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Thread: 26 years of marriage shattered

  1. #21
    Senior Member Depleted's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetchild View Post
    In March of last year I had to go in for a long overdue lumbar Fusion, I was in fairly good health with exception of a lot of back and sciatic nerve pain down both legs. I had put off surgery for close to 8 years but it had gotten so bad I started to loose some feeling down the legs causing me to fall asleep few times. At that time I weighed about 160lbs and I'm 5.6ht, I can't say we had a real active sex life because several years ago he underwent prostate surgery and after that things didn't work like it use to. I still found him attractive and was still very much in love with him and I made sure he knew that. I also told him at that time I was okay about it, as long as we kept our intimacy we would be great. It took him some time mentally to accept that he wasn't 21 years old still and our marriage stayed real happy. Now, back to my surgery, unfortunately the surgeon completely messed up so I underwent 3 more surgeries to try and correct his mistake. Needless to say, within a month I ended back up in the hospital because I could pretty much could no longer walk. I went to a different hospital and at that point my sacrum was horribly fractured and the hardware was falling out of place. So, time for another major surgery, about a month later I was healing well but yet AGAIN, back to hospital because my legs had swelled so bad, fire red and burning. Ended up back in emergency surgery due to "Massive" blood clots in both legs, was in ICU for 2 days, then taken back in to put stints in both legs and an IVC filter. Come mid September I was finally home for good where I have finally been healing correctly. From the beginning of this medical nightmare he took Very good care of me, he basically was my nurse the whole time and I know it was extremely hard on him to and I assured him that I would get better and we could finally get back to our normal life such as hanging out, going on our weekly date nights, cooking together and both of us getting back into shape. Well, some of that weight gain was my fault due to depression which caused me to eat horrible but the most was due to being immobile for close to 6+ months. So, there's the basic run down without going into every detail. I knew I got big, I feel so bad about how I look and I'd made it known that the better I got the harder it would loose weight. Now in the meantime I have done my best to dress appropriate for my weight, do my hair and makeup and all that pretty girly stuff, I've basically done everything I could to look good minus being FAT. I would flirt, tell him how much I love, respect and appreciate him, actually at this point I was the only one showing affection and intimacy but I was getting nothing in return other than the words I love you, kisses on my head and occasional pats on the back or buttocks, I guess I was feeling more like a friend, his mother or even like the family dog. So, I finally has to ask him what I pretty much already knew, are you attracted to me at all? He said "And how do you expect me to answer that?" I already knew the answer I guess I just needed to confirm it so I told him to answer Honestly, and so he did. He said no he was not attracted to me at all because I was so big. I asked him if he was having an affair and he said Absolutely Not. Lots more was said the next day that hurt even worse than I could have ever imagined.
    I know this was crazy long but maybe it will help everyone kinda understand where this began.
    I am disabled with a bad back that is only getting worse, and yet, after reading what happened to you, I can only think of one word --

    OWWWWW!

    I still think he is keeping something to himself though, which isn't fair. My husband married a 24 year old built-like-a-brickhouse woman. (Me.) He is now married to a 60 year old frumpy woman. I married a 33 year old drop-dead-gorgeous guy. He is now a 69 year old drop-dead gorgeous guy... until I look hard and see what others see him looking like. NOPE! He's still drop-dead gorgeous to me. (He has these steel-blue eyes that still twinkle when he's amused.) Attractiveness is choice, not measurements.

    AND, I still think your soon-to-be-gone husband is a wuss. (Nothing personal to the husband that you still love. Let's just say that's specifically to the wuss part of him.) I suspect it has more to do with him feeling like he is less of a man, blahblahblah... all that stuff guys think that women never even get what they're thinking. (You know the stuff: "Men provide." "Bigger is better." "I'll fix it" when it can't be fixed and we can learn to accept that.
    )

    I do hurt for you.
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

  2. #22
    Senior Member Depleted's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Quote Originally Posted by Dan58 View Post
    Never ask a man for an honest answer. Few men are attracted to older fat ladies, but he should have lied to spare your feelings. Try not to take it too personally, with all your surgeries and his prostate surgery, he probably doesn't want to grow old with anybody, even himself. Physical attraction is skin deep, real love should transcend appearance, so your husband is being pretty superficial, but kudos for his honesty. Sounds like he's just tired and depressed, the realization that your getting old, impedance, and your greatest activity being doctors appointments, can take all the fun out of life. I suspect that him saying he's not attracted to you stems from the fact that he can no longer act on it even if he was. So don't blame yourself, I doubt your weight is the real problem, its just systematic of deeper underlining frustrations.. jmo
    If a guy doesn't want an older fat woman, stay single. Really!!! Especially if the plan is to have kids too. Anything less is just silly. What's the other choice? The woman promises to kill herself at 40?

