Brother can't control anger

[TemporaryCircumstances]

My 10 year old brother has had problems with anger for a few years now. He claims that he does not know why he hurts people (kids at school and teachers) and he can't control himself.

This is hard for me because

1) He is my brother I've known him since he was born and we have always been partners through it all and it's a little sad seeing him turn into well.... an awful person sometimes because of his anger

2) (please don't judge me I need to be honest) sometimes it bothers me a lot because when he doesn't something wrong, like this week he ran away, punched a kid, and laid on the floor and threw a fit at school, he never gets in trouble but when I do something such as get a B I'm grounded for a month and everything of mine is taken away


Do any of you have advice for how I could possibly get the feeling of jealousy from him not being punished out, and how to handle someone who can't handle their anger in the house?

(Yes, he is in therapy)

 

[resurrection33]

My 10 year old brother has had problems with anger for a few years now. He claims that he does not know why he hurts people (kids at school and teachers) and he can't control himself.

This is hard for me because

1) He is my brother I've known him since he was born and we have always been partners through it all and it's a little sad seeing him turn into well.... an awful person sometimes because of his anger

2) (please don't judge me I need to be honest) sometimes it bothers me a lot because when he doesn't something wrong, like this week he ran away, punched a kid, and laid on the floor and threw a fit at school, he never gets in trouble but when I do something such as get a B I'm grounded for a month and everything of mine is taken away


Do any of you have advice for how I could possibly get the feeling of jealousy from him not being punished out, and how to handle someone who can't handle their anger in the house?

(Yes, he is in therapy)

It would seem there are two issues here, your brother's anger, and your feeling that you are not treated fairly. And I think the more important issue to you is that you are not treated fairly. Life is like that, sometimes. It will all work out in the end, but sometimes we have to deal with unfairness. There will come a day when you leave your house and won't have to worry about this anymore. You'll have a whole new set of circumstances to deal with, hopefully enjoyable circumstances.

Anyway, it is good that your parents discipline you when you misbehave. It will make you happier in the long run. As for your parents' treatment of your brother, maybe you shouldn't worry about that.

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

It would seem there are two issues here, your brother's anger, and your feeling that you are not treated fairly. And I think the more important issue to you is that you are not treated fairly. Life is like that, sometimes. It will all work out in the end, but sometimes we have to deal with unfairness. There will come a day when you leave your house and won't have to worry about this anymore. You'll have a whole new set of circumstances to deal with, hopefully enjoyable circumstances.

Anyway, it is good that your parents discipline you when you misbehave. It will make you happier in the long run. As for your parents' treatment of your brother, maybe you shouldn't worry about that.

I'm fine with being disciplined.
I try not to worry but I just can't and I don't know why.

I have to disagree that the more important issue to me is that I feel I'm not being treated fair.
I hate what he has been doing, last night he went to bed crying in his room yelling about how he hated himself for doing what he did. It took all I had to not go up there and just hold him for eternity.
That....that right there is my biggest problem

 

[Susanna]

I'm fine with being disciplined.
I try not to worry but I just can't and I don't know why.

I have to disagree that the more important issue to me is that I feel I'm not being treated fair.
I hate what he has been doing, last night he went to bed crying in his room yelling about how he hated himself for doing what he did. It took all I had to not go up there and just hold him for eternity.
That....that right there is my biggest problem

You're a good hearted girl.

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

You're a good hearted girl.

Thank you...... Very much

 

[resurrection33]

I'm fine with being disciplined.
I try not to worry but I just can't and I don't know why.

I have to disagree that the more important issue to me is that I feel I'm not being treated fair.
I hate what he has been doing, last night he went to bed crying in his room yelling about how he hated himself for doing what he did. It took all I had to not go up there and just hold him for eternity.
That....that right there is my biggest problem

If your brother needs a shoulder to lean on, offer him yours. If he's being selfish, then don't let him lean on your shoulder.

 

[Fenner]

Oh boy that's tough. Do they not punish him at all or are they just not as hard on him as you? It's strange that I'm reading this tonight because I'm dealing wit th a similar situation with my Daughter, she is also ten and is an absolute angel at school, very quiet and shy, behaves does what she's asked. At home she is sometimes a terror, well a lot actually. We're working with a therapist to help me deal with her behavior in a better way and she's starting therapy Monday for anxiety and other things. I often wonder how my Son is handling often wonder how my Son is handling her explosive behavior. I don't put more pressure on him and she has privileges taken away when she is carrying on, for example she loves the TV show Steven Universe, if she explodes and has a tantrum she can't watch it for the day.

I think they are going easy on him because he's got some issues. They probably push you harder because they see your potential. They might be easy on him out of guilt too. Many times parents blame themselves when their child has problems. I've done it to myself many times. I'm not saying it's right that they do that but it might explain the reason.

This is not easy anyway around. I can understand the jealousy on your part, it would be very difficult. When you find yourself feeling that way pray to God to help take that feeling away.

 

[Fenner]

I'm fine with being disciplined.
I try not to worry but I just can't and I don't know why.

I have to disagree that the more important issue to me is that I feel I'm not being treated fair.
I hate what he has been doing, last night he went to bed crying in his room yelling about how he hated himself for doing what he did. It took all I had to not go up there and just hold him for eternity.
That....that right there is my biggest problem

That's not a problem, you have empathy for him, that's a good thing.

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

If your brother needs a shoulder to lean on, offer him yours. If he's being selfish, then don't let him lean on your shoulder.

The thing is....
I get very impatient with him. I feel like we don't have the relationship we used to. He has told me he hates me, and that may not seem like anything to outside people, but when you have the relationship we have had it hurts more than anything.
I am always his shoulder to lean on. I will always be there to hold him while he cries until he falls asleep. If he's being selfish or not.... I can't help myself.... I have been his mother figure it's just in me

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

Oh boy that's tough. Do they not punish him at all or are they just not as hard on him as you? It's strange that I'm reading this tonight because I'm dealing wit th a similar situation with my Daughter, she is also ten and is an absolute angel at school, very quiet and shy, behaves does what she's asked. At home she is sometimes a terror, well a lot actually. We're working with a therapist to help me deal with her behavior in a better way and she's starting therapy Monday for anxiety and other things. I often wonder how my Son is handling often wonder how my Son is handling her explosive behavior. I don't put more pressure on him and she has privileges taken away when she is carrying on, for example she loves the TV show Steven Universe, if she explodes and has a tantrum she can't watch it for the day.

I think they are going easy on him because he's got some issues. They probably push you harder because they see your potential. They might be easy on him out of guilt too. Many times parents blame themselves when their child has problems. I've done it to myself many times. I'm not saying it's right that they do that but it might explain the reason.

This is not easy anyway around. I can understand the jealousy on your part, it would be very difficult. When you find yourself feeling that way pray to God to help take that feeling away.

They just don't punish him.

Here is an example

Yesterday he was in his room crying yelling about how he hated hismelf, my step father went in and talked to him about how they weren't mad at him, how he didn't ruin anything.

When I did something wrong one time and I was in my room crying my step father came in pissed at me telling me how everything I did was my fault, and made me do push ups.


They get extremely mad at me for crying under any circumstance but they don't care at all if he does.

It just hurts sometimes.... I feel like they don't understand what I go through and how much it does hurt to well... be hated by them when they love my brother so much

 

[resurrection33]

The thing is....
I get very impatient with him. I feel like we don't have the relationship we used to. He has told me he hates me, and that may not seem like anything to outside people, but when you have the relationship we have had it hurts more than anything.
I am always his shoulder to lean on. I will always be there to hold him while he cries until he falls asleep. If he's being selfish or not.... I can't help myself.... I have been his mother figure it's just in me

I can understand that. For his own good, though, you mustn't reward his bad behavior.

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

I can understand that. For his own good, though, you mustn't reward his bad behavior.

I know..... but when I don't I feel like I'm the bad guy and hate myself

 

[Socreta93]

I may be wrong, but are they not that hard on him because of his anger? Are they afraid that by punishing, his anger could get worse? I see that the jealousy is the least of your problems, which is good since that means you care about him more than yourself so maybe try to be as kind to him. Try to find the source of his anger and guide him through it.
God Bless Natania

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

I may be wrong, but are they not that hard on him because of his anger? Are they afraid that by punishing, his anger could get worse? I see that the jealousy is the least of your problems, which is good since that means you care about him more than yourself so maybe try to be as kind to him. Try to find the source of his anger and guide him through it.
God Bless Natania

Yelling scares him. Or so says his therapist. His therapist says yelling makes him shut down. That's the only reason I know that they don't punish him.

