My heart as a Foster Mom

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SFmom

Guest
#1
#1
Hello I am a forty something who aquired my son's best friend as a Foster child two years ago. He had just turned 17 so I didn't get to have him very long and we just moved him in to college a few weeks ago. His birth parents live in the same town but have no relationship with him. He and I bonded so strongly while he was living with us. Now that he is in college, we still get to see him a good bit as he is only 30 minutes away. At a football game this weekend, he introduced me to friends as his mom and my heart lept. I find myself wishing he was my son. And I get sad sometimes because in my heart I know that he is not and never will be. I haven't discouraged a relationship with his birth parents but they have not made an effort. I feel complete when I can help him or he comes to me for advice but also in the back of my mind I feel as though he will eventually be drawn back to them and I will have to fade. This terrified me and I know it's our selfish nature as humans to look out for no 1. I feel so blessed to have him in my life but so afraid he will drift from me and I will feel nothing but a hole where he used to be. Being a Foster parent changed my life in ways that I never thought possible. I want to discuss the fact that he called me mom with him but I am afraid of pressuring him into that if I bring it up. I am looking for other foster parents in my shoes and if anyone thinks it would be okay to talk to him about it openly.any advice welcomed.
 
PrynceNY

PrynceNY

Banned
#2
Aug 16, 2016
2,184
62
0
#2
May God bless you for accepting him in your home & caring for him. Though you are not his biological mother I don't see any reason for you to fade out of his life. He is old enough at this point to make his own decisions of who he wants in his life. So even if his biological parents want to seriously be in his life im sure he will want you to stay in his life as well.
 
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Ultimatum77

Guest
#3
#3
I'm not a foster parent, but I think just by you accepting and taking care of him, he'll remember that and definately put you above his biological parents. If you care for someone who's been dumped on by others, they usually genuinely remember it for the rest of their lives and are very grateful. He'll love you more by just your being there when his parents weren't....

I don't think it would be a bad thing to talk to him honestly about you feeling like he's your son/ his mom and clear the air so to speak.....let him decide for himself and don't get depressed/elated whichever way it turns out just trust God and pray for him to succeed in life.
 
A

Adstar

Senior Member
#4
Jul 24, 2016
7,426
3,477
113
#4
SFmom said:
Hello I am a forty something who aquired my son's best friend as a Foster child two years ago. He had just turned 17 so I didn't get to have him very long and we just moved him in to college a few weeks ago. His birth parents live in the same town but have no relationship with him. He and I bonded so strongly while he was living with us. Now that he is in college, we still get to see him a good bit as he is only 30 minutes away. At a football game this weekend, he introduced me to friends as his mom and my heart lept. I find myself wishing he was my son. And I get sad sometimes because in my heart I know that he is not and never will be. I haven't discouraged a relationship with his birth parents but they have not made an effort. I feel complete when I can help him or he comes to me for advice but also in the back of my mind I feel as though he will eventually be drawn back to them and I will have to fade. This terrified me and I know it's our selfish nature as humans to look out for no 1. I feel so blessed to have him in my life but so afraid he will drift from me and I will feel nothing but a hole where he used to be. Being a Foster parent changed my life in ways that I never thought possible. I want to discuss the fact that he called me mom with him but I am afraid of pressuring him into that if I bring it up. I am looking for other foster parents in my shoes and if anyone thinks it would be okay to talk to him about it openly.any advice welcomed.
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I would not press the issue about Him identifying you as his mom to His friends.. He must look up to you with respect to say that. I guess in His mind you may be the closest thing he has ever come to having a real mom.. So i would just enjoy the warmth while the sun shines.. If he does drift away then that hole is going to be inside you not because of the way he feels about you now but because of the way you feel about Him.. You care about him that is clear to see. So just keep on being you and keep on caring for him as you have been doing :D

May you continue to be blessed and be a blessing to others :)
 
S

SFmom

Guest
#5
#5
These replies mean so much to me.. My heart is just so full as my hands are.. I didn't mention the fact that my biological son is recovering from a serious illness. My foster son has stepped up and became a support system for him through the illness also. I pray every day that my boys both find success in life. They are both Christians and have been saved and baptized. My foster son got saved the first year he lived with us. The college he attends is a Christian school. I believe also he is Angel sent to us because of the drastic changes our family has experienced since we decided to foster him. I know I have read horror stories from fostering but I want to be a light to other and tell you that God works for our good no matter what our circumstances are. For anyone who ever had doubts, I know we serve a living God who loves his children and blessed us in ways we can't imagine.. Even in the worst storms of life. He never leaves and is always working for us. I am overwhelmed at the blessings This experience has given me and my family. Please also keep my biological son in your prayers as he fights daily to get better and thank God for sending him a brother to support him as well. I love my Savior!!
His love ran red for all of us!!! I get to see it on a daily basis.
I am his mom for now as long as the Son shines!!
 
