I need Marriage Advice

Ladykaytoo · Nov 29, 2016

Hello this is my first thread and I am in need of marriage advice from a Christian point of view. This is going to be long...I have lots to say.

When I was in high school my life was all about God, church, missions trips, and youth group.

I fell into a bad habit of being an compulsive liar for attention. It got so bad that a huge wall was built between God and I and my heart was hardened. I stopped attending church and having a personal daily relationship with the Lord. Soon after high school I met my husband, sadly when we met I told many lies. He figured out my lies after being together for a few months and I came clean, told him all the truths and asked God for forgiveness and help.

Because of the guilt I was feeling about putting him through terrible lies I ignored many red flags. So almost 8 years later we are married with two kids and I am very unhappy.

I keep praying and praying for change.

My husband has a very addictive personality. Three main ones alcohol, pot, and sex. He has always been pushy about sex. He has to have porn everyday which bothers me very much. I think porn is very wrong. He says he will stop watching porn if I perform more for him. He already has a rule that I must have sex with him every three days. Weather I like it or not. If I dont want to do anything on that third day he gets really pissed off and makes me feel like I am not a good wife and will turn to porn in front of me.

I have cought him texting two women on separate occasions asking for nude pictures. He got pictures from one and the other said no. He thinks it is no big deal because he never touched them in real life. I still feel cheated on. Like he doesn't care about me and my feelings.

We started going to church together about a year ago and he talked about a lot of change and wanting to live a life for the Lord. I just dont think he is serious about what he says. He did quit drinking in April because I told him if he drank again I was leaving, but always says stuff like "a rum and coke would be nice today" in front of his friends while looking at me. He also said he was going to quit smoking pot and he did for a couple of weeks, but he is back at it.

He's not a mean person. He has never hit me or been abusive. I know divorce is bad in the eyes of God. I don't want to divorce him, but I don't know how much more of the "addictions" I can handle.

So I just keep praying. I have no one to talk to and I don't know what I want other than to live my life for the Lord.

Any encouragement is helpful...books to read, Bible verses, and anything else.

Thank you, God Bless

LanceA · Nov 29, 2016

Ladykaytoo said:

Hello this is my first thread and I am in need of marriage advice from a Christian point of view. This is going to be long...I have lots to say.

When I was in high school my life was all about God, church, missions trips, and youth group.

I fell into a bad habit of being an compulsive liar for attention. It got so bad that a huge wall was built between God and I and my heart was hardened. I stopped attending church and having a personal daily relationship with the Lord. Soon after high school I met my husband, sadly when we met I told many lies. He figured out my lies after being together for a few months and I came clean, told him all the truths and asked God for forgiveness and help.

Because of the guilt I was feeling about putting him through terrible lies I ignored many red flags. So almost 8 years later we are married with two kids and I am very unhappy.

I keep praying and praying for change.

My husband has a very addictive personality. Three main ones alcohol, pot, and sex. He has always been pushy about sex. He has to have porn everyday which bothers me very much. I think porn is very wrong. He says he will stop watching porn if I perform more for him. He already has a rule that I must have sex with him every three days. Weather I like it or not. If I dont want to do anything on that third day he gets really pissed off and makes me feel like I am not a good wife and will turn to porn in front of me.

I have cought him texting two women on separate occasions asking for nude pictures. He got pictures from one and the other said no. He thinks it is no big deal because he never touched them in real life. I still feel cheated on. Like he doesn't care about me and my feelings.

We started going to church together about a year ago and he talked about a lot of change and wanting to live a life for the Lord. I just dont think he is serious about what he says. He did quit drinking in April because I told him if he drank again I was leaving, but always says stuff like "a rum and coke would be nice today" in front of his friends while looking at me. He also said he was going to quit smoking pot and he did for a couple of weeks, but he is back at it.

He's not a mean person. He has never hit me or been abusive. I know divorce is bad in the eyes of God. I don't want to divorce him, but I don't know how much more of the "addictions" I can handle.

So I just keep praying. I have no one to talk to and I don't know what I want other than to live my life for the Lord.

Any encouragement is helpful...books to read, Bible verses, and anything else.

Thank you, God Bless

Hi and welcome. Sorry that you are having to deal with this. Have you tried to speak to your pastor about this? Sometimes having a third person involved can get someone to open up more. Besides focusing on the Lord and staying in His Word it is really hard to give advice.

How good is your relationship with the Lord? Are there areas of your life you need to work on? How often do you pray and spend time in the Word?

Has your husband actually given his life to the Lord or did he just start going to church with you?

I will pray for you and your husband. I am thankful he hasn't been physically abusive to you but psychological abuse can be even more devastating. Stay strong and focus on God. God Bless

PrynceNY · Nov 29, 2016

As the lord said in Matthew 5:28 - But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Pornography & lusting after nude images is wrong in the eyes of the Lord. Hopefully your husband realises that. If he's serious about serving the Lord he has to give up smoking, drinking & etc completely. As the Lord said in Matthew 16:24 - Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. Your husband has to deny himself of all the sinful temptations of this world to follow Christ.

