WARNING: LOOOOONG rant.
Okay. So, my family and I don't really have a stable relationship. They've hurt me, I've hurt them. I've come to terms with how I've hurt them. Now, I'm gonna come out and say I'm what's called an "old soul," hence my username. Do I spend time on the internet? Yeah. But I listen to older music (40s-80s mostly) and don't really like whatever's on the radio. I don't like being around people my age because I don't relate. They seem selfish. Entitled. Annoying, more to put it. I try to be thankful for what I have. I get to travel a lot, I don't have to pay many bills, my parents are still together (going on 23 years of marriage), a roof over my head, food on my plate, etc. But the thing is, I'm not happy and I feel guilty about it.
My family and I don't have an emotional connection anymore. Mostly because of things said that haven't been smoothed out. Like, for instance. My dad kept bashing me because I'm not "normal." Here are his exact words: "Your siblings don't wanna be like you because you're not normal. Normal people get up, brush their teeth, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch TV with their family, go to bed, and repeat the next day." He has basically called me mentally insane and said I won't last in the music business. I'm not making an excuse, but I'm admitting that I was diagnosed with severe depression, severe anxiety, and anorexia 3ish years ago. I've gotten help for it. I went as an outpatient to a place I forget the name of. It ticked me off because it was so routine. Go, get poked and prodded and weighed for an hour, then spend an hour in therapy. Like seriously. My anorexia flares up every now and again, but for the most part, I have it in check. For years, my parents have called me an embarrassment to be around in public one minute then the "glue of the family" the next.
My mother confessed to me one day 2 years ago that she had suicidal thoughts and always thought about driving the car into the river. Then, one day, I heard something repeatedly hitting the bathroom wall. I thought maybe my parents were hanging up a towel wrack or something. I don't know. But why at 2 AM? My dad bursts into my room out of nowhere and says, "Your mother is banging her head against the wall in the bathroom. You're the reason she's doing this. You're the reason she's depressed." And this goes on for another 5 minutes or so. He leaves and slams my door because when I get yelled at like that, my face turns to stone and my eyes glaze over. I basically shut them out because it's a mental protective instinct, I guess. They get mad that I shut down and leave. So, my brother comes in about 15-20 minutes later and asks if I've seen mom. I said, "No. Is she in the bath? She could be sleeping on the couch." At the time, we lived in a 3-bedroom house with 6 people and 2 dogs. My parents slept in the extra living room, I had my own room, my then 16-year-old sister had her own bedroom, and my then 13-year-old sister and 11-year-old brother shared the master bedroom. Anyway. He says no. The van's gone. For 20 whole minutes, I was in an anxiety attack over the phone with my guitar teacher who lives in Cali saying that if my mother committed suicide, it was MY fault. I WAS THE REASON. Do you know how much that has messed me up over the last 2 years?
And lately, they've been calling me selfish for forgetting things. Last week, I forgot it was Friday and I had to work my terrible job (which I will get to soon). So my mother yelled at me for 20 minutes calling me a selfish brat because I don't care if she gets fired because of me and that we will be out of a house and food and blah blah blah. I SERIOUSLY thought it was Saturday. I'm. Not. Kidding. I found out the next day that I actually had a slight concussion from hitting my head on a metal door frame Friday morning. I was seriously having memory issues. It wasn't just at home. It was at work. Nothing important. I remembered names, places, where I was, how old I was, etc. More like what day it was, what I was doing even though I was just doing it, what I was saying even though I just started talking, what people told me to do even though they just told me, etc. I was sluggish, had a headache, exhausted even though I got 8 hours of sleep (still suffering from this actually), etc. I'm fine now save for the being exhausted. I have a one-track mind anyway and I do forget what people tell me to do. Sorry.
They always compare me to my siblings. "Why can't you be more like (insert sibling's name here)?" "I was down at UK for Olivia (my sister got accepted there about 2 weeks ago) and the whole time I was there, I kept thinking, 'This should be Hannah.'" What's the point in going if I haven't been accepted into their music program (which is something I wanna do)? They seem to forget I'm applying for a Commercial Music degree at Belmont School of Music in Nashville when the spring 2018 application is up. This is more fitting. This applies to rock and pop, which is more of my style than classical. Nothing against classical. I like hearing it. I just don't like playing it because it's too restricted.
