ArtsieSteph's dad's cancer superthread
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He’s off the original drug and now on another drug. One that him supppper tire.
But real talk my mother doesn’t trust me to take care of dad anymore. I’m not trained, I’m not math inclined, I’m not super meticulous. She is, sans the trained part, and she has begun to slowly take over what needs to be done because she doesn’t think I’m doing a good enough job.
I know that dads well being trumps my feelings and pride, but I just feel like nothing I do is good enough. And I sadly can’t always follow her order of doing things because I’m not as smart as she is and things have to be a certain way for me otherwise I get confused and mess up. Sadly part of it is my laziness. Ok the kind of person that when a doctor says something I go “oh ok” as opposed to my mom who asked pointed questions. This is good. I just....I’m not her. I’ll never be her. And I’m afraid she won’t be satisfied even if I WAS her.
We’re all just so tired. So tired.
But real talk my mother doesn’t trust me to take care of dad anymore. I’m not trained, I’m not math inclined, I’m not super meticulous. She is, sans the trained part, and she has begun to slowly take over what needs to be done because she doesn’t think I’m doing a good enough job.
I know that dads well being trumps my feelings and pride, but I just feel like nothing I do is good enough. And I sadly can’t always follow her order of doing things because I’m not as smart as she is and things have to be a certain way for me otherwise I get confused and mess up. Sadly part of it is my laziness. Ok the kind of person that when a doctor says something I go “oh ok” as opposed to my mom who asked pointed questions. This is good. I just....I’m not her. I’ll never be her. And I’m afraid she won’t be satisfied even if I WAS her.
We’re all just so tired. So tired.
Steph, please don't take this the wrong way, but... You are NOT cut out to be a health care giver. To daddy or anyone else.. It is a very draining job, physically and emotionally. And you're just not equipped in that capacity to deal with all the emotions involved in being an end of life care giver, or care giver in general.
That being said, taking care of daddy isn't about being "good enough", nor is it about trying to compete with Mom or be as good as she is. It's awesome that Mom is finally stepping in and taking over, because YOU, are totally burnt out from dealing with all of this for so long. Things MUST be done "just so" with daddy. There's a right way and a wrong way of doing anything. And Mom just sees a better way.
You aren't in control here. Neither is Mom, neither is daddy. GOD is in control. So step aside and let Mom shoulder the burden for awhile..
That being said, taking care of daddy isn't about being "good enough", nor is it about trying to compete with Mom or be as good as she is. It's awesome that Mom is finally stepping in and taking over, because YOU, are totally burnt out from dealing with all of this for so long. Things MUST be done "just so" with daddy. There's a right way and a wrong way of doing anything. And Mom just sees a better way.
You aren't in control here. Neither is Mom, neither is daddy. GOD is in control.
So step aside and let Mom shoulder the burden for awhile..
D
Real-up. Do you trust you when it comes to your father's care? You said you aren't math inclined. Okay, neither am I, (unless we're talking money, and this ain't money.) I'd be terrified to give anything in mm., cm., or anything that has anything to do with the metric system. Does not compute in my mind. And, yet, heaven forbid, if I gave hubby 10 ccs when I'm supposed to give him 10 mms. (And, honestly, I'm so lost, I'm not even sure if that's a thing, or if I would have given him too much or too little.) But that's exactly what terrifies me in doing that. I don't know it, and it matters! So, is it like that for you? You really want to, but you know you could be dangerous in the effort?
If so, then good! Your mom does know!
And, honestly? Are you being lazy? Not does your mom say you're lazy. I'm asking you if you are being lazy? If I'm scared to do something, I can come up with 10,001 different reasons to postpone doing it. And, if I'm terrified, chances are good I'll never get to it. And, yet, I'm also very good at being lazy.
I don't want to hear what your mom is saying. I want to hear what you're saying.
Most people think relationships are 50/50. You give 50% and the other person gives 50%. But, not true, because we measure our 50% leniently. (We give ourselves all benefits of a doubt and then multiply the times we're really doing good exponentially.) And then we judge what the other is doing critically for everything they do, and divided what they do in half, or more.