O

oldethennew

Banned
#6
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,972
113
#6
sister,

accepting a spiritual son can sometimes mean as much if not more,
in so many ways...
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#7
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#7
Ask him if he would like you to officially adopt him. :) He's old enough to give his own consent.
 
S

SFmom

Guest
#8
#8
I guess maybe I can bring that up when I talk to him about the mom thing.. Depending on how that goes. I just feel weird because he has parents. They just dont contibute to his well being in any way. His mom was incarsirated for over a year and has been out since July 1st and she hasn't seen him. It is a weird situation for him family wise. He has clung to our family through it all. I think he likes the stability. He didn't really have it. Thanks for this idea.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#9
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#9
SFmom said:
I guess maybe I can bring that up when I talk to him about the mom thing.. Depending on how that goes. I just feel weird because he has parents. They just dont contibute to his well being in any way. His mom was incarsirated for over a year and has been out since July 1st and she hasn't seen him. It is a weird situation for him family wise. He has clung to our family through it all. I think he likes the stability. He didn't really have it. Thanks for this idea.
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Sounds like his parents are not even interested in having him around. Who knows, maybe they will be glad if you adopt him. As for him calling you "mom", well, obviously he feels you're more of a mom to him than his own mother is. I call several people here and in real life, "mom". None of them are related to me, and none of them mind me calling them mom. :)

If I were you, I wouldn't even bring up the mom issue to him. He KNOWS he has parents, but obviously counts YOU as his mom. He's old enough to know who he wants as his mother. If you don't mind being called mom, then don't even raise the issue.

P.S. Somewhere in the bible, it talks about what the best kind of parent is. The ones who are willing to foster/adopt another person's kids. :) Just cuz his mother is blood, doesn't make her a good mother.
 
S

SFmom

Guest
#10
#10
His dad came to graduation and one of his soccer games in high school. He has three siblings. His grandmother has two of them and his parents lost custody of the youngest one several years ago. I wish I could have taken them all. He is the oldest and feels responsible for all of them because for so long he was responsible for them. He was the only one working in his household at 16. It is a sad situation. He is a precious child. I would just die if he were mine and I didn't see him. I never expected to have another son, especially not in the way I have. I had so many emotions about what has happened. They are overwhelming. That is why I joined this chat. I felt like at times I would explode. Foster parenting is a strange mixture of happiness and heartache. These children are broken and need nurturing. I can tell he has never had it. He had a hard time leaving for college, he was sick the first week and lost 19lbs. I thought this was strange considering he has been uprooted all his life and lived more places than I could count. I think he felt stable for once and didn't want to lose that. We have made sure to stay connected with him. We are each other at least once a week and communicate through our cell phones.
 
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TemporaryCircumstances

Guest
#11
#11
SFmom said:
Hello I am a forty something who aquired my son's best friend as a Foster child two years ago. He had just turned 17 so I didn't get to have him very long and we just moved him in to college a few weeks ago. His birth parents live in the same town but have no relationship with him. He and I bonded so strongly while he was living with us. Now that he is in college, we still get to see him a good bit as he is only 30 minutes away. At a football game this weekend, he introduced me to friends as his mom and my heart lept. I find myself wishing he was my son. And I get sad sometimes because in my heart I know that he is not and never will be. I haven't discouraged a relationship with his birth parents but they have not made an effort. I feel complete when I can help him or he comes to me for advice but also in the back of my mind I feel as though he will eventually be drawn back to them and I will have to fade. This terrified me and I know it's our selfish nature as humans to look out for no 1. I feel so blessed to have him in my life but so afraid he will drift from me and I will feel nothing but a hole where he used to be. Being a Foster parent changed my life in ways that I never thought possible. I want to discuss the fact that he called me mom with him but I am afraid of pressuring him into that if I bring it up. I am looking for other foster parents in my shoes and if anyone thinks it would be okay to talk to him about it openly.any advice welcomed.
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(Clears my throat, buys a podium, and stands up)
American Citizens!

No just kidding haha.

Listen, your son is very very lucky to have you.
I have had my runs with foster care (ended up with my step mom)
But long story short she doesn't love me nearly as much as you love your son. Don't doubt that he doesn't appreciate that. Him calling you mom is because he thinks of you as his mom. He won't let someone who took care and love him fade with unconditional love no matter what happens.

