Marriage issues

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answers

Guest
#1
#1
It has been some time since I have been on this site. I am feeling very alone and frustrated right now. I love my husband, but I do not love how I feel being married to him. We have been through more than most should, so there is definitely baggage. I want to figure out how we can build a more functional relationship, but I am feeling like every avenue I come up with is a dead end. I said "I" because he is not attempting to work on our issues. He is the ignore it until it upsets him type, and then he will blow up and be very mean, which is then followed by an "act as though he had an epiphany stage" and he will begin to try. That trying phase is short lived.
I am sure it sounds like I am totally pointing the finger, but I am well aware that I play a part in this crazy cycle. With that said, I take all the blows. I am extremely careful, and I mean extremely careful, to not jab or play into the mean treatment I walk on egg shells with my words and actions.

I better get on to my point, sorry. I am having thoughts I have never had or entertained. For example, my future without him. This freaks me out and devastates me! I love him. I want to be with him, but functional. I grew up in a really bad situation which felt aweful, and the life I am living feels worse.

I feel like I am nothing with or without him. I know, as a Christian, that these feelings are not true, but I am so broken from everything that I have gone through at his hand (hubby's) that I am losing faith and hope.

I am very isolated and do not have anyone, but him to talk about this with. I really want some male friends who can help me understand him more.
I am willing to work. I need to figure out how to get him to see my side of things or accept that I have a different perspective that should be respected. I don't need to have everything my way, but I do want to be heard, acknowledged, and respected. I also need to figure out how to have both of us invested in the goal or goals and not get so caught up in selfishness that derails us from the goal(s).

Any thoughts? I know it is hard to respond to something so vague or that lacks full understanding of where I am coming from, but I will appreciate all responses.
Thank you!
 
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Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
I can give you a clue as to what's going on. Your marriage fits quite easily into an abuse cycle. He refuses to answer anything and when he does it's only in anger and he lashes out. Then he apologizes and makes up for it until the wears off. And the cycle goes round and round.
Another facet of abuse is isolation and a constant sense of worry that you will upset the other person. This is really a textbook example of what abuse looks like.
Abusers typically have a very low rate change. Most seem to never change because to change is to acknowledge that they have done something wrong. And a major element of being an abuser is not TRULY acknowledging your own behavior. Most abusers can have moments where they will appear to regret their actions but it never changes. And that is the key to it all. It doesn't change because they somehow end up blaming you.
 
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answers

Guest
#3
#3
Ugly said:
I can give you a clue as to what's going on. Your marriage fits quite easily into an abuse cycle. He refuses to answer anything and when he does it's only in anger and he lashes out. Then he apologizes and makes up for it until the wears off. And the cycle goes round and round.
Another facet of abuse is isolation and a constant sense of worry that you will upset the other person. This is really a textbook example of what abuse looks like.
Abusers typically have a very low rate change. Most seem to never change because to change is to acknowledge that they have done something wrong. And a major element of being an abuser is not TRULY acknowledging your own behavior. Most abusers can have moments where they will appear to regret their actions but it never changes. And that is the key to it all. It doesn't change because they somehow end up blaming you.
Click to expand...
Thanks for your response Ugly. I feel like I agree with you to a certain extent. The isolation is due to our lifestyle. Neither of us have much of a social life. He talks with coworkers and other dads. I am a homemaker, so I do not have coworkers to chat with. Our schedule is very busy from sun up to sun down, so we cannot change that at this present point in our lives.

He feels like I always blame him for everything, I do not feel that I do. I could be wrong, but I analyze everything I say and I try really hard to be objective and not place blame. However, there are times where I stress a point mainly where is the accountability. I am always accountable. I always apologize even if what I did is minor when compared to his actions" I am not afraid to be vulnerable, my love for him and the health of our marriage is greater than any pride I may have.

