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Thread: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

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    Default My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    My wife and I have separated. She's asking for a divorce and I don't believe in it but I can't blame her either. I was an alcoholic up until a little over a month ago. I had a terrible night with alcohol one evening and blacked out. In my drunken state I was physically abusive to my wife. When I finally awoke the next morning I had very little recollection of what I had done but she told me what happened and said she was leaving me. We've had problems in the past but nothing this serious. At the time I didn't realize I had a problem with alcohol. I wasn't a follower of Jesus then either. I have since been saved and have quit drinking. I'm trying to change my life around for the better but losing my wife and family is tearing my life apart. I've prayed constantly about what to do and I feel so lost and broken. I don't ever want to be that person again. I don't know where to go from here. I'm completely ashamed of what I did and it sickens me when I think of how I hurt the love of my life. She has moved into a place of her own with our daughter now and is not willing to try and work on things. I can't blame her at all but I can't help feeling that it's truly wrong in my heart to just give up on our marriage. This was difficult for me to confess publicly but I feel if I hide this pain inside me, it will cause more damage than good.

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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    I definitely give her a little time to compose herself. You will probably need to be sober at least a year before may take a chance on you. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I believe that it's possible that a separation may benefit your marriage. Now is the time for prayer. I have said a prayer for your situation.
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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    I am sure by now you have seeked forgiveness from God and your family. If this is so then everything your telling yourself that isn't healthy is from the evil one. You only worry about what you can do in the present moment of time to honor God. If you put God first and follow him then everything else in life will be conformed to the plans of God. Keep on staying sober and remember your not alone. Find a church, a help group, good friends, accountability people.
    Obviously we have to deal with the consequences of our sins and sometimes they will turn our world upside down. And this is a prime example of what happens when man tries to do life on his own.

    Pray for guidance and for the Holy Spirit to help you in temptation. Pray for your wife and child. And remember trust is hard to regain but not impossible. Of course you have to show them by your actions that they can begin to trust you again.

    Welcome to God's Kingdom and let me say you fit right in, as for everyone in God's Kingdom had situations that made us turn our life around. Your not alone. Be strong and read Gods word everyday which will also guide you and prepare you for what life may throw at you.

    And remember if you happen to slip up do not spend one second longer in regret and repent it to God and do all you can to prevent it again even if it means to completely run from what tempts you.

    I'll pray for you, God bless.
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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    Holding pain in IS damaging, so it's good that you got it out.

    As far as your situation, you can continue trying to keep your wife, but even as Christians we still have to live with the consequences of our actions here on earth.
    It's a sad irony how many women stay in these situations with men that beat them over and over, while you had a single lapse and she's leaving. But chances are the very thing that is causing her to be so staunch in leaving is the same trait you found so attractive to begin with.
    But normally if a man hits a woman once, he'll do it again. I had a friend who was married 10 years and her husband got drunk (that didn't normally get drunk) and beat her. She left him, but he apologized and convinced her to come back. Within a few months he did it again. 10 years of marriage and never once hit her, when he did he did more than once. She divorced him.

    Hopefully you can stay sober, and your wife may reconsider leaving, but if not then trust that God will lead you down a new path. Regardless of what happens is suggest finding a close friend or even a counselor to talk to, just to get things out of your system for a while.
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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    I would advise you to join a local AA group.

    You need support and accountability and prayer.

    It will take a lot of trust building and being sober 1 month isn't enough.

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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bhood27 View Post
    My wife and I have separated. She's asking for a divorce and I don't believe in it but I can't blame her either. I was an alcoholic up until a little over a month ago. I had a terrible night with alcohol one evening and blacked out. In my drunken state I was physically abusive to my wife. When I finally awoke the next morning I had very little recollection of what I had done but she told me what happened and said she was leaving me. We've had problems in the past but nothing this serious. At the time I didn't realize I had a problem with alcohol. I wasn't a follower of Jesus then either. I have since been saved and have quit drinking. I'm trying to change my life around for the better but losing my wife and family is tearing my life apart. I've prayed constantly about what to do and I feel so lost and broken. I don't ever want to be that person again. I don't know where to go from here. I'm completely ashamed of what I did and it sickens me when I think of how I hurt the love of my life. She has moved into a place of her own with our daughter now and is not willing to try and work on things. I can't blame her at all but I can't help feeling that it's truly wrong in my heart to just give up on our marriage. This was difficult for me to confess publicly but I feel if I hide this pain inside me, it will cause more damage than good.

