Please offer your opinion of this situation:

workinprogress · Dec 12, 2016

Everything is great... happy joy cooking dinner. Your deep frying fries for dinner and a drop of water falls into the boiling oil and explodes all over your arm - you jump dropping everything and scream in pain - your spouse asks with no sense of urgency taking time to get off the chair and asks "are you ok?" (Like it's not obvious) In agony and super frustration you yell out "no im not ok"!! Skin is burning tears pouring involuntary from pain oil everywhere a huge mess... instead of providing assistance your spouse acts like you just cursed them and respond "why are you yelling at me?! ....You say in tears "I'm yelling because I'm in pain" to which spouse replies "you deserve it" because I yelled and leaves. You end up having to clean the mess, finish the cooking in pain with a burn while your spouse acts like you deeply hurt them for yelling "no I'm not okay". ?!?
I was deeply hurt emotionally by his actions which I think deserve an apology. Next day spouse acts like nothing happened. Refusing to listen to any reasoning of why he was wrong turning his back on an injury providing no help or sympathy. Complete denial. No apology. Still feels his actions were justified because "I yelled" and if I bring it up because I want him to get that he acted so rudely he says "don't go there" like Im suppose to brush it under the rug and just let him get away with this and all other similar occurrences. Please tell me what you think... Was it so offensive that I yelled out "no im not ok" in the midst of this accident??
Who is wrong here? What is your judgement of this situation? Is this like totally not acceptable or am I crazy?! Am I wrong in being upset?

And most importantly if I brush this under the rug as I've done before am I hurting myself in the long run? Because the more I brush and move on the more he acts rudely without feeling any guilt or need to apologize.

Demi777 · Dec 12, 2016

to ever say to a person ''you deserve it'' is just a nogo. You could get seriously hurt and he is not taking his responsibility as the head of the household to protect and care for you. He has no excuse of not helping you. What if you broke bones?
He is weak and not taking his responsibility. I would have yelled too. You can of course apologize but HE also has quite a bit to apologize for to and talk to God about to. Are you okay?
And its abuse what he is doing. He is psychologically and emotionally (and in the end physically as it all comes down to your physical health) abusing you too

workinprogress · Dec 12, 2016

Yes the burn has healed it happened few weeks ago actually. I don't think I need to apologize - I tried to explain that me yelling "no im not ok" is normal reaction... imagine your holding something heavy and about to drop it and yell "take it take it" for the other person to just say "no i wont help because you yelled at me "take it" It is just so ridiculous - isn't it??

Demi777 · Dec 12, 2016

ridiculous isnt even the word to describe this.. Its mean and unfair.. What drives me up the wall is tha fact that burns..especially oil can be VERY dangerous. And this.. I dont have any words to describe the way I think and feel about this. He needs some Testosterone pills.
I dont even want to think about how I would have acted. I think he could have cooked his own food that week. Good grief what a mess. God bless you sister

workinprogress said:

Depleted · Dec 12, 2016

workinprogress said:

You're wrong! (Read on, because that's not as bad as it sounds.)

You're wrong because you think this is a judgement. And that's probably how you went after him. It's not a judgement. It's a marriage.

Spouse A acts like blahblahblah, and Spouse B wants him to stop acting like that. Well, no kidding! It is clear by the tone of the voice to Spouse A what Spouse B wants, but where is that coming from and why should Spouse A change?

Do you ever change simply because someone wants you to and you don't even know why? And do you change if Spouse B yells at you and then expects you to remember it from Spouse B's perspective a day later? And if Spouse B is doing nothing but yelling at you for not understanding, even if B goes off and runs down the entire event, do you really care while you're being yelled at?

No, I'm not talking about yelling in pain. I suspect that same attitude exuded from you the rest of the night and you were expecting him to use his telepathy to know what you were thinking and then apologize. And then when the telepathy thingy didn't work, you fumed over it until you fell asleep that night and carried it all the way to the moment you figured out his telepathy is offline, and threw it in his face. Was he right? Who cares? If marriage is nothing but who is right and who is wrong, it's not much of a marriage.

