How to truly forgive?

[Mimi84]

Hey folks,

Hope you are all well.

Not sure where to start but I'm finding it hard to forgive someone and I know being a Christian now that I should.

It's my mother. She didn't raise me and my sister very well, some awful things happen to us due to her drinking and mental health problems. It's something that I try and avoid and pretend it didn't happen. She would of not feed us, left us alone at home, have strange men in the house, she stripped me naked infront of one of them once when she was drunk and she thought this was hilarious at the time.. I also had a drunk man get into my bed while I was sleeping and he was trying to cuddle me.. I have my own children and would never subject them to this, a few years ago I wanted I asked her things and she stopped speaking to me for 2 years!

I don't fell like I love her

But if I don't forgive does God not forgive me?

I'm doing a forgiveness course in church and it was the first time I'd brought it up, I felt the presence of Holy Spirit come over and blurted it out with many years.. I just don't know how I'm going to forgive her though.. and do I need to have a relationship with her? I see her every few weeks but that's enough for me.

I've been praying about it all. Just worried that I won't be forgiven over it all.

Had anyone got good advice or been through child neglect/abuse that could help me?

There's so many other things that went on that are stuck in my head

God bless

S x

 

[Pilkington]

Mimi84,

I haven't been neglected or abused however I have struggled to forgive certain people.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting what has happened, it also doesn't mean that you accept what she did was OK. It doesn't mean that you necessarily have to have a relationship with the person. It does mean that you don't hold it against the person, instead of wanting to deal with it yourself you allow God to deal with the person over how the person treated you.

God will help you forgive her but it does not mean that you will not find you go back and rack over it again and find you have to forgive her again. The Holy Spirit will guide you and if he convicts you that you need to forgive her then He will also help you to.

Will be praying for you.

 

[LaurenTM]

there is only one way to forgive

from the heart...and yes it hurts and it can be a process...but Jesus requires that of us and it is actually for our own good

unforgiveness will fester like an infected wound and create bitterness and even blaming God for whatever ails you

Jesus said this:

23“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,

24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5

and this:

21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

22Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
23“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold[SUP]h[/SUP] was brought to him.

25Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

26“At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’

27The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

28“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.[SUP]i[/SUP] He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

29“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

30“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.

31When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

32“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.

33Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’

34In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
Matthew 18

this is what you should do...this is what Jesus said...any other advice will not help...forgiveness is the only way out

Just as God in Christ has forgiven each of us, so we must also forgive

 

[FreeNChrist]

Hey folks,

Hope you are all well.

Not sure where to start but I'm finding it hard to forgive someone and I know being a Christian now that I should.

It's my mother. She didn't raise me and my sister very well, some awful things happen to us due to her drinking and mental health problems. It's something that I try and avoid and pretend it didn't happen. She would of not feed us, left us alone at home, have strange men in the house, she stripped me naked infront of one of them once when she was drunk and she thought this was hilarious at the time.. I also had a drunk man get into my bed while I was sleeping and he was trying to cuddle me.. I have my own children and would never subject them to this, a few years ago I wanted I asked her things and she stopped speaking to me for 2 years!

I don't fell like I love her

But if I don't forgive does God not forgive me?

I'm doing a forgiveness course in church and it was the first time I'd brought it up, I felt the presence of Holy Spirit come over and blurted it out with many years.. I just don't know how I'm going to forgive her though.. and do I need to have a relationship with her? I see her every few weeks but that's enough for me.

I've been praying about it all. Just worried that I won't be forgiven over it all.

Had anyone got good advice or been through child neglect/abuse that could help me?

There's so many other things that went on that are stuck in my head

God bless

S x

It is the recognition our own sin, and that God has forgiven us, that is the basis of our forgiveness of others (Col. 2:13, 3:13, Eph. 4:32). Withholding forgiveness only poisons us.

Having said that, it is good to remember that as C S Lewis said, "Forgiveness does not mean excusing."

