When you cant Find Peace in Family Discord

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K

kaylagrl

Guest
#1
I really hate to talk about private issues. Im not going to go too deep into the whole story.Suffice to say we have family discord in a big way. We have three people on one side and three on the other. No matter how I try to make peace I cannot. And its not a situation where I can just throw up my hands and walk away from them. It hurts me deeply because I have lost several family members to cancer. I feel like we are wasting precious time arguing over foolish things. Ive tried everything,I even went to counseling on my own. And there seem to be no solutions. And so we talk and talk and talk about the same old arguments and nothing ever gets solved. I am just at wits end to know how to have peace.

We have had several upsets and I keep coming back to my husband upset and crying. He then gets upset because,man like,he wants to fix it for me. Its not fair to him. The three on the other side have refused to accept my husband in the family.They treat him like a stranger. He has done so much for my family and they still wont accept him. Which makes me angry and only adds to the chaos. I want to be making memories and enjoying time with family but they wont work toward peace. Their opinion of me is pretty low and I cant understand that considering Im the one working so hard for peace. I really dont know what to do. Ive prayed,Ive gone for counseling,Ive done all I know to do. Im a person that wants everyone to get along and this strife is just too much. I just want peace. Short of putting everyone in a choke hold I dont know where to go from here. Anyone face this before?
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#2
Let it go!

Seriously, let it go!

You've done everything, so stop doing everything. Let the family members who won't accept him as family know you and he love them, but will continue on your lives without them, until they change their mind. It's not closing the door, it's letting them know where you stand. (With him.)

Then go on with your life and enjoy it. They know where your door is, right? They know your phone number. You've done all you can, so let it go.

My family has been a royal mess for decades. One brother was disowned, reowned, disowned, reowned in that time. I didn't disown him, so I didn't play the game.

And then, I did disown him, but circumstances (ahem, God) changed that.

Hubby's family is just as chaotic. Some of it got back to us without it even being gossip. (They weren't talking to us, and we didn't even notice, until someone asked us when we'd forgive them. Forgive? Still don't exactly know why they got mad at us, and never got mad at them, until that moment. lol) The thing that changed that was hubby asking for them when he was in the hospital. (I called. They came! Surprised me. lol)

Most of our lives it really is the spouse we married and the family that comes from that. Only occasionally is our blood family apart of our time together. So, if they don't want to resolve it, and you've done all you can, what is the other choice but let go?

I am always surprised when they come back. Time and circumstances change the family dynamic. So let go and see what God does. Meanwhile, you have family. You have hubby. You have those who get hubby is part of your package deal. Enjoy what you have, and let them figure out what they'll do without you constantly trying to fix what can't be fixed by any human being.

Men aren't the only ones who think they can fix what can't be fixed. ;)
 

Blain

The Word Weaver
Aug 28, 2012
19,173
2,536
113
#3
Actually yes I face this everyday, there is not a day that goes by without a ton of anger stress and discord in this house it's absolutely horrible and nothing I say or do makes any difference at all no one listens to me.
i only know to do my best to trust that God has a plan while often times having to distance myself from the rest of the house and be with God any way I can just to not have that anger and stress fill me up.

Sadly I am someone who is affected greatly the people and environment around me i emotionally connect with others which can be good in counseling and encouraging others and understanding their pain but it also has a down side I am easily affected by their negative feelings as well so I have to distance myself sometimes to retain the peace and joy of the Lord while praying for God to help my family. Sometimes that is all we can do sometimes we cannot help our loved ones directly but don't be surprised by the power of prayer
 
M

Miri

Guest
#4
Actually yes I face this everyday, there is not a day that goes by without a ton of anger stress and discord in this house it's absolutely horrible and nothing I say or do makes any difference at all no one listens to me.
i only know to do my best to trust that God has a plan while often times having to distance myself from the rest of the house and be with God any way I can just to not have that anger and stress fill me up.

Sadly I am someone who is affected greatly the people and environment around me i emotionally connect with others which can be good in counseling and encouraging others and understanding their pain but it also has a down side I am easily affected by their negative feelings as well so I have to distance myself sometimes to retain the peace and joy of the Lord while praying for God to help my family. Sometimes that is all we can do sometimes we cannot help our loved ones directly but don't be surprised by the power of prayer
Oh hon, I understand, I'm in the same position too due to my elderly aunts unpredictable
behaviour due to her many medical issues. It's awful, I've learnt to just let it bounce off me
and let it go. Hanging onto negative words just makes things worse. God understands. :)
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#5
Let it go!

Seriously, let it go!

You've done everything, so stop doing everything. Let the family members who won't accept him as family know you and he love them, but will continue on your lives without them, until they change their mind. It's not closing the door, it's letting them know where you stand. (With him.)

Then go on with your life and enjoy it. They know where your door is, right? They know your phone number. You've done all you can, so let it go.

My family has been a royal mess for decades. One brother was disowned, reowned, disowned, reowned in that time. I didn't disown him, so I didn't play the game.

And then, I did disown him, but circumstances (ahem, God) changed that.

Hubby's family is just as chaotic. Some of it got back to us without it even being gossip. (They weren't talking to us, and we didn't even notice, until someone asked us when we'd forgive them. Forgive? Still don't exactly know why they got mad at us, and never got mad at them, until that moment. lol) The thing that changed that was hubby asking for them when he was in the hospital. (I called. They came! Surprised me. lol)

Most of our lives it really is the spouse we married and the family that comes from that. Only occasionally is our blood family apart of our time together. So, if they don't want to resolve it, and you've done all you can, what is the other choice but let go?

I am always surprised when they come back. Time and circumstances change the family dynamic. So let go and see what God does. Meanwhile, you have family. You have hubby. You have those who get hubby is part of your package deal. Enjoy what you have, and let them figure out what they'll do without you constantly trying to fix what can't be fixed by any human being.

Men aren't the only ones who think they can fix what can't be fixed. ;)



Quote "Let it go!"

Is it odd that I can hear you singing that to me?? lol The only problem with that is that we attend the same church,live in the same town and are kind of always in each others paths. There are so many angles to it now that not accepting hubby just scratches the surface of it. One on them unloaded on me last night and I stayed calm and explained myself. My husband says "why can't they see your heart?" Im starting to believe Im the awful person they seem to think I am :(
 
M

Miri

Guest
#6
I really hate to talk about private issues. Im not going to go too deep into the whole story.Suffice to say we have family discord in a big way. We have three people on one side and three on the other. No matter how I try to make peace I cannot. And its not a situation where I can just throw up my hands and walk away from them. It hurts me deeply because I have lost several family members to cancer. I feel like we are wasting precious time arguing over foolish things. Ive tried everything,I even went to counseling on my own. And there seem to be no solutions. And so we talk and talk and talk about the same old arguments and nothing ever gets solved. I am just at wits end to know how to have peace.

We have had several upsets and I keep coming back to my husband upset and crying. He then gets upset because,man like,he wants to fix it for me. Its not fair to him. The three on the other side have refused to accept my husband in the family.They treat him like a stranger. He has done so much for my family and they still wont accept him. Which makes me angry and only adds to the chaos. I want to be making memories and enjoying time with family but they wont work toward peace. Their opinion of me is pretty low and I cant understand that considering Im the one working so hard for peace. I really dont know what to do. Ive prayed,Ive gone for counseling,Ive done all I know to do. Im a person that wants everyone to get along and this strife is just too much. I just want peace. Short of putting everyone in a choke hold I dont know where to go from here. Anyone face this before?

Its hard to let go isn't it, but if you have done everything you can, you have to come to
a place where you realise you are only responsible for how you think and behave. You
are not responsible for how others think and behave.

I would be tempted to send the parties concerned each a letter saying how much this
is causing you great distress, that you will have to let it go for now to protect yourself
from all the stress it's causing. But that your door is always open to anyone who wants
to bury the hatchet and enjoy a proper family relationship (or words to that effect).
Then just get on with your life and put it behind you.

You didn't choose your family but you did choose your husband. I don't know what has
gone on but unless you can find the strength to move on them you are letting your
family spoil the little family unit you have formed with your husband.
Keep praying about things but hand the situation over to God. Leave it to him to
soften hearts, He can do a better job.

God bless
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#7
Actually yes I face this everyday, there is not a day that goes by without a ton of anger stress and discord in this house it's absolutely horrible and nothing I say or do makes any difference at all no one listens to me.
i only know to do my best to trust that God has a plan while often times having to distance myself from the rest of the house and be with God any way I can just to not have that anger and stress fill me up.

