How to respond to hurtful words

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Cindy12

Senior Member
Jan 5, 2015
243
11
18
#1
My husband is under a lot of stress at work right now. His boss got fired 4 weeks ago, and my husband is having to do his job and his fired bosses job without any training or help. He's very stressed. Since this has happened, he has been going in work early around 6 in the morning and working through lunch and trying to leave by 6 at night for his own sanity. He and i have gone up to his work on weekends to try to get him caught up or ahead so he won't be so stressed.

I understand this stress, but he's getting to the point where he takes it out on me and it's beginning to sting. I don't know if I am begin overly sensitive or he's being snappy and mean. This morning we both left for work at the same time. I got down the road 5 minutes and I remembered that he forgot to leave some paint out for a contractor who was coming by to work on the house. I called him on his cell phone, and he answered with a sharp tone "WHAT" ... that is exactly what he said as his answer to me calling him. I immediately went on the defense and said, "forget it babe, I'll talk to you later" and hung up the phone.

I know that was the wrong thing to do. I have not apologized for this yet, and he has not called all day and said anything about it and he won't. So, what do I do or say? Nothing at all and leave it alone? Tell him that it upset me the way he shouted at me disrespectfully? Apologize because maybe I am the one being a jerk for not understanding and letting it upset me? I truly don't know what to say or do and want Christian guidance. I got in the car on the way home today from work and just cried. It just really made me sad to think that he could treat me that way and not think anything about it at all --- and then I got mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself!

How do I handle it, or do I not handle it at all and let it go. These mood swings have been going on for 4 weeks and seem to be getting a little worse as the work stress elevates.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
9,581
113
#2
I don't blame you for hanging up on him. I would have too. LOL.. Anyhoo, I think you BOTH need to sit down and talk about how to de-stress your lives. And I think you both need to apologize to each other, him for answering the phone like a jerk, and you for hanging up on him. He may be under alot of stress, but he doesn't need to act like a jack donkey either.
 

Cindy12

Senior Member
Jan 5, 2015
243
11
18
#3
I don't blame you for hanging up on him. I would have too. LOL.. Anyhoo, I think you BOTH need to sit down and talk about how to de-stress your lives. And I think you both need to apologize to each other, him for answering the phone like a jerk, and you for hanging up on him. He may be under alot of stress, but he doesn't need to act like a jack donkey either.
Jack Donkey ... that's a good one. You made me smile after a tough day! :)
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
9,581
113
#4
Jack Donkey ... that's a good one. You made me smile after a tough day! :)

Good. :) I couldn't say jack*** or I'd get banned..lol.. :) But as long as I made you smile, it's all good.. :)
 

Huglife

Senior Member
Aug 15, 2016
2,543
50
48
#5
Nice people! I will keep you in my prayers Cindy
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
113
69
Tennessee
#6
This situation at work is most likely a temporary situation that is going to work its way out, probably to your husband's advantage. Maybe he will be offered his old boss's job and the company will hire someone to take your husband's place. I'm sue that he did not mean to snap at you but he is very on edge driving to work. I believe that the way to handle it is to talk calmly to him each day after he has a chance to unwind. Things will remain stressful for a time before peace comes but it will come.
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
#7
You're probably both at fault (usually that is the case :eek:) but that's not really the point, is it? My mom has always told me "it takes two to make an argument, but YOU are the only one you can change. You are not responsible for the other person's actions. You have to control your own, and apologize when you make mistakes."
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#8
What would happen if he refuses to do His bosses job without the title and pay?

Who do they plan on hiring for the position? Unfortunately, probably not him because companies don't normally mistreat folks like that....I suggest he look for a different job or talk to the supervisor that fired his boss and find out about overtime pay if he is working weekends.
 

mar09

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2014
4,927
1,259
113
#9
My husband is under a lot of stress at work right now. His boss got fired 4 weeks ago, and my husband is having to do his job and his fired bosses job without any training or help. He's very stressed. Since this has happened, he has been going in work early around 6 in the morning and working through lunch and trying to leave by 6 at night for his own sanity. He and i have gone up to his work on weekends to try to get him caught up or ahead so he won't be so stressed.

I understand this stress, but he's getting to the point where he takes it out on me and it's beginning to sting. I don't know if I am begin overly sensitive or he's being snappy and mean. This morning we both left for work at the same time. I got down the road 5 minutes and I remembered that he forgot to leave some paint out for a contractor who was coming by to work on the house. I called him on his cell phone, and he answered with a sharp tone "WHAT" ... that is exactly what he said as his answer to me calling him. I immediately went on the defense and said, "forget it babe, I'll talk to you later" and hung up the phone.

