Dont know if I can stay married to this man.

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naivewife

Guest
#1
#1
Married 7 years, 6 months pregnant with second girl, about to move to another state...

My husband is a independent, introverted, very hard working, analytical, hates to ask for help or need anyone. He gets stressed easily, and is often tired from work... he doesnt de-stress through me or any relational way, he just wants to be alone and read... and I try to be understanding and give him his space when he needs it. I however need to be pursued... I need time and affection... IM realizing our needs, and ways of showing love and receiving love are very different. I have cried to him about my needs over and over again the course of our marriage because I often feel neglected or rejected by him... I guess it just doesnt come naturally to him to spend time with me or give me any affection... it makes me feel like he doesnt care if IM around at all... and I just dont know if I can live like this... he wasnt like this when we were dating... and I would never have married a man that was so emotionally and physically absent. I decided to do a little psychological experiment the past 2 weeks to confirm what I already know, but to show him that he does not pursue me... I decided to see what would happen if I did not pursue him, if I did not seek him out... to see if he would ever seek me out.
Day 1-3 no interaction at all, Day 4 - he talked to me about work and politics for 10 min, no further interaction, Day 5 no interaction, Day 6 - he wasnt feeling good, I give him a pass, Day 7 sunday - we had good conversation, he watched our daughter so I could do some work, no further interaction, Day 8 he actually gave me a kiss on the cheek and said I love you before work(cant remember last time he did that), he talked to me for 15 min or so after work, no further physical touch/affection, Day 9 no interaction, Day 10 We fought about christmas plans, a fight we have every year. We had to see his family later that day, he said he was sorry for the fight and actually pulled me toward him on the couch while we were watching the debate(he is always more affectionate with me around his family) Day 11 - no interaction... I still plan on getting to day 14 before I show him this.... I just pray that he will finally see why Iv had such a hard time all these years... I just wish that it came more naturally to him to pursue me... I mean it makes sense in my head, you love someone you naturally want to be with them... but he doesnt? So confused.
 
PrynceNY

PrynceNY

Banned
#2
Aug 16, 2016
2,184
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#2
Have you considered marriage counseling? You mentioned he was affectionate before you were married & now he's not. So at some point during the relationship there was a turning point for that to happen. To find the solution it would be useful to try to pinpoint when that turning point occurred & what caused it.
 
Tinkerbell725

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
#3
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
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Philippines Age 40
#3
They are wired that way. They don't talk much about feelings. They are not like your girl friends who like to talk a lot. But try to tell him how you feel. Don't hide your hurt. He should know. Maybe he will try to be more affectionate. But also try to find the attention that you need from others like friends, family and a God so you will not be expecting too much from your husband. God bless.
 
Tinkerbell725

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
#4
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
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Philippines Age 40
#4
Counselling is a good idea. Do you think he is cheating on you? If he is I dont think counselling will help. Only prayer can do that. If he is only being tempted and thinking of cheating on you, you should pray harder for him.
 
RickyZ

RickyZ

Senior Member
#5
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
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#5
May I ask how long you dated before getting married?

Keep your distance. Men can't pursue something that's chasing them.
 
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naivewife

Guest
#6
#6
We dated and were engaged for about 2 yrs before marriage. I dont think he is cheating on me. He has told me before he takes care of his own sexual needs because it is "easier" that way... We tried to do things the right way pre-marriage, and stayed abstinent... I think the reason he pursued me pre-marriage was due to hormones and the newness of a relationship... it all changed once we were married and the chase was over. I just think he hates to need anyone... he doesnt want to depend on anyone for anything... and I dont want to give him no credit... if I put myself around him, he will sometimes be affectionate with me... but I realize more than ever before after doing this little experiment... that if I dont seek him out... there is not much of a relationship. Just for context, I am 30 years old, usually a petite size 0(prego right now), and not unattractive... so I just dont get it.
 