I fell down a complete set of stairs one time. I couldn't breathe and I hurt so bad, I couldn't even figure out what part of my body to grab first, and I did the only thing reasonable at that moment -- burst into tears and yelled.

Hubby comes running to the top of the stairs and asks, "Are you alright?"

I'm lying in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, the wind is knocked out of me, I'm now grabbing my elbow and head, but remember my back hurt too. What am I saying back at that moment? "Oh, peachy keen, and you?"

BUT, we talk. And we talk a lot about what we want and why as far as marriage goes. (Why is the more important thing. It is the crux of the spouse -- either A or B -- deciding if they are willing to change that one thing or not. And not is an option that leaves us deciding how we deal with it.) So, I knew what he was really asking, "Should I call an ambulance?" or "Are you going to die on me?" (A friend of ours had died a year before from falling down her stairs, so it was a possible thought.)

He kept asking it over and over again, until I could answer. Annoying. I get that, but then after I recovered enough to get back up the steps, and stopped hurting enough that OW wasn't the only thing on my mind, we talked again.

My first words were something like, "You know, it's kind of annoying to be asked if you're alright, when clearly you're not."

He laughed. And he told me what he wanted to hear. ("No need for an ambulance, and I'm alive.")

30 years since that happened, so plenty of other stories about asking, "Are you alright?" Most the time, we either shrug or give an impish look when we realize that's a dumb question, which tends to make the other give a tiny look of recognition, that the other will wait to find out.

It's going to be a question asked often in marriage. Instead of expecting the other spouse to figure out telepathically how to react, how about sitting down and telling how it affected you, instead of what he did wrong? That way, he can decide how to deal with it better the next time, instead of feeling judged and condemned for the dumb move he did make. AND, he can also tell you how it affected him, so you don't do the sulking so long yourself.

That's marriage.

BTW, heads up. No, you didn't have to finish dinner. If one of us gets hurt making dinner, we have it prearranged (from talking that out too, because it happens often enough lol) that either the other person finishes dinner, or, if dinner becomes the enemy, (like hot grease burning my arm would make it, so I wouldn't even want to eat it

), we're ordering in that night.

He doesn't have to, but neither do you. Talk it out enough and sooner or later much of it smooths out to decisions previously agreed (or disagreed) on. (He still doesn't put dirty clothes in the hamper, but at least he puts them in the same places and no where I might trip on them in the dark.)

BTW, sweeping it under the rug is a tripping hazard waiting to happen.

Depleted · Dec 12, 2016

Demi777 said:

It's not abuse! It's the same thing we all do by nature. Blame our stupidity on someone else. Particularly effective if the someone else let's it work. Never have to deal with our own stupidity.

It's going for offense when feeling defensive. Surely you've called an inanimate object stupid because you hurt yourself when you accidentally kicked it or broke it. Same deal. We'll do anything to avoid thinking we're that stupid.

He really was that stupid, but that's what surprise and helplessness does to us.

Depleted · Dec 12, 2016

workinprogress said:

And this is the tripping hazard of sweeping something under the rug. It's been weeks and you're still fuming? This just keeps building up with any perceived offense he makes until you let it go.

He forgot all about it. Good. His defense is down. Now tell him how you felt and ask him if he can come up with a better plan the next time. Because there will be a next time. And then ask him what he'd like from you when it happens to him. At least you'll know what he expects. And when the next time comes, if that plan doesn't work, (which it might not), then come up with Plan B together.