I know that was the wrong thing to do. I have not apologized for this yet, and he has not called all day and said anything about it and he won't. So, what do I do or say? Nothing at all and leave it alone? Tell him that it upset me the way he shouted at me disrespectfully? Apologize because maybe I am the one being a jerk for not understanding and letting it upset me? I truly don't know what to say or do and want Christian guidance. I got in the car on the way home today from work and just cried. It just really made me sad to think that he could treat me that way and not think anything about it at all --- and then I got mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself!

How do I handle it, or do I not handle it at all and let it go. These mood swings have been going on for 4 weeks and seem to be getting a little worse as the work stress elevates.
I can understand the lots of stress at work not just for 4 wks, but months and yrs, altho not continuous... It's normal u dont want to prolong a tense phone call, and he was probably wanting to say sorry too, altho cannot always. I normally didnt use to 'bother' hubby at work when i know theyre busy or he's pressured, wc is a normal tho... but there wre times i just had to text when i needed help or something. Sometimes he replied (often w/ a call), but when he cannot esp as w/ a text msg, i just took it as really busy. He says to call instead of text, but knowing the times he's driving by then in afternoon rush, for example, i'd just try to find other options or solutions instead of bothering again ( if i can).
The others' replies should be helpful. Hope things get fixed at work soon, cindy.
 

santuzza

Senior Member
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#10
Apologize. It's just the right thing to do. He will probably apologize back. But if not, let it go.

I went to a Family Life marriage conference once (a LONG time ago), but I learned one very important phrase: "Your mate is not your enemy." You both need to come together and talk about the stress. Be supportive. Ask him what you can do to make his life easier right now. This probably is a temporary situation, so don't make it a long-term problem. How you act now is going to effect your marriage in the future.

You can do this. You have big shoulders. Mother him a bit. Make his favorite dinner. Do special things for him.

And, you two need to pray together -- every day. I think couples often forget how much power there is in corporate prayer. Remember, whenever two or more are gathered in His name, He is there.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#11
My husband is under a lot of stress at work right now. His boss got fired 4 weeks ago, and my husband is having to do his job and his fired bosses job without any training or help. He's very stressed. Since this has happened, he has been going in work early around 6 in the morning and working through lunch and trying to leave by 6 at night for his own sanity. He and i have gone up to his work on weekends to try to get him caught up or ahead so he won't be so stressed.

I understand this stress, but he's getting to the point where he takes it out on me and it's beginning to sting. I don't know if I am begin overly sensitive or he's being snappy and mean. This morning we both left for work at the same time. I got down the road 5 minutes and I remembered that he forgot to leave some paint out for a contractor who was coming by to work on the house. I called him on his cell phone, and he answered with a sharp tone "WHAT" ... that is exactly what he said as his answer to me calling him. I immediately went on the defense and said, "forget it babe, I'll talk to you later" and hung up the phone.

I know that was the wrong thing to do. I have not apologized for this yet, and he has not called all day and said anything about it and he won't. So, what do I do or say? Nothing at all and leave it alone? Tell him that it upset me the way he shouted at me disrespectfully? Apologize because maybe I am the one being a jerk for not understanding and letting it upset me? I truly don't know what to say or do and want Christian guidance. I got in the car on the way home today from work and just cried. It just really made me sad to think that he could treat me that way and not think anything about it at all --- and then I got mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself!

How do I handle it, or do I not handle it at all and let it go. These mood swings have been going on for 4 weeks and seem to be getting a little worse as the work stress elevates.
I still get hurt, so don't take any of this as how to avoid getting hurt. This is more of how to work it out.

First, realize he is stressed. (Yay! You got that down already, so there is hope.)

Second, realize, at best, his mind was elsewhere when you called. At worst, he could have just been in an accident or almost caused an accident, so there is the possibility his adrenalin was up at that particular moment. (I worked in a ghetto called "The Badlands." There were only two of us women working there and one morning the other women stopped at a stop sign just as a gunfight started. She and her car were right smack in the middle of it. She froze, but folks at the corner bar called for her to run in there, and she did, saving her life. She got to work all kinds of upset and called her hubby... who immediately asked if the car was alright. And, yeah, when she was done, I did have to ask why he didn't ask if she was all right. Got that man straightened up on his priorities in a hurry there, but I knew they were the type of couple who could handle that. lol) But phone calls. You just can't predict what was happening at the moment you called.

Start thinking about him. He's working 60 hours a week and then weekends? Yeah, there should be a bigger word than "stress" for that. I commend you for helping.

Here are some more things that would help. Every phone call made, at best, lowers productivity in half. Let him keep his mind of work related stuff while at work. Do you need to call? I'm not a cell phone person, so five minutes from home would just mean five minutes back to home to make sure the paint was ready. What needs to be painted so badly? Could it have waited until corporate brought in a new guy? His mind is divided with that too.