Sadly I am someone who is affected greatly the people and environment around me i emotionally connect with others which can be good in counseling and encouraging others and understanding their pain but it also has a down side I am easily affected by their negative feelings as well so I have to distance myself sometimes to retain the peace and joy of the Lord while praying for God to help my family. Sometimes that is all we can do sometimes we cannot help our loved ones directly but don't be surprised by the power of prayer

Oh wow,we could be twins separated at birth! That is my big issue too.People around me,family more than anything else, really affect me. My doctor told me once that I noticed non verbal conversation far more than the average person. He said it was a double edged sword. I dont want to be bitter,or angry.I steel myself against it but some of the things that have been said cut so deep.And Id rather they say it about me than my husband. He's got such a good heart.
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#8
Quote "Let it go!"

Is it odd that I can hear you singing that to me?? lol The only problem with that is that we attend the same church,live in the same town and are kind of always in each others paths. There are so many angles to it now that not accepting hubby just scratches the surface of it. One on them unloaded on me last night and I stayed calm and explained myself. My husband says "why can't they see your heart?" Im starting to believe Im the awful person they seem to think I am :(
Sounds toxic. I would actively avoid them if they thought so poorly of me.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#9
Its hard to let go isn't it, but if you have done everything you can, you have to come to
a place where you realise you are only responsible for how you think and behave. You
are not responsible for how others think and behave.

I would be tempted to send the parties concerned each a letter saying how much this
is causing you great distress, that you will have to let it go for now to protect yourself
from all the stress it's causing. But that your door is always open to anyone who wants
to bury the hatchet and enjoy a proper family relationship (or words to that effect).
Then just get on with your life and put it behind you.

You didn't choose your family but you did choose your husband. I don't know what has
gone on but unless you can find the strength to move on them you are letting your
family spoil the little family unit you have formed with your husband.
Keep praying about things but hand the situation over to God. Leave it to him to
soften hearts, He can do a better job.

God bless

My brother in law and I really got into it when my husband and I were dating. He started giving opinions and on and on it went.I blocked him from Facebook. After a terrible dust up he asked forgiveness through another family member,he didn't come directly to me. I forgave him completely,added him back to Facebook and we're doing great. But Im afraid the gossip and opinions of the rest of the family are going to send us right back to where we were. Its hard to let go when others wont and keep attacking your character and your motives.You know?
 

Blain

The Word Weaver
Aug 28, 2012
19,173
2,536
113
#10

Oh wow,we could be twins separated at birth! That is my big issue too.People around me,family more than anything else, really affect me. My doctor told me once that I noticed non verbal conversation far more than the average person. He said it was a double edged sword. I dont want to be bitter,or angry.I steel myself against it but some of the things that have been said cut so deep.And Id rather they say it about me than my husband. He's got such a good heart.
What you speak of is the bonds of the hearts, sometimes God allows us to connect to the hearts of others and understand them without them even speaking I have seen this happen many times. When I wrote a poem for mothers day although I have no experience of being a mother I wrote what was placed on my heart and when many of the mothers on that poem site read it I was bombarded with messages of mothers saying they were in tears and it was as if I read their hearts.

This is but one way God uses people like us but like you said it's a double edged sword because we can be affected by negative things much easier than the average person as well which is why the atmosphere we place ourselves in every day is vital and often times that may require to go that still quite place with him
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#11
Sounds toxic. I would actively avoid them if they thought so poorly of me.

It really has become toxic. My husband and I met 8yrs ago and we still haven't settled any of the issues with family. My nephews are young and I adore spending time with them,we dont see them often. Its strained because of family issues and the oldest is getting old enough to notice and be stressed by it.I fear he is like me,his environment and the emotions of people around him affect him greatly. I try to tolerate the fiery darts long enough to spend some time with them and with my mother. I feel like they know that and use it against me as a time to gang up on me.
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#12
Family meeting where everyone just prays together? No discussing problems, gossip, rumor, just prayer?

Maybe not everyone will be willing but maybe those who are would do a dinner and prayer together?
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#13
Family meeting where everyone just prays together? No discussing problems, gossip, rumor, just prayer?