Depleted · Nov 29, 2016

Ladykaytoo said:

He wouldn't have quit drinking if he didn't care about you. He wouldn't have tried quitting smoking pot if he didn't care about you, so, yeah, divorce isn't the answer.

Do you live in a state where pot is legal? If not, the law might help. You have two kids in a house with marijuana. Since they are young kids, they could eat it. Not good! And even if they don't eat it, what does that teach them?

He changes for you, even if it's only begrudgingly. Set the ultimatum and be willing to do what you say. Tell him if he doesn't quit smoking and quit with the porn, then you're going to call the cops on the pot. And if that only produces him keeping the pot elsewhere, then tell him if he keeps up with the porn, expect to find a suitcase at the front door after you change the locks that day. (You don't move out. You have the kids. He moves out, until he can get his act together.)

Can you afford rehab? It might cost that. Yeah, I'm the addictive personality too. I just had to change the additions to something healthier and more godly. (Alas, God hasn't given me the strength to counter cigs yet.) He needs to learn that. And you need to learn how to not enable him.

This doesn't mean divorce. This means either have him change now by a threat, or kick him out until he is willing to change. (Really, it usually happens when there is no choice but to change, but this is you contributing to that moment.)

He does love you. Addiction is a tough task master.

Ladykaytoo · Nov 29, 2016

He says he was saved as a kids. It is just his actions don't reflect that. I just want my house to be Godly.

I pray daily and ready the Bible three times a week. Go to church Wednesday's and Sunday's.

We have a family counsellor but when we talk about stuff with her he acts like nothing is a big deal and has nothing to change.

He can be a very sweet person and I know he loves me. Just don't want to be the rock for our family anymore. He says I knew this was the way he was before we got married. Which is true, but my eyes have been opened to the many sins of our life. Sometimes it just seems like it would be easier to leave and be on my own, but I make that commitment to him and want to work hard to keep it. When is "enough" enough though?

MessageOfTheCross · Nov 29, 2016

God has chosen to operate His work from the basis of faith. "The Law of the Spirit of Life in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:2) is God's prescribed order of victory for the Believer over sin, the world, the flesh, and the Devil. This means that the Believer must maintained Faith exclusively in Christ and His Finished Work, i.e., The Cross, i.e., The Blood of Jesus. This allows the Holy Spirit to help us as we grow in grace and change us into Christlikeness. The Holy Spirit only works in the parameters of Jesus Christ and His Finished Work at Calvary's Cross. Only the Holy Spirit can mortify the deeds of the flesh (Romans 8:13).

Only the Holy Spirit which is the power source can mortify the deeds of the flesh and transform us into Christlikeness (Romans 8:13). Humility and obedience starts with following God's prescribe order of victory which is "The Law Of The Spirit Of Life In Christ Jesus", i.e., Faith exclusively in Christ and His Finished Work, i.e., The Cross, i.e., The Blood of Jesus.

Paul also makes it very clear in Romans 8:10 that the physical body has been rendered helpless because of the Fall; consequently, the Believer trying to overcome by willpower presents a fruitless task. Only the Holy Spirit can make us what we ought to be, which means we cannot do it ourselves; once again, He performs all that He does within the confines of the Finished Work of Christ.

If you miss the main thing, than all the work you do is in vain. Without faith the information flow stops, ceases, lessens, drips, rather than being full force with more data on God fulfilling what His word proclaims He will and can do.

If you miss the main thing, than all the work you do is in vain. Without faith the information flow stops, ceases, lessens, drips, rather than being full force with more data on God fulfilling what His word proclaims He will and can do.

Remember, God only awards righteousness by maintaining faith exclusively in Christ and His Finished Work. Romans 4:5

The Holy Spirit, He Works strictly within the parameters of the "Finished Work" i.e., "the Cross of Christ", which demands that our Faith be exclusively in the Cross of Christ. The reason is simple, that's were the price was paid, and the victory was forever won (Romans 6:1-14; 1 Cor. 2:2; Gal. 5; Gal. 6:14; Eph. 2:13-18; Col. 2:14-15).

The Holy Spirit doesn't require much of us, but He does require one thing, and without reservation. Our Faith must be exclusively be in Christ and the Cross, understanding that this is God's Prescribed Order of Victory. When we stay "victory" we are speaking Victory in every capacity, be it spiritual, financial, domestically, physical, etc. God's Prescribed Order of Victory is "the Cross of Christ."

