Feel excluded from marriage

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J

Jellymeloncake

Guest
#1
#1
So I really need advice on my 5 year marriage. We are both 29 and 31 and recently my husband has been going on vacation with his father for two weeks every year on the other side of the world. Then recently when my husband just came back from vacation, literally the day after he tells me that he is now planning soon on going on to another destination with his dad in Mexico very soon. We have never gone on vacation together even though I have asked him on many occasions. It just seems unfair to me that he has just come back, we are in the middle of closing on a new house and I guess I'm angry because he makes no effort to plan any adventures or vacations of any kind with me. Yet when his dad pays for him to come with him somewhere he jumps at the chance with no thought at all to invite me too. His dad had remarried a few years ago and has a bad marriage with his current wife and he always seems to spend a lot of time away from her. I am worried that he is staring to influence my husband to do the same thing. As far as I am aware we have a loving marriage I just get frustrated why my husband can not understand that it upsets me and I feel excluded from his life. I know that if my parents invited me on vacation they would make sure my husband was invited too as we are married and to be honest I feel that marriage should include experiencing new things and places with each other. Am I wrong?
 
Tommy379

Tommy379

Notorious Member
#2
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,151
113
#2
Jellymeloncake said:
So I really need advice on my 5 year marriage. We are both 29 and 31 and recently my husband has been going on vacation with his father for two weeks every year on the other side of the world. Then recently when my husband just came back from vacation, literally the day after he tells me that he is now planning soon on going on to another destination with his dad in Mexico very soon. We have never gone on vacation together even though I have asked him on many occasions. It just seems unfair to me that he has just come back, we are in the middle of closing on a new house and I guess I'm angry because he makes no effort to plan any adventures or vacations of any kind with me. Yet when his dad pays for him to come with him somewhere he jumps at the chance with no thought at all to invite me too. His dad had remarried a few years ago and has a bad marriage with his current wife and he always seems to spend a lot of time away from her. I am worried that he is staring to influence my husband to do the same thing. As far as I am aware we have a loving marriage I just get frustrated why my husband can not understand that it upsets me and I feel excluded from his life. I know that if my parents invited me on vacation they would make sure my husband was invited too as we are married and to be honest I feel that marriage should include experiencing new things and places with each other. Am I wrong?
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I can attest that as a man we are not known to be the most considerate creatures.
 
J

Jellymeloncake

Guest
#3
#3
I understand that men and females have different ways of thinking but surely a husband should make some sort of effort to include his wife?
 
Tommy379

Tommy379

Notorious Member
#4
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,151
113
#4
Jellymeloncake said:
I understand that men and females have different ways of thinking but surely a husband should make some sort of effort to include his wife?
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Sure he should, but that doesn't mean he thinks about it.
 
Tommy379

Tommy379

Notorious Member
#5
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,151
113
#5
Men and women are so different in the way they think, it's hard to imagine we come from the same creator.
 
Tommy379

Tommy379

Notorious Member
#6
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,151
113
#6
There is a guy on youtube named Joe McGee who talks alot about it. He has a ministry about marriage and family.
 
J

Jellymeloncake

Guest
#7
#7
thank you for the advice of telling me that men and women are different. You learn something new everyday...
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#8
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
337
83
#8
I'm just amazed that even with your husband vacationing all the time, your buying a new house :). Must be nice..

If your angry that your husband doesn't vacation with you, try paying him to do so, it seems to work for his Dad :)
 
Tommy379

Tommy379

Notorious Member
#9
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,151
113
#9
Jellymeloncake said:
thank you for the advice of telling me that men and women are different. You learn something new everyday...
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What advice can be given? Your husband's father has failed to invite you. You wrote that you have asked your husband to take you on vacation, but have you told your husband that you are hurt by his father's lack of invitation?

The point is women assume men should just know, and men assume women will tell them. Often times neither is true.

Here is some advice: stop taking offense of your husband's lack of understanding. There are ways to effect change in your husband that won't hurt him or is overly manipulative. Michele Weiner-Davis writes some books about it. Most of her stuff is about avoiding divorce, but she makes good points about getting husbands and wives to see the others points of view.

I know you are hurt by the lack of consideration, but lets assume he is clueless to it and let's be clear to him. Crystal clear.