    Are you in counseling? Is she willing to go with you? All you is just be honest and open and say you're trying your best to move forward. Is she a Christian? Just work on getting yourself where you need to be first. She may change her mind when she sees the change,but it will take time. You have to leave it in Gods hands and timing. If you try to rush ahead you'll be shooting yourself in the foot.
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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bhood27 View Post
    My wife and I have separated. She's asking for a divorce and I don't believe in it but I can't blame her either. I was an alcoholic up until a little over a month ago. I had a terrible night with alcohol one evening and blacked out. In my drunken state I was physically abusive to my wife. When I finally awoke the next morning I had very little recollection of what I had done but she told me what happened and said she was leaving me. We've had problems in the past but nothing this serious. At the time I didn't realize I had a problem with alcohol. I wasn't a follower of Jesus then either. I have since been saved and have quit drinking. I'm trying to change my life around for the better but losing my wife and family is tearing my life apart. I've prayed constantly about what to do and I feel so lost and broken. I don't ever want to be that person again. I don't know where to go from here. I'm completely ashamed of what I did and it sickens me when I think of how I hurt the love of my life. She has moved into a place of her own with our daughter now and is not willing to try and work on things. I can't blame her at all but I can't help feeling that it's truly wrong in my heart to just give up on our marriage. This was difficult for me to confess publicly but I feel if I hide this pain inside me, it will cause more damage than good.
    ***(praying)---continue to ask the Lord to restore your marriage----she will have to regain trust in you----the Lord can still do miracles...

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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bhood27 View Post
    My wife and I have separated. She's asking for a divorce and I don't believe in it but I can't blame her either. I was an alcoholic up until a little over a month ago. I had a terrible night with alcohol one evening and blacked out. In my drunken state I was physically abusive to my wife. When I finally awoke the next morning I had very little recollection of what I had done but she told me what happened and said she was leaving me. We've had problems in the past but nothing this serious. At the time I didn't realize I had a problem with alcohol. I wasn't a follower of Jesus then either. I have since been saved and have quit drinking. I'm trying to change my life around for the better but losing my wife and family is tearing my life apart. I've prayed constantly about what to do and I feel so lost and broken. I don't ever want to be that person again. I don't know where to go from here. I'm completely ashamed of what I did and it sickens me when I think of how I hurt the love of my life. She has moved into a place of her own with our daughter now and is not willing to try and work on things. I can't blame her at all but I can't help feeling that it's truly wrong in my heart to just give up on our marriage. This was difficult for me to confess publicly but I feel if I hide this pain inside me, it will cause more damage than good.
    Biblically, the only thing you can do is grant her the divorce, prove to her you've changed, and pray for God's will to be done. While the Bible only condones divorce in cases of marital unfaithfulness, it never condones forcing another to stay. In 1 Corinthians 7:15, the Bible states in reference to a Christian being married to an unbeliever, "But if the unbeliever leaves, let him leave. A brother or a sister is not bound in such cases. God has called you to live in peace."

    While this verse refers to a different situation and I'm not sure if your wife is a Christian or not, I believe the response required here is the same as would be in your case. Don't refuse her the divorce, but let her know you're sorry and show her you're willing to change. If she asks that you drop all contact with her, do so. If she wants to talk, talk. As you say, you can't blame her. It's possible she will never be reconciled with you. But the only possibility in her forgiving you and taking you back lies in God working in both of your lives and in her being fully convinced you won't hurt her again.

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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    I disagree with this. It has not been stated whether your wife is a believer or not. There are a couple of facts here; you are a son of the living God, and you have responsibilities to your family. You can't force her to stay, and don't try to control her, but don't just fold on your marriage either. 1) Get help - you need it. 2) Get more engaged with Christian mentors and brothers who will not only help keep you out of the bad stuff, but also into the good. 3) PRAY for your wife and daughter and healing for their hearts. But Don't give up on your wife. Lay your life down for her. Be at a distance if you must and ask God to work on it, but don't give up. As others painfully remind you, and though you wish you didn't (I'm sorry, brother), you have some space at least for the moment that you should use to work on building your relationship with God and strengthening your new identity. Become the husband and father you want to be. God will take care of you. Don't give up.
    Quote Originally Posted by ROSSELLA View Post
    Biblically, the only thing you can do is grant her the divorce, prove to her you've changed, and pray for God's will to be done. While the Bible only condones divorce in cases of marital unfaithfulness, it never condones forcing another to stay. In 1 Corinthians 7:15, the Bible states in reference to a Christian being married to an unbeliever, "But if the unbeliever leaves, let him leave. A brother or a sister is not bound in such cases. God has called you to live in peace."

