Struggling With Letting Go

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
C

Camelot

Member
#1
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#1
Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well.
My wife and I separated about 3 months ago and since then I've filed for divorce after not hearing from my wife for over 2 months. I haven't given her reason, there was no abuse on my part or mistreatment whatsoever. I love and adored my family but felt left with no choice.
We have become cool the last few weeks enough to deal with the children together which is awesone to me but anything else concerning me and her she gets sooooo eager to snap off like she's carrying all this hurt and anger, constantly pointing the finger at me and as understanding as I try to be it's still the same insults and absolutely no empathy towards what I've personally gone through, and so I'm tired of apologizing to her, I'm tired of being the nice guy and taking the punches.
Problem is (I'm gonna sound like a woos) I am MADLY in love with this woman and I HATE IT!!!!!
Like when we separated I lost everything and not once during that did she even call and check on me. I've taken care of my family since we married and this was the only time I was absolutely broken and down on my luck I mean down to nothing and I had to depend on friends and family to help me back up, not once had she even checked on me. That alone shouod be enough to get over this, but something in me doesn't want to give up and I'm a very optimistic person I don't believe in giving up. What I mean is, I know what it'd take to loosen her up but even after that I see things going right back down a dark road because she has no remorse at all.

We will be together this weekend and she wants to have dinner but I don't want things to get awkward in the restaurant lol and I don't want my emotions to get in the way of the goal (if you understand what I mean) because my wife is gorgeous and my kryptonite lolol

Anyways please offer some tips on how to let her go because even still, with all of the beautiful souls around, my Wife is still the only woman I want, I don't mean to sound foolish I'm just saying I still only want her.

Yes we've done marriage counseling; professional and church pastor(s). And yes we've taken plenty of trips and many date nights without the kids.

Bless U all.
 
jenniferand2

jenniferand2

Senior Member
#2
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
33
48
#2
Camelot said:
Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well.
My wife and I separated about 3 months ago and since then I've filed for divorce after not hearing from my wife for over 2 months. I haven't given her reason, there was no abuse on my part or mistreatment whatsoever. I love and adored my family but felt left with no choice.
We have become cool the last few weeks enough to deal with the children together which is awesone to me but anything else concerning me and her she gets sooooo eager to snap off like she's carrying all this hurt and anger, constantly pointing the finger at me and as understanding as I try to be it's still the same insults and absolutely no empathy towards what I've personally gone through, and so I'm tired of apologizing to her, I'm tired of being the nice guy and taking the punches.
Problem is (I'm gonna sound like a woos) I am MADLY in love with this woman and I HATE IT!!!!!
Like when we separated I lost everything and not once during that did she even call and check on me. I've taken care of my family since we married and this was the only time I was absolutely broken and down on my luck I mean down to nothing and I had to depend on friends and family to help me back up, not once had she even checked on me. That alone shouod be enough to get over this, but something in me doesn't want to give up and I'm a very optimistic person I don't believe in giving up. What I mean is, I know what it'd take to loosen her up but even after that I see things going right back down a dark road because she has no remorse at all.

We will be together this weekend and she wants to have dinner but I don't want things to get awkward in the restaurant lol and I don't want my emotions to get in the way of the goal (if you understand what I mean) because my wife is gorgeous and my kryptonite lolol

Anyways please offer some tips on how to let her go because even still, with all of the beautiful souls around, my Wife is still the only woman I want, I don't mean to sound foolish I'm just saying I still only want her.

Yes we've done marriage counseling; professional and church pastor(s). And yes we've taken plenty of trips and many date nights without the kids.

Bless U all.
Click to expand...
you should feel that you are worthy of being loved the way you want to be loved. I think it is clear that she has a lack of empathy on her part. It could be because of years of hurt I do not know. I feel like i am in the same shoes as you I am not getting what i need out of my relationship any more and I am thinking of spreading my wings and just being me. I want to feel happy again I want to feel free of being in a cycle of misery. So to get over her or the relationship you have to accept that it is okay for you to move on and be happy even if that means your marriage is done... Once you get that feeling of being happy in the way you want to be happy the hurt of a broken marriage will slowly go away. Stay busy doing things you enjoy and love. Help out others and enjoy friends who care about you....
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#3
#3
Camelot said:
Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well.
My wife and I separated about 3 months ago and since then I've filed for divorce after not hearing from my wife for over 2 months. I haven't given her reason, there was no abuse on my part or mistreatment whatsoever. I love and adored my family but felt left with no choice.
We have become cool the last few weeks enough to deal with the children together which is awesone to me but anything else concerning me and her she gets sooooo eager to snap off like she's carrying all this hurt and anger, constantly pointing the finger at me and as understanding as I try to be it's still the same insults and absolutely no empathy towards what I've personally gone through, and so I'm tired of apologizing to her, I'm tired of being the nice guy and taking the punches.
Problem is (I'm gonna sound like a woos) I am MADLY in love with this woman and I HATE IT!!!!!
Like when we separated I lost everything and not once during that did she even call and check on me. I've taken care of my family since we married and this was the only time I was absolutely broken and down on my luck I mean down to nothing and I had to depend on friends and family to help me back up, not once had she even checked on me. That alone shouod be enough to get over this, but something in me doesn't want to give up and I'm a very optimistic person I don't believe in giving up. What I mean is, I know what it'd take to loosen her up but even after that I see things going right back down a dark road because she has no remorse at all.