 

[LaurenTM]

do I need to have a relationship with her?

in my opinion, no you do not!

forgiveness does not mean you have to place yourself back in the place where the source of your abuse and pain came from

and don't feel guilty about it either! take it ALL...every scrap of it...and pour out your heart to God...He already knows and He understands

it is yourself you are wrestling with...and God wants to win the fight for you...what happened was not right, but you cannot change it...I understand...many people will understand, but in the end no one but you can get your heart in the right place with God...broken trust from those who are supposed to protect us is extremely painful...it does not matter how we feel

forgiveness is a decision...not how we feel...say you forgive a thousand times if you have to...don't let others control you by your past

 

[Depleted]

Hey folks,

Hope you are all well.

Not sure where to start but I'm finding it hard to forgive someone and I know being a Christian now that I should.

It's my mother. She didn't raise me and my sister very well, some awful things happen to us due to her drinking and mental health problems. It's something that I try and avoid and pretend it didn't happen. She would of not feed us, left us alone at home, have strange men in the house, she stripped me naked infront of one of them once when she was drunk and she thought this was hilarious at the time.. I also had a drunk man get into my bed while I was sleeping and he was trying to cuddle me.. I have my own children and would never subject them to this, a few years ago I wanted I asked her things and she stopped speaking to me for 2 years!

I don't fell like I love her

But if I don't forgive does God not forgive me?

I'm doing a forgiveness course in church and it was the first time I'd brought it up, I felt the presence of Holy Spirit come over and blurted it out with many years.. I just don't know how I'm going to forgive her though.. and do I need to have a relationship with her? I see her every few weeks but that's enough for me.

I've been praying about it all. Just worried that I won't be forgiven over it all.

Had anyone got good advice or been through child neglect/abuse that could help me?

There's so many other things that went on that are stuck in my head

God bless

S x

We are called to love. Love God, love others, love our enemy. Did that just freak you out?

Good! It's supposed to. Is it possible? You tell me! Can YOU love even your enemy?

I know I can't. But then again how are we supposed to love the unlovable? The same way God loves us -- through his power, not ours. Until we get we were God's enemy, and yet he chose us to be his family, we don't really get how to love our enemy... or our friends, or strangers, or our family.

What's that got to do with forgive? Everything! Forgive is love is God. And God loved enough to love us to hell and back. (Literally.)

This is how we love, remembering he first loved us knowing exactly what we did against him. (Remember what you did against him? Yeah! That one. The stuff you never want to say out loud.)

How can we not pass that along? The first thing he did for us was to forgive us. How can we not pass that along?

That's how. His power, not our power.

And, heads up. We, being stuck being ego-centric, will also want to take back that forgiveness quite often. Whenever we catch ourselves holding onto it again, we have to hand it back to the God who forgave us too. (It's going to be often, but the longer we're in Christ, the less often it happens. That too is God's power.)

How do you forgive your mom? What did you do against her? All of it.

How often has she forgiven you? Ever? That's a starting point. And I can see one time where you did something against her. You wanted questions answered and it turned into a fight. What part of that was you doing something that you thought was more important than she was at that moment? That is one spot where you need forgiveness too.

If we come at forgiveness as something we need for our actions as well as what the other person did to us, it's a starting point. A moment when you realize you no more earned it than the other person. And then add on God's love, the ground is set to truly forgive.

Can you seek that with your mom? (Maybe you can't, because she is too dangerous, so that is a real question.) If you can and you have the heart to be forgiven again, and to forgive, I don't think they're will be another two years out of your life away from her. It's worth it. I've had more years with my dad and without the anger, then I had with the anger. He never changed. God changed me.

But if it is too dangerous, it has to happen within you. I will never go seek to forgive the guys who raped me. I can't say I love them in great swathing ways. But God has given me this much love -- that he has me pray for them to be saved. Is there a greater love than that?

