Selfish

[Lilsoldr]

I've been married for 22 years to a great woman and terrific mother.
I am a Christian who loves Jesus and she is a Christian who knows Jesus.
I have always known she wasn't as committed to the faith like me, However; she never opposed me from going to church. She hasn't been to church in years and I'm to the point where I'm tired of going solo.
She had tried going during the beginning of our marriage but it has faded 10 plus years ago.
We are good friends and get along fine. We have 3 kids; one graduated college, one in 10th grade and last in 6th.
I have left before "2 years ago" and came back 6 mos. later without the kids knowing that I had left because of the guilt.
I feel isolated in my faith for the past year and I'm moving away from God and not going to church as often.
No counseling because she does not believe in counseling and I have been a few times but nothing came of it.
So, I'm trying to hang in the marriage but I think it's uselss and eventually when the youngest graduates high school we have talked about seperating.
So, should I be selfish and save my faith or continue to hang in there because it's the Christianly thing to do.

 

[TraySir]

I've been married for 22 years to a great woman and terrific mother.
I am a Christian who loves Jesus and she is a Christian who knows Jesus.
I have always known she wasn't as committed to the faith like me, However; she never opposed me from going to church. She hasn't been to church in years and I'm to the point where I'm tired of going solo.
She had tried going during the beginning of our marriage but it has faded 10 plus years ago.
We are good friends and get along fine. We have 3 kids; one graduated college, one in 10th grade and last in 6th.
I have left before "2 years ago" and came back 6 mos. later without the kids knowing that I had left because of the guilt.
I feel isolated in my faith for the past year and I'm moving away from God and not going to church as often.
No counseling because she does not believe in counseling and I have been a few times but nothing came of it.
So, I'm trying to hang in the marriage but I think it's uselss and eventually when the youngest graduates high school we have talked about seperating.
So, should I be selfish and save my faith or continue to hang in there because it's the Christianly thing to do.

You don't save your faith, your faith saves you.
Your faith and trust in God sounds weak. Doubtful.

I urge you to do the right thing and stay with God and your family.
Set the example. Merely live a committed life to God and for Him. You be dedicated.

I understand the various shades of meaning of 'hang in there.' Your use sounds negative. Unwilling. Not saying that's how it is, but it sounds that way.

Separate? Save your faith? Hang in there?

Separating won't save your faith. You should want to do more than 'hang in there.'

You can grow, strength your faith and trust in the Lord, and that begins by staying with your family.
But don't stay or make that commitment begrudgingly. Be joyful. Do it whole heartedly, as unto the Lord.

 

[Magenta]

Hello Lilsoldr, welcome to CC. I wonder why you think your wife knows Jesus when it seems she is not spiritually fed by doing the things we are commanded to do, such as not forsaking the gathering together with the body of Christ (other believers), and partaking of the Lord's supper in remembrance of Him? I wonder also why she is opposed to counselling. Do you know?

 

[PrynceNY]

Welcome Lilsoldr, as a Christian I am sure you are aware God only allows divorce under specific circumstances. The scriptures doesn't talk about mutual agreement to separate in marriage. I state that because if ya'll do separate in that manner and have relations with other people that would be considered adultery. Unsure what exactly you mean by being selfish, The lord tells us to put him above our families.

 

[notuptome]

I've been married for 22 years to a great woman and terrific mother.
I am a Christian who loves Jesus and she is a Christian who knows Jesus.
I have always known she wasn't as committed to the faith like me, However; she never opposed me from going to church. She hasn't been to church in years and I'm to the point where I'm tired of going solo.
She had tried going during the beginning of our marriage but it has faded 10 plus years ago.
We are good friends and get along fine. We have 3 kids; one graduated college, one in 10th grade and last in 6th.
I have left before "2 years ago" and came back 6 mos. later without the kids knowing that I had left because of the guilt.
I feel isolated in my faith for the past year and I'm moving away from God and not going to church as often.
No counseling because she does not believe in counseling and I have been a few times but nothing came of it.
So, I'm trying to hang in the marriage but I think it's uselss and eventually when the youngest graduates high school we have talked about seperating.
So, should I be selfish and save my faith or continue to hang in there because it's the Christianly thing to do.

Well don't blame the Lord for this. Have you been hypocritical in your walk with Jesus? Could it be that you have not lived the testimony of Christ in your own household?

Are your children professing to know Christ?

I am wary of you playing the martyr.

You have no biblical grounds to divorce. Perhaps instead of blaming your wife you need to get right with God.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[BeyondET]

I've been married for 22 years to a great woman and terrific mother.
I am a Christian who loves Jesus and she is a Christian who knows Jesus.
I have always known she wasn't as committed to the faith like me, However; she never opposed me from going to church. She hasn't been to church in years and I'm to the point where I'm tired of going solo.
She had tried going during the beginning of our marriage but it has faded 10 plus years ago.
We are good friