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Thread: 26 years of marriage shattered

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    Junior Member Sweetchild's Avatar
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    Default 26 years of marriage shattered

    26 years of marriage, due to medical issues I gained weight and my husband is not attracted to me, no longer wants to grow old together. My heart is broke and my soul is shattered.
    Dan_473, tourist, mar09 and 1 others like this.

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    Senior Member wwjd_kilden's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    * hug *
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    Senior Member PrynceNY's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    I pray that the Lord comforts you & fills your heart with his love. You are beautiful in his eyes and that's what truly matters.
    Pie, Ariel82, Dan_473 and 7 others like this.
    Romans 10:13 - For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
    Acts 3:19 - Repent therefore and turn to God, so that your sins may be blotted out, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord.
    Ephesians 6:11 - Put on the whole armor of God, so that you can stand firm against the schemes of the devil.

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    Junior Member Sweetchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Quote Originally Posted by PrynceNY View Post
    I pray that the Lord comforts you & fills your heart with his love. You are beautiful in his eyes and that's what truly matters.
    Thank you so much. It will be a difficult road ahead but I pray God will not leave me.
    PennEd, Dan_473, tourist and 4 others like this.

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    Senior Member Amazing-Grace's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetchild View Post
    26 years of marriage, due to medical issues I gained weight and my husband is not attracted to me, no longer wants to grow old together. My heart is broke and my soul is shattered.
    The longer I am in this world the more I realise that other humans cannot make us happy, it is my experience that all relationships end in tears and I'm not just talking about marriages but all human relationships. When it comes to the crunch people will choose their own happiness above anyone else's and people are cruel and even the best of us are imperfect. Ultimately it is these feelings that led me to God, the one who will never let us down, the one who died for us while yet we were still sinners.

    Sweetchild, I am sorry my words are not of much help to you but I hope they are at least a comfort - to know you will always be loved by The God of all creation. I will pray for you my friend and may you draw closer to God as you seek comfort.
    Mooky, Dan58, John_agape and 4 others like this.












    “Gravity explains the motions of the planets, but it cannot explain who sets the planets in motion.” - Isaac Newton

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    Senior Member tourist's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    I find your post to be very sad. Even though you say that you have gained weight I'm surprised that your husband still doesn't find your attractive. I will say a prayer for God to mend your broken heart. Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.
    Dino246, oldethennew and Yiska like this.
    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

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    Senior Member Dino246's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Praying... that you would know with certainty how much your heavenly Father loves you, and that your husband would surrender his preferences to the Lord in favour of His preferences.
    PennEd, oldethennew and Yiska like this.

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    Junior Member Sweetchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Your words do remind me of God's love for me, people will leave God but he NEVER leaves us. I am praying that he will carry me through this, just as the Footprints In The Sand poem tells us. Thank you for your words.
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    Senior Member Depleted's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetchild View Post
    26 years of marriage, due to medical issues I gained weight and my husband is not attracted to me, no longer wants to grow old together. My heart is broke and my soul is shattered.
    I don't believe him. Do you?

    I know 80% of marriages end when one of the spouses becomes disabled, but very few end because a spouse's looks change. It has to be given we all change over the years. I'm not asking you what medical condition. (Geesh. I just gained weight, so, in my mind, it doesn't even require a medical condition sometimes.) I'm asking if whatever it is has also affected your finances? If it has, that could be it. He could be feeling inadequate in fixing the problem by providing enough money. Or he could just be feeling inadequate for not being able to fix you.

    But "attracted?" That is such a shallow reason, I'd have such a tough time buying that one. I'd press for the real answer.

    This just seems like such a wussy reason to call it quits. If he wasn't a wuss in the first 1-2 decades of your marriage then he's not telling the truth. And to blame it on you for your weight gain? How wussy can a guy get? At least you deserve the truth.
    Dan58, oldethennew and Sweetchild like this.
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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    Senior Member Crustyone's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    It's sad to say, but I found my wife to be physically unattractive when she gained weight. I think I have a brain problem which makes me, and likely your husband, feel repulsed by rolls of fat. I wasn't aware of the problem when I married her and although I loved the woman inside, I just couldn't love the physical woman. The problem is his more than it is yours. You are however having to suffer greatly for his failing the same as my wife did. We split up before I realized this about myself and I think, if I had figured myself out while I was with her, we might still have been together, but our physical love would have still suffered. By the way, she left me for stupid actions on my part.