    While this verse refers to a different situation and I'm not sure if your wife is a Christian or not, I believe the response required here is the same as would be in your case. Don't refuse her the divorce, but let her know you're sorry and show her you're willing to change. If she asks that you drop all contact with her, do so. If she wants to talk, talk. As you say, you can't blame her. It's possible she will never be reconciled with you. But the only possibility in her forgiving you and taking you back lies in God working in both of your lives and in her being fully convinced you won't hurt her again.
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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bhood27 View Post
    My wife and I have separated. She's asking for a divorce and I don't believe in it but I can't blame her either. I was an alcoholic up until a little over a month ago. I had a terrible night with alcohol one evening and blacked out. In my drunken state I was physically abusive to my wife. When I finally awoke the next morning I had very little recollection of what I had done but she told me what happened and said she was leaving me. We've had problems in the past but nothing this serious. At the time I didn't realize I had a problem with alcohol. I wasn't a follower of Jesus then either. I have since been saved and have quit drinking. I'm trying to change my life around for the better but losing my wife and family is tearing my life apart. I've prayed constantly about what to do and I feel so lost and broken. I don't ever want to be that person again. I don't know where to go from here. I'm completely ashamed of what I did and it sickens me when I think of how I hurt the love of my life. She has moved into a place of her own with our daughter now and is not willing to try and work on things. I can't blame her at all but I can't help feeling that it's truly wrong in my heart to just give up on our marriage. This was difficult for me to confess publicly but I feel if I hide this pain inside me, it will cause more damage than good.
    Hello Bhood27
    I am sorry that you are going through this . I know it hurts . I have been in your shoes . I am a recovered drunk. I drank thru one marriage an did not know what I had done until I had lost her . I can only be thankful that their was no children involved. I am married now an blessed with A great wife and two kids . The way I got here was by being sober and correcting the problems I had managing my life . For me and most alcoholics our problem is not our drinking. Drinking was a symptom of my problems. So I suggest that you go to AA as suggested above or find a good Christian church that has a program for alcoholism. Then find a Christian sponsor or mentor that has been sober for atleast 3 years. Start working the steps asap . You need to work on you in order to have a chance at salvaging things . Also while working on you make sure you fulfill your obligations to your wife and child . Even though you don't live together. You need to assist to their needs . This will also show her that you are serious about doing the right thing . This will take time and may not work but in my opinion it is bets way to clean up your past and demonstrate you are going to do things differently.
    I hope that made sense.
    Blessings
    Brother I am praying for you and your family.
    Bill
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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    I’m so sorry to hear that, Brent. I appreciate your willingness to share so openly with us. This is a hard thing to go through. It's pretty obvious that you want to have a good marriage and happy family. Have you ever considered talking with a counselor? Do you think that's something that might be helpful for you personally? I just said a prayer for you and your wife, asking God to bring healing and hope to your marriage. Your situation may seem impossible right now, but I do believe there is hope. Sending blessings & prayers your way!
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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bhood27 View Post
    My wife and I have separated. She's asking for a divorce and I don't believe in it but I can't blame her either. I was an alcoholic up until a little over a month ago. I had a terrible night with alcohol one evening and blacked out. In my drunken state I was physically abusive to my wife. When I finally awoke the next morning I had very little recollection of what I had done but she told me what happened and said she was leaving me. We've had problems in the past but nothing this serious. At the time I didn't realize I had a problem with alcohol. I wasn't a follower of Jesus then either. I have since been saved and have quit drinking. I'm trying to change my life around for the better but losing my wife and family is tearing my life apart. I've prayed constantly about what to do and I feel so lost and broken. I don't ever want to be that person again. I don't know where to go from here. I'm completely ashamed of what I did and it sickens me when I think of how I hurt the love of my life. She has moved into a place of her own with our daughter now and is not willing to try and work on things. I can't blame her at all but I can't help feeling that it's truly wrong in my heart to just give up on our marriage. This was difficult for me to confess publicly but I feel if I hide this pain inside me, it will cause more damage than good.

    First, it is excellent that you have acknowledged this terrible sin against your wife and daughter, given your life to Jesus, and stopped drinking.