Forgiveness and love of a human scale is impossible, or... at least greatly flawed. With God it is doable. And he changes us to his good for doing just that.

 

[Dan58]

If your mother truly regrets how she treated you, then your obligated to forgive her.. Otherwise, I don't believe its required. Also consider if she has mental problems? Jesus said; "If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him" (Luke 17:3). Forgiving an unrepentant person just sets you up for more abuse, and I doubt its God's desire that you make yourself a willing victim. Forgiving abusive behavior is excusing it. Sometimes honoring a drunken parent is just a matter of putting up with them and tolerating what they are, and that's enough.. jmo

 

[LaurenTM]

If your mother truly regrets how she treated you, then your obligated to forgive her.. Otherwise, I don't believe its required. Also consider if she has mental problems? Jesus said; "If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him" (Luke 17:3). Forgiving an unrepentant person just sets you up for more abuse, and I doubt its God's desire that you make yourself a willing victim. Forgiving abusive behavior is excusing it. Sometimes honoring a drunken parent is just a matter of putting up with them and tolerating what they are, and that's enough.. jmo

Dan...

if we have an obligation, it is not to another person...it is to the Lord who has first of all forgiven us and restored us to Himself through the blood of His Son

we must always forgive because we are always forgiven

we have no say over how another behaves...we can only address our own behavior and how we choose to behave

Jesus died for us while we were still sinners and we forgive with no strings attached

as I already said, Mimi is not obligated to go back into an abusive relationship if the abuser does not admit to the damage and has not sought help to change

I think we need to take the words of Jesus to heart...because they will heal our own hearts...irregardless of whether or not our expectations in others are met

 

[Grace777x70]

Focus on the Lord's forgiveness to us and this will release His forgiveness that is in us - His nature that is really our new heart in Christ - the new man - the new creation in Christ will manifest His life.

Colossians 3:12-13 (NASB)
[SUP]12 [/SUP] So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience;

[SUP]13 [/SUP] bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.

Ephesians 4:32 (NASB)
[SUP]32 [/SUP] Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Jesus said "He who has been forgiven much - loves much."

The love of God that is in us in Christ will be released to forgive others as we get a greater revelation of our total forgiveness in Christ.

What we behold - we become. If anyone be in Christ, they are a new creation. Behold new things have come.

 

[Mimi84]

Thanks everyone.. it's going to be very hard.. she still doesn't treat me right.. i think I need to stay away to be honest

 

[Pilkington]

I think particularly when a family member does not treat us appropriately and this is an ongoing issue it is very difficult. It is sometimes necessary to have appropriate boundaries. Yes it is hard to forgive but it is possible, as others have said forcus on how much God has forgiven you.

 

[Corbinscam]

Ask God for His help. Ask him to show you how to treat her, how to handle her treatment of you and how to see her as He sees her. And be ready for Him to actually do it.

 

[Dan58]

Dan...

if we have an obligation, it is not to another person...it is to the Lord who has first of all forgiven us and restored us to Himself through the blood of His Son

we must always forgive because we are always forgiven

we have no say over how another behaves...we can only address our own behavior and how we choose to behave

Jesus died for us while we were still sinners and we forgive with no strings attached

as I already said, Mimi is not obligated to go back into an abusive relationship if the abuser does not admit to the damage and has not sought help to change

I think we need to take the words of Jesus to heart...because they will heal our own hearts...irregardless of whether or not our expectations in others are met

I personally don't think we are always forgiven.. If that were true, there would be no need for judgment or a Lake of Fire.

Jesus died for those who accept him and repent. For those who reject him and refuse to repent, there is no forgiveness. There are strings attached, salvation is conditional and so is forgiveness.

I agree with most of what you wrote, but the bible teaches 'to forgive others just as your Father in Heaven forgives you' (Colossians 3:13 & Ephesians 4:32). How and when does God forgive us? When we confess our sins and repent of them. Imo, that's when the OP should forgive her mother.

