Marriage advice/encouragment and lots of prayers please

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Cmartin0314

Guest
#1
#1
I'm new here. I'm not one to ask for help or put my problems out there. And my problems seem very minut to lots but in my home and life they are problems.
I find it very difficult to talk to my husband about my feelings. Anytime I bring up anything that has bothered me or what I feel about a situation we are discussing, he gets completely defensive and starts telling me how I'm trying to change him. I am in no way trying to change him.. I only want him to realize when he is getting upset with me and rude to me after someone else upsets him. In the past he had anger issues, which he has come a long way from. He has 2 ex-wives that took advantage of him and basically hardened his heart to where he doesn't allow me in much. I've told him that it's not fair that I pay for the way they treated him. We go to church together, have our separate quiet time with God, try to teach our kids right, and for the most part we get along good. But any time I open my mouth about how I feel about something it's an immediate argument. I have prayed and prayed that God work in us each individually and as a couple. There are just some days I don't feel like my prayers get very far.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#2
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#2
If he's not willing to listen when you want to talk, maybe you could write it down in a journal or diary. At least then you can get your feelings out without angering your husband.
 
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Cmartin0314

Guest
#3
#3
Thank you... good idea! That's what i use to do before i finally learned to open up and talk about my concerns and feelings, but it seems since I have learned to open mouth it's that much harder to keep it closed! LOL
I will definitely go back to trying that though! Thank you :)
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#4
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#4
You're welcome. :)


Cmartin0314 said:
Thank you... good idea! That's what i use to do before i finally learned to open up and talk about my concerns and feelings, but it seems since I have learned to open mouth it's that much harder to keep it closed! LOL
I will definitely go back to trying that though! Thank you :)
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H

Hellooo

Guest
#5
#5
Sometimes when you're interacting with someone who gets defensive in a conversation, a good tactic is to write them a letter...so you get your concerns out and he has time to process everything without waiting to interrupt.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#6
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
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#6
Lots of times when women talk about their feelings, its usually about something they're not satisfied with, something they need, a complaint or demand for change. "We need to talk" is an abbreviation for "trouble", it generally means they want something, i.e; this bothers me, its your fault and you've got to change or fix it.

Its normal for people to complain when they're not happy about something, but they inadvertently obligate their partner to make adjustments to appease them. This can come-off like manipulation, and he might think your the 3rd wife exploiting or taking advantage of him, so he automatically gets defensive. The trick may be to not express your feelings in the form of a complaint, e.g; I've never liked the color of this room is different from requiring him to paint the room. His defensiveness is probably a result of the burden that your 'feelings' place on him?

I use to have a dozen women work for me and whenever one of them said that they needed to talk to me, I always groaned because it was never anything good. My immediate reaction was; "What in the world does she want now?" I guess my point is that men have a difficult time differentiating "feelings" from "nagging". :)
 
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jennymae

Guest
#7
#7
Dan58 said:
Lots of times when women talk about their feelings, its usually about something they're not satisfied with, something they need, a complaint or demand for change. "We need to talk" is an abbreviation for "trouble", it generally means they want something, i.e; this bothers me, its your fault and you've got to change or fix it.

Its normal for people to complain when they're not happy about something, but they inadvertently obligate their partner to make adjustments to appease them. This can come-off like manipulation, and he might think your the 3rd wife exploiting or taking advantage of him, so he automatically gets defensive. The trick may be to not express your feelings in the form of a complaint, e.g; I've never liked the color of this room is different from requiring him to paint the room. His defensiveness is probably a result of the burden that your 'feelings' place on him?

I use to have a dozen women work for me and whenever one of them said that they needed to talk to me, I always groaned because it was never anything good. My immediate reaction was; "What in the world does she want now?" I guess my point is that men have a difficult time differentiating "feelings" from "nagging". :)
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Oh, just stop that nagging and moaning and fix that darn fence;).
 
Tommy379

Tommy379

Notorious Member
#8
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,151
113
#8
Dan58 said:
Lots of times when women talk about their feelings, its usually about something they're not satisfied with, something they need, a complaint or demand for change. "We need to talk" is an abbreviation for "trouble", it generally means they want something, i.e; this bothers me, its your fault and you've got to change or fix it.