Miri · Dec 12, 2016

Sounds like PMT lol

workinprogress · Dec 12, 2016

Depleted said:

Lynn, you jumped to a conclusion I didn't stop talking and expected him to figure it out telepathically. After he left, and I finished cooking, cleaned up and tended to my burns he came back upstairs and I TALKED and I explained to him that I wasn't yelling because I was mean to him that I was yelling out of pain and frustration --- I TALKED -- or attempted to, I gave him the example of if your lifting something and yell "take it" (see above) but he refuses to talk about it, TALKING REQUIRE 2 people... Also talking will force him to admit he was wrong and apologize which he obviously avoids and is in denial. He refused to talk he refused to see things from my point of view he refused to apologize.... and weeks later if I bring it up and say "you know it was very mean that you didn't help because I yelled out in pain "im not ok" I would never do that" and instead of TALKING about it he says "Dont go there" so unfortunately I CANT TALK IT OUT I have to forget it and pretend it never happened or else he will be in a bad mood again. All I want is to talk it out, and he refuses. That is the whole point that I am expected to brush it under the rug to maintain peace.

blue_ladybug · Dec 12, 2016

I somewhat agree with Lynn (Depleted). It is ridiculous to hold onto this for so long. If hubby has forgotten about it, then you should also. And next time you fry, wear long sleeves and use potholders..

wanderer6059 · Dec 12, 2016

workinprogress said:

not trying to be rude, but what was the extent of the burn, do you have a clear wound from it like a quarter sized mark?

and what i can say is working with my fiance over two years now, both her and I had to learn our own and the otheres love language. i know mine is word, they can build me and destroy me. and like your husband i can get really hurt when people yell at me, no matter what it is about. " In agony and super frustration you yell out "no im not ok"!!" this part right here i can tell you, before i saw in myself how words effected me i would have felt pretty bad and wanted to leave to. its just a response that has to be seen. it was something i grew out of quick as a EMT (people yell at you all the time lol) but go to him, and even if its hard say sorry for yelling, but explain what you were feeling and that you needed him and he left and that hurt you too.

workinprogress · Dec 12, 2016

wanderer6059 said:

There were a bunch of tiny droplets of oil but those calmed soon after... but when fresh they burned . The worst was on my arm starting at the wrist which was about an inch wide thinning out up to about 2 inches long.. imagine a blob that is wider at bottom and thins out at the top . I had to keep my arm submerged in cold water off and on for 2 hrs to reduce the pain.

I dont know if I see a person that I supposedly love in pain, crying, even if they yell at me I would not say "you deserve it" and leave, unless they did something really awful ... but for saying "no im not ok?" that is too crazy.

When I try to explain he responds with "dont go there" so I haven't been able to talk about it or any other "issue" I am expected to move on without talking and just pretend nothing happened.... which I have been doing to keep the peace but I am noticing things are getting worse, where before time would pass emotions would calm and I was able to talk, now even weeks later - Im not suppose to mention it because he was right - his actions were justified and theres nothing to say or regret.

That is why I ask the most important question in the end - "most importantly if I brush this under the rug as I've done before am I hurting myself in the long run? Because the more I brush and move on the more he acts rudely without feeling any guilt or need to apologize."

tourist · Dec 12, 2016

workinprogress said:

You don't need to apologize for anything. Your husband acted insensitive to what happen. He should have leaped from his lazy boy chair and tended to you. If this was an isolated incident I would just let it go. Maybe he just doesn't know how to respond in these emergency situations. Either way, it was not one of his better performances as your husband.

workinprogress · Dec 12, 2016

blue_ladybug said:

I have moved on. And I have brushed it under the rug. I just wrote this one out to illustrate... but many similar things happen... and at the end I can reflect and say ok here I did this wrong I could have done it differently but he refuses to do the same. My biggest issue is he refuses to reflect and talk about things, and apologize where needed, take some responsibility for his actions...
As I said over and over I am expected to brush things under the rug and pretend like nothing happened... which is ok occasionally.... I myself believe that one needs to pick his battles... but time after time after time... I am afraid my rug will burst.

blue_ladybug · Dec 12, 2016

Then talk to him about it, calmly and quietly. Some men just don't feel they need to apologize for anything, even if they are being jerks. I've been burned by oil before so I know how much it hurts.. I would've done more than yell.. lol

workinprogress said:

melita916 · Dec 12, 2016

communication is not only verbal, but it also includes gestures, tones, facial expressions, etc.