I tell this to you for three reasons:
1. You're doing that to yourself.
2. You're doing that to your parents.
3. They're doing that to you.
Do you like it when they do that to you? No? (Good answer!) So don't do it to them either.
How? Don't know. I'm very much into being like that, so the only way around it I've gotten is a 90/10 relationship. 90% of the time, I do things for John just because I like to make his life easier. 10% of the time I don't because I'm "lazy," "tired," "selfish," whatever. But I don't think 100% of the time is maintainable. (Can do it for a few hours. Can't do it for a day. lol) And, whenever he does something, I double down on what he does. He does dishes -- yay! Twice as good as if I did dishes. (Dishes is no big deal to me, so I don't expect him to praise me for it. But I do thank him for it, knowing he doesn't think it's a big deal either.)
BUT, your situation is topsy-turvy now. Your dad can't! (That was his long burst of energy getting the house ready to sell. He knew he'd hit can't, so he was working hard to get ready for that.)
Your mom can! Unfortunately for her, she can do it all. (Kind of sorry to know she has nursing skills. Also glad. Sorry, because that makes it a very fuss-budgety kind of person who likes everything to go just right. Great personality for a nurse. Kind of stinks sometimes as Mom. And, yet, great she can do what you can't, because her doing that means Dad stays home longer.) Let her be that. Praise her for being that, because she needs to hear she's doing good too. You're losing your dad, but she's losing her husband. Not good either way, but understand this is why tempers are flaring. Everyone of you is terrified of what the future holds.
Don't add to the flare. (Again. 90% of the time, because 100% can't be maintained. lol)
Watch your mom. What would she be doing, if she wasn't taking care of your dad? How about doing that? I'm sure dinner is in that. I'm sure dishes is in that. Laundry. Shopping. Getting the stupid car inspected. (Objects become stupid exactly when we do not want to have to deal with the hassle. Just thought you'd like to know when they become stupid.) Bills? (Arguing with billers is a favorite past time with me. lol) That does help your dad and it does help your mom. Doing what isn't getting done because he's sick.
I trust you to do housework. More important -- you trust you to do housework. (Getting car inspected, doing bills, running to the pharmacy or bank or hardware store is all "housework" to me.)
Your dad needs company. He needs you. You are the only you he needs right now. Spend at least a full hour a day being with him. For his sake and your sake. Quality time, not quantity time.
And, if you really are being lazy, figure out how much laziness you're allowed per day. Everyone is allowed a certain amount of laziness per day. Lazy isn't bad, in moderation.
Just don't feel like it's all your fault just because everyone is freaking and some of that freak out lands on you. It is your fault if you freak out on someone else. When you do that, how much time should they give you before you should be forgiven? In like kind, forgive in that short a time.
Your mom is a fuss-budget. Good for her! (My dad is too. lol) Fuss-budget is a good trait for times like these. Keep adding your good-traits into the mix and your family will get through this. Tattered and torn, but you will get through.
Read Psalm 23. This is The Valley of Death it's talking about. It's a real place. It's not fun. But the way to get through it is to trust the shepherd and go along with the herd. Your family is your herd. No one ever said we sheep smell good or behave well all the time. Sheep stink and they have horns on their head for a reason. Realize the herd isn't pretty, but if you stick together with the best-ever shepherd you will get through this.
If so, then good! Your mom does know!
And, honestly? Are you being lazy? Not does your mom say you're lazy. I'm asking you if you are being lazy? If I'm scared to do something, I can come up with 10,001 different reasons to postpone doing it. And, if I'm terrified, chances are good I'll never get to it. And, yet, I'm also very good at being lazy.
I don't want to hear what your mom is saying. I want to hear what you're saying.
Most people think relationships are 50/50. You give 50% and the other person gives 50%. But, not true, because we measure our 50% leniently. (We give ourselves all benefits of a doubt and then multiply the times we're really doing good exponentially.) And then we judge what the other is doing critically for everything they do, and divided what they do in half, or more.
I tell this to you for three reasons:
1. You're doing that to yourself.
2. You're doing that to your parents.
3. They're doing that to you.
Do you like it when they do that to you? No? (Good answer!) So don't do it to them either.