I have been married to him almost 16 years and during that I have never yelled at him, cursed at him, called him mean names, acted calloused or uncaring towards his needs or perspective, I have never denied him love, I have never acted annoyed of how he felt about something.
I have made lots of mistakes, whether it was saying something that had a little too much zip because It came from a place of pain instead of logic, or at times complaining about how he makes me feel more than showing him how much I appreciate what he does, or not showing him enough how much I love him.
I am not innocent. I am just stuck in this hard place. I want to show him how much I love him, and I want to show him that I have pure gratitude for all that he does do instead of showing him that I am focusing on what he does wrong, but I feel so low and unloved and unappreciated that I am struggling to do this. I almost feel like being defiant toward what I know I should be doing because I feel he is not doing (for years) what he should be...very immature and dumb, I know! I have such a mix of feelings. I keep praying for guidance or help with humbling us both among many other things. I am feeling hopeless. I do not want to lose my husband. I am terrified that we are very close to divorce. I asked him if he feels fear of losing me or our marriage and he told me no. I asked him if he feels like in his distant future it still includes me and he said yes.
So, it is just me feeling this way, how could this be?

Thanks again and thanks for listening
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#4
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#4
Sounds like he would rather blame you entirely for everything, rather than having the courage to admit that he is to blame also. If he doesn't want to change, he won't.. You can't change him, you can only work on yourself. God can't change him unless he WANTS to be changed. It sounds kind of like he's sick of being married. Have you asked him if he's willing to work things out and go to counseling? It's strange how he doesn't fear divorce, but you do. Has he ever brought that subject up? Maybe he honestly doesn't know how to fix things between you, but to me, it sounds like he's too lazy and selfish to try. :/
 
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Ariel82

Guest
#5
#5
Male friends wont help. Only make things more complicated....he will get jealous and think you are cheating and you may,be tempted to cheat....

You need a good church with a Stephen ministry that will link you with a woman who is trained to pray and mentor you through,
 
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Ariel82

Guest
#6
#6
answers said:
Thanks for your response Ugly. I feel like I agree with you to a certain extent. The isolation is due to our lifestyle. Neither of us have much of a social life. He talks with coworkers and other dads. I am a homemaker, so I do not have coworkers to chat with. Our schedule is very busy from sun up to sun down, so we cannot change that at this present point in our lives.

He feels like I always blame him for everything, I do not feel that I do. I could be wrong, but I analyze everything I say and I try really hard to be objective and not place blame. However, there are times where I stress a point mainly where is the accountability. I am always accountable. I always apologize even if what I did is minor when compared to his actions" I am not afraid to be vulnerable, my love for him and the health of our marriage is greater than any pride I may have.

I have been married to him almost 16 years and during that I have never yelled at him, cursed at him, called him mean names, acted calloused or uncaring towards his needs or perspective, I have never denied him love, I have never acted annoyed of how he felt about something.
I have made lots of mistakes, whether it was saying something that had a little too much zip because It came from a place of pain instead of logic, or at times complaining about how he makes me feel more than showing him how much I appreciate what he does, or not showing him enough how much I love him.
I am not innocent. I am just stuck in this hard place. I want to show him how much I love him, and I want to show him that I have pure gratitude for all that he does do instead of showing him that I am focusing on what he does wrong, but I feel so low and unloved and unappreciated that I am struggling to do this. I almost feel like being defiant toward what I know I should be doing because I feel he is not doing (for years) what he should be...very immature and dumb, I know! I have such a mix of feelings. I keep praying for guidance or help with humbling us both among many other things. I am feeling hopeless. I do not want to lose my husband. I am terrified that we are very close to divorce. I asked him if he feels fear of losing me or our marriage and he told me no. I asked him if he feels like in his distant future it still includes me and he said yes.
So, it is just me feeling this way, how could this be?

Thanks again and thanks for listening
Click to expand...
He sounds numb and has walled off his heart to keep from getting hurt more. ( he has no fear because he has no emotions).

I don't know if he is an abuser or not. Only you can really answer that, but I can respond to you and your words.

You say you love him but feel hopeless.

I think it's because you are looking towards your husband to fill you up with love when you should look towards God....people often don't do things they should...we often don't do things we should, but you know what?

God still loved us enough to die for us and save us from death and adopt us as His children.