sometimes, we feel we are expressing effectively, but the audience may be understanding something completely different. someone mentioned about the 5 love languages. it's a fantastic book! i recommend it. i read recently a book called things i wish i'd known before we got married, which is by the same author, dr. gary chapman. in it, he also mentioned there are apology languages. we all speak one. i may feel like i apologized to my fiance, but according to his apology language, maybe i didn't.

i don't claim to understand everything about marriage. i'm trying to learn as much as i can beforehand, but i'm aware there are some things i won't learn until i'm actually married. i'm sorry you're going through all this. but i DO know the Holy Spirit is always willing and available to teach us and show us the right way to handle situations

kaylagrl · Dec 12, 2016

workinprogress said:

You haven't really moved on though. You're still upset by it. Yes, he should have been more sensitive and helped you. But trying to force the issue,trying to make him apologies is making him bulk like a kid. You explained that it hurt and now its over. Some people are more reactive,they want a sorry,they want a reaction. That just may not be your husbands personality.

Yesterday I had a bad day with my family,a really bad day. I called my usually sensitive hubby to blurt all my upset to him. But a big game was on. He made the fatal mistake of saying "but the game just started" I hung up on him. Which Ive never done in the ten years Ive known him. He never called back,never texted me to apologize. Now Im hurt and mad.So today he called,Im staying with family,and I missed it and he left this message...

Hey baby I love you (gave instructions of what was needed) ok sweety I know you had a bad day yesterday and I hope you're having a better one today.

How can I be mad at that?! In my mind he was was wrong.I was right. Now I can hold onto that or I can forget it and move on. Your husband may not be great in the empathy dept. but good in other things. We all have an area we need to improve on. If we get bogged down on right and wrong I guarantee you that is a fight that will end your marriage. You can encourage empathy but you cant force him to see it your way. Praise him when he does empathize,make a big deal.He'll get it after a while.

workinprogress · Dec 12, 2016

kaylagrl said:

You haven't really moved on though. You're still upset by it. Yes, he should have been more sensitive and helped you. But trying to force the issue,trying to make him apologies is making him bulk like a kid. You explained that it hurt and now its over. Some people are more reactive,they want a sorry,they want a reaction. That just may not be your husbands personality.

Yesterday I had a bad day with my family,a really bad day. I called my usually sensitive hubby to blurt all my upset to him. But a big game was on. He made the fatal mistake of saying "but the game just started" I hung up on him. Which Ive never done in the ten years Ive known him. He never called back,never texted me to apologize. Now Im hurt and mad.So today he called,Im staying with family,and I missed it and he left this message...

Hey baby I love you (gave instructions of what was needed) ok sweety I know you had a bad day yesterday and I hope you're having a better one today.

How can I be mad at that?! In my mind he was was wrong.I was right. Now I can hold onto that or I can forget it and move on. Your husband may not be great in the empathy dept. but good in other things. We all have an area we need to improve on. If we get bogged down on right and wrong I guarantee you that is a fight that will end your marriage. You can encourage empathy but you cant force him to see it your way. Praise him when he does empathize,make a big deal.He'll get it after a while.

Wait, you hung up? and he was wrong? sorry but if you hang up your the one that needs to apologize for hanging up. And your husband left you a very nice message after you hung up on him, how nice for you!

melita916 · Dec 12, 2016

i think what ms kayla is saying is that she can either choose to stay mad or move on after he left her the nice message

correct me if i'm wrong, ms kayla lol

workinprogress · Dec 12, 2016

Right so that brings me to the most important questions, if I keep choosing to let go, not hash it out, forget it, move on.... THEN: if I continue to brush things under the rug am I hurting myself in the long run? Because the more I brush and move on the more he acts rudely without feeling any guilt or need to apologize.... its like I've let him walk all over me.

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