    Not. Ever!
    Sweetchild likes this.
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

  3. #23
    Senior Member Depleted's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetchild View Post
    Oh I absolutely know sex is not everything for sure and we knew there would be a decrease. Yes I do want to loose weight and as a matter of fact in 2 weeks now I've lost 11 lbs, but, why would anyone women want to stay with a husband when not only he doesn't find me attractive let alone says we've grown apart and when he has told me over the years he wants to grow old, grey and in wheelchairs together and now he was younger then. 2 years ago wasn't that young. Lastly, I took our marriage vows serious, better or worse, richer or poorer and through SICKNESS AND HEALTH! We even went on a Christian marriage retreat and renewed those vows and then some. Anyone can be married but being In love is what makes it last and forever with God at the head of it.
    Not sure if that answered your questions.
    Woohoo on weight loss. I went with something Dr. Phil said. (And I don't even like the Dr. Phil show. lol) "This time next year is going to happen. Where will you be then?" I've lost 44 pounds in 3 years with that theory. 1 pound a month was 1 less pound than I used to be. 12 pounds less the same date the next year. (And I really lost 50, but stress-gained, and have since lost another pound.)
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

  4. #24
    Senior Member John_agape's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Sweetchild, However hard it may be, but don't take his rejection personally. The problem is within him and his soul. We bond in a Christian marriage soul to soul.

    Unfortunately this Western culture we have these days is so extremely looks fixated. If your husband professes to be a Christian, he should see you through God's eyes and not through some secular ungodly attitude.

    The Bible tells husbands to be to their wives as Christ is to the Church. He should nurture you with the water of God's Word.
    Sweetchild likes this.

  5. #25
    Junior Member Sweetchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    I would like to thank everyone for your kind words, advice and even more important, your prayers. Honestly I have never done a chat room thing before but so far everyone seems to be very thoughtful. Prayers to all of you guys to.

  6. #26
    Junior Member Sweetchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    I love these last few comments. Gosh did I need a laugh. By the way I think he may have given me the truth... 20+ years ago I went out and got a bit toasted, I was feeling lonely and all that junk, NO EXCUSE I KNOW! young and stupid I had an affair and it was a couple times with the same person. I felt like a ........ well you can fill in the blank. I swore I would take it to my grave. I masked my guilt and shame behind the bottle and I mean ALOT OF BOTTLES. About 10 years later I had been sober for close to a year and we were attending church, Bible study classes on a regular basis. Well one night on my way home from bible study I heard this voice in my head saying "Tell him, you can't hold this lie any longer, Tell him, I forgave you, now have some peace, tell him".
    As corney as it sounds I swear I heard it. So I went home and it just flew out there, at first I was scared, then I felt like the entire world was off my back, very hard to explain. He was very mad, he knew I was lonely and he didn't blame me but I told him it gave me NO REASON TO CHEAT! Needless to say, after years of therapy he forgave me, or so I thought. Thanks a couple years later he started using it to take jabs at me, just making me again feel like a whore. I finally broke down and hard. Needless to say we did marriage counseling, then went on a marriage retreat and renewed our vows. Well today he said all the things I said to you and the way I've treated you for a long time and how I don't stand up for you in front of the kids is because, well, I couldn't forgive you for cheating on me so I've wanted you to hurt all this time as bad as I was hurt. OMG!!!WOW, what could I say.......Sweet Jesus, that did it for me.
    That's it in a quick nut shell.

  7. #27
    Junior Member Sweetchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    You were so right, it wasn't that.

  8. #28
    Junior Member Sweetchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Quote Originally Posted by Dan58 View Post
    Never ask a man for an honest answer. Few men are attracted to older fat ladies, but he should have lied to spare your feelings. Try not to take it too personally, with all your surgeries and his prostate surgery, he probably doesn't want to grow old with anybody, even himself. Physical attraction is skin deep, real love should transcend appearance, so your husband is being pretty superficial, but kudos for his honesty. Sounds like he's just tired and depressed, the realization that your getting old, impedance, and your greatest activity being doctors appointments, can take all the fun out of life. I suspect that him saying he's not attracted to you stems from the fact that he can no longer act on it even if he was. So don't blame yourself, I doubt your weight is the real problem, its just systematic of deeper underlining frustrations.. jmo
    I guess I already knew it for a lot of reasons, I just needed to hear it. What broke me was everything he said after, that once again cut me to the core.

  9. #29
    Senior Member SweetmorningDew78's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    HE hears your cries. HE is the steady hand that holds you in this difficult time in your life...hugs and prayers sis. God bless you.

  10. #30
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Quote Originally Posted by John_agape View Post
    Sweetchild, However hard it may be, but don't take his rejection personally. The problem is within him and his soul. We bond in a Christian marriage soul to soul.

    Unfortunately this Western culture we have these days is so extremely looks fixated. If your husband professes to be a Christian, he should see you through God's eyes and not through some secular ungodly attitude.