Look to God to be filled with love, hope and joy...then you will find the strength and faith to love yourself and your husband. The Holy Spirit will teach you how to speak in love and gentleness. Through your kindness, perhaps your marriage can heal from the scars and wounds you both inflicted upon each other.
 
B

beachin

Member
#7
Mar 26, 2016
31
0
6
#7
You are correct that only you truly know the situation so it is hard for others to give advice. Speaking from my experience, it could be abusive like some have speculated. It sounds similar to the emotionally abusive relationship I was in. However, you seem to want to fight for the marriage, which I think is very admirable. I would suggest finding some sort of support - a local pastor/church that could help guide you or a Christian counselor that could really dig deep into the situation and give more valuable advice than we can on here.

I do agree with the post above that it does sound like you are looking for your husband to fulfill you. That is definitely something I did and when God showed that to me, it totally opened my eyes and strengthened my relationship with Him because I realized I was looking to the wrong person. Allow God to change you and work on your own relationship with God instead of just focusing on your husband and then things might be a little more clear for you.
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#8
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
112
0
#8
Marriage is a rough ride when two half people try to make a whole.
 
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answers

Guest
#9
#9
Ariel82 said:
Male friends wont help. Only make things more complicated....he will get jealous and think you are cheating and you may,be tempted to cheat....

You need a good church with a Stephen ministry that will link you with a woman who is trained to pray and mentor you through,
Click to expand...
I have thought of that, but I was only friends with males and related more to them prior to marriage. I feel if I could have a male's clear cut input about things it would help me communicate with my husband more efficiently. However, I can see why this could be a bad thing as well.
I will check out Stephen ministry. Thanks
 
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answers

Guest
#10
#10
blue_ladybug said:
Sounds like he would rather blame you entirely for everything, rather than having the courage to admit that he is to blame also. If he doesn't want to change, he won't.. You can't change him, you can only work on yourself. God can't change him unless he WANTS to be changed. It sounds kind of like he's sick of being married. Have you asked him if he's willing to work things out and go to counseling? It's strange how he doesn't fear divorce, but you do. Has he ever brought that subject up? Maybe he honestly doesn't know how to fix things between you, but to me, it sounds like he's too lazy and selfish to try. :/
Click to expand...
We have gone to counseling and when we do, he is the man I wanted during the conflict and everything is worked out immediately. However, when things return once he does not have any accountability. I did bring up going again and he sighed. He would probably do it, but right now we cannot afford to go so it would have to wait.
As far as him bringing up divorce, he used to throw it in my face every time he was mad at me. He has not done that in some time, but he treats me like he does when he is mad. For example, he denies me love, consideration, patience, understanding, and so on. We definitely feel like we are lost and do not know how to fix. I am hoping I gain knowledge through everyone's response that can open a door for us.
Thanks for responding!
 
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answers

Guest
#11
#11
Ariel82 said:
He sounds numb and has walled off his heart to keep from getting hurt more. ( he has no fear because he has no emotions).

I don't know if he is an abuser or not. Only you can really answer that, but I can respond to you and your words.

You say you love him but feel hopeless.

I think it's because you are looking towards your husband to fill you up with love when you should look towards God....people often don't do things they should...we often don't do things we should, but you know what?

God still loved us enough to die for us and save us from death and adopt us as His children.

Look to God to be filled with love, hope and joy...then you will find the strength and faith to love yourself and your husband. The Holy Spirit will teach you how to speak in love and gentleness. Through your kindness, perhaps your marriage can heal from the scars and wounds you both inflicted upon each other.
Click to expand...

Thanks. In the heat of things, I am sure I blur the lines of God fulfilling me and my husband's love. We are supposed to be one under God, so I feel like they are in some ways the same and I think that is why it hurts me so much. That is not exactly how I feel, but the best way I could come up with in words :) I know we are human sinners, and I do not expect us to be perfect, but I do expect us both to always work toward God's will and he does not will us to criticize, be cruel, withhold love, hold grudges, lack compassion, and so on. Anyway, I could talk about this subject forever, so I will conclude. Thank you and Beachin for your kind words and reminders :)
 
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