R
Hi all. Hope everyone is well! Although I know what life can be like. Immediately things are declared fine but there's always room for improvement right? Everyone has something in their life they wish they could improve, make better, resolve, achieve or just get done. Right?
And sometimes those things can be reaching out to people. People like family, old friends and acquaintances. Especially come this time of year when our thoughts are on other people like loved ones, family and or good friends.
Something I find myself doing more and more come this time of year. And not just for friends and acquaintances but for family in particular. In particular, my older brothers, and ashamedly to say it, my father too who've I've not spoke to in years. :/
It's a really long story, but I'm sure Jesus could simplify it easily and sum it up in one. But I walked out on my dad many years ago and haven't spoken to him since. I think it's been about 14 years now we've not spoken once. And that goes for my 3 older brothers on his side as well.
Although one of them did call me a few years and we talked and briefly which was cool but I've not spoken to him much since then. At that time I was going through some dark stuff which I never really shared with him as I didn't want him to relay that back to our dad you know?
He told me how he still speaks to him sometimes, like how he'll send a joke text to him or some funny picture or something, as people do these days. And that's cool you know, I wish I had that relationship with him but it's not like that.
Since walking out on my dad, mainly because I was confused and arrogant and thought I was right in the way I was thinking and think I was kind of rebelling against what life had for me when I wanted more out of the box.
Anyway, since then, I've been through a lot. And have done a lot of crazy stuff. Been prison a couple times for 3 months then 6 months when I was in my 20's. Was in and out of care homes before that. Managed to land on my feet but lost my girlfriend, then my job and my place and basically ended up in bedsit world on my own.
My mum, although separated from my dad, she tried to help me. And some of my brothers even let me stay with them for a while until I sorted myself out you know. But my mind was gone. Call it too much drinking and too much green and too much everything and anything else. I wasn't innocent any more, I was a man now and I was going to live fast and die young and I was determined to as well.
Sometimes I think if it wouldn't be for those early Christian fellowships I used to attend with my mum and dad before they broke up. Which is something I'll never fully be able to understand and don't unto this day why that had to happen when we was supposed to be born again Christians and all of that.
I can't believe I'm putting this out there. Call it no more space for bottling the emotions up. And knowing more than ever that I need to make changes and what's happened in the past is in the past. That only God can judge me and that all sins forgiven by Him are forgotten about and will never come to mind again. That He has separated them from me as far as the East is from the West.
And that I'm a new man now. Renewed in my mind and thinking. Older, bolder and wiser. Twice as faithful and twice as close to God than I ever was through my faith. I'm on my own walk with God now. God is my father now. God is the only love I'll ever ever need. God will never let me down. God will never forsake me. No matter how much anyone puts me down. No matter how much sin that anyone accuses or convicts me of. God will never abandon me. Never. Not as long as I have this love inside from Christ, this love that convicts me and leads me to righteousness for His name's sake!
See I never realized all of this before. But recently, God has been really talking to my heart. Gently nudging me. One of those persistent nudges that you can't shake off. Like the thorn in the flesh that Paul suffered. The kind of nudge that comes from a Father that loves you so much that he actively pursues you. Who goes out of his own way to go ahead of you and clear the path for you. If you just believe him and give him recognition of his love and great almighty power.
Wow God is really flowing through me here! Sometimes it's like I go blind and just let the Lord do his thing! But I just needed to get this off my chest. I'm sure it opens more questions than it answers and you're all like oh boy. We got a live one here lol. I know I know I know!
I just wanted to say something because I've been going through some changes lately and think it's for the better. I don't know. This is my dad I'm talking about! The only one I've got and will ever have. This is so messed up! It shouldn't be like this! Was this meant to be and was it my fate or all a part of Gods righteous and perfect plan?
Perhaps I'm just too proud. My dad was a great man. He was a Military Policeman and fought in the Falklands War. I really looked up to him. He taught me a lot of good life hacks and wisdom that no other person has ever taught me.
And since then I'm a completely different person now. And I know the way that I turned out isn't what I think he knows I could have been. Although I know that's just some negative crap! I know that's old hairy legs whispering some dumb stuff in my ear I know that.
But I don't know. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it and thinking about it too much like I always do. Perhaps one day I'll just pick up the phone and call him without even thinking too much about it. When I guess, all the pain and confusion has disappeared like a dark cloud.
But there's other stuff as well, stuff I don't even want to repeat here. Stuff that I'm still dealing with. But again, that's just obstacles isn't it? And some of them are big, I still need God to help me get over them.
God pray I will as obstacles are for scaling!
Anyway, thanks for reading. I know it's a bit random. But I'm sure there's some other people out there, on that same walk as me perhaps, possibly on the same sort of walk with God and have similar circumstances in their life.
What do you when you want to reach out, when you know you really should.
But, you just can't?
Gods will be done!