    But unless you get help for your drinking, it will be very easy to slip back into it. I was an alcoholic, but God totally delivered me from it. You need to decide if you need support and help so you will stay on the straight and narrow. I would also see if you can get into some kind of counseling for abuse. The fact is, whether you were drunk or not, the urges and inclination for abuse were there. In fact, it may be the first time you hit her, but I'll be there was a lot of emotional abuse going on before this, and this was the final straw on the camel's back.

    I do hope you can restore your marriage, but YOU really need to change. You need to get mentors, as someone else said. And get into the Bible, prayer and find a good church. You may have to live with the consequences. I also don't blame your wife for leaving, and for not wanting to trust you.I hope YOU can change that, with the help of God.
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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    Thank you to all of you who are replying and being so supportive! My wife is a Christian and I guess that's what makes this even harder to bear. I have not yet sought out counseling due to my work schedule, school, and mainly financial situation. I also am having a hard time finding a Christian counselor near me that I believe would be able to offer the most help, though I have been researching them. I do realize that drinking wasn't my only fault and I'm trying to work on myself in multiple ways. I love my wife and daughter unconditionally and want the best for them in life no matter what. I pray constantly to God and pray for salvation. The hurt is enormous and I can only hope God will do miracles in my life.
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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bhood27 View Post
    Thank you to all of you who are replying and being so supportive! My wife is a Christian and I guess that's what makes this even harder to bear. I have not yet sought out counseling due to my work schedule, school, and mainly financial situation. I also am having a hard time finding a Christian counselor near me that I believe would be able to offer the most help, though I have been researching them. I do realize that drinking wasn't my only fault and I'm trying to work on myself in multiple ways. I love my wife and daughter unconditionally and want the best for them in life no matter what. I pray constantly to God and pray for salvation. The hurt is enormous and I can only hope God will do miracles in my life.
    Start with your pastor.
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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bhood27 View Post
    Thank you to all of you who are replying and being so supportive! My wife is a Christian and I guess that's what makes this even harder to bear. I have not yet sought out counseling due to my work schedule, school, and mainly financial situation. I also am having a hard time finding a Christian counselor near me that I believe would be able to offer the most help, though I have been researching them. I do realize that drinking wasn't my only fault and I'm trying to work on myself in multiple ways. I love my wife and daughter unconditionally and want the best for them in life no matter what. I pray constantly to God and pray for salvation. The hurt is enormous and I can only hope God will do miracles in my life.
    I would find a church with a Stephen's ministry to have someone pray with you. They aren't counselors but are trained to listen and pray and might have a list of counselors you could go seed. Plus they are free and will arrange meeting times that work with your schedule.

    Keeping you and your family in prayer.

    Until you get help, I wouldn't advise your wife to return to you because out of love you should want her safe. Which she isn't if you get so drunk you black out and beat her.

    God can work miracles and we will pray you will get the help you need to begin rebuilding your life.

    https://www.stephenministries.org
    Last edited by Ariel82; March 15th, 2017 at 03:37 PM.

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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    How to Succeed inMarriage


    Be realistic, and expect challenges. A marriage may be put to the test by thoughtless or unkind words, financial problems, serious illness, orthe stresses of raising children. Hence, the Bible frankly statesthat those who marry “will have tribulation in their flesh.”(1 Corinthians 7:28) But tribulations, or trials, need not weaken a marriage. In fact, when two people love each other and possess godly wisdom, they have the means to resolve potentially divisive issues. Do you have the necessary wisdom to deal withproblems that may arise in your family? “If any one of you islacking in wisdom,” the Bible says, “let him keep on asking God,for he gives generously to all and without reproaching.”—James1:5.
    Be faithful to each other. Few things do more to undermine a marriage than fornication, or sex outside the marriage, which is the only basis for divorce that is acceptable to God. (Matthew 19:9) The Bible says:“Let marriage be honorable among all, and the marriage bed bewithout defilement, for God will judge fornicators and adulterers.”(Hebrews 13:4) What can couples do to help them avoid being tempted to look outside the marriage for sexual satisfaction? The Biblestates: “Let the husband render to his wife her due; but let the wife also do likewise to her husband.”—1 Corinthians 7:3, 4.

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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bhood27 View Post
    Thank you to all of you who are replying and being so supportive! My wife is a Christian and I guess that's what makes this even harder to bear. I have not yet sought out counseling due to my work schedule, school, and mainly financial situation. I also am having a hard time finding a Christian counselor near me that I believe would be able to offer the most help, though I have been researching them. I do realize that drinking wasn't my only fault and I'm trying to work on myself in multiple ways. I love my wife and daughter unconditionally and want the best for them in life no matter what. I pray constantly to God and pray for salvation. The hurt is enormous and I can only hope God will do miracles in my life.