The Way Of The Spirit
Focus: The Lord Jesus Christ (John 14:6)
Object Of Faith: The Cross of Christ (Romans 6:1-14)
Power Source: The Holy Spirit (Romans 8:1-2, 11)
Results: Victory (Romans 6:14)

Man's Way
Focus: Works.
Object Of Faith: Performance.
Power Source: Self.
Results: Defeat!

If a Christian will and your efforts to live for God is in anything except Christ and the Cross, Satan can override your will and force you to do things you don't want to do and trying not to do. Jesus said deny self and pick up your cross and follow me.

The only way to God is through Jesus Christ (John 14:6)...the only way to Jesus Christ is by the Means of the Cross (Luke 14:27). The only way to the Cross is a denial of self (Luke 9:23). If any person tries to come any other way, Jesus says, "they are a thief and a robber" (John 10:1).

1. Jesus Christ is the source of all blessings.
2. The Cross is the means by which all blessings are given.
3. The object of our faith must be Christ and the Cross.
4. That being done, the Holy Spirit will greatly help us.

Everything that man does dies; everything Jesus does lives forever and is blessed. Psalm 1:3 John 15:5

tourist · Nov 29, 2016

Your husband's behavior is on the texts is totally inappropriate but perhaps in his state of mind it is not cheating. If he is serious about the drinking problem he should consider attending AA meetings. I don't believe that his pot smoking is helping your marriage either.

Is he still attending church with you? I'm not a big fan on marriage counseling but with the many challenges in your marriage it may be beneficial. Of course, this is as a couple and not by yourself.

I think that basically, your husband is cold and insensitive to your needs and desires. I recommend Proverbs and Psalms. Glad to have you join our family. Hopefully, this site can be a safe haven for you and provide you with a certain measure of comfort and understanding.

Welcome to CC.

MessageOfTheCross · Nov 29, 2016

MessageOfTheCross said:

If faith is not maintain exclusively in Christ and His Finished Work, i.e., The Cross, i.e., The BLOOD of Jesus, the works of the flesh will manifest. Let me repeat what I said on previous threads;

Paul tells us this in the 5th Chapter of Galatians. The entire Book of Galatians, but especially the 5th Chapter, is a warning from Paul to the Church at Galatia, which is also meant for us. The warning is that if they place their faith in anything except “Christ and Him Crucified,” that “Christ shall profit you nothing” (Gal. 5:2).

The Apostle goes on to say that if the Believer doesn’t adhere to the Way of the Spirit, which is the Way of the Cross, then works of the flesh will manifest themselves. He said:

“Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the Kingdom of God” (Gal. 5:19-21).

Now let me say it again, because it is so very important:
If the Believer doesn’t understand the Cross of Christ, as it regards Sanctification, then, in some way, one or more of these “works of the flesh” are going to manifest themselves in his life. As stated, such is inevitable! The first four, “Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, and lasciviousness,” are obvious and easily understood. But the modern Christian quickly dismisses “idolatry, witchcraft, and heresies,” thinking they do not really apply today.

Depleted · Nov 29, 2016

Ladykaytoo said:

I was saved when I got into drugs. Never underestimate the stupidity of people.

When is enough enough? When he says it's time for a divorce. Give him the chance through the ultimatum. I admire the guy for quitting drinking. I admire him for quitting pot for two weeks. Give him the impetus to do more. AND if he cannot -- and he really may not be able to -- be willing to have him go into rehab. There isn't a manual on what to do if you quit, and sometimes we could really need that along with support. As long as you can get him to the point of admitting he has a problem and is willing to do something about it, then, for heaven's sake, get him the help he needs.

He has two things going for him that most addicts don't have -- a loving family and God. That is HUGE!

One other thing, don't have him go through teen challenge. It's a Christian rehab that teaches people to muscle themselves out of it. Impossible, and purely legalism without a need for God. Better a non Christian outfit, because they have a better success rate.

presidente · Nov 30, 2016

On the sex issue, if he compells you to go one mile, go with him two.

Magenta · Nov 30, 2016

Ladykaytoo said:

He doesn't. How much more proof do you need?

Magenta · Nov 30, 2016

Ladykaytoo said:

You are in quite a bit of denial. Massive amounts, actually.

Magenta · Nov 30, 2016

He does not love you. He loves using and abusing you.

