Honouring abusive parents

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M

Mooky

Guest
#1
#1
Hi all,
I am seeking advice on how to honour manipulative and controlling parents.My dad is an ex- alcoholic ...so he has some co dependant tendancies.He raises his voice when he doesnt get his way ....but he is now a christian.
He tends to forget that for about 32 years of my life he has made no positive contribution.I am his only child and my mum is deceased.
How to I go about setting boundaries with a spoilt, entitled man - child who feels the world owes him something?
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#2
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
112
0
#2
Boundaries. Taking care of your emotional health is honoring your parents
 
M

Miri

Guest
#5
#5
Mooky said:
Hi all,
I am seeking advice on how to honour manipulative and controlling parents.My dad is an ex- alcoholic ...so he has some co dependant tendancies.He raises his voice when he doesnt get his way ....but he is now a christian.
He tends to forget that for about 32 years of my life he has made no positive contribution.I am his only child and my mum is deceased.
How to I go about setting boundaries with a spoilt, entitled man - child who feels the world owes him something?
Click to expand...

Pray, let God sort him out. God is good at the impossible.

In the meantime. Try what I do to one of my brothers (who isn't a christian) calmly ask him not
to shout and ask him why he feels the way he does and try to get him to explain it to you calmly.

If you have never tried this before with your father, his first reaction might be to look at
you with astonishment, his second will be to render him speechless.

(At least it works with my brother - once I saw him positively go pale in the face and
open and close his mouth several times like a goldfish but no words would come out. It was
the first time anyone in the family had dared to challenge him about his behaviour.)

When a person is very shouty and use to getting their own way and hearing others shout
and argue back, they just don't know how to react when someone else breaks the pattern.

As for boundaries, calmly tell him what your expectations are and remind him you are both
adults now.

Did I also say pray. :)

Ps you may also have some issues to deal with even if you don't recognise it. Issues to
do with anger and disappointment at the past.
 
M

Mooky

Guest
#6
#6
He is controlling in that he demands a call on fathers day - which I dont feel he is entitled to,He also tries to extract information from me about my life .......again so he can have control.tbh I dont quite know how to formulate the words to describe how he is .....he is just a demanding entitled old man....
 
M

Miri

Guest
#7
#7
Mooky said:
He is controlling in that he demands a call on fathers day - which I dont feel he is entitled to,He also tries to extract information from me about my life .......again so he can have control.tbh I dont quite know how to formulate the words to describe how he is .....he is just a demanding entitled old man....
Click to expand...

You know, maybe, just maybe he feels guilty about the past and wants to build a
relationship with you and get to know you. If so, he probably feels sad and guilty
that you don't seem to want to let him in. (Looking at it from his side of things).

Maybe you could try to meet him half way, make that call on Father's Day, let him know
how you are doing. If he over steps the mark just explain to him why and that he has
to allow you space to make your own choices.

It sounds like you both have a lot of healing to do.
 
M

Miri

Guest
#8
#8
Ps if he is elderly he may well be thinking of the short time he had left to make
things up with you.
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#9
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
112
0
#9
Mooky said:
He is controlling in that he demands a call on fathers day - which I dont feel he is entitled to,He also tries to extract information from me about my life .......again so he can have control.tbh I dont quite know how to formulate the words to describe how he is .....he is just a demanding entitled old man....
Click to expand...
it's always to best to stick to how you feel about your experience with someone. The first thing is to use "I" language. Try your best to not use the inflammatory word "you"....as in you are "fill in the blank".

When I have a bad experience with someone I'll usually say something like:
I feel manipulated by that comment...can you explain what you meant by that? Or, I didn't like it when you said x, I felt belittled by that. I need you to do that different.

Or you can say...if I feel like calling on fathers day I will....if not, I won't... but it is my choice.

Ultimately we get to tell people how we want them to treat us. They have a choice to follow suit or not... and if they don't we can adjust how and when we interact with them.

Ultimately, your own internal dialogue and speaking the truth to yourself about the way someone tries to define you in a negative light... is key to good emotional health. If the message you are receiving from your dad is that you are a failure as a child....you can say, the way you talk to me makes me feel like I am a failure as a child but the truth is that I am a good daughter who loves you and wants the best for you and our relationship.

It takes time but if you put these principles into practice you will take your power back from him.
 
M

Mooky

Guest
#10
#10
Miri said:
Ps if he is elderly he may well be thinking of the short time he had left to make
things up with you.
Click to expand...
Very insightful,Miri!I will try to keep this in mind. :)
 
M

Mooky

Guest
#11
#11
Sirk said:
it's always to best to stick to how you feel about your experience with someone. The first thing is to use "I" language. Try your best to not use the inflammatory word "you"....as in you are "fill in the blank".

When I have a bad experience with someone I'll usually say something like:
I feel manipulated by that comment...can you explain what you meant by that? Or, I didn't like it when you said x, I felt belittled by that. I need you to do that different.

Or you can say...if I feel like calling on fathers day I will....if not, I won't... but it is my choice.

Ultimately we get to tell people how we want them to treat us. They have a choice to follow suit or not... and if they don't we can adjust how and when we interact with them.

Ultimately, your own internal dialogue and speaking the truth to yourself about the way someone tries to define you in a negative light... is key to good emotional health. If the message you are receiving from your dad is that you are a failure as a child....you can say, the way you talk to me makes me feel like I am a failure as a child but the truth is that I am a good daughter who loves you and wants the best for you and our relationship.

It takes time but if you put these principles into practice you will take your power back from him.
Click to expand...

Thank - you,Sirk.Good advice.
 
M

Mooky

Guest
#12
#12
Miri said:
You know, maybe, just maybe he feels guilty about the past and wants to build a
relationship with you and get to know you. If so, he probably feels sad and guilty
that you don't seem to want to let him in. (Looking at it from his side of things).