 

[LaurenTM]

I personally don't think we are always forgiven.. If that were true, there would be no need for judgment or a Lake of Fire.

Jesus died for those who accept him and repent. For those who reject him and refuse to repent, there is no forgiveness. There are strings attached, salvation is conditional and so is forgiveness.

I agree with most of what you wrote, but the bible teaches 'to forgive others just as your Father in Heaven forgives you' (Colossians 3:13 & Ephesians 4:32). How and when does God forgive us? When we confess our sins and repent of them. Imo, that's when the OP should forgive her mother.

well, Dan, how about the Lord's prayer?

forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us

note: forgiveness on the part of the offended person does mean that they are automatically saved..HOWEVER...the offenses between Christians are myriad and many...and what does Jesus say in that case?

leave your gift at the altar...in other words, before you approach God, get your horizontal relationships fixed first

frankly, I believe that when we forgive, we are 'freeing' up that person and ourselves as well and who knows how God will work in their lives!!!

 

[Mimi84]

So I'm not forgiven

 

[LaurenTM]

So I'm not forgiven

if you are saved you are forgiven...I think you need to speak with your pastor about this as there is some confusion I think

I have been in the process of forgiving a couple of people for a number of years now...I forgive them but still live with the effects of what they did

so, when I start to 'feel' a certain way, I say I forgive so and so and I ask God to bless them

they are Christians and they did some terrible things to me...but if I dwell on it, I will become very angry and I will loose my peace...besides, God knows what happened and He will work it out

 

[Mimi84]

Yes I will speak to him.. it's all very confusing and I know God is not the author of confusion

 

[PennEd]

Hey folks,

Hope you are all well.

Not sure where to start but I'm finding it hard to forgive someone and I know being a Christian now that I should.

It's my mother. She didn't raise me and my sister very well, some awful things happen to us due to her drinking and mental health problems. It's something that I try and avoid and pretend it didn't happen. She would of not feed us, left us alone at home, have strange men in the house, she stripped me naked infront of one of them once when she was drunk and she thought this was hilarious at the time.. I also had a drunk man get into my bed while I was sleeping and he was trying to cuddle me.. I have my own children and would never subject them to this, a few years ago I wanted I asked her things and she stopped speaking to me for 2 years!

I don't fell like I love her

But if I don't forgive does God not forgive me?

I'm doing a forgiveness course in church and it was the first time I'd brought it up, I felt the presence of Holy Spirit come over and blurted it out with many years.. I just don't know how I'm going to forgive her though.. and do I need to have a relationship with her? I see her every few weeks but that's enough for me.

I've been praying about it all. Just worried that I won't be forgiven over it all.

Had anyone got good advice or been through child neglect/abuse that could help me?

There's so many other things that went on that are stuck in my head

God bless

S x

I am so terribly sorry you went through what you did.
I don't believe forgiving is even possible without the Holy Spirit. That's why it's so encouraging to hear that you felt His Presence like you did.
The key for me was the revelation that the person that wrongs me is just a sad, broken, hurting, desperate soul, in need of Jesus. Just like I am.
If you can see your mom in those terms, NOT EXPECTING ANY ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF WRONGDOING, OR RECIPROCATION, then I believe you can forgive her.
Holy Father, please let Your Spirit reign in this young lady's heart. Give her a peace and a joy in the knowledge of You and Your completed work. In Jesus sweet Name I pray.

 

[LaurenTM]

Yes I will speak to him.. it's all very confusing and I know God is not the author of confusion

I think that will be a good idea for you...the last thing I want to do is confuse someone

understand that forgiveness is a decision...we don't have to feel like it

some wounds are so deep I think God keeps us from feeling it all at one time

God bless you Mimi!

 

[Depleted]

So I'm not forgiven

Do you trust God?

What does he say about your forgiveness?

(Only one in the whole universe that keeps his word.)