Need advise

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DesirePeace

Guest
#1
#1
Hey I'm new here and looking for advice. I'm 53 and have grown children from a previous marriage. I recently remarried this past February to a wonderful Christian man. My son has been in the Army and recently came home on leave for 10 days. He is a little difficult and has 2 young children age 2 and 4. He is divorced and I just assumed he would stay here with me and he had his kids here to spend time with them. They are well behaved but my son tends to just really make himself st home and come and go as he pleases. My husband feels this is disrespectful to me and has gotten really upset. He has not said anything to my son but to me. He has ignored my son and my grandchildren .. just walking right past them without saying a word for a week now. My son has picked up on not feeling welcome and told me he will be staying at a hotel next time he is here. My son also claims to be atheist so I have been praying for him and trying to show him love. This is so incredibly hard for me. I don't know what to do. I love my husband so. He says I should have ask him if he could stay here. My husband feels I have not stood by him. I am so hard trying to keep peace but feel I can not win either way. I feel this is pushing my son away from me and certainly not helping my marriage. I just don't know what to do.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#2
Mar 13, 2014
41,313
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Tennessee
#2
It is going to take some time for your husband to adjust to these changes in his life and your son as well. I'm assuming your son has now returned to duty so the tension is probably lessening. I had 2 adult step-children from a previous marriage that I had to adjust to and that took a great deal of time.

It sounds as if your husband was simply looking out for your best interest but maybe could have used a bit more tact. I believe that what you need to do is to give your husband more time and the benefit of the doubt. Talk to him and explain that the whole situation was upsetting to you.

I know that you love your children but you are married now and your husband deserves to be number one in your life. You need to be number one in his life too. Stay close to God and pray together.

Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
 
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DesirePeace

Guest
#3
#3
tourist said:
It is going to take some time for your husband to adjust to these changes in his life and your son as well. I'm assuming your son has now returned to duty so the tension is probably lessening. I had 2 adult step-children from a previous marriage that I had to adjust to and that took a great deal of time.

It sounds as if your husband was simply looking out for your best interest but maybe could have used a bit more tact. I believe that what you need to do is to give your husband more time and the benefit of the doubt. Talk to him and explain that the whole situation was upsetting to you.

I know that you love your children but you are married now and your husband deserves to be number one in your life. You need to be number one in his life too. Stay close to God and pray together.

Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
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Thank you for the encouragement. It's just so hard and I feel so hurt. I do love my husband and he is #1 but my son will always be my son too and I love him too.
Thanks for the welcome. Glad to be here.
 
Utah

Utah

Banned
#4
Dec 1, 2014
9,701
251
0
#4
DesirePeace said:
Hey I'm new here and looking for advice. I'm 53 and have grown children from a previous marriage. I recently remarried this past February to a wonderful Christian man. My son has been in the Army and recently came home on leave for 10 days. He is a little difficult and has 2 young children age 2 and 4. He is divorced and I just assumed he would stay here with me and he had his kids here to spend time with them. They are well behaved but my son tends to just really make himself st home and come and go as he pleases. My husband feels this is disrespectful to me and has gotten really upset. He has not said anything to my son but to me. He has ignored my son and my grandchildren .. just walking right past them without saying a word for a week now. My son has picked up on not feeling welcome and told me he will be staying at a hotel next time he is here. My son also claims to be atheist so I have been praying for him and trying to show him love. This is so incredibly hard for me. I don't know what to do. I love my husband so. He says I should have ask him if he could stay here. My husband feels I have not stood by him. I am so hard trying to keep peace but feel I can not win either way. I feel this is pushing my son away from me and certainly not helping my marriage. I just don't know what to do.
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You say your husband is a wonderful Christian man. He doesn't seem so wonderful, not acknowledging grandkids and all. He shouldn't blame or victimize the innocent.
 
Jimbone

Jimbone

Senior Member
#5
Aug 22, 2014
2,717
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#5
I wonder what is causing it? Does your husband have any kids of his own at all? It may be a jealousy thing, like when he see them it's a huge reminder of the past. If he doesn't even have kids of his own it may be even harder. He should at least try to "act" welcoming to the grand kids though. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. The only thing I would suggest is first getting everyone together and let everyone lay out how they feel and what the biggest problems are, without communication things just build up until they explode and that's not good for anyone. I would really try to figure out what about them most bothers your husband and try to work it out.

From an outside perspective with so little info, but I can pray for you too and hope He gives your whole family peace soon.
 
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DesirePeace

Guest
#6
#6
Jimbone said:
I wonder what is causing it? Does your husband have any kids of his own at all? It may be a jealousy thing, like when he see them it's a huge reminder of the past. If he doesn't even have kids of his own it may be even harder. He should at least try to "act" welcoming to the grand kids though. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. The only thing I would suggest is first getting everyone together and let everyone lay out how they feel and what the biggest problems are, without communication things just build up until they explode and that's not good for anyone. I would really try to figure out what about them most bothers your husband and try to work it out.