How? Don't know. I'm very much into being like that, so the only way around it I've gotten is a 90/10 relationship. 90% of the time, I do things for John just because I like to make his life easier. 10% of the time I don't because I'm "lazy," "tired," "selfish," whatever. But I don't think 100% of the time is maintainable. (Can do it for a few hours. Can't do it for a day. lol) And, whenever he does something, I double down on what he does. He does dishes -- yay! Twice as good as if I did dishes. (Dishes is no big deal to me, so I don't expect him to praise me for it. But I do thank him for it, knowing he doesn't think it's a big deal either.)
BUT, your situation is topsy-turvy now. Your dad can't! (That was his long burst of energy getting the house ready to sell. He knew he'd hit can't, so he was working hard to get ready for that.)
Your mom can! Unfortunately for her, she can do it all. (Kind of sorry to know she has nursing skills. Also glad. Sorry, because that makes it a very fuss-budgety kind of person who likes everything to go just right. Great personality for a nurse. Kind of stinks sometimes as Mom. And, yet, great she can do what you can't, because her doing that means Dad stays home longer.) Let her be that. Praise her for being that, because she needs to hear she's doing good too. You're losing your dad, but she's losing her husband. Not good either way, but understand this is why tempers are flaring. Everyone of you is terrified of what the future holds.
Don't add to the flare. (Again. 90% of the time, because 100% can't be maintained. lol)
Watch your mom. What would she be doing, if she wasn't taking care of your dad? How about doing that? I'm sure dinner is in that. I'm sure dishes is in that. Laundry. Shopping. Getting the stupid car inspected. (Objects become stupid exactly when we do not want to have to deal with the hassle. Just thought you'd like to know when they become stupid.) Bills? (Arguing with billers is a favorite past time with me. lol) That does help your dad and it does help your mom. Doing what isn't getting done because he's sick.
I trust you to do housework. More important -- you trust you to do housework. (Getting car inspected, doing bills, running to the pharmacy or bank or hardware store is all "housework" to me.)
Your dad needs company. He needs you. You are the only you he needs right now. Spend at least a full hour a day being with him. For his sake and your sake. Quality time, not quantity time.
And, if you really are being lazy, figure out how much laziness you're allowed per day. Everyone is allowed a certain amount of laziness per day. Lazy isn't bad, in moderation.
Just don't feel like it's all your fault just because everyone is freaking and some of that freak out lands on you. It is your fault if you freak out on someone else. When you do that, how much time should they give you before you should be forgiven? In like kind, forgive in that short a time.
Your mom is a fuss-budget. Good for her! (My dad is too. lol) Fuss-budget is a good trait for times like these. Keep adding your good-traits into the mix and your family will get through this. Tattered and torn, but you will get through.
Read Psalm 23. This is The Valley of Death it's talking about. It's a real place. It's not fun. But the way to get through it is to trust the shepherd and go along with the herd. Your family is your herd. No one ever said we sheep smell good or behave well all the time. Sheep stink and they have horns on their head for a reason. Realize the herd isn't pretty, but if you stick together with the best-ever shepherd you will get through this.
D
Steph, please don't take this the wrong way, but... You are NOT cut out to be a health care giver. To daddy or anyone else.. It is a very draining job, physically and emotionally. And you're just not equipped in that capacity to deal with all the emotions involved in being an end of life care giver, or care giver in general.
That being said, taking care of daddy isn't about being "good enough", nor is it about trying to compete with Mom or be as good as she is. It's awesome that Mom is finally stepping in and taking over, because YOU, are totally burnt out from dealing with all of this for so long. Things MUST be done "just so" with daddy. There's a right way and a wrong way of doing anything. And Mom just sees a better way.
You aren't in control here. Neither is Mom, neither is daddy. GOD is in control. So step aside and let Mom shoulder the burden for awhile..
That being said, taking care of daddy isn't about being "good enough", nor is it about trying to compete with Mom or be as good as she is. It's awesome that Mom is finally stepping in and taking over, because YOU, are totally burnt out from dealing with all of this for so long. Things MUST be done "just so" with daddy. There's a right way and a wrong way of doing anything. And Mom just sees a better way.