I lost my wife due to a lack of effective communication. Over 10 years of marriage gone. Come to find out she was considering leaving 5 years in. She never communicated to me in plain english that there was a problem, and I never learned to read her mind.

Sorry, it's 0200 here and I'm the only one replying.
 
L

lovingladyo4

Member
#10
Feb 22, 2017
74
7
8
#10
She never communicated to me in plain english that there was a problem, and I never learned to read her mind.

I can't imagine any healthy marriage allowing this excuse to keep them ignorant. What a poor and lame reason to entitle yourself to stay so ignorant.
 
L

lovingladyo4

Member
#11
Feb 22, 2017
74
7
8
#11
Dear OP - I feel your hurting heart as you question the behavior of your husband. I would wonder too; how can he so easily exclude me and not think anything of it???? I am sorry he can't read the signals right in front of him that reveal the intensity of your emotion from being excluded from this other life is enjoying without you. He may see this as an "opportunity" to spend time with his dad, to be his friend, and to connect as father/son. All that is good, but when it results in your relationship becoming strained and seeing this as a wedge inbetween you, it's time to evaluare his motives and take invenory of what is really residing in his heart.

Men in general love to play. They love to feel good. They love the next adventure. They entitle themselves to partake in a "good time". They love most things that "innocently" take them away from their confinements. He may love you deeply and dearly, and may think he is doing nothing wrong. But his story is only one side of the story. If "the two become one" as stated in marriage vows, then he is commited to becoming vulnerable to your side of the story, then like a mature husband, take responsibility for it.

Talk to husband as often as you need to until you get to the bottom of why this time away is so enticing to him, and why it is so easy for him to distance himself from your feelings. He is married to you and not his father. In fact, emotionally speaking, the Bible says that a man must leave his parents and cleave to his wife. Has he been reminded of that recently?

Be persistant in spending time discussing these issues that disturb you. He has a responsibility as your protector to protect you! I hope and pray you have a chance to expose what is on your mind and that he will listen and respond with an open and loving heart.
 
A

Adstar

Senior Member
#12
Jul 24, 2016
7,425
3,473
113
#12
Jellymeloncake said:
So I really need advice on my 5 year marriage. We are both 29 and 31 and recently my husband has been going on vacation with his father for two weeks every year on the other side of the world. Then recently when my husband just came back from vacation, literally the day after he tells me that he is now planning soon on going on to another destination with his dad in Mexico very soon. We have never gone on vacation together even though I have asked him on many occasions. It just seems unfair to me that he has just come back, we are in the middle of closing on a new house and I guess I'm angry because he makes no effort to plan any adventures or vacations of any kind with me. Yet when his dad pays for him to come with him somewhere he jumps at the chance with no thought at all to invite me too. His dad had remarried a few years ago and has a bad marriage with his current wife and he always seems to spend a lot of time away from her. I am worried that he is staring to influence my husband to do the same thing. As far as I am aware we have a loving marriage I just get frustrated why my husband can not understand that it upsets me and I feel excluded from his life. I know that if my parents invited me on vacation they would make sure my husband was invited too as we are married and to be honest I feel that marriage should include experiencing new things and places with each other. Am I wrong?
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I think it is a good idea to have a few weeks separated from ones husband or wife once a year.. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.. If money is tight for your husband he probably cannot afford to take you on a holiday and your husband cannot go to his dad and demand that he also pay for you to go too...

I hope that your father in law does have enough money to invite you also.. There is nothing wrong with desiring to experience new things and places with your husband..
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#13
Jun 30, 2015
24,676
13,364
113
#13
Jellymeloncake said:
So I really need advice on my 5 year marriage. We are both 29 and 31 and recently my husband has been going on vacation with his father for two weeks every year on the other side of the world. Then recently when my husband just came back from vacation, literally the day after he tells me that he is now planning soon on going on to another destination with his dad in Mexico very soon. ... I feel excluded from his life. I know that if my parents invited me on vacation they would make sure my husband was invited too as we are married and to be honest I feel that marriage should include experiencing new things and places with each other. Am I wrong?
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You're not wrong... you should be included, or your husband should not go anywhere near as often. Speak up: tell your husband how his behaviour affects you. Tell him and his dad that you would like to visit those places as well.