    If you are still together I salute him as being better than I am. As for you, I am not sure why you have gained weight, but would think it would have to be something that is restricting your movement. Some supplements will rev up your metabolism to burn off fat and, sorry to say, there is the old standby of eating less fat inducing foods. I don't suffer from a large weight gain so I can't help you much there, except to say to beware of the "eating for comfort" slide. If you are feeling down you may be eating more than usual. Romans 13:14 tells us to avoid gratifying the flesh and although it is not talking directly about eating, when we consider how God felt about the Jews when they were leaving Egypt and eating only manna with no meat, then complaining about it, and their actions after they received it, I think this verse would apply to food as well.

    May God bless you and heal your marriage, and if you are ill, may He heal your physical self too.
    Magenta and Amazing-Grace like this.

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    Senior Member Dan58's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Quote Originally Posted by Depleted View Post
    I don't believe him. Do you?

    This just seems like such a wussy reason to call it quits. If he wasn't a wuss in the first 1-2 decades of your marriage then he's not telling the truth. And to blame it on you for your weight gain? How wussy can a guy get? At least you deserve the truth.
    I concur, it seems like a concocted reason to leave.. An excuse is just the skin of a reason stuffed with a lie.. You could always lose weight, so I suspect there's more to it than that?
    Sweetchild likes this.

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    Senior Member notuptome's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    To love one must first know the Lord Jesus Christ as Savior. Consider that Jesus was beaten till he no longer resembled a man. He was bloody had His hands and feet pierced with nails. His side pierced with a spear and His brow beaten with a crown of thorns. Read Isaiah 53 and see how He had no beauty that we should desire Him.

    Divorcing over physical looks is insane, no wait it is an abomination. Shallow vanity and conceit is all that this evidences.

    What if Jesus had considered you too ugly to save?

    For the cause of Christ
    Roger
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    The bible is a mirror not a magnifying glass
    use it to examine yourself not others.

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    Senior Member JosephsDreams's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Concocted or not, it's flimsy. Lets be real, none of us like it when our spouses lose their looks It's even worse when it is perceived as the spouse just not taking care of themselves.
    But it just stuns me someone would leave their husband or wife for such a thing.
    I picture myself that if my wife (that I don't actually have) ballooned to lets say, 250 pounds from a wedding weight of 125, yeah, I would be disgusted if there wasn't a physical medical reason. Even with that I would despair. Weight gain though is also many times a emotional psychological issue.
    My thing would be, get help ! Don't just sit there doing nothing. But even if she didn't, I am not divorcing or cheating.
    It would hurt the relationship though. But not divorce.
    I am not saying this is what is going on here with the OP.
    Whatever the reason he wants to leave her is, I doubt it's valid.
    Come on. Is he Christian's or not?

    Praying for you.
    Jesus loves you.
    And many here will pray for you.
    Where 2 or 3 are gathered...well you can multiply that by dozens.
    Last edited by JosephsDreams; January 9th, 2017 at 11:59 AM.
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    Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
    John 8:32

    And now these three remain; faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
    1 Cor. 13:13


    Give ​peas a chance !



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    Junior Member Sweetchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    In March of last year I had to go in for a long overdue lumbar Fusion, I was in fairly good health with exception of a lot of back and sciatic nerve pain down both legs. I had put off surgery for close to 8 years but it had gotten so bad I started to loose some feeling down the legs causing me to fall asleep few times. At that time I weighed about 160lbs and I'm 5.6ht, I can't say we had a real active sex life because several years ago he underwent prostate surgery and after that things didn't work like it use to. I still found him attractive and was still very much in love with him and I made sure he knew that. I also told him at that time I was okay about it, as long as we kept our intimacy we would be great. It took him some time mentally to accept that he wasn't 21 years old still and our marriage stayed real happy. Now, back to my surgery, unfortunately the surgeon completely messed up so I underwent 3 more surgeries to try and correct his mistake. Needless to say, within a month I ended back up in the hospital because I could pretty much could no longer walk. I went to a different hospital and at that point my sacrum was horribly fractured and the hardware was falling out of place. So, time for another major surgery, about a month later I was healing well but yet AGAIN, back to hospital because my legs had swelled so bad, fire red and burning. Ended up back in emergency surgery due to "Massive" blood clots in both legs, was in ICU for 2 days, then taken back in to put stints in both legs and an IVC filter. Come mid September I was finally home for good where I have finally been healing correctly. From the beginning of this medical nightmare he took Very good care of me, he basically was my nurse the whole time and I know it was extremely hard on him to and I assured him that I would get better and we could finally get back to our normal life such as hanging out, going on our weekly date nights, cooking together and both of us getting back into shape. Well, some of that weight gain was my fault due to depression which caused me to eat horrible but the most was due to being immobile for close to 6+ months. So, there's the basic run down without going into every detail. I knew I got big, I feel so bad about how I look and I'd made it known that the better I got the harder it would loose weight. Now in the meantime I have done my best to dress appropriate for my weight, do my hair and makeup and all that pretty girly stuff, I've basically done everything I could to look good minus being FAT. I would flirt, tell him how much I love, respect and appreciate him, actually at this point I was the only one showing affection and intimacy but I was getting nothing in return other than the words I love you, kisses on my head and occasional pats on the back or buttocks, I guess I was feeling more like a friend, his mother or even like the family dog. So, I finally has to ask him what I pretty much already knew, are you attracted to me at all? He said "And how do you expect me to answer that?" I already knew the answer I guess I just needed to confirm it so I told him to answer Honestly, and so he did. He said no he was not attracted to me at all because I was so big. I asked him if he was having an affair and he said Absolutely Not. Lots more was said the next day that hurt even worse than I could have ever imagined.
    I know this was crazy long but maybe it will help everyone kinda understand where this began.
    Crustyone and Magenta like this.

