Affair in the marriage

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gogo_camaro

Guest
#1
#1
I don't know who to talk to but I need prayers and support. After being married 13 short months I caught my wife in an affair. She had been lying and hiding it for a couple weeks. She claims it was because she missed being bad and she was having fun being bad again. The man had no idea she was even married until I called him. A month has gone bye, we're doing counciling with our pastor, and I don't see any change in her. She doesn't have a heart of repentance (my pastor and church elders agree) and only seems to be upset that people besides the two of us know. I have little doubt that it will happen again one day. Whether it be a year or 10.

I am at a total loss what to do. Tomorrow I begin fasting. For how long I don't know (maybe a day, maybe a couple weeks) but I need God more than ever because there is a decision to be made that I am honestly not strong enough to make. I need God to make the decision for me. Do I continue seeking reconciliation with my wife who misses her pre-Christianity and married life that I belive will will cheat again, though she may eventually repent and make right, or do I pursue divorce and move on. The thought of divorce kills me inside but I don't want to be betrayed over and over again the rest of my life.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
How long has she been saved? The timing of her 'missing being bad' seems to stand out to me. 5-10 years into marriage I could understand. But less than a year? Something about getting married likely triggered this. Unless it started before the marriage.

For now I'd suggest sticking with it and seeing if you can uncover the source of this action.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#3
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#3
Once a cheater, always a cheater. They rarely stop cheating, nor are they ever truly sorry that they cheated.. That being said, God is showing you her unrepentant heart. Even your church elders can see that. Good luck in whatever you choose to do..
 
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gogo_camaro

Guest
#4
#4
She gave her life to God July 2014. A month before we started dating.
 
M

Miri

Guest
#5
#5
It sounds as it she is a young person herself and also young in the
Christian faith (assuming she was a Christian - going to church does not make one
a Christian).

If so, then she has a lot of growing up to do and she probably wasn't ready for marriage
in the first place. No one can make this decision for you but if the above applies then at
least there is a chance she will grow up and come to realise what it means to be an adult.


If she is an older woman and/or has been a Christian a long time, then the attitude and
issues may be more of a problem.

Incidentally it is possible to be a Christian a number of years and still be a baby in Christ,
some christians never mature.

Some church goers never become born again Christians.
 
PrynceNY

PrynceNY

Banned
#6
Aug 16, 2016
2,184
62
0
#6
Sorry to hear about your marriage issues. For her to say she missed being "bad" & had fun being bad again sounds like she's not ready to give her life to God.
 
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gogo_camaro

Guest
#7
#7
I forgot to mention that sense the affair I've also caught her with porn on her phone and she admitted that she has spent the past year watching it.
 
M

Miri

Guest
#8
#8
She sounds as if she is looking for escapism from real life for some reason.
Her problems might go deeper than they look on the surface. Try talking to
her about it. Women rarely turn to porn for the reasons men do. For women
it can be a comfort thing, a distraction from stress and real life difficulties.
Or an addiction stemming from abuse or misguided childhood.

At least that's what I get from my dealings with some of the women I've
come across.
 
PeterJens

PeterJens

Banned
#9
Feb 24, 2015
13,204
168
0
#9
gogo_camaro said:
I don't know who to talk to but I need prayers and support. After being married 13 short months I caught my wife in an affair. She had been lying and hiding it for a couple weeks. She claims it was because she missed being bad and she was having fun being bad again. The man had no idea she was even married until I called him. A month has gone bye, we're doing counciling with our pastor, and I don't see any change in her. She doesn't have a heart of repentance (my pastor and church elders agree) and only seems to be upset that people besides the two of us know. I have little doubt that it will happen again one day. Whether it be a year or 10.

I am at a total loss what to do. Tomorrow I begin fasting. For how long I don't know (maybe a day, maybe a couple weeks) but I need God more than ever because there is a decision to be made that I am honestly not strong enough to make. I need God to make the decision for me. Do I continue seeking reconciliation with my wife who misses her pre-Christianity and married life that I belive will will cheat again, though she may eventually repent and make right, or do I pursue divorce and move on. The thought of divorce kills me inside but I don't want to be betrayed over and over again the rest of my life.
Click to expand...
Marriage is about the two of you and how much love you have for each other.

It unfortunately sounds like she does not love you and does not care how much her behaviour
hurts you.

If you have kids it will only get worse. Kids will tear you apart if the foundation of understanding
between the two of you is not there.

I speak as a dad who went through the most testing times soon after we were married, and if
we had not loved and been unbelievably close and commited it would not have worked and I might
not have survived.

And faith is not the thing that makes people faithful, it is the love and care they have for others
in their hearts. Your wife you are describing sounds like someone who wants the power of sex to
manipulate men, and that matters more to her than anything else.

I would simply walk away from a woman like this, because the future only holds more serious pain
for you until you finally have had enough.

But I think you knew this was likely scenario when you met her, based on her past life.

I talked to a guy similar to yourself, and his wife slept around with brother, friends, neighbours,
they moved and it continued and finally after kids they are getting divorced, but she still knows
how to turn him on. And that is the problem, sex above faithfulness, the power of the look over
life and family.

So I suspect you are also part of the problem, and this aspect of your life needs resolving as well.
 