When we're stressed we go into hunker-down mode. If it doesn't have to be done, it isn't. And there's a lot that doesn't have to be done for months or even years. Dusting doesn't have to be done. Vacuuming doesn't have to be done. Picking up junk does on occasion. Visiting family and friends doesn't have to be done, at least as a couple. Laundry does. Dishes and eating do. Vacations don't have to mean going somewhere. Vacations don't have to happen. Fixing up the yard, fixing up the house, buying new clothes, helping the church, volunteering... all stuff that can wait. All stuff that adds stress. Drop everything that can wait, and then take on what he can't do but has to. Live a minimal life until corporate hires.

And then, when he's calm, (but not because he's watching his favorite show), talk to him calmly. Tell him how you felt. And ask him how to handle that better. Then ask him how you can help him. You two need to be on the same page. You're a team. Negotiate, but as a team, not as a union member or management.

In that situation, I'd also be talking how long before he expects management to relieve him. There's a problem with him taking it all on. If he's doing it well, management won't replace his old boss. They'll just keep him where he is. I'd open the door for how he can look for a new job and when.

It's 17 hours since you posted this. Soooo? Did he tell you yet why he was so abrupt? Have you worked that one out yet? If so, let it go. (And yes. Infinitely harder to do than say. lol)
 
D

DaretobeHis

Guest
#12
Hi Cindy
One of the hardest thing to experience in life are hurtful words no matter who they come from but when it is your spouse it stings a whole lot more. You seem to have a grasp on the stress your hubby is under. We tend to take our stress out on those we love the most. One thing I would ask you...is this uncommon behaviour for your husband? If not then I'm assuming it's just getting worst but if it is uncommon for him then wait until he has had a good night sleep. Make you both a good breakfast and let him know...nicely, you both need to talk. Let him know you realize he is under a lot of stress and you understand but it is starting to affect you. Do not be accusing but instead be loving. Reassure him you will support him in any way you can and ask him how else you csn help. maybe encourage him to take an hour or so for himself after work...to de-stress. One thing for sure..do not let offense take residence in your heart. Definitely address the issue. Don't leave room for the enemy to use this as a weapon in your relationship. I will pray for you.
 
S

sassylady

Guest
#13
I don't really consider that hanging up on him, you just said talk to you later and hung up.

I know I would be longsuffering for awhile but at some point would have to calmly say "you know, I'm trying to help you and you are being nasty to me, it's not my fault this all happened, and we need to find a way to get out from under some of this stress because it's not good for either of us".
 

Cindy12

Senior Member
Jan 5, 2015
243
11
18
#14
Ok, so here's the update. He came home and walked in the door as happy as could be. He loved what I was cooking (his favorite meal), so we sat down and ate and just had a normal, good conversation. He was happy, so I wasn't about to say BOO about this morning. Had a great night, nothing was ever mentioned. He did talk about work a little -- some of the things going on there. This is a HUGE money making business, but TINY business physically... there's the owner, his brother, my husband and 2 under my husband who drive and do some warehouse stuff when not driving or making deliveries. So, its not like corporate can just hire and they aren't going to hire anyone else. They just want to figure out how to make it work with his boss gone and let my husband do that job and his job. After a learning period (he has to self teach, most days he is the only one there for most of the day), he will be fine. He'll figure it out and be fine. He's a perfectionist (ex military) so wants things done perfectly - and while learning, that does not happen. I'm just trying to go with the flow and really try to not let anything get to me like I did yesterday. He's trying to keep his mood positive when he gets home - and I know its tough. I just prayed a lot yesterday and last night for God to be with him and help him get through the days with as less stress possible. I have a nice, hot meal cooked when he gets home (and I work 7:30 - 4 as well), and make it as relaxing for him as possible. This too shall pass. I just have to stop being sensitive and letting my feelings get hurt! Thank you ALL for your wonderful and supportive advice!
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#15
Ok, so here's the update. He came home and walked in the door as happy as could be. He loved what I was cooking (his favorite meal), so we sat down and ate and just had a normal, good conversation. He was happy, so I wasn't about to say BOO about this morning. Had a great night, nothing was ever mentioned. He did talk about work a little -- some of the things going on there. This is a HUGE money making business, but TINY business physically... there's the owner, his brother, my husband and 2 under my husband who drive and do some warehouse stuff when not driving or making deliveries. So, its not like corporate can just hire and they aren't going to hire anyone else. They just want to figure out how to make it work with his boss gone and let my husband do that job and his job. After a learning period (he has to self teach, most days he is the only one there for most of the day), he will be fine. He'll figure it out and be fine. He's a perfectionist (ex military) so wants things done perfectly - and while learning, that does not happen. I'm just trying to go with the flow and really try to not let anything get to me like I did yesterday. He's trying to keep his mood positive when he gets home - and I know its tough. I just prayed a lot yesterday and last night for God to be with him and help him get through the days with as less stress possible. I have a nice, hot meal cooked when he gets home (and I work 7:30 - 4 as well), and make it as relaxing for him as possible. This too shall pass. I just have to stop being sensitive and letting my feelings get hurt! Thank you ALL for your wonderful and supportive advice!
I always wonder if "This too will pass" was about gallstones. They pass, but, man! It's painful. lol
 
D

DaretobeHis

Guest
#16
Isn't God good!! Sometimes we just have the wrong perspective on things. Stress!!! He was completely oblivious to your turmoil. Poor man!! Just pray for him during this time at work. Bless you.
 