Just don't expect him to "get" that you're upset... more on this below.

lovingladyo4 said:
She never communicated to me in plain english that there was a problem, and I never learned to read her mind.

I can't imagine any healthy marriage allowing this excuse to keep them ignorant. What a poor and lame reason to entitle yourself to stay so ignorant.
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While I agree that this is a poor excuse, it is also a poor excuse for anyone to keep silent about their feelings and then complain that they haven't been heard. It goes both ways. A good husband will actively look for and inquire about non-verbal clues about the state of his wife's feelings, and a good wife will share her feelings and desires in clear spoken language. Expectation that the other person will do their part without you doing yours is hypocrisy, and is the basis of much relational strife.

One more comment to the OP... from personal experience. My ex went on many trips without me. It was only after we split that I saw all those trips in a different light. If he feels the "need" for a vacation without you, there is something deeper going on. I suggest you pray into that. :)
 
T

TraySir

Banned
#14
Mar 21, 2017
329
7
0
#14
Jellymeloncake said:
So I really need advice on my 5 year marriage. We are both 29 and 31 and recently my husband has been going on vacation with his father for two weeks every year on the other side of the world. Then recently when my husband just came back from vacation, literally the day after he tells me that he is now planning soon on going on to another destination with his dad in Mexico very soon. We have never gone on vacation together even though I have asked him on many occasions. It just seems unfair to me that he has just come back, we are in the middle of closing on a new house and I guess I'm angry because he makes no effort to plan any adventures or vacations of any kind with me. Yet when his dad pays for him to come with him somewhere he jumps at the chance with no thought at all to invite me too. His dad had remarried a few years ago and has a bad marriage with his current wife and he always seems to spend a lot of time away from her. I am worried that he is staring to influence my husband to do the same thing. As far as I am aware we have a loving marriage I just get frustrated why my husband can not understand that it upsets me and I feel excluded from his life. I know that if my parents invited me on vacation they would make sure my husband was invited too as we are married and to be honest I feel that marriage should include experiencing new things and places with each other. Am I wrong?
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He's wrong. Dead wrong. You aren't unreasonable.
Okay. But why does your husband not include you?
Two sides to every story. You know.
And try to give him reasons to either want to take you or to stay home with you!
Even so, he's wrong!
Appears to be selfish, unthoughtful, uncaring.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#15
#15
Jellymeloncake said:
So I really need advice on my 5 year marriage. We are both 29 and 31 and recently my husband has been going on vacation with his father for two weeks every year on the other side of the world. Then recently when my husband just came back from vacation, literally the day after he tells me that he is now planning soon on going on to another destination with his dad in Mexico very soon. We have never gone on vacation together even though I have asked him on many occasions. It just seems unfair to me that he has just come back, we are in the middle of closing on a new house and I guess I'm angry because he makes no effort to plan any adventures or vacations of any kind with me. Yet when his dad pays for him to come with him somewhere he jumps at the chance with no thought at all to invite me too. His dad had remarried a few years ago and has a bad marriage with his current wife and he always seems to spend a lot of time away from her. I am worried that he is staring to influence my husband to do the same thing. As far as I am aware we have a loving marriage I just get frustrated why my husband can not understand that it upsets me and I feel excluded from his life. I know that if my parents invited me on vacation they would make sure my husband was invited too as we are married and to be honest I feel that marriage should include experiencing new things and places with each other. Am I wrong?
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Tell him all this.
 
O

oldethennew

Banned
#16
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,972
113
#16
try and seek some 'honest-to-goodness', Christian-Counseling, hard to find, but
keep in prayer and Jesus will help...GBY
 