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PrynceNY

PrynceNY

Banned
#7
Aug 16, 2016
2,184
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0
#7
naivewife said:
We dated and were engaged for about 2 yrs before marriage. I dont think he is cheating on me. He has told me before he takes care of his own sexual needs because it is "easier" that way... We tried to do things the right way pre-marriage, and stayed abstinent... I think the reason he pursued me pre-marriage was due to hormones and the newness of a relationship... it all changed once we were married and the chase was over. I just think he hates to need anyone... he doesnt want to depend on anyone for anything... and I dont want to give him no credit... if I put myself around him, he will sometimes be affectionate with me... but I realize more than ever before after doing this little experiment... that if I dont seek him out... there is not much of a relationship. Just for context, I am 30 years old, usually a petite size 0(prego right now), and not unattractive... so I just dont get it.
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A husband & wife are to fulfil eachother sexual desires. He is not fulfilling his duties as a husband. There is suppose to be intimacy in a marriage. In most cases you would think people who were abstinence like yall were would be even more intimate & closer when married. It seems to be a problem on his end, try not to blame yourself
 
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naivewife

Guest
#8
#8
Yes its been very disappointing... I thought I did everything "right." I married a man that really loved God, and was passionate after God more than anyone I knew... but a lot of things changed after marriage... and IM not perfect...we are just opposites... he is very A type personality, and I am a free spirit, artsy type with problems being disciplined, keeping things clean, maybe being the "partner" he thought I should have been. I have suggested counseling many times... its just really expensive... and my husband is not a spender at all...
 
PrynceNY

PrynceNY

Banned
#9
Aug 16, 2016
2,184
62
0
#9
naivewife said:
Yes its been very disappointing... I thought I did everything "right." I married a man that really loved God, and was passionate after God more than anyone I knew... but a lot of things changed after marriage... and IM not perfect...we are just opposites... he is very A type personality, and I am a free spirit, artsy type with problems being disciplined, keeping things clean, maybe being the "partner" he thought I should have been. I have suggested counseling many times... its just really expensive... and my husband is not a spender at all...
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You two should probably have a serious discussion (If you haven't) about the relationship and lay any problems on the table to be solved. I understand counselling may be expensive but you're at the point of deciding whether or not to be married, something has to be done. Is he aware you are unhappy? Maybe it needs to be told him that unless things change you don't believe the marriage will work.
 
Tinkerbell725

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
#10
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
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Philippines Age 40
#10
Communication is the pathway on which love travels. Speak the truth in love and truth shall set you free. Encourage him to open up and be honest. Maybe he has depression.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#11
#11
Counseling. He needs a third party to help him understand what's going on. To help you understand him. And to help you each find a balance. Right now you are two opposing forces pushing against each other to each have your own way. That will never work out.

Also, I know this is very difficult, try not to take everything so personal. He may be repeating what he saw growing up, or just doing what comes natural. In his mind it be seem happy and fullfiling. Counseling will help determine the basis for his behavior as well as what approaches may work for him. And you.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#12
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
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#12
You say he's stressed and tired from work, and you want him to de-stress by pursuing you? Adding work to his schedule isn't the answer, maybe you should consider getting a job yourself and relieve him of some of the burden. He may have more energy to give you the attention you desire if some of the load is shared? You seem completely focused on your needs and wants, but its not always easy for a guy to work all day and then come home to a high maintenance woman. The best way to relate to him might be to work all day yourself and then come home and pursue him? Initiate the action yourself. Its not always easy for a man to adore his wife 24/7, and in my experience, its never enough, its never enough. . jmo
 
Roughsoul1991

Roughsoul1991

Senior Member
#13
Sep 17, 2016
8,784
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#13
Your husband sounds a lot like me because I struggle with providing the type of love my wife needs because I am naturally an introvert, I stress and deal with anxiety way too much, and on top of that I love my wife and have my eyes set on marriage till death. But I many times am tired and ready to relax and unwind with personal time doing my stress-free hobbies. My wife, on the other hand needs time together she likes to call cuddle time lol. I rarely need closeness like this in less i am sick or in pain but this does not mean I feel any less love for her. A marriage is a job and I many times I got to fight with my inner self to provide all the close affection she needs. Men are wired differently and marriage with a woman is suppose to help men mature and become unselfish. We have been married 4 years and have came a long way but I am really far from being the man I want to be.

Your husband sounds like he has lost his purpose and sense of meaning in life. A man needs adventure and things in his life to remind him he is a man. Men are pacified in the 21st century where we work 5 to 6 days a week and the routine is the same wake up, work, and sleep. If he does not have anything that brings life to a mans soul he becomes domesticated. A lion in the zoo of a modern day man. We all have seen these lions in a zoo. They do the same things everyday, food brought to them, his female needs are met, and he has no worries. But a man if not careful can domesticate himself just like the lion but he also deals with stress which only makes a man either act out or shut everyone out. He may read books to take his mind in to another world and give him a sense of adventure.