Which is another thing. There's a difference between speaking the truth and not being supportive of one's dreams. They're the latter. "Can't you think of anything else than music?" "You don't care about your family. You only care about music." I do care about my family. The thing is, I care more about music because I know my family's gonna be there whether I fail or succeed. That's why it seems that way. But maybe I just don't care about my family anymore. I'm tired of being shamed for the way I am and what I'm passionate about. That's been done for WAY too long. Always being told I'm an embarrassment because I'm always talking about music and I'm so "peace and love." So what? At least I'm not like 99% of the people I used to go to school with. They're alcoholics, drug addicts, single teen mothers, been in jail for assaulting people or raping people, etc. Now, I'm not shaming alcoholics, drug addicts, or single teen mothers. That's your choice. You do whatever you want. But that's not the way I was raised. I'm not racist. I'm not sexist. I'm not hateful. What's so wrong with me that they see?
Okay. Enough about my family. Now on to my job. I. Hate. My. Job. I work at a restaurant as a hostess. ENOUGH SAID. I get treated like crap for 4-7 hours a day for $10/hour. YAY. A few weeks ago, one of the managers threatened my job over a nametag in front of guests and other employees. Should I wear my nametag? Yes. Am I human? Did I forget it? Yeah. Oops. But still. Is it a fireable offense? FAR FROM. They have mold on the ice machine, servers scraping glasses in the ice so GLASS is chipping off of the glasses into the ice and guests are drinking GLASS, they have a busser who has been fired twice for sexual assault and brought back both times and treats, talks to, and touches women however he wants, ... And you're worried about my GOSH DARN NAMETAG?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! 2 weeks later, I find out from another host that said manager is talking crap about me to OTHER EMPLOYEES BEHIND MY BACK. And another told me that after threatening my job that one day, she was gonna cut my hours. Um... UNPROFESSIONAL MUCH? RETALIATION.
The following week, I have a crappy host team with me on Sunday morning, one of the busiest days of the week because of church rush. It's myself, a new girl named Andrea (Pronounced On-dray-uh), a new girl named Sammie, and a veteran named Jacob who we call Jake. Jake keeps disappearing and won't do his job. Andrea's blood sugar was low and she felt like she was gonna pass out, and the general manager pulled Sammie to roll silverware because they only had 2 bussers scheduled on a Sunday morning for some reason. Sammie came out to the front to talk for a second so she can rest her wrists (rolling silverware for hours really does take a toll on your wrists). Said manager comes out and says, "Why aren't we seating these people? Why are we on a wait?" I said, "Because I'm not updated." She said, "Well if you weren't too busy jabbing your jaws, you'd be updated." STRIKE ONE. If you had an efficient host staff, maybe I'd be updated. Then, she comes out a while later and says over the headset that 312 and 313 were ready. Now, the server in that section was sent on break like half an hour ago. So I still didn't seat it. If you come in and you're on the floor as a server, it's your responsibility to come up and tell me you're in a section. That's handbook rules. You check in with a manager, find out what section you're in, and tell the hosts what section the manager told you. WELL. She comes up to me and VERY rudely says, "I told you 312 and 313 were ready. Why aren't you seating them?" I say, "Because there's nobody in that section, Sher." She yells at me saying, "Yes there is, Hannah! Why would I tell you to seat a table if there was nobody in that section?!" STRIKE TWO. First of all, she has done that before. Second, Janet didn't tell me she was on and neither did she. Break down in communication. Also, we only had one efficient busser. He can only be in one place at a time. The other is lazy and you can't find him anywhere, so a whole bunch of tables were dirty. The third thing that happened that sent me over the edge was that we get really busy with parties of 5+. We have very limited spaces to put these people. So I told this family of 6 that it would be an hour. WELL, an hour later, they're still not sat. I'm greeting, which is where you take the names, put them on the list, tell them how long the wait is, and give them the pager. Andrea was leading, which is the term where a person seats the parties on the list in the computer system, pages them, and hands them to the seaters (which the term is self explanatory). Sammie was seating and of course Jake was NOWHERE to be found. Andrea was basically ignoring the 6 and trying to put this party of 12 down. I quoted the party of 12 about an hour and a half because we had a 15, 8, and 10 sat before them. They had only been there for about half an hour. SHE CALLS THE PARTY OF 12. DUDE. THE PARTY OF 6 WAS THERE FIRST. The 6 walked out and I guess they called and complained because said manager came up to me and said, "Why did you seat a party of 12 before a party of 6?" I tried to explain and she just kept yelling at me and interrupting me and everything. She seriously kept attacking me for everybody else's faults. Now keep in mind that I'm usually very calm, relaxed, and laid-back. I was SO ANGRY that Sammie, Jake, and a server named Rhonda had to send me outside to calm down before I cussed her out right in the middle of the lobby. And I don't cuss.
