me she was going there or just drop them off to him at work Mon morning. It hurt my feelings bad so I got some cloths and went to an uncles house. That did more damage then good. I still have to get my cloths out of my car, I told her I was sorry and she did the same but she is still angry. I said I will unload my truck this weekend her reply was (Why so you can just do it again). Its not like this is a normal or reg thing for me. I take a step forward 10 back
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#12
#12
Which is why i said if you are trying to change, chances are she doesn't believe you and is testing you and pushing you to see if you are sincere or just trying to save face. If you spent years mistreating her, stop expecting her to just get over it because you claim you're changing. Realize that your mistreatment of her caused long term Damage. Everything in my original post still stands.
To continue the good course you've started going down you have to accept that you can't make her understand. You can't make her get over everything. You have to allow her to feel the way she feels and test you. And you can't pressure or coax her into anything. Often times in situations like this there is a role reversal, like a pendulum that swings from one extreme to another. She spent years putting up with you and how you treated her, you can't expect that to just go away. There are consequences to your behavior. Now you're getting a taste of your own medicine. Probably not on purpose, but that's how change sometimes works. Maybe rather than get frustrated and despondent use it as a reminder of what you put her through and use it as a catalyst and further encouragement to change and to keep focus.
 
J

JC78

Guest
#13
#13
I will stall ask yall to pray, My wife had a good dinner cooked when I got in, she had an odd look on her face. I asked whats on her mind, I bit later she said she wanted a divorce, she felt that a divorce was the only way she could forgive me. She said yes I had changed my heart but it may be a week ,a month , it may be thanksgiving or even past Christmas but it would always go back like it was, we have never had it this bad, 6 times she said she wanted a divorce. So Here I am after sitting in my truck all night. I am going to try and make it through this long day to sleep in my truck to be back at work Sat morn, to sleep in my truck some more. Thats not the part that bothers my being homeless, thats nothing. I know GOD will take care of me.
 
B

BurlyCarl

Guest
#14
#14
Go to Marriage counseling. Pray and FIGHT! Your gonna have to rise above it. I know its simple words. You can either sit back and let it happen or save and participate in your own rescue. I will be praying for you and your wife.
 
J

JC78

Guest
#15
#15
She will not go I have been doing counseling on my own, The home is one her family owns, So I had to go. Its in GODS hands now
 
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