Its normal for people to complain when they're not happy about something, but they inadvertently obligate their partner to make adjustments to appease them. This can come-off like manipulation, and he might think your the 3rd wife exploiting or taking advantage of him, so he automatically gets defensive. The trick may be to not express your feelings in the form of a complaint, e.g; I've never liked the color of this room is different from requiring him to paint the room. His defensiveness is probably a result of the burden that your 'feelings' place on him?

I use to have a dozen women work for me and whenever one of them said that they needed to talk to me, I always groaned because it was never anything good. My immediate reaction was; "What in the world does she want now?" I guess my point is that men have a difficult time differentiating "feelings" from "nagging". :)
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I don't think it would make a difference if she is the 3rd wife, 1st wife, or 12th, men don't like hearing that they suck from their women.
 
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Cmartin0314

Guest
#9
#9
Thanks for all your replies.. I can see and understand when I'm nagging, not saying I don't do it from time to time. But that is one area I've tried to really work on. And when something is bothering me or I need to talk about something, I never flat out put it on him. I'm at a loss on how to talk to him anymore. Prayer and patience is all I can come up with.
 
Joidevivre

Joidevivre

Senior Member
#10
Jul 15, 2014
3,838
271
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#10
It could be that your husband just does not know how to respond to you emotionally - unable to do so -and because of that, he might get angry or say you are arguing. He is probably frustrated, and anger is the easiest outlet for that.

Don't expect from him what he can't give. Find a girlfriend to bare your feelings. And love the things that your husband can and does provide you with.

What I learned in many years of marriage is that husbands just can't be "everything" to you. And I also learned that the first place to take feelings is right to the Lord in prayer. And sit awhile - you just might see things differently (from God's perspective) or given some comforting thoughts. We are told to "pour our hearts out before the Lord" for a reason. He is the Comforter, the counselor and listens to even what is not said.
 
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dannyboy7603

Guest
#11
#11
Men typically try to fix things. It's in our nature. So when one complains, belittles, expresses hurt feelings, what the guy hears is that you are not happy with them and (that fix it part of the brain kicks in) and we think you are trying to change us.

So I guess the question is, what is your ultimate goal? Can you give some specific examples?
 
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dannyboy7603

Guest
#12
#12
To clarify what I mean in asking for your ultimate goal...

Is it your purpose for him to understand how you feel?
Is it your purpose for him to understand how you feel and want him to change the way he is making you feel? (which by the way is trying to change him).

Be honest with yourself in what it is you want him to understand or what you want to achieve. It's okay if you want him to change. In fact, it's common for people to spend the first 14-15 years of marriage trying to 'change' their partner into who they want them to be, rather than loving them for who they are.

If he has been in marriages before where his partner wanted him to change, I dare say it's a sensitive issue and perhaps he feels like people don't love him for who he is. So I might suggest a completely different approach. I think you know that the way you've approached this previously upset him, so learn from that and find a different approach.

If someone upsets him and he takes it out on you, I know this will sound weird, in a way he feels safe with you. He feels like he can let out his frustrations (which is how he deals with it) around you because you are his wife and he feels safe to do so. So as strange as this may sound, he loves you enough to feel safe around you to let out his frustrations of other things. However...
This doesn't mean that you need to take it on board. Things that are said in this 'state of frustration' is probably not going to be rationale. So approach it differently.
Can I suggest a "PASS". What is a pass?
I give my wife a pass every single month when she is PMSing. Anything that she says, is like water off a ducks back. I don't accept any of it, it's 'Pass Day', and I will not hold any grudges or even remember anything that she says during this time. Likewise, I might suggest something similar when he is venting his frustration.

These are just some tips based on very little information about your situation but I hope that helps.
 
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AmmaBev

Guest
#13
#13
Men in particular are afraid of feelings as they are hard to fix and husbands like to fix things. Apparently, in your case, he's sensitive to the anger issue in his life and doesn't like talking about it. When you said you tell him your feelings, do you say it in a non-threatening way, ie. i felt afraid when you yelled at me because the dinner was late. You would be emphasizing your feelings of fear rather than his anger. Your motive would be to say how his anger impacted you, no judgment on his anger.
Here is an article that could help you:Learn to Identify Your Emotions | Focus on the Family
 
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workinprogress

Guest
#14
#14
blue_ladybug said:
If he's not willing to listen when you want to talk, maybe you could write it down in a journal or diary. At least then you can get your feelings out without angering your husband.
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Great advice - write it down and ask him to read it when its convenient for him. That might be the best solution unless he refuses to read.
 
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