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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Sex isn't every thing.

    You mentioned his prostate? Hormones might have something also to do with his lack of sex drive.

    Do you want to try and lose weight? Can you?

    Does he still want to stay together even without the physical attraction?
    Mooky likes this.

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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    If he still wants to be together go to marriage counseling. My Mema and Pa who have been,married a long time had to go a few years ago. She told me it helped them communicate and remember why,they loved each other.

    She said she was on the verge of demanding a divorce.

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    Senior Member Dan58's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetchild View Post
    26 years of marriage, due to medical issues I gained weight and my husband is not attracted to me, no longer wants to grow old together. My heart is broke and my soul is shattered.
    Never ask a man for an honest answer. Few men are attracted to older fat ladies, but he should have lied to spare your feelings. Try not to take it too personally, with all your surgeries and his prostate surgery, he probably doesn't want to grow old with anybody, even himself. Physical attraction is skin deep, real love should transcend appearance, so your husband is being pretty superficial, but kudos for his honesty. Sounds like he's just tired and depressed, the realization that your getting old, impedance, and your greatest activity being doctors appointments, can take all the fun out of life. I suspect that him saying he's not attracted to you stems from the fact that he can no longer act on it even if he was. So don't blame yourself, I doubt your weight is the real problem, its just systematic of deeper underlining frustrations.. jmo
    tourist, Bethohio1 and Sweetchild like this.

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    Junior Member Sweetchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Oh I absolutely know sex is not everything for sure and we knew there would be a decrease. Yes I do want to loose weight and as a matter of fact in 2 weeks now I've lost 11 lbs, but, why would anyone women want to stay with a husband when not only he doesn't find me attractive let alone says we've grown apart and when he has told me over the years he wants to grow old, grey and in wheelchairs together and now he was younger then. 2 years ago wasn't that young. Lastly, I took our marriage vows serious, better or worse, richer or poorer and through SICKNESS AND HEALTH! We even went on a Christian marriage retreat and renewed those vows and then some. Anyone can be married but being In love is what makes it last and forever with God at the head of it.
    Not sure if that answered your questions.

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    Senior Member tourist's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetchild View Post
    Oh I absolutely know sex is not everything for sure and we knew there would be a decrease. Yes I do want to loose weight and as a matter of fact in 2 weeks now I've lost 11 lbs, but, why would anyone women want to stay with a husband when not only he doesn't find me attractive let alone says we've grown apart and when he has told me over the years he wants to grow old, grey and in wheelchairs together and now he was younger then. 2 years ago wasn't that young. Lastly, I took our marriage vows serious, better or worse, richer or poorer and through SICKNESS AND HEALTH! We even went on a Christian marriage retreat and renewed those vows and then some. Anyone can be married but being In love is what makes it last and forever with God at the head of it.
    Not sure if that answered your questions.
    Your point of view on what makes a marriage last in the correct one.
    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

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    Junior Member Sweetchild's Avatar
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    Default Re: 26 years of marriage shattered

    In 26 years we've been through several councillors and mostly Christian based. I just don't know if it's beyond repair. I am truly praying for guidance.
    tourist and Magenta like this.

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