    I think that until you acknowledge HER hurt is enormous, you will never have your marriage restored. It sort of confirms to me, that you got into the habit of verbal and emotional abuse (financial??) and she put up with it. Because you escalated to violence, she realized that it had gone too far. Both for her sake, and the children's.

    Time to realize you are suffering the consequences of your behaviour, and she is the one who is hurt. I think even you will acknowledge this is not her fault. And making excuses about work, school, schedule doesn't show me any positive actions to work towards changing yourself, which is really the issue at stake. Sorry, but abuse isn't just about physical violence, but all the ways a partner tries to control the other person's life. (This includes women who abuse men!)

    Are you willing to acknowledge you are the abuser, and always have been, and take concrete steps to change, in order to perhaps save your marriage? Because the road to hell is paved with good intentions!
    "And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2 Cor. 12:9 NASB

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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    While I do appreciate your advice and solid words, I think you've assumed a little much about my situation. Firstly, I have most certainly acknowledged that HER hurt is just as enormous as mine if not more so. I believe that's what makes me feel even worse about my faults. Secondly, as previously stated in my original post, I have definitely acknowledged that in no way was any of it her fault, I am well aware of the consequences I'm currently experiencing due to my sinful ways. Thirdly, I'm not making any excuses for my situation of not yet finding help with my issues. I have been out of state for work for the last two months and came back for school. That being said, I've been researching for what would be the best fit for me in a counselor as well as financially affordable. I'm aware in need help and to take step in the right direction towards changing myself but that's why I've given myself to God and also joined this chat forum, to seek advice and guidance. I realize I'm probably not doing everything right but I'm trying to.
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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bhood27 View Post
    My wife and I have separated. She's asking for a divorce and I don't believe in it but I can't blame her either. I was an alcoholic up until a little over a month ago. I had a terrible night with alcohol one evening and blacked out. In my drunken state I was physically abusive to my wife. When I finally awoke the next morning I had very little recollection of what I had done but she told me what happened and said she was leaving me. We've had problems in the past but nothing this serious. At the time I didn't realize I had a problem with alcohol. I wasn't a follower of Jesus then either. I have since been saved and have quit drinking. I'm trying to change my life around for the better but losing my wife and family is tearing my life apart. I've prayed constantly about what to do and I feel so lost and broken. I don't ever want to be that person again. I don't know where to go from here. I'm completely ashamed of what I did and it sickens me when I think of how I hurt the love of my life. She has moved into a place of her own with our daughter now and is not willing to try and work on things. I can't blame her at all but I can't help feeling that it's truly wrong in my heart to just give up on our marriage. This was difficult for me to confess publicly but I feel if I hide this pain inside me, it will cause more damage than good.
    Is she a Christian? Cause there is only one reason for divorce- and that is if you sexually cheated on her with someone else. If you are abusive she does not have to live with you though. And if you are a drunkard claiming to be a Christian, and if she's a Christian, she supposed to not even eat with you until you repent and come back to God- which you said you have.

    You both need to see a marriage counselor. But you truly need to never drink again. Get help for that. She has a right to protect herself and her children. But if she's a Christian she also has to forgive you and attempt to repair the marriage, unless you cheated on her.

    I know I say this a lot in this situation, but I truly believe the way the marriage was repaired in the movie "Fireproof" is a perfect way to save a failing marriage. You need to stop being who you were, and be like Christ.
    SweetmorningDew78 likes this.

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    Default Re: My wife wants a divorce and it's my fault but I don't want to lose her.

    Find the AA phone number in your area. Call it to find out when meetings close to where you live are, and then make every effort possible to get to as many meetings as possible. Some suggest ninety meetings in ninety days to start. The most important thing is to make a start. Even a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. At meetings, you will encounter people who have been through what you are going through right now. Some went through it and were able to save their marriages, and others were not able to. Much depends on you. You sound willing, and that is a very important spiritual principle. The more your estranged wife sees your willingness to change as well as actual changes in your attitude and life, the more amenable she may become toward a reconciliation. I pray this happens for you.

    Many people do not understand that at the heart of AA and the 12 steps is developing and maintaining a personal relationship with the God of your understanding. They do affirm that there is One God Who has all power, Who will help you if you seek Him out. Working the steps will help you stay sober. Do not do it alone. You are never alone. God bless you on your journey.



    Embrace the Grace and Rejoice in His Everlasting Mercy and Love

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