I can't find the source of his anger. Neither can he. I've tried sitting down and talking to him, it's gotten to the point where he gets so frustrated because he can't hold back his anger and he keeps getting himself in trouble that he's told me he wants to kill himself (yes this has been reported)
But the point being, I or he can't find the reason.....

 

[Depleted]

Each one of us was treated differently. The oldest brother got the physical punishment the most, the older brother rarely, and me? As needed. (No angel, but my oldest was getting spanked every single day for one thing or another.)

Even when I was young, I got why my middle brother rarely got spankings. He was/is different. There weren't words for it yet, and he wouldn't find out what was wrong with him until about ten years ago, but he had really bad problems with school. He couldn't remember how to spell things or write numbers. He just couldn't, and he tried and tired. (Now it's called dyscalculia and dyslexia. But no one heard those words back then.) He considered himself a loser for not being able to do what even I could do. (Bad when you get help with your homework from little sister.) He also had a huge bit of whit. When he got spanked, he'd cry, scream and carry on, but when it was over he turn over and look at Dad with a big smile (and no tears) and say, "ha-ha, didn't even hurt." And Dad kept trying until he bruised his hand. Then he'd give up.

But, honestly, each child was treated differently, because we reacted differently. Your brother is so hurt. Besides feeling miserable, does his action change? No? Then it's true. Spanking doesn't hurt him. Time to come up with something that does hurt him.

And when your punished, does it work? Do your grades improve? If so, doing that to you motivates you. It works. And as it stands, your good grades are what will give you the choice to go to college through scholarship, so they do matter. The more A's you have the better chance at scholarships. You're final three years mean the most.

And, of course you're allowed to cry, just don't get caught crying.

Also, your brother is probably acting out because of all that has happened in your family. That's his coping method. Not a good one, but it works for him. Can he draw? If so, let him express his angry in comic stories. It's safer to have an outlet that won't hurt someone, and as much anger as he has, he should make them quickly. If he can't draw, have him right stories, also works. If he just has to hit, how about boxing or martial arts? One of my nephews was his age when he got into judo. Now he's going for his black belt. Plenty of ways to get out of fighting but still get to legally hit and he can find someone willing to let him try.

He's furious over how his life is going. Don't you get there sometimes? Nothing wrong with the furious, unless you use it on people that don't deserve it.

 

[RickyZ]

I was the same way. My parents pushed me to be able to take care of myself so they could devote 100% of their energy taking care of my good for nothing brother.

Problem is they pushed me so hard they pushed me away.

 

[JustWhoIAm]

I was the same way. My parents pushed me to be able to take care of myself so they could devote 100% of their energy taking care of my good for nothing brother.

Problem is they pushed me so hard they pushed me away.

With me it's my sister.

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

Each one of us was treated differently. The oldest brother got the physical punishment the most, the older brother rarely, and me? As needed. (No angel, but my oldest was getting spanked every single day for one thing or another.)

Even when I was young, I got why my middle brother rarely got spankings. He was/is different. There weren't words for it yet, and he wouldn't find out what was wrong with him until about ten years ago, but he had really bad problems with school. He couldn't remember how to spell things or write numbers. He just couldn't, and he tried and tired. (Now it's called dyscalculia and dyslexia. But no one heard those words back then.) He considered himself a loser for not being able to do what even I could do. (Bad when you get help with your homework from little sister.) He also had a huge bit of whit. When he got spanked, he'd cry, scream and carry on, but when it was over he turn over and look at Dad with a big smile (and no tears) and say, "ha-ha, didn't even hurt." And Dad kept trying until he bruised his hand. Then he'd give up.

But, honestly, each child was treated differently, because we reacted differently. Your brother is so hurt. Besides feeling miserable, does his action change? No? Then it's true. Spanking doesn't hurt him. Time to come up with something that does hurt him.