    The Bible tells husbands to be to their wives as Christ is to the Church. He should nurture you with the water of God's Word.
    On a different thought -- have you ever had your spouse reject you? I have no idea how not to take that personally? I get you mean well, but how do you do that realistically? It's as personal as it gets.
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

  11. #31
    Senior Member Depleted's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetchild View Post
    I would like to thank everyone for your kind words, advice and even more important, your prayers. Honestly I have never done a chat room thing before but so far everyone seems to be very thoughtful. Prayers to all of you guys to.
    Warning: You might have hit a momentary lapse. We're usually not this kind. lol

    (Just didn't want you to go into shock when you see us in our natural state.
    )
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

  12. #32
    Senior Member Depleted's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetchild View Post
    I love these last few comments. Gosh did I need a laugh. By the way I think he may have given me the truth... 20+ years ago I went out and got a bit toasted, I was feeling lonely and all that junk, NO EXCUSE I KNOW! young and stupid I had an affair and it was a couple times with the same person. I felt like a ........ well you can fill in the blank. I swore I would take it to my grave. I masked my guilt and shame behind the bottle and I mean ALOT OF BOTTLES. About 10 years later I had been sober for close to a year and we were attending church, Bible study classes on a regular basis. Well one night on my way home from bible study I heard this voice in my head saying "Tell him, you can't hold this lie any longer, Tell him, I forgave you, now have some peace, tell him".
    As corney as it sounds I swear I heard it. So I went home and it just flew out there, at first I was scared, then I felt like the entire world was off my back, very hard to explain. He was very mad, he knew I was lonely and he didn't blame me but I told him it gave me NO REASON TO CHEAT! Needless to say, after years of therapy he forgave me, or so I thought. Thanks a couple years later he started using it to take jabs at me, just making me again feel like a whore. I finally broke down and hard. Needless to say we did marriage counseling, then went on a marriage retreat and renewed our vows. Well today he said all the things I said to you and the way I've treated you for a long time and how I don't stand up for you in front of the kids is because, well, I couldn't forgive you for cheating on me so I've wanted you to hurt all this time as bad as I was hurt. OMG!!!WOW, what could I say.......Sweet Jesus, that did it for me.
    That's it in a quick nut shell.
    I'm married to a guy whose wife cheated on him. (I'm second wife.) And, yeah, it's impossible to forgive. The only way it can happen is God working through us. He really did go through a lot of changes over it, because God told him to stay married to her. I don't know if he could ever have completely forgiven her because, well, and then she cheated again. (Both guys were from their church too. Very freaky that he ran into the first guy again years later. He was a friend of my ex-boyfriend/then-friend. That didn't go well.)

    I don't know what changes he has gone through recently because of how that last marriage ended, but I can tell you he was still in forgive-get angry-forgive-get angry-forgive stage well into our third decade together. It also took him that long to trust I wouldn't cheat on him.

    He's pretty sure I won't now, but last summer I became a friend to one of the guys in the nursing home hubby was in (short-term), and he admits he did get a little jealous. (He's since back to trusting me. Probably helps I won't/can't go back to visit the other guy, and we both knew it was a momentary friendship.)

    So, yeah. If he cheated on you, how long would it take you to trust him again? I really do get it's over. And I don't think any less of you, but yeah -- that's probably the smoking gun. It's really, really hard to get past that.

    From my experience, I doubt he held it against you all the time, but at his weakest moments? Probably. And when we feel weak, it's easier to blame someone else. You can at least go back in your mind, try and figure out his weakest moments, and then add that he was thinking about this during those times. When it starts adding up, it doesn't change the outcome. BUT, he's not quite as wussy as I thought. You do have a why. And, yeah, it still completely, utterly hurts. I am still sorry for you. Our sins really do come back to haunt us, even when God forgives us, don't they?
    Sweetchild likes this.
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

  13. #33
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    I am sorry for your situation. I know that marriage struggles are common, but you can come back from this kind of a situation even when there is infidelity. Do you think there is hope for your marriage? Do you think that if you went to counseling with him that there might be hope? If so please call 855-382-5433 and talk to the licensed Christian counselors there who can help you work through this. If your husband is set on leaving you, the counselors can help you process this too. I am sorry for your struggles sweet lady. I pray that you can laugh and find joy. I know God loves you and that you are forgiven for the past. I am sorry that your husband cannot see that and forgive you as well. Hugs.
    Sweetchild likes this.

  14. #34
    Senior Member hornetguy's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetchild View Post
    Thank you so much. It will be a difficult road ahead but I pray God will not leave me.
    That's an easy one... He will NEVER leave YOU... Never....
    Ariel82, Depleted and Sweetchild like this.
    No man is really saved unless he is in his heart obedient to Christ. C.H. Spurgeon

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