Maybe not everyone will be willing but maybe those who are would do a dinner and prayer together?


Well three of us would.lol That would be myself,my husband and my mother. Its seems if we have any smidgen of a break though someone sabotages it.What makes it even harder is that all involved are Christians and should know better. I think it would be easier if they were unsaved,I could understand that,I could explain it. But this,I cant.
 

Blain

The Word Weaver
Aug 28, 2012
19,173
2,536
113
#14
Well three of us would.lol That would be myself,my husband and my mother. Its seems if we have any smidgen of a break though someone sabotages it.What makes it even harder is that all involved are Christians and should know better. I think it would be easier if they were unsaved,I could understand that,I could explain it. But this,I cant.
Mathew 18:20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them. sounds to me like the enemy doesn't like what your doing and so is trying to use your loved ones to hinder you
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#15
Quote "Let it go!"

Is it odd that I can hear you singing that to me?? lol The only problem with that is that we attend the same church,live in the same town and are kind of always in each others paths. There are so many angles to it now that not accepting hubby just scratches the surface of it. One on them unloaded on me last night and I stayed calm and explained myself. My husband says "why can't they see your heart?" Im starting to believe Im the awful person they seem to think I am :(
Still doesnt require you to interact with them. You still have the ability to not acknowledge them if you come across them. But it sounds like you're engaging them. While you may be doing nothing to deserve this, the fact that you continually egg it on by pushing the subject and attempting to coerce and pressure people into seeing it your way certainly isn't helping.
That is the social equivalent to nagging your husband, which is never effective or positive, and in fact only serves to create More trouble. If these people feel the way they do, and you've tried to change their minds, and they won't listen, then your constant pushing reveals the problem You have.
It's obviously painful for you, and I'm sorry. But you have to stop trying to control others behavior and thoughts. Because you likely Do look bad by not allowing people to be how they want to be.

Sometimes the right thing and the easy thing are not the same.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#16
Still doesnt require you to interact with them. You still have the ability to not acknowledge them if you come across them. But it sounds like you're engaging them. While you may be doing nothing to deserve this, the fact that you continually egg it on by pushing the subject and attempting to coerce and pressure people into seeing it your way certainly isn't helping.
That is the social equivalent to nagging your husband, which is never effective or positive, and in fact only serves to create More trouble. If these people feel the way they do, and you've tried to change their minds, and they won't listen, then your constant pushing reveals the problem You have.
It's obviously painful for you, and I'm sorry. But you have to stop trying to control others behavior and thoughts. Because you likely Do look bad by not allowing people to be how they want to be.

Sometimes the right thing and the easy thing are not the same.

Quote " But it sounds like you're engaging them. "

Yes I am. Its a crazy cycle. They attack me so I try to explain. They wont accept the explanation and round we go again. To see my nephews,at times,it means I have to see my sister. And I walk on egg shells the entire time Im around her. Its not always possible to avoid and have no contact with the person. If it wasn't for the children I dont believe Id ever hear from my sister. We were so close once and it hurts that we are where we are now.

Quote "
If these people feel the way they do, and you've tried to change their minds, and they won't listen, then your constant pushing reveals the problem You have."

I dont try to change minds,I try to explain when they attack. I dont go looking for trouble with them,they come after me,often out of nowhere. I avoid it where possible. But its not always possible.
 

notmyown

Senior Member
May 26, 2016
4,585
1,045
113
#17
Quote "Let it go!"

Is it odd that I can hear you singing that to me?? lol The only problem with that is that we attend the same church,live in the same town and are kind of always in each others paths. There are so many angles to it now that not accepting hubby just scratches the surface of it. One on them unloaded on me last night and I stayed calm and explained myself. My husband says "why can't they see your heart?" Im starting to believe Im the awful person they seem to think I am :(

you did?? :eek: i mean, i believe you, i'm just really impressed!

in my experience all families are a hot mess in one way or another. i'm sorry this is happening.
i'm pretty sure there's a whole lot more to this than you can explain here, too.
you're not an awful person, either. :)

i know it's hard when people won't accept the guy you think is so terrific you married him.
my husband and i went through some similar things in the early years (years 1-19. how's that for encouragement? lol!)