We will be together this weekend and she wants to have dinner but I don't want things to get awkward in the restaurant lol and I don't want my emotions to get in the way of the goal (if you understand what I mean) because my wife is gorgeous and my kryptonite lolol

Anyways please offer some tips on how to let her go because even still, with all of the beautiful souls around, my Wife is still the only woman I want, I don't mean to sound foolish I'm just saying I still only want her.

Yes we've done marriage counseling; professional and church pastor(s). And yes we've taken plenty of trips and many date nights without the kids.

Bless U all.
Click to expand...

So
if I may ask,nothing came of any counseling? What I mean is there must have been some issue that came out. Something to work on to fix your marriage. Did you both give up? Is there a main reason it has come down to divorce?
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#4
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#4
She obviously has given up on the marriage, given up on loving you, and has moved on.. She would rather blame you than admit that SHE might be at fault in some of this. The way she treats you now is horrid, IMO, you'll be better off without her..
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#5
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
112
0
#5
exit phase....no vulnerability....no grace....low performance....emphasize deficits....high judgment.....escape.

she's been there awhile by the sounds of it. Have you?
 
O

oldethennew

Banned
#6
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,972
113
#6
there are always 'two' sides to each and every story ever written:
 
C

Camelot

Member
#7
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#7
kaylagrl said:
So
if I may ask,nothing came of any counseling? What I mean is there must have been some issue that came out. Something to work on to fix your marriage. Did you both give up? Is there a main reason it has come down to divorce?
Click to expand...
Sorry for the late response. This may sound as if I'm lying but I promise I'm not. We have gone and it's helped for a while and then we both started falling back to neglecting what made us better (I think) but like I told my wife she'd rather go out (clubbing, partying, drinking, which honestly I don't see a huge problem with WHEN YOU'RE NOT MARRIED!) Especially when we're on thin ice as it is. Like we'd made plans to go out this weekend and she suddenly made plans to go out, mind you I haven't seen my wife let alone had a conversation with her in over three months, I was excited to spend time with her, it's humiliating that she obviously didn't feel the same lol.
 
C

Camelot

Member
#8
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#8
oldethennew said:
there are always 'two' sides to each and every story ever written:
Click to expand...
There are, would you like to hear hers? Lol I'm not sure what you're implying or what your reason was for making that statement. Even if I'd done horribly wrong which I'd never said I was perfect however my point in this post was "How to let go." Perhaps you should reread or not respond with irrelevancy because this wasn't a finger pointing post, I'm discussing how I FEEL where I am.
 
N

NewWine

Guest
#9
#9
Want to get over her? Walk away and don't look back. Deal with her only for the kids' sakes, but nothing more. Time, prayer and more time will take care of the rest. Feel like talking to her? Pray. Walk the dog in the rain. Buy some crayons and color. Start a new hobby...whatever you have to do to resist the urge.
I don't necessarily think this is best for you(I don't have enough info to say, and I am not you nor your wife), but if this is what you want, that's how I would do it.
 
O

oldethennew

Banned
#10
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,972
113
#10
you filed for a divorce after (3)months? because you didn't hear from her for (2)months?
you say she is cooperating with you over the children? but, your are totally innocent of
any cause that she may feel for acting out the way that she is?

i really don't know what you are asking of us here, most of us who go through hard times
certainly put a lot more into saving a marriage than what you have implied that you don't want
to 'give-up?

mores's cook on the stove here than what you have been sharing...

put your whole heart into what you really want, and don't ever blame another for
the actions that you have decided to take...her hurt and anger are coming from somewhere,
if not from you, then have you figured out where they may have come from?
have you asked her?

hub and i are praying for you and your wife and children and all of those who are trying to help you...

always remember, Jesus knows all in all and if the Truth is a priority, then one can be set free,
otherwise, one's life will always continue upon the lies one tells themselves and others, and one
will never, ever, find any kind of peace or freedom to lead a Godly inspired life...
 
A

AmmaBev

Guest
#11
#11
Instead of trying to be the "nice guy", why not be brutally honest with her. Since you didn't tell her why you wanted a divorce, it seems you are afraid of sharing your feelings with her. From your letter you did say you feel judged by her so that would be a good place to begin. I like using the "I messages": I feel judged when you tell me I did something wrong when I didn't know it was, etc. Another example would be "I feel sad when I think of life without you as I like being around you". Ask her questions like how do you picture life without me in house and raising our children alone? If meeting at a restaurant is awkward, get take-out and take a walk through the park.