But I say this because I have to set time out for me to get out the house and do different things that feed my longing for adventure. So I have hobbys and sports that feed it in a healthy way and this helps me be a better man for my wife. She realizes how important these things are to me and if I get too caught up in my average everyday routine our marriage starts to struggle. Obviously, with your husband none of this will work if he does not try. Counseling is always good and many churches offer it for free. So check around.
 
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naivewife

Guest
#14
#14
My husband is the type of guy that just takes the weight of the world on his shoulders... he has always been this way... he gets stressed easily and de-stresses through being alone and reading or doing his own thing. So me being around just stresses him out more... I really do try to be understanding and I dont make him feel guilty for having time to himself... but he could go days or weeks without any interaction with me... including intimacy... no he doesnt have a medical problem. I become overly focused on my needs because IM in emotional pain... I feel like if I was with a man that appreciated a lot of time, affection, physical interaction he would value me more and not consider me high maintenance... my husband might consider me high maintenance because he doesnt receive love this way...he doesnt value quality time/affection...he just views it as more work, and me as a dependent, needy drain on his life. I just feel like we are totally incompatable sometimes. I never would have married someone that was so emotionally/physically absent...but he wasnt when we were dating... just feel like I got tricked or something. Just for context, Im not just a lazy housewife... i take care of our kid and house and run a photography business on the side... so its not like i dont contribute.
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#15
May 17, 2013
15,050
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#15
Divorce is not an option. If you feel lonely now you will feel worse if you divorce.

How much time do you spend in church as a family? Perhaps if you and he spent some of his reading time reading the bible together it would help.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
Roughsoul1991

Roughsoul1991

Senior Member
#16
Sep 17, 2016
8,784
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#16
Don't give up him. Have you tried to write him a note fully explaining your feelings in a very respectful way toward his feelings. Sometimes me and my wife have to write notes when we have problems because sometimes our attitudes mix in with our words. We both are very stubborn making note swapping a nice calm way to share feelings.
 
W

wwjd_kilden

Guest
#17
#17
Wasn't he introvert when you met / before you married? Has he become more introvert?
(Why is him being introvert bothering you more now than it did back then?)

I understand that your are feeling upset about this, but I read this from an introverts perspective.

I have a good friend that I met four years ago. He is a great guy, a good friend, but the fact that I am introvert and he is clingy drained me (he lives further away now), and in the long run enraged me, because he just didn't understand that I didn't share his need to be together every single day all day. I imagine myself in a marriage like that and I know I couldn't handle it, so I would not choose to marry someone every extrovert (unless they got that need sorted out by being with friends)

The two of you need to sit down and talk, so that you get your together time, and he gets his alone time.
Both are important!
 
Y

Yahweh_is_gracious

Guest
#18
#18
What is the relationship between his parents like?

I can relate 100% to how your husband acts because I act in EXACTLY the same way. I also acted differently when dating a woman as opposed to being married. It was just how I acted, and it wasn't even a conscious thing. Once I was married though, I got lazy and felt no need to keep pursuing my wife. In my particular situation, my parents just barely tolerated each other, and I had no idea whatsoever what a healthy relationship looked like. The few friends I had growing up all came from broken homes with lots of drama between biological and step-parents on both sides. In a relationship I just had to make things up as I went and hope for the best.

It might be worth looking a little deeper and see if maybe your husband didn't have good examples to learn from. Humans are very much a monkey-see, monkey-do type of species.
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#19
Jun 29, 2012
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#19
I mean it sounds like typical introvert behavior. I act the same way in relationships, which is mostly why I gave up on them. I just want someone to sit on the couch and watch movies or read their own book with me.
 
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naivewife

Guest
#20
#20
Roughsoul1991 said:
Don't give up him. Have you tried to write him a note fully explaining your feelings in a very respectful way toward his feelings. Sometimes me and my wife have to write notes when we have problems because sometimes our attitudes mix in with our words. We both are very stubborn making note swapping a nice calm way to share feelings.
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Yes, I have found this the best way too... I have a pretty lengthy note written up now... it really is my last plea... if he doesnt see it by now, it means he is just not willing to try... he just views me as too much work.
 
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