honestly, i think your way to peace here is to accept you're not going to get the kind of peace you want right now.

unless you wanna reconsider the whole choke-hold scenario? :rolleyes:
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#18
you did?? :eek: i mean, i believe you, i'm just really impressed!

in my experience all families are a hot mess in one way or another. i'm sorry this is happening.
i'm pretty sure there's a whole lot more to this than you can explain here, too.
you're not an awful person, either. :)

i know it's hard when people won't accept the guy you think is so terrific you married him.
my husband and i went through some similar things in the early years (years 1-19. how's that for encouragement? lol!)

honestly, i think your way to peace here is to accept you're not going to get the kind of peace you want right now.

unless you wanna reconsider the whole choke-hold scenario? :rolleyes:


Quote "you did?? :eek: i mean, i believe you, i'm just really impressed!"

Well I'll admit that I dont always stay calm.There are only so many times you can explain the same thing without losing patience.

Quote "
in my experience all families are a hot mess in one way or another. i'm sorry this is happening.
i'm pretty sure there's a whole lot more to this than you can explain here, too.
you're not an awful person, either. :)"

Yes,there is a lot more,many layers in fact. And thanks for the vote of confidence.lol I just feel like we're ruining our Christian testimony when we cant even get along with each other. It really bothers me.


Quote "
i know it's hard when people won't accept the guy you think is so terrific you married him.my husband and i went through some similar things in the early years (years 1-19. how's that for encouragement? lol!)"

19yrs! oh boy. You know my sisters husband had been divorced twice,to the same woman,and had a child out of wedlock and I accepted him into the family like a brother.That is why I cant understand why they wont accept my husband. I think its because he is a part of me. They'd like him except for that.


Quote "
honestly, i think your way to peace here is to accept you're not going to get the kind of peace you want right now"

I think Im slowly coming to that realization. :(


Quote "
unless you wanna reconsider the whole choke-hold scenario? :rolleyes:"

Dont temp me! Ive been training my 7 month German Shepard,I now have the strength to do it! rofl!








 
D

Depleted

Guest
#19
Quote "Let it go!"

Is it odd that I can hear you singing that to me?? lol The only problem with that is that we attend the same church,live in the same town and are kind of always in each others paths. There are so many angles to it now that not accepting hubby just scratches the surface of it. One on them unloaded on me last night and I stayed calm and explained myself. My husband says "why can't they see your heart?" Im starting to believe Im the awful person they seem to think I am :(
My family has gathered every year around the holidays, even when we fought. It is possible to make small talk and care about them, even if you won't be having them over for dinner any time soon.

"Hi. Great weather out."

"How's the new car?"

"Congratulations. I hear you got a new job" or "How is the job search going?"

"I'm sorry it didn't work out with you and your ex."

"The Eagles beat your Cowboys." (Guaranteed to get a scoff. lol)

"How are your kids doing in...?"

"Did you finish building the Round House?" (One brother is forever building himself a new place to call home.)

Talk about anything and all things. Just walk away when the elephant in the room is introduced into the conversation.

I usually go with, "Well, that was nice while it lasted. Time to go grab a soda/have a cigarette/see if Dad needs help/go talk to...."

It takes two to fight. If they insist on fighting, walk away.

(If Mom were alive today, she'd be asking, "Who are you and what did you do with my daughter?" lol)

It's to the point this Sunday will be odd because this is the first time in decades no one is fighting with someone else. (UNLESS I missed something again, which is quite possible.
:rolleyes:)
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#20

Oh wow,we could be twins separated at birth! That is my big issue too.People around me,family more than anything else, really affect me. My doctor told me once that I noticed non verbal conversation far more than the average person. He said it was a double edged sword. I dont want to be bitter,or angry.I steel myself against it but some of the things that have been said cut so deep.And Id rather they say it about me than my husband. He's got such a good heart.
Yeah, you're like me. The peacekeeper. The arbitrator. It's in us to notice non-verbal. That was our job growing up. It doesn't work. We can't stop noticing, but we can shut up. Walk away at first sentence. You still hear that first sentence, but it beats hearing the entire dissertation. And they have that dissertation ready, because they've been practicing it on you all their lives. They know the buttons. They know their excuse. And mostly they know what will hurt you the most.

Walk away.