And when your punished, does it work? Do your grades improve? If so, doing that to you motivates you. It works. And as it stands, your good grades are what will give you the choice to go to college through scholarship, so they do matter. The more A's you have the better chance at scholarships. You're final three years mean the most.

And, of course you're allowed to cry, just don't get caught crying.

Also, your brother is probably acting out because of all that has happened in your family. That's his coping method. Not a good one, but it works for him. Can he draw? If so, let him express his angry in comic stories. It's safer to have an outlet that won't hurt someone, and as much anger as he has, he should make them quickly. If he can't draw, have him right stories, also works. If he just has to hit, how about boxing or martial arts? One of my nephews was his age when he got into judo. Now he's going for his black belt. Plenty of ways to get out of fighting but still get to legally hit and he can find someone willing to let him try.

He's furious over how his life is going. Don't you get there sometimes? Nothing wrong with the furious, unless you use it on people that don't deserve it.

Yes.... I get there.
We all have anger. I know how he feels. I've hurt people as well and it's an awful feeling. Drawing and writing doesn't help with any of us including him. Step father has gotten us a punching bag for when we are angry but we never use it for some reason....

Nothing changes his behavior....They've tried everything.
Push ups, grounding him, yelling at him, spankings and then stopped soon after because his therapist said he shuts down when they punish him like that. Now they literally just talk to him about what was wrong and that's it.

My other brother (a 12 year old) has a lot of anger as well, and has hurt people many times, the way he got punished was physical, push ups every day all day, everything taken away, and chores when he wasn't doing push ups, not to mention constant screaming. It didn't work for him. He never stopped, but they kept doing the same punishment.

They stopped with the 10 year old.

I mean how does that make the other children feel?
Both of us feel as if we aren't perfect we are screwed. So we are terrified of messing up.
But my brother? Well..... he has all the wiggle room in the world

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

I was the same way. My parents pushed me to be able to take care of myself so they could devote 100% of their energy taking care of my good for nothing brother.

Problem is they pushed me so hard they pushed me away.

My brother has potential to go somewhere if he let's go of his anger. Or controls it.
I don't think he's good for nothing.

He cares if you just show him how something hurts you.

He told me he hated me because I was yelling him told not blame things on my other brother when he did it and he got all mad and yelled at me that I was making him into an awful person and ran up to his room crying
So, I went into his room and talked to him about how it hurt me when he said he hated me, and told him that we are family, and some family doesn't last, some don't love each other, but me and him have had to work to together to get through everything. I've always been there for him to protect him from what hurts him and heck provide for him when he needs it.

He understood and when I got up to leave he asked me to come sit with him and he layer on my lap and cried and said "I'm sorry sissy.... I don't hate you"....


So he is a good person, definitely not a good for nothing brother.
His good personality just sometimes gets covered by his anger...

As far as my parents pushing me away,
I'm never gonna have a regular relationship with any of them. I don't care anymore....
That's a lie. I care, but I've accepted it

 

[Ariel82]

My 10 year old brother has had problems with anger for a few years now. He claims that he does not know why he hurts people (kids at school and teachers) and he can't control himself.

This is hard for me because

1) He is my brother I've known him since he was born and we have always been partners through it all and it's a little sad seeing him turn into well.... an awful person sometimes because of his anger

2) (please don't judge me I need to be honest) sometimes it bothers me a lot because when he doesn't something wrong, like this week he ran away, punched a kid, and laid on the floor and threw a fit at school, he never gets in trouble but when I do something such as get a B I'm grounded for a month and everything of mine is taken away


Do any of you have advice for how I could possibly get the feeling of jealousy from him not being punished out, and how to handle someone who can't handle their anger in the house?

(Yes, he is in therapy)

I don't know how to help with your brothers anger. If your parents truly loved him as God does they would discipline him.

The Bible says God disciplines all His children. I used to pray and ask God why I always got caught whenever I did something a little wrong or dishonest, while others would do it over and over and never get caught.

One day I prayed about it, mad at God for not letting me "have fun" like the other kids and I realized how stealing is a sin that hurts the owners. That it was God's love that made sure I got caught doing little crimes to keep me from trying bigger ones. (i was young and foolish and selfish).

So your parents sound really strict, but many it's God's way of helping you be your best and He is using your parents to accomplish that?