I've known this girl named Amber for going on 5 years. We're friends. Actually, she jokingly calls me mother because I treat her like a child or a younger sister more than a friend. A year ago or something, she started dating this girl named Kylie. I warned her about Kylie and her cousin Jordan because I was friends with them and they were just...psycho. And they turned their backs on you without a single notice. Well, Amber ranted to Kylie's good friend Gracie about something Kylie does. Let me tell you what Kylie does before I continue with the rant. Kylie is a manipulator. She tricks you into thinking she's an innocent little girl who can do no harm. In reality, she uses her depression as an excuse for all the bad crap she does and it makes me sick considering I have depression myself. So Kylie broke up with Amber. Amber came crying to me. I tried to be comforting even though I told her so. Well, fast forward a month later and they get back together. Amber stops talking to me. I ask her why and she says she's busy. Well, she's homeschooled. Doesn't have a job. Never leaves her house. How is she busy? I find out that she's basically ignoring me for Kylie. So I stop talking to her for a few weeks. Then, I find out that Kylie broke up with her for no reason. Amber came crying back to me and she's suddenly talking to me again. Now, her and Kylie just got back together. Guess what friend is getting ignored again? Me. Like I'm seriously done with this bullcrap. I know I rant to Amber a lot and if she's annoyed with me, so be it and she should just tell me. But dude. Ignoring me without giving me a reason? Cool. I should just end the friendship, but in reality, she's one of the very few friends I have left that I actually have stuff in common with.
On top of that, I miss performing music. I haven't set foot on a stage in 2 years and it's bothering me so bad. I hate not doing what I love. I'm also losing faith in God and I've been having suicidal thoughts and I can't concentrate on anything. The only thing keeping me alive is my favorite band, which is ironic because at the same time, I can't even drink in the music like I used to. I hate waking up every morning and feeling like I've hit a wall. I hate crying every night. I hate not picking up my guitar because when I put it down, I have a painful reminder that I haven't set foot on a stage in 2 years. Playing still brings me joy. It's just the realization that I'm not where I wanna be that hits me hard. I hate not being able to call up a memory of seeing my favorite band live on March 22nd and being happy for longer than 5 minutes because I realize the reality I live in. Sorry for the long rant and the sob story. I just can't take this anymore. I feel like I'm giving up on music, but I really don't want to because it's my dream. I just don't know what to do anymore, guys.
Okay. So, my family and I don't really have a stable relationship. They've hurt me, I've hurt them. I've come to terms with how I've hurt them. Now, I'm gonna come out and say I'm what's called an "old soul," hence my username. Do I spend time on the internet? Yeah. But I listen to older music (40s-80s mostly) and don't really like whatever's on the radio. I don't like being around people my age because I don't relate. They seem selfish. Entitled. Annoying, more to put it. I try to be thankful for what I have. I get to travel a lot, I don't have to pay many bills, my parents are still together (going on 23 years of marriage), a roof over my head, food on my plate, etc. But the thing is, I'm not happy and I feel guilty about it.
My family and I don't have an emotional connection anymore. Mostly because of things said that haven't been smoothed out. Like, for instance. My dad kept bashing me because I'm not "normal." Here are his exact words: "Your siblings don't wanna be like you because you're not normal. Normal people get up, brush their teeth, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch TV with their family, go to bed, and repeat the next day." He has basically called me mentally insane and said I won't last in the music business. I'm not making an excuse, but I'm admitting that I was diagnosed with severe depression, severe anxiety, and anorexia 3ish years ago. I've gotten help for it. I went as an outpatient to a place I forget the name of. It ticked me off because it was so routine. Go, get poked and prodded and weighed for an hour, then spend an hour in therapy. Like seriously. My anorexia flares up every now and again, but for the most part, I have it in check. For years, my parents have called me an embarrassment to be around in public one minute then the "glue of the family" the next.
My mother confessed to me one day 2 years ago that she had suicidal thoughts and always thought about driving the car into the river. Then, one day, I heard something repeatedly hitting the bathroom wall. I thought maybe my parents were hanging up a towel wrack or something. I don't know. But why at 2 AM? My dad bursts into my room out of nowhere and says, "Your mother is banging her head against the wall in the bathroom. You're the reason she's doing this. You're the reason she's depressed." And this goes on for another 5 minutes or so. He leaves and slams my door because when I get yelled at like that, my face turns to stone and my eyes glaze over. I basically shut them out because it's a mental protective instinct, I guess. They get mad that I shut down and leave. So, my brother comes in about 15-20 minutes later and asks if I've seen mom. I said, "No. Is she in the bath? She could be sleeping on the couch." At the time, we lived in a 3-bedroom house with 6 people and 2 dogs. My parents slept in the extra living room, I had my own room, my then 16-year-old sister had her own bedroom, and my then 13-year-old sister and 11-year-old brother shared the master bedroom. Anyway. He says no. The van's gone. For 20 whole minutes, I was in an anxiety attack over the phone with my guitar teacher who lives in Cali saying that if my mother committed suicide, it was MY fault. I WAS THE REASON. Do you know how much that has messed me up over the last 2 years?