Dec 1, 2014
9,701
251
0
#17
My husband is under a lot of stress at work right now. His boss got fired 4 weeks ago, and my husband is having to do his job and his fired bosses job without any training or help. He's very stressed. Since this has happened, he has been going in work early around 6 in the morning and working through lunch and trying to leave by 6 at night for his own sanity. He and i have gone up to his work on weekends to try to get him caught up or ahead so he won't be so stressed.

I understand this stress, but he's getting to the point where he takes it out on me and it's beginning to sting. I don't know if I am begin overly sensitive or he's being snappy and mean. This morning we both left for work at the same time. I got down the road 5 minutes and I remembered that he forgot to leave some paint out for a contractor who was coming by to work on the house. I called him on his cell phone, and he answered with a sharp tone "WHAT" ... that is exactly what he said as his answer to me calling him. I immediately went on the defense and said, "forget it babe, I'll talk to you later" and hung up the phone.

I know that was the wrong thing to do. I have not apologized for this yet, and he has not called all day and said anything about it and he won't. So, what do I do or say? Nothing at all and leave it alone? Tell him that it upset me the way he shouted at me disrespectfully? Apologize because maybe I am the one being a jerk for not understanding and letting it upset me? I truly don't know what to say or do and want Christian guidance. I got in the car on the way home today from work and just cried. It just really made me sad to think that he could treat me that way and not think anything about it at all --- and then I got mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself!

How do I handle it, or do I not handle it at all and let it go. These mood swings have been going on for 4 weeks and seem to be getting a little worse as the work stress elevates.
Punch his new boss in the face.
 
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,972
113
#18
PRO 16:11.
A just weight and balance are the LORD'S: all the weights of the bag are His work.
 
Sep 5, 2016
113
1
0
#19
just hang in there, he was probably really busy trying to be on time or something so he wanted to let you know "be brief",

hence "what" which is 1 and a half seconds vs. Hey, honey, what do you want, and then proceeding with a leisurely conversation like not hurry moments.

As for not addressing it later, if you haven't told him, he probably isn't even aware you were bothered by that event happening, and if he's been stressed out at work with 12 hour days for 4 weeks, it probably got phased out of his awareness under everything else, people get short act on feelings less when they're under stress, so they might do something that might offend a calmer person without even being aware of causing offense, try to have more understanding for what he's going through, and try to lessen his stress at home instead of adding to it by holding onto small moments like. that

Try to help him through his struggle by being big enough to let stupid things like that go, you know he wouldn't do it normally so let it go and hold out for the end of this.
 
Sep 5, 2016
113
1
0
#20
Ok, so here's the update. He came home and walked in the door as happy as could be. He loved what I was cooking (his favorite meal), so we sat down and ate and just had a normal, good conversation. He was happy, so I wasn't about to say BOO about this morning. Had a great night, nothing was ever mentioned. He did talk about work a little -- some of the things going on there. This is a HUGE money making business, but TINY business physically... there's the owner, his brother, my husband and 2 under my husband who drive and do some warehouse stuff when not driving or making deliveries. So, its not like corporate can just hire and they aren't going to hire anyone else. They just want to figure out how to make it work with his boss gone and let my husband do that job and his job. After a learning period (he has to self teach, most days he is the only one there for most of the day), he will be fine. He'll figure it out and be fine. He's a perfectionist (ex military) so wants things done perfectly - and while learning, that does not happen. I'm just trying to go with the flow and really try to not let anything get to me like I did yesterday. He's trying to keep his mood positive when he gets home - and I know its tough. I just prayed a lot yesterday and last night for God to be with him and help him get through the days with as less stress possible. I have a nice, hot meal cooked when he gets home (and I work 7:30 - 4 as well), and make it as relaxing for him as possible. This too shall pass. I just have to stop being sensitive and letting my feelings get hurt! Thank you ALL for your wonderful and supportive advice!
Ex-military, the guy used to train to kill people, and he's gotten to the point where the offensive thing he said after working two people's jobs for four weeks is, what? not dissing military but he should get some credit for becoming so polite