Amen and God bless everyone. I hope you have a great merry little Christmas and happy new year.
See you on the other side.
One love.
Rudimental.
And sometimes those things can be reaching out to people. People like family, old friends and acquaintances. Especially come this time of year when our thoughts are on other people like loved ones, family and or good friends.
Something I find myself doing more and more come this time of year. And not just for friends and acquaintances but for family in particular. In particular, my older brothers, and ashamedly to say it, my father too who've I've not spoke to in years. :/
It's a really long story, but I'm sure Jesus could simplify it easily and sum it up in one. But I walked out on my dad many years ago and haven't spoken to him since. I think it's been about 14 years now we've not spoken once. And that goes for my 3 older brothers on his side as well.
Although one of them did call me a few years and we talked and briefly which was cool but I've not spoken to him much since then. At that time I was going through some dark stuff which I never really shared with him as I didn't want him to relay that back to our dad you know?
He told me how he still speaks to him sometimes, like how he'll send a joke text to him or some funny picture or something, as people do these days. And that's cool you know, I wish I had that relationship with him but it's not like that.
Since walking out on my dad, mainly because I was confused and arrogant and thought I was right in the way I was thinking and think I was kind of rebelling against what life had for me when I wanted more out of the box.
Anyway, since then, I've been through a lot. And have done a lot of crazy stuff. Been prison a couple times for 3 months then 6 months when I was in my 20's. Was in and out of care homes before that. Managed to land on my feet but lost my girlfriend, then my job and my place and basically ended up in bedsit world on my own.
My mum, although separated from my dad, she tried to help me. And some of my brothers even let me stay with them for a while until I sorted myself out you know. But my mind was gone. Call it too much drinking and too much green and too much everything and anything else. I wasn't innocent any more, I was a man now and I was going to live fast and die young and I was determined to as well.
Sometimes I think if it wouldn't be for those early Christian fellowships I used to attend with my mum and dad before they broke up. Which is something I'll never fully be able to understand and don't unto this day why that had to happen when we was supposed to be born again Christians and all of that.
I can't believe I'm putting this out there. Call it no more space for bottling the emotions up. And knowing more than ever that I need to make changes and what's happened in the past is in the past. That only God can judge me and that all sins forgiven by Him are forgotten about and will never come to mind again. That He has separated them from me as far as the East is from the West.
And that I'm a new man now. Renewed in my mind and thinking. Older, bolder and wiser. Twice as faithful and twice as close to God than I ever was through my faith. I'm on my own walk with God now. God is my father now. God is the only love I'll ever ever need. God will never let me down. God will never forsake me. No matter how much anyone puts me down. No matter how much sin that anyone accuses or convicts me of. God will never abandon me. Never. Not as long as I have this love inside from Christ, this love that convicts me and leads me to righteousness for His name's sake!
See I never realized all of this before. But recently, God has been really talking to my heart. Gently nudging me. One of those persistent nudges that you can't shake off. Like the thorn in the flesh that Paul suffered. The kind of nudge that comes from a Father that loves you so much that he actively pursues you. Who goes out of his own way to go ahead of you and clear the path for you. If you just believe him and give him recognition of his love and great almighty power.
Wow God is really flowing through me here! Sometimes it's like I go blind and just let the Lord do his thing! But I just needed to get this off my chest. I'm sure it opens more questions than it answers and you're all like oh boy. We got a live one here lol. I know I know I know!
I just wanted to say something because I've been going through some changes lately and think it's for the better. I don't know. This is my dad I'm talking about! The only one I've got and will ever have. This is so messed up! It shouldn't be like this! Was this meant to be and was it my fate or all a part of Gods righteous and perfect plan?
Perhaps I'm just too proud. My dad was a great man. He was a Military Policeman and fought in the Falklands War. I really looked up to him. He taught me a lot of good life hacks and wisdom that no other person has ever taught me.
And since then I'm a completely different person now. And I know the way that I turned out isn't what I think he knows I could have been. Although I know that's just some negative crap! I know that's old hairy legs whispering some dumb stuff in my ear I know that.
But I don't know. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it and thinking about it too much like I always do. Perhaps one day I'll just pick up the phone and call him without even thinking too much about it. When I guess, all the pain and confusion has disappeared like a dark cloud.
But there's other stuff as well, stuff I don't even want to repeat here. Stuff that I'm still dealing with. But again, that's just obstacles isn't it? And some of them are big, I still need God to help me get over them.
God pray I will as obstacles are for scaling!
Anyway, thanks for reading. I know it's a bit random. But I'm sure there's some other people out there, on that same walk as me perhaps, possibly on the same sort of walk with God and have similar circumstances in their life.
What do you when you want to reach out, when you know you really should.
But, you just can't?
Gods will be done!
Amen and God bless everyone. I hope you have a great merry little Christmas and happy new year.
See you on the other side.
One love.
Rudimental.