AmmaBev · Dec 1, 2016

It seems you have done some deep thinking about your life and how you have gotten to this point of sadness. There are several issues here I'd like to address and some questions. Is your husband wanting you to stay at home, are you being alienated from your family and friends? If so, that is a sign of abuse and control. He has addiction problems and sounds like he is trying to get relief from those various ways he lists which are all self-centered. Marriage is about loving one another, and mutually respecting them. If a person feels "forced" to do something, that is emotional abuse. Living for the Lord isn't letting yourself be a doormat for another. I'm glad you came clean about your lieing; however, you sound like you are living in guilt still - are you? If so, please consider 2 Cor. 5:21. I believe your husband needs counseling for his addictions. Could he go to your Pastor or get a referral from him? I advise you to join a Bible study with ladies that you can share with and pray with. I've been a part of a Bible study from the time I accepted the Lord 45 years ago, now that is a positive addiction!
Here are some of my favorite scriptures: Dt. 33:27 The eternal God is a dwelling place and underneath are the everlasting arms., Is 55: You will go out with joy and be led forth with peace, the mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you and all the trees of the field will clap their hands Jeremiah 31: I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness. Again I will build you and you shall be rebuilt. Again you shall go forth to the dances of the merrymakers. Please meditate on these scriptures and picture yourself in the middle of them. AmmaBev

Balcan · Dec 1, 2016

I didn't read all answers, but...Your body is not your body any more, by scripture, neither his body. Every three days, i mean, really? If your husband wants sex every night, you should give him. You have to be changed if you are a christian, you can not change him, only Holy spirit can. I want sometimes 5-6 sex per week, and my wife do not want every time, but she do that for me. Ofcourse that he will piss of, lol, 2 times peer week, that is for old guys, 55, 60 y. You have first to give, so you could receive.

Sac555 · Dec 1, 2016

Dear ladykaytoo...
I understand your frustration, and although it seems like (and may be) a long road, it does seem like there are a few changes for the good. Your counselor isn't making headway, so change to another. Perhaps you could ask at your church for a counselor or suggestions. His sex needs sound normal...but not his demands...that issue needs to be dealt with as we all know that we as women work best off of emotional stability and protection, not as a sex goddess to be conquered. One year when my husband was going through mid life crisis he wanted sex all the time, started into porn, and stopped with reading his bible and everything. We went to a Christian counselor and it helped him see my side too...I didn't know what to do, except pray...my words weren't getting through either. You both seem to love each other, just some tweaking that he may need to learn to do. Guys aren't always taught how to treat their wives. Here is a good article about dealing wiith porn from one person's question..Pornography as Grounds for Divorce. They also have a phone number for a counselor if that helps. Praying great things for you and your family...you will be a testimony to others..praying and expecting great things from God! He loves marriage and is the designer of it!

Ladykaytoo · Dec 1, 2016

I am living with guilt about the lieing. When we met he thought I had cancer (along with other lies) and I did not.That is a terrible thing to lie about and I do feel very guilty that I told people that and people where very worried about me. It was a very low point in my life and I am still working on forgiving myself for that chapter in my life. He says the only reason he got with me was to make me happy before I died and when he found out that it was lies he stayed with me. Which showed me 1. he loved me and 2. He wouldnt leave me over anything.

After we were together for about a year he got very controlling about me going out with my girlfriends because he thought I was going to get drunk (I do not even drink) and cheat on him. So I just stopped making plans with friends and they knew I would give an excuse about not joining them. So I basically have one friend who is very self centered and I can't really talk to about my problems. He doesn't like it when I go anywhere without him and he says the reason is he has high anxiety because if something bad were to happen he wouldnt be there to keep me safe. He also says that he has changed and will let me go out if I want to...but I haven't even tried...1 because I have no friends and 2. I dont want him to say I can go but get mad at me for doing it afterwards.

I go to church but every Bible study I have he is in it with me. I would like more female Christian friends to lean on and talk to. I feel very lonely in my current situation.

He can't keep me away from my family and has never tried. He complains that they are around too much but they are all I have. I think a lot of what is going on is because of his past with other woman. It just hurts that he doesn't take me for me. Like know who I am and what my morals are. I love him. We have kids together but on the same note I am tired of being a doormat. I am praying and want to go to christian counseling together. I know God will point me in the right direction.

NicoleWilliams · Dec 1, 2016

Any encouragement is helpful...books to read, Bible verses, and anything else.

Thank you, God Bless[/QUOTE]

Hi, Ladykaytoo. I am so sorry to hear about the pain in your marriage – I can only imagine what you’re going through because of your husband. Have you considered counseling? I think it would be a good idea if you and your husband can seek Christian counseling together. It will be very helpful because you will find support and accountability. Also, I heard this book, Last Addiction: Why Self-Help is Not Enough, by Sharon Hersh is a good read in situations like these. I really hope that you will quickly find a solution to your situation. Remember, God loves you and your husband with an incomprehensible love and cares deeply about the quality of your marriage. Just said a prayer for you. Hugs!

Ladykaytoo · Dec 6, 2016

I feel so torn. I want to work it out with him but I feel so trapped.

blue_ladybug · Dec 6, 2016

Just to clarify, is he your husband, or boyfriend? Either way, alot of men are controlling of their women. It gives a sense of power and entitlement. If he says he's okay with you going and doing stuff, then go and do it. It's his own fault for getting mad.. Personally he sounds like a selfish spoiled brat. :/

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