You aren't in control here. Neither is Mom, neither is daddy. GOD is in control.
So step aside and let Mom shoulder the burden for awhile..
(And my best wasn't good enough. First night home, John fell. I had gone to bed in the air-conditioned bedroom, kept the door cracked in case he needed me, the stairs are a few feet from that door. AND where he fell. Never. Heard. A. Thing. And he was shouting for me. Fortunately, he was trained how to get up from PT before he came home. Otherwise I would have found him at the bottom of the steps the next morning.)
It's okay not to be good enough, especially if someone who is good enough is with you.
M
Hi Steph you’ve had some good answers.
The bit about not knowing how to ask questions like your mum does.
That comes with age and experience. I was like that and just accepted
things people told me when I was your age, I expect your mum did the same
too at some point.
Life changes you as you get older and you gain more life experience.
No one is expecting either of you to be the nurse, I take care of my elderly
aunt and I know a lot about her conditions now, but I’m not a nurse. I just
do my best. It’s all anyone can do.
It doesn’t mean you are stupid or lazy at all. I have days when I just don’t feel
like doing anything, that’s not lazyiness its exhaustion emotionally just as
much as physically! You are way too hard on yourself, and need to look
after yourself more.
I found I wasn’t taking care of myself at one point and that added to the tiredness,
now i try to make sure I don’t go to bed too late, eat better and at one point I
started taking a multi Vit supplement, plus I try to get out a bit more, go for a walk,
pop into town. It’s important to take care of yourself it can’t be all looking after dad
and housework.
You need a few hours for yourself to recharge your batteries. Even nurses and
staff in care homes have their days off. It’s tiring being the go getter person,
you know the person who has to be the arms and legs of the other person.
Just fetching, carrying all day long where you don’t seem to sit still for more
than 20 mins, is tiring.
So dont be so hard on yourself, you are doing good.
The bit about not knowing how to ask questions like your mum does.
That comes with age and experience. I was like that and just accepted
things people told me when I was your age, I expect your mum did the same
too at some point.
Life changes you as you get older and you gain more life experience.
No one is expecting either of you to be the nurse, I take care of my elderly
aunt and I know a lot about her conditions now, but I’m not a nurse. I just
do my best. It’s all anyone can do.
It doesn’t mean you are stupid or lazy at all. I have days when I just don’t feel
like doing anything, that’s not lazyiness its exhaustion emotionally just as
much as physically! You are way too hard on yourself, and need to look
after yourself more.
I found I wasn’t taking care of myself at one point and that added to the tiredness,
now i try to make sure I don’t go to bed too late, eat better and at one point I
started taking a multi Vit supplement, plus I try to get out a bit more, go for a walk,
pop into town. It’s important to take care of yourself it can’t be all looking after dad
and housework.
You need a few hours for yourself to recharge your batteries. Even nurses and
staff in care homes have their days off. It’s tiring being the go getter person,
you know the person who has to be the arms and legs of the other person.
Just fetching, carrying all day long where you don’t seem to sit still for more
than 20 mins, is tiring.
So dont be so hard on yourself, you are doing good.
Try to understand that your mom has the same emotions and frustrations toward your dad that you have only from a different perspective. Your mom needs just as much compassion as your dad and you need. Comfort is what we all seek in suffering.
Sometimes it seems harder for the healthy to see the sick struggle than to sick themselves.
What does the Lord have for each in these situations? How do we thank the Lord for suffering? Real hard thing to do and yet we should.
Job 2:10 But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.
For the cause of Christ
Roger
Sometimes it seems harder for the healthy to see the sick struggle than to sick themselves.
What does the Lord have for each in these situations? How do we thank the Lord for suffering? Real hard thing to do and yet we should.
Job 2:10 But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.
For the cause of Christ
Roger
M
Yes im often the same with my aunt, she gets delerium when she’s been in hospital.
Plus when she gets UTIs or is on steroids and certain antibiotics, she starts hallucinating.
Or she has vivid dreams and thinks they are real. It’s hard at night as well when
I have to keep checking on her.
Its difficult and frustrating and worrying all at the same time isn’t it.