N

NatureFanatic79

Guest
#10
#10
PrynceNY said:
Sorry to hear about your marriage issues. For her to say she missed being "bad" & had fun being bad again sounds like she's not ready to give her life to God.
Click to expand...
This. And it sounds like she's not ready for marriage, either.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I can tell you this happened to me.. twice. In my marriage. My soon to be ex husband cheated about 2 years into our marriage. We worked through it. But it was very hard, I had horrible trust issues. It took 10 more years (unless there was more times I'm unaware of) for him to do it again. And he left me for her this time. There have been many times I wish I followed my heart the FIRST time and left when I should have. But I didn't, and I try not to harp on it. Everything happens for a reason, and this only made me stronger.
I do tend to believe "once a cheater, always a cheater".. some people just aren't meant for marriage. I wouldn't DREAM of cheating on someone, I don't have it in me. And some people do. Your wifes "I miss my life before marriage" gig doesn't sit with me well. If she does, she wasn't ready for marriage. Chances are that won't change. She has growing to do.
It's not an easy decision to make, I've been there.. I'm sorry. Prayers with you as you make it.
 
lv2ski

lv2ski

Senior Member
#11
Aug 20, 2016
542
15
18
#11
I'll. have to agree with most of this counsel. My ex did this, except with drugs and drug people. 10 years later a lot of pain, and 2 little girls it's over and in a bad way.

Don't have kids! I'm not telling you what to do, but remember Lot's wife! Looking back. You're doing the right thing spiritually, and SHE needs to decide this day, as Moses,Joshua and Jesus, Paul and John All taught: choose you this day whom you will serve!

Jesus gave you the divorce option for the unrepentant, it's a heart with the Lord issue. And there are consequences. Again, your doing the right thing. Jesus works for those who wait on Him.
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#12
#12
You have to pray and ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you love her?
2. Why did you marry her?
3. She has been addicted to open since you have been dating her, are you willing to deal with that?
4. What does God say about your marriage?

You don't have to answer on this forum,just questions to ask and pray about.
 
Y

Yahweh_is_gracious

Guest
#13
#13
I agree with the blue ladybug. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#14
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#14
gogo_camaro said:
I don't know who to talk to but I need prayers and support. After being married 13 short months I caught my wife in an affair. She had been lying and hiding it for a couple weeks. She claims it was because she missed being bad and she was having fun being bad again. The man had no idea she was even married until I called him. A month has gone bye, we're doing counciling with our pastor, and I don't see any change in her. She doesn't have a heart of repentance (my pastor and church elders agree) and only seems to be upset that people besides the two of us know. I have little doubt that it will happen again one day. Whether it be a year or 10.

I am at a total loss what to do. Tomorrow I begin fasting. For how long I don't know (maybe a day, maybe a couple weeks) but I need God more than ever because there is a decision to be made that I am honestly not strong enough to make. I need God to make the decision for me. Do I continue seeking reconciliation with my wife who misses her pre-Christianity and married life that I belive will will cheat again, though she may eventually repent and make right, or do I pursue divorce and move on. The thought of divorce kills me inside but I don't want to be betrayed over and over again the rest of my life.
Click to expand...

Unfortunatly I think you should move on. I'm sorry you're going through this.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#15
Mar 13, 2014
41,304
16,297
113
69
Tennessee
#15
Seeing how you only have 13 months invested in this marriage I would cut her loose and file for divorce.
 
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lv2ski

lv2ski

Senior Member
#16
Aug 20, 2016
542
15
18
#16
gogo_camaro said:
She gave her life to God July 2014. A month before we started dating.
Click to expand...
Her repentance is that of Esau and Cain's. Upset with the consequences, not the sin or the damage to others.
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#17
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#17
Something does not add up in this situation. Seems that this is not founded on the correct foundation Who is Chirst.

Pr 18:22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
Ruth

Ruth

Member
#18
May 14, 2016
99
5
0
#18
From everything you have mentioned I question her sincerity of whether she really gave her heart to the Lord to catch a man because her heart seems to be far from God....from the actions you have described. You have several options and I believe you need to separate to give yourself time to heal and then look at your options. Another concern I have is will she just hold on to you to financially support her and hurt you again? These are thoughts that I would be asking and seeking answers for.
 
C

CharlieGrown

Guest
#19
#19
gogo_camaro said:
She claims it was because she missed being bad and she was having fun being bad again.
Click to expand...
Maybe some ladies on the forum can answer this question. Where does the above reasoning come from? It seems to be the default defense when a wife is caught cheating. I've heard it a lot and am just curious. I've never heard of a man saying "I was a straight arrow growing up and I just wanted to feel what it's like to be bad, that's why I had an affair..."

Praying for you gogo.
 
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Ultimatum77

Guest
#20
#20
CharlieGrown said:
Maybe some ladies on the forum can answer this question. Where does the above reasoning come from? It seems to be the default defense when a wife is caught cheating. I've heard it a lot and am just curious. I've never heard of a man saying "I was a straight arrow growing up and I just wanted to feel what it's like to be bad, that's why I had an affair..."

Praying for you gogo.
Click to expand...

Yea that's the dumbest excuse I've ever heard to "be bad" rather one should "be good" to their respective spouse and them only.....

People watch too much TV/soaps and think being bad is some "cool thing" when really it's self destructive and idiotic...
 
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