H

His

Member
#17
Jan 30, 2017
87
1
0
#17
Jellymeloncake said:
So I really need advice on my 5 year marriage. We are both 29 and 31 and recently my husband has been going on vacation with his father for two weeks every year on the other side of the world. Then recently when my husband just came back from vacation, literally the day after he tells me that he is now planning soon on going on to another destination with his dad in Mexico very soon. We have never gone on vacation together even though I have asked him on many occasions. It just seems unfair to me that he has just come back, we are in the middle of closing on a new house and I guess I'm angry because he makes no effort to plan any adventures or vacations of any kind with me. Yet when his dad pays for him to come with him somewhere he jumps at the chance with no thought at all to invite me too. His dad had remarried a few years ago and has a bad marriage with his current wife and he always seems to spend a lot of time away from her. I am worried that he is staring to influence my husband to do the same thing. As far as I am aware we have a loving marriage I just get frustrated why my husband can not understand that it upsets me and I feel excluded from his life. I know that if my parents invited me on vacation they would make sure my husband was invited too as we are married and to be honest I feel that marriage should include experiencing new things and places with each other. Am I wrong?
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If he would be willing, look for a "Love and Respect" conference in your area to attend. If not look them up on the Internet. All about communication and the different styles of men and women.
This vacation thing looks like a symptom not the actual problem.

Will be praying for your family. God bless.
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#18
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#18
You need to tell him. Find a counselor that you guys can talk with this about together. I don't want to get to personal but my Husband and I see a counselor because we both avoid any confrontation like the plague. We don't talk about the stuff we need to talk about until it ends up in a battle and that's not good. Having a counselor to help us figure out better ways to communicate has helped tremendously.
 
I

imfinallyfree

Banned
#19
Dec 17, 2013
822
7
0
#19
I am not married nor have I ever been and I haven't wanted to be since I became a adult and acquired common sense,this is one of the reasons why.

It's shocking to me that you can't see how wrong this is maybe it's your upbringing? This is another example of what I says about God ending the world just to break the counter productive cycles that we have created for ourselves.

I've already stated that I may not know what im talking about but I don't think that it's idealistic to think that a marriage is supposed to be a life long joining of 2 people ,it sounds like maybe you had that in the beginning but lost it somewhere?that sounds like immaturity plain and simple because 2 adults that know that they eill spend their lives together will make the necessary adjustments so that they don't get bored,,maybe that's where you guys are at?

I just have to say again that I can't believe that someone would be in a marriage like this and think that its normal,are you even happy?is this a marriage of convenience where both of you together are paying for your comfortable lifestyle so you are happy with that?

It doesn't sound like you are happy and it sounds like he forgot about you a long time ago maybe he was never there 100% to begin with.

There isn't much time left if you aren't happy sitting at home by yourself tell him then go be with someone that does make you happy or better yet be happy all by yourself,it's wrong how you are treated.
 
C

CharruaS

Guest
#20
#20
Jellymeloncake said:
So I really need advice on my 5 year marriage. We are both 29 and 31 and recently my husband has been going on vacation with his father for two weeks every year on the other side of the world. Then recently when my husband just came back from vacation, literally the day after he tells me that he is now planning soon on going on to another destination with his dad in Mexico very soon. We have never gone on vacation together even though I have asked him on many occasions. It just seems unfair to me that he has just come back, we are in the middle of closing on a new house and I guess I'm angry because he makes no effort to plan any adventures or vacations of any kind with me. Yet when his dad pays for him to come with him somewhere he jumps at the chance with no thought at all to invite me too. His dad had remarried a few years ago and has a bad marriage with his current wife and he always seems to spend a lot of time away from her. I am worried that he is staring to influence my husband to do the same thing. As far as I am aware we have a loving marriage I just get frustrated why my husband can not understand that it upsets me and I feel excluded from his life. I know that if my parents invited me on vacation they would make sure my husband was invited too as we are married and to be honest I feel that marriage should include experiencing new things and places with each other. Am I wrong?
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I can understand your frustration. My husband and i have been married for almost 5 years and we have been through a lot of things but the one thing that gets us through it all is communication. I think you and your husband need to sit down and talk about how this situation is making you feel and also ask him why he is doing what he is doing. Does he want to spend time with his father before it's too late? Is he trying to make up for loss time from his childhood? Is there a specific reason why he wouldn't want you to come along? There is always more than one side to the story, try to give him the benefit of the doubt and don't think he is doing this out of evil of his heart or trying to hurt you. There has to be a balance between the marriage and our relationships with the rest of the family. My husband is in the military and we have spent our share of time apart, i know it's not easy but i am a firm believer that with the right heart you can get through it. Sending prayers your way.
 
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