From an outside perspective with so little info, but I can pray for you too and hope He gives your whole family peace soon.
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He has 3 grown children and 3 grand children. We have 5 all together all age 4 and under. He says and is correct that we do t have his grandkids over for more than 1 day at a time cause it's just difficult for us with small children. But my son doesn't live here and when he comes home he wants to have them with him. My husband says if he comes for 10 days with kids he should get a hotel room and that it's just inconsiderate not to. My husband has had to deal with a lot of selfish and ungrateful attitudes from other people recently and he says he hates that attitude. He feels my son was disrespectful to me. My husband is generous to others, organized ministeries for the homeless, loves God, loves me, is good to me. This is all why I have a hard time understanding why he can't just over look some things that are stressful just for a week. And I don't understand him ignoring the kids. He said he understands that he's not right in ignoring them but he just can't handle it right now.
 
Magenta

Magenta

Senior Member
#7
Jul 3, 2015
55,876
26,037
113
#7
They (grandchildren) are well behaved but my son tends to just
really make himself st home and come and go as he pleases.
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Is your son leaving the children in your care as he comes
and goes as he pleases, or am I misreading this?

Welcome to CC :)
 welcome.gif
 
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DesirePeace

Guest
#8
#8
When he first arrived he got on the computer playing video games and I was having to care for them.
He will bring them in the living room, stretch out on the couch (where my husband usually sits ) and have TV on what he wants to watch. My husband likes his place to come home and relax and watch a game or whatever.
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#9
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#9
Two wrongs do not make a right.

Two alpha males in a contest to establish who is going to be top dog.

Husband ignores son and kids. Son comes in and takes over like he owns the place. Both sound a little spoiled to me.

Establish rules of conduct and enforce them. Both guys need to cooperate and accommodate each other. A little kindness goes a long way and being a good host is an important characteristic of a good Christian man. Son needs to respect your new husband even if he doesn't like him or even resents him.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
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Ariel82

Guest
#10
#10
DesirePeace said:
He has 3 grown children and 3 grand children. We have 5 all together all age 4 and under. He says and is correct that we do t have his grandkids over for more than 1 day at a time cause it's just difficult for us with small children. But my son doesn't live here and when he comes home he wants to have them with him. My husband says if he comes for 10 days with kids he should get a hotel room and that it's just inconsiderate not to. My husband has had to deal with a lot of selfish and ungrateful attitudes from other people recently and he says he hates that attitude. He feels my son was disrespectful to me. My husband is generous to others, organized ministeries for the homeless, loves God, loves me, is good to me. This is all why I have a hard time understanding why he can't just over look some things that are stressful just for a week. And I don't understand him ignoring the kids. He said he understands that he's not right in ignoring them but he just can't handle it right now.
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I think you should respect your husband and allow him his personal space at home. Your son seems okay with getting a hotel room and you can still have him and your grandkids over for a day.

From what you say, your son isn't willing to respect your husband's "house rules" and your husband isn't willing to bend over backwards.

My husband has a spot he likes sitting on the couch and the kids are trained to move and hand the tv controller over for dad.

I doubt your grown son will see your new husband as "dad".


It's not something you can or should force. Its more important that you give them time to build a stress free relationship, than force them to live in the same house for a week because that is what you want them to do.
 
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DesirePeace

Guest
#11
#11
Ariel82 said:
I think you should respect your husband and allow him his personal space at home. Your son seems okay with getting a hotel room and you can still have him and your grandkids over for a day.

From what you say, your son isn't willing to respect your husband's "house rules" and your husband isn't willing to bend over backwards.

My husband has a spot he likes sitting on the couch and the kids are trained to move and hand the tv controller over for dad.

I doubt your grown son will see your new husband as "dad".


It's not something you can or should force. Its more important that you give them time to build a stress free relationship, than force them to live in the same house for a week because that is what you want them to do.
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Thanks you guys. I appreciate your input.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#12
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
2,943
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#12
Well, small children are a handful for us older types! There is no doubt about that. Plus, I am disabled, and the parents of my grandchildren (all under 4 too!) have not seemed to understand what that entails.

Still, the best days of my year are when they come and visit. We bought a house with extra bedrooms so they could come and stay. I even kept a lot of toys, so they have something to play with. These are both my husband's and my children and grandchildren, but there still is something about boundaries that are important.

Last year, my son came for a wedding. We loved having the kids, but he was out literally every night with the "wedding party" because he was the best man. Plus, we ended up with two other families coming and staying with us, also here for the wedding. Some were kind, and didn't even eat with us, and left us with huge gift certificates. My son did not, and barely seemed to notice that we were tired from being up with kids who were upset their parents were never around if they woke up at night.

My husband had a talk with him. He apologized, but the result was that he only stayed 3 days this year. Or maybe we are just boring to be around? Probably not, because he is always happy to have us visit them. Now his MIL might be moving there to take care of the kids. I'm not sure how that will affect the only extra bedroom, which we paid for to have a place when we came there.

Still, I love them, and I do understand what a conflict you are in. I think if your son can afford a hotel, perhaps he needs to do that? And do make sure he knows you want to see those kids every day, just not all day, every day. For your husband's peace of mind, at least!
 
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