Maybe you could try to meet him half way, make that call on Father's Day, let him know
how you are doing. If he over steps the mark just explain to him why and that he has
to allow you space to make your own choices.

It sounds like you both have a lot of healing to do.
Click to expand...
We do indeed have healing to do.I have tried to gloss over things and honour him by indulging him- but this is not honouring him in truth.I still have so much resentment over how he treated me and my mother growing up - and it has influenced my perceptions of men and marriage.
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#13
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
112
0
#13
Mooky said:
We do indeed have healing to do.I have tried to gloss over things and honour him by indulging him- but this is not honouring him in truth.I still have so much resentment over how he treated me and my mother growing up - and it has influenced my perceptions of men and marriage.
Click to expand...
a false peace is no peace at all.
 
M

Mooky

Guest
#14
#14
Sirk said:
a false peace is no peace at all.
Click to expand...
Amen.But its hard when the offending party wont own up to or take responsibility for their negative behaviour and damage they have done.
 
M

Miri

Guest
#15
#15
Mooky said:
We do indeed have healing to do.I have tried to gloss over things and honour him by indulging him- but this is not honouring him in truth.I still have so much resentment over how he treated me and my mother growing up - and it has influenced my perceptions of men and marriage.
Click to expand...

Parents have a big emotional hold over their children, no matter how old the parties are.
I think it explains a lot about generational issues as mentioned in the bible.
So for example an abused child feels angry and distant from parents, they go onto
have children but may find it hard to be close to them. Then those children grow up feeling
distant and disappointed and find relationships hard etc.

The love of Jesus conquers all, with His help you can break the emotions and feelings you have
about your past and learn to love your father, breaking that mould.

I know I did. My own mums family were very strange, disfunctional, lots of problems
physical abuse, swearing, alcohol. My own mum developed schizophrenia, when I was born I
was put into foster care. (This is the very brief version the longer version is somewhere in the
testimony forum).

Anyway my aunt fostered me but she had lots of problems herself due to the upbringing.
She also has 4 sons of her own all older than me, who also have problems due to their
upbringing.

Life at home was very noisey, lots of shouting and swearing as my aunt repeated the
parenting skills of her parents. Then she became a Christian when I was about 9.

Eventually I became a christian, I've had to overcome a lot, my own hurts and disappointments
but ive overcome and I've been the one to break the mould in the family and not repeat the
generational past.

Im saying this because if you can recognise it in yourself, then you have an opportunity to
turn things around for both you and your dad, or at least learn to do dad relationships in a
different way.
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#16
Mar 2, 2016
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112
0
#16
Mooky said:
Amen.But its hard when the offending party wont own up to or take responsibility for their negative behaviour and damage they have done.
Click to expand...
And often they never do. That's why you have to speak to yourself the way you want THEM to. I think the world treats and talks to us the way we treat and talk to ourselves. "Self fulfilling prophesy".
 
J

JustWhoIAm

Guest
#17
#17
Mooky said:
Hi all,
I am seeking advice on how to honour manipulative and controlling parents.My dad is an ex- alcoholic ...so he has some co dependant tendancies.He raises his voice when he doesnt get his way ....but he is now a christian.
He tends to forget that for about 32 years of my life he has made no positive contribution.I am his only child and my mum is deceased.
How to I go about setting boundaries with a spoilt, entitled man - child who feels the world owes him something?
Click to expand...
I don't know that you can reasonably call abusive and controlling people "family". Being real I have struggled with the same type of things in the past and have given much thought to this type of thing.

Ok, we are commanded to honor our mother and father, but Jesus said that his family were those who were doing the will of God. Being abusive and controlling isn't doing his will ("Who would give their child a serpent instead of an egg or a stone instead of bread?"). In such a situation they are opting to negate their claim as family by being abusive (From personal experience, slander and scapegoating can be a big part of the effort to 'control' even if the victim has taken many steps to get away from their influence, just sayin').

You say that your "dad" is a believer. This is what the bible says about complaint with believers:

In such a case, follow these steps to the best of your ability:

“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector."

If they continue manipulating circumstances in your life and controlling what you do even when you try to get away from their BS without making an honest attempt to mediate with you reasonably as above then you are more than justified in skipping directly to the last step.

In addition, the bible tells us oppressing a widow or an orphan in any way (abuse) will lead God to pour out his wrath on those doing the oppressing. It's pretty clear about these things. You'd be fully justified if all of the above criteria are met in taking matters into your own hands.

It happened to me. A lot. My family is Satanists and molesters, though. Long story.

God bless, guide and protect you. May you find justice.
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#18
#18
Mooky said:
Amen.But its hard when the offending party wont own up to or take responsibility for their negative behaviour and damage they have done.
Click to expand...
My biological father never apologized for his abuse and would beg that I buy him a house or let him live with my family. I would get mad and hang up. Then not call for a month.

My mom and dad got a divorce when I was 8 after he beat her so bad that she went to the hospital with broken ribs.

I stop expecting him to apologize and only was able to truly forgive him when I realize how much God had forgiven me.

We don't deserve God's grace, but he gave it to us anyway

Forgive you dad, not for his sake but so your own heart can heal.
 
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J

JustWhoIAm

Guest
#20
#20
Ariel82 said:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-34yLLSS38M
Click to expand...
"If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.” -Luke 17:3

We're not called to be doormats in the case of repeated abuse - sometimes we even have families who stalk us around no matter how we try to get away (it's the information age!) and try to keep us trapped in the cycle. In any case if they do not take steps toward reconciliation in a clear and non-manipulative manner when it is in their ability to do so then we are under no obligation to treat them as friends or to submit to them as family.
 
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