And lately, they've been calling me selfish for forgetting things. Last week, I forgot it was Friday and I had to work my terrible job (which I will get to soon). So my mother yelled at me for 20 minutes calling me a selfish brat because I don't care if she gets fired because of me and that we will be out of a house and food and blah blah blah. I SERIOUSLY thought it was Saturday. I'm. Not. Kidding. I found out the next day that I actually had a slight concussion from hitting my head on a metal door frame Friday morning. I was seriously having memory issues. It wasn't just at home. It was at work. Nothing important. I remembered names, places, where I was, how old I was, etc. More like what day it was, what I was doing even though I was just doing it, what I was saying even though I just started talking, what people told me to do even though they just told me, etc. I was sluggish, had a headache, exhausted even though I got 8 hours of sleep (still suffering from this actually), etc. I'm fine now save for the being exhausted. I have a one-track mind anyway and I do forget what people tell me to do. Sorry.
They always compare me to my siblings. "Why can't you be more like (insert sibling's name here)?" "I was down at UK for Olivia (my sister got accepted there about 2 weeks ago) and the whole time I was there, I kept thinking, 'This should be Hannah.'" What's the point in going if I haven't been accepted into their music program (which is something I wanna do)? They seem to forget I'm applying for a Commercial Music degree at Belmont School of Music in Nashville when the spring 2018 application is up. This is more fitting. This applies to rock and pop, which is more of my style than classical. Nothing against classical. I like hearing it. I just don't like playing it because it's too restricted.
Which is another thing. There's a difference between speaking the truth and not being supportive of one's dreams. They're the latter. "Can't you think of anything else than music?" "You don't care about your family. You only care about music." I do care about my family. The thing is, I care more about music because I know my family's gonna be there whether I fail or succeed. That's why it seems that way. But maybe I just don't care about my family anymore. I'm tired of being shamed for the way I am and what I'm passionate about. That's been done for WAY too long. Always being told I'm an embarrassment because I'm always talking about music and I'm so "peace and love." So what? At least I'm not like 99% of the people I used to go to school with. They're alcoholics, drug addicts, single teen mothers, been in jail for assaulting people or raping people, etc. Now, I'm not shaming alcoholics, drug addicts, or single teen mothers. That's your choice. You do whatever you want. But that's not the way I was raised. I'm not racist. I'm not sexist. I'm not hateful. What's so wrong with me that they see?
Okay. Enough about my family. Now on to my job. I. Hate. My. Job. I work at a restaurant as a hostess. ENOUGH SAID. I get treated like crap for 4-7 hours a day for $10/hour. YAY. A few weeks ago, one of the managers threatened my job over a nametag in front of guests and other employees. Should I wear my nametag? Yes. Am I human? Did I forget it? Yeah. Oops. But still. Is it a fireable offense? FAR FROM. They have mold on the ice machine, servers scraping glasses in the ice so GLASS is chipping off of the glasses into the ice and guests are drinking GLASS, they have a busser who has been fired twice for sexual assault and brought back both times and treats, talks to, and touches women however he wants, ... And you're worried about my GOSH DARN NAMETAG?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! 2 weeks later, I find out from another host that said manager is talking crap about me to OTHER EMPLOYEES BEHIND MY BACK. And another told me that after threatening my job that one day, she was gonna cut my hours. Um... UNPROFESSIONAL MUCH? RETALIATION.