I totally think it's okay to openly talk to him about it.
Us children cam handle more then people think we can haha :)
Good luck
 
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TemporaryCircumstances

Guest
#12
#12
And, again,
Him calling you mom is something you should be incredibly proud of.

I don't even call my mother mom. She is mother.
The closest I have to someone being a mother to me is a staff member from a camp I do training at. And I call her Momiji.

Him calling you mom is of higher honor then most people see. Celebrate in that and know that if you mean that much to him he obviously doesn't want to let you go to the back of his mind.
 
S

SFmom

Guest
#13
#13
TemporaryCircumstances;
Since you have been in foster care, you understand his side of it..our foster care system is broken. Too many people do it for the wrong reason$. We were only contacted by DSS once the entire time he lived here. They basically let him age out of the system. We never collected a dime of support for him. Everything was done because my husband and I wanted to. I think that even though it isn't easy financially, it worked out better for all of us. He is in college getting his education and he just got a job on campus. I am proud that i have been able to help him but I want to do so much more. But monetary support isn't all he needs. He has blessed me way more than I can ever repay him anyway. As I said earlier, I believe he is an Angel sent from God above. I love him so. I will consider it an honor from now on that he calls me mom. I will also tell him now it's okay if he does. I think he can handle it..lol
 
T

TemporaryCircumstances

Guest
#14
#14
SFmom said:
TemporaryCircumstances;
Since you have been in foster care, you understand his side of it..our foster care system is broken. Too many people do it for the wrong reason$. We were only contacted by DSS once the entire time he lived here. They basically let him age out of the system. We never collected a dime of support for him. Everything was done because my husband and I wanted to. I think that even though it isn't easy financially, it worked out better for all of us. He is in college getting his education and he just got a job on campus. I am proud that i have been able to help him but I want to do so much more. But monetary support isn't all he needs. He has blessed me way more than I can ever repay him anyway. As I said earlier, I believe he is an Angel sent from God above. I love him so. I will consider it an honor from now on that he calls me mom. I will also tell him now it's okay if he does. I think he can handle it..lol
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Yep, it's a messed up system. I know.
I can sympathize with him. That's how I can assume that he knows how lucky he is to have you.

Even out of foster care I never had a good parent. Kids who have been in foster care or with parents that could be better know how blessed they are when they get a lovely mom.

A mom is not who gave birth to you haha...
A mom is someone who would go to the ends of the Earth to protect you and love you no matter what life throws at either of you.
You are that to him.

You have done so much more then you realize. I promise. You have made such a difference in his life.

I am glad that he seems to be doing well and succeeding in life! :)
You did a good job.

Thank you.
 
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TemporaryCircumstances

Guest
#15
#15
SFmom said:
TemporaryCircumstances;
Since you have been in foster care, you understand his side of it..our foster care system is broken. Too many people do it for the wrong reason$. We were only contacted by DSS once the entire time he lived here. They basically let him age out of the system. We never collected a dime of support for him. Everything was done because my husband and I wanted to. I think that even though it isn't easy financially, it worked out better for all of us. He is in college getting his education and he just got a job on campus. I am proud that i have been able to help him but I want to do so much more. But monetary support isn't all he needs. He has blessed me way more than I can ever repay him anyway. As I said earlier, I believe he is an Angel sent from God above. I love him so. I will consider it an honor from now on that he calls me mom. I will also tell him now it's okay if he does. I think he can handle it..lol
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Oh and you can call me Natania :)
 
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SFmom

Guest
#16
#16
Natania, I will be sure to let you know how that talk goes with him as soon as I get the opportunity to have it..!! he's so busy now..God bless you.
 
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TemporaryCircumstances

Guest
#17
#17
SFmom said:
Natania, I will be sure to let you know how that talk goes with him as soon as I get the opportunity to have it..!! he's so busy now..God bless you.
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I wish you all the luck! I know it's not the easiest thing in the world. :)
God bless you too
 
S

SFmom

Guest
#18
#18
Thank you for all of you who have replied and all of the advice you gave, please keep my precious family in your prayers especially me as I continue to be a "new" mom.
 
S

SFmom

Guest
#19
#19
In my devotional this morning I listen to worship songs also and this song took on a whole new meaning. The lyrics touched my heart so I heard these words in my heart

I wanna give him the world
I wanna hold his hand
I wanna be his mom for as long as I can
and I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show him what it means to be loved..

So I am his mom for now...
 
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