Do you know how long he will be on the pills for? Are his doctors aware of the
issues they cause your dad mentally? It may be they could change them if it’s long
term or give him something else to calm him down a little?
Bless you Steph you are doing a great job and I’m sure both of your
parents appreciate all you are doing.
D
Unless God's plan is for that miracle, it's going to keep getting harder.
And I don't blame him for not wanting to watch TV. If you knew your time was almost up, how much time would you want to watch TV?
How about watching TV during your personal time? And use your time with him whichever way he wants to use it? I spent a lot of time with John listening to what ever he wanted to talk about and then telling him whatever I wanted to. Between the two of us talking, we kept tabs on each other, how the world was going, and even the latest goings on in really weird ways. (Patient down the hall hollering at nurse. David Bowie. Hard sugar-free candy. lol) My fear was John was missing so much of outside world, but by talking with him I found out he had his own way of knowing what was going on outside his room. Often in splendid ways. I feared he was missing so much, yet that was the spring he learned the mating habits of robins before the tree filled with leaves. And he watched that tree fill out day by day.
At the corner of his window he saw a building with steam coming out the top. To me it was a building with steam coming out. He was a steamfitter, so it meant more to him. I had to pass that building every day, so I told him what it looked like more fully, in hope he could figure out what purpose it had. And he investigated without ever being able to get out of his bed just to get a better look at it. He thought it was the heat pump building for the hospital, but later on found out it was where they did the laundry.
Silly stuff, but he got a sense of accomplishment just by noticing something in his view.
Your Dad's view is getting smaller. Help him see what he can still see.
And, as for you? When you get time off, get out of the house, find a nice quiet place where no one will notice you, and jiggle it out. If you got to scream, scream! If you have to dance, dance! If you have to cry, cry! If you have to veg out, stare at the air between you and another object, until you stop having to do that, and are in total veg out stage. Do what you have to do for you, when you get personal time.
And you do get personal time. Because your mom and dad want alone time.
This isn't going to get easier, unless God planned miracle all along.
BUT, yay! At least he's puking less often. That was a golden moment for John, more than once! (They were feeding John through a tube so slowly, he got half an hour between feedings, and he was fed four times a day. That means he was being fed 17 hours a day.)
And I don't blame him for not wanting to watch TV. If you knew your time was almost up, how much time would you want to watch TV?
How about watching TV during your personal time? And use your time with him whichever way he wants to use it? I spent a lot of time with John listening to what ever he wanted to talk about and then telling him whatever I wanted to. Between the two of us talking, we kept tabs on each other, how the world was going, and even the latest goings on in really weird ways. (Patient down the hall hollering at nurse. David Bowie. Hard sugar-free candy. lol) My fear was John was missing so much of outside world, but by talking with him I found out he had his own way of knowing what was going on outside his room. Often in splendid ways. I feared he was missing so much, yet that was the spring he learned the mating habits of robins before the tree filled with leaves. And he watched that tree fill out day by day.
At the corner of his window he saw a building with steam coming out the top. To me it was a building with steam coming out. He was a steamfitter, so it meant more to him. I had to pass that building every day, so I told him what it looked like more fully, in hope he could figure out what purpose it had. And he investigated without ever being able to get out of his bed just to get a better look at it. He thought it was the heat pump building for the hospital, but later on found out it was where they did the laundry.
Silly stuff, but he got a sense of accomplishment just by noticing something in his view.
Your Dad's view is getting smaller. Help him see what he can still see.
And, as for you? When you get time off, get out of the house, find a nice quiet place where no one will notice you, and jiggle it out. If you got to scream, scream! If you have to dance, dance! If you have to cry, cry! If you have to veg out, stare at the air between you and another object, until you stop having to do that, and are in total veg out stage. Do what you have to do for you, when you get personal time.
And you do get personal time. Because your mom and dad want alone time.
This isn't going to get easier, unless God planned miracle all along.
BUT, yay! At least he's puking less often. That was a golden moment for John, more than once! (They were feeding John through a tube so slowly, he got half an hour between feedings, and he was fed four times a day. That means he was being fed 17 hours a day.
)