The following week, I have a crappy host team with me on Sunday morning, one of the busiest days of the week because of church rush. It's myself, a new girl named Andrea (Pronounced On-dray-uh), a new girl named Sammie, and a veteran named Jacob who we call Jake. Jake keeps disappearing and won't do his job. Andrea's blood sugar was low and she felt like she was gonna pass out, and the general manager pulled Sammie to roll silverware because they only had 2 bussers scheduled on a Sunday morning for some reason. Sammie came out to the front to talk for a second so she can rest her wrists (rolling silverware for hours really does take a toll on your wrists). Said manager comes out and says, "Why aren't we seating these people? Why are we on a wait?" I said, "Because I'm not updated." She said, "Well if you weren't too busy jabbing your jaws, you'd be updated." STRIKE ONE. If you had an efficient host staff, maybe I'd be updated. Then, she comes out a while later and says over the headset that 312 and 313 were ready. Now, the server in that section was sent on break like half an hour ago. So I still didn't seat it. If you come in and you're on the floor as a server, it's your responsibility to come up and tell me you're in a section. That's handbook rules. You check in with a manager, find out what section you're in, and tell the hosts what section the manager told you. WELL. She comes up to me and VERY rudely says, "I told you 312 and 313 were ready. Why aren't you seating them?" I say, "Because there's nobody in that section, Sher." She yells at me saying, "Yes there is, Hannah! Why would I tell you to seat a table if there was nobody in that section?!" STRIKE TWO. First of all, she has done that before. Second, Janet didn't tell me she was on and neither did she. Break down in communication. Also, we only had one efficient busser. He can only be in one place at a time. The other is lazy and you can't find him anywhere, so a whole bunch of tables were dirty. The third thing that happened that sent me over the edge was that we get really busy with parties of 5+. We have very limited spaces to put these people. So I told this family of 6 that it would be an hour. WELL, an hour later, they're still not sat. I'm greeting, which is where you take the names, put them on the list, tell them how long the wait is, and give them the pager. Andrea was leading, which is the term where a person seats the parties on the list in the computer system, pages them, and hands them to the seaters (which the term is self explanatory). Sammie was seating and of course Jake was NOWHERE to be found. Andrea was basically ignoring the 6 and trying to put this party of 12 down. I quoted the party of 12 about an hour and a half because we had a 15, 8, and 10 sat before them. They had only been there for about half an hour. SHE CALLS THE PARTY OF 12. DUDE. THE PARTY OF 6 WAS THERE FIRST. The 6 walked out and I guess they called and complained because said manager came up to me and said, "Why did you seat a party of 12 before a party of 6?" I tried to explain and she just kept yelling at me and interrupting me and everything. She seriously kept attacking me for everybody else's faults. Now keep in mind that I'm usually very calm, relaxed, and laid-back. I was SO ANGRY that Sammie, Jake, and a server named Rhonda had to send me outside to calm down before I cussed her out right in the middle of the lobby. And I don't cuss.
I've known this girl named Amber for going on 5 years. We're friends. Actually, she jokingly calls me mother because I treat her like a child or a younger sister more than a friend. A year ago or something, she started dating this girl named Kylie. I warned her about Kylie and her cousin Jordan because I was friends with them and they were just...psycho. And they turned their backs on you without a single notice. Well, Amber ranted to Kylie's good friend Gracie about something Kylie does. Let me tell you what Kylie does before I continue with the rant. Kylie is a manipulator. She tricks you into thinking she's an innocent little girl who can do no harm. In reality, she uses her depression as an excuse for all the bad crap she does and it makes me sick considering I have depression myself. So Kylie broke up with Amber. Amber came crying to me. I tried to be comforting even though I told her so. Well, fast forward a month later and they get back together. Amber stops talking to me. I ask her why and she says she's busy. Well, she's homeschooled. Doesn't have a job. Never leaves her house. How is she busy? I find out that she's basically ignoring me for Kylie. So I stop talking to her for a few weeks. Then, I find out that Kylie broke up with her for no reason. Amber came crying back to me and she's suddenly talking to me again. Now, her and Kylie just got back together. Guess what friend is getting ignored again? Me. Like I'm seriously done with this bullcrap. I know I rant to Amber a lot and if she's annoyed with me, so be it and she should just tell me. But dude. Ignoring me without giving me a reason? Cool. I should just end the friendship, but in reality, she's one of the very few friends I have left that I actually have stuff in common with.
On top of that, I miss performing music. I haven't set foot on a stage in 2 years and it's bothering me so bad. I hate not doing what I love. I'm also losing faith in God and I've been having suicidal thoughts and I can't concentrate on anything. The only thing keeping me alive is my favorite band, which is ironic because at the same time, I can't even drink in the music like I used to. I hate waking up every morning and feeling like I've hit a wall. I hate crying every night. I hate not picking up my guitar because when I put it down, I have a painful reminder that I haven't set foot on a stage in 2 years. Playing still brings me joy. It's just the realization that I'm not where I wanna be that hits me hard. I hate not being able to call up a memory of seeing my favorite band live on March 22nd and being happy for longer than 5 minutes because I realize the reality I live in. Sorry for the long rant and the sob story. I just can't take this anymore. I feel like I'm giving up on music, but I really don't want to because it's my dream. I just don't know what to do anymore, guys.
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