I get the impression you have some guilt in your life? If that is true, talk it over with God. He sent His Son to take your sin and shame on the cross and when he shouted "it is finished" you have been forgiven for every sin you ever did or thought or will do in the future. Check out 2 Cor. 5:21 He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. Accept His forgiveness this Christmas! That's the best gift ever, and you will feel a freedom to be real and truthful with your wife. If you would seek out a Bible believing church family, you would be greatly strengthened in your faith and won't need a divorce! AmmaBev
 
C

Camelot

Member
#12
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#12
oldethennew said:
you filed for a divorce after (3)months? because you didn't hear from her for (2)months?
you say she is cooperating with you over the children? but, your are totally innocent of
any cause that she may feel for acting out the way that she is?

i really don't know what you are asking of us here, most of us who go through hard times
certainly put a lot more into saving a marriage than what you have implied that you don't want
to 'give-up?

mores's cook on the stove here than what you have been sharing...

put your whole heart into what you really want, and don't ever blame another for
the actions that you have decided to take...her hurt and anger are coming from somewhere,
if not from you, then have you figured out where they may have come from?
have you asked her?

hub and i are praying for you and your wife and children and all of those who are trying to help you...

always remember, Jesus knows all in all and if the Truth is a priority, then one can be set free,
otherwise, one's life will always continue upon the lies one tells themselves and others, and one
will never, ever, find any kind of peace or freedom to lead a Godly inspired life...
Click to expand...
Obviously there's more to it. We've been somewhat separated since June as we were both trying to move our family to her home state. The moment she got there she seemingly changed her mind about a lot. I understand this is hard to believe because I'm living in it and can not figure out for the life of me what has her so "angry." I was finally able to land a job out there and left my job so that we'd all be together but dreaded the move because her mother has caused so much chaos in our marriage I knew the moment we moved there we were ruined but I went through with it anyways and sure enough it did not last a week. (Reference back to my older posts) since that time it has been 3 months. Judge me all you want that doesn't bother me at this point, I've been called everything under the sun by her family, and yes I HAD to file papers mainly because I had absolutely no contact with my children due to it and with state jurisdiction restriction laws I had to act fast or my kids would be out of my life no telling how long. My wife expressed to me herself two days ago after spending a few days together this week that she will never be able to have any relationship or a friendship with her friends as long as her mom is around. There's absolutely nothing I van do about that. If my wife isn't strong enough to stand up to her mother and prove her love for me I can't make it work. It takes two.
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#13
#13
It boggles the mind that her mom would have that much control of her life.

Take the kids and get out of the toxic environment, maybe then she will find strength to leave also.

Will keep your family in prayer.
 
C

Camelot

Member
#14
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#14
NewWine said:
Want to get over her? Walk away and don't look back. Deal with her only for the kids' sakes, but nothing more. Time, prayer and more time will take care of the rest. Feel like talking to her? Pray. Walk the dog in the rain. Buy some crayons and color. Start a new hobby...whatever you have to do to resist the urge.
I don't necessarily think this is best for you(I don't have enough info to say, and I am not you nor your wife), but if this is what you want, that's how I would do it.
Click to expand...
I hear you, I don't think it's best for me either or her but I can't make her want me and she's made it clear that she doesn't want to be married. So I don't know what else I can do to keep her.
 
C

Camelot

Member
#15
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#15
oldethennew said:
you filed for a divorce after (3)months? because you didn't hear from her for (2)months?
you say she is cooperating with you over the children? but, your are totally innocent of
any cause that she may feel for acting out the way that she is?

i really don't know what you are asking of us here, most of us who go through hard times
certainly put a lot more into saving a marriage than what you have implied that you don't want
to 'give-up?

mores's cook on the stove here than what you have been sharing...

put your whole heart into what you really want, and don't ever blame another for
the actions that you have decided to take...her hurt and anger are coming from somewhere,
if not from you, then have you figured out where they may have come from?
have you asked her?

hub and i are praying for you and your wife and children and all of those who are trying to help you...

always remember, Jesus knows all in all and if the Truth is a priority, then one can be set free,
otherwise, one's life will always continue upon the lies one tells themselves and others, and one
will never, ever, find any kind of peace or freedom to lead a Godly inspired life...
Click to expand...
Thank you though. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to be married. Literally. She's told me that she no longer desires to be in a marriage or a relationship. She has told me that she doesn't want me, she can't stand me etc etc and of course I understand that some of that comes from hurt I've caused her, I mean if I knew she wanted me but just needed to blow off steam sure I'll deal with it but she just doesn't seem interested in staying married. By the way me and her are great friends, when we are together man things are great, and that's only because I do everything I can not to give in to her rage but i will lighten the tense vibes with jokes, laughter and music and it's honestly been helping. I text her every morning and every night saying i love you. But I can't seem to fight against all of the negative influence she's surrounded by now, she just doesn't want marriage and I can't MAKE her stay.
 
C

Camelot

Member
#16
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#16
Ariel82 said:
It boggles the mind that her mom would have that much control of her life.

Take the kids and get out of the toxic environment, maybe then she will find strength to leave also.

Will keep your family in prayer.
Click to expand...
We've already had our custody hearing which was why I filed ultimately.... I told the judge I preferred the kids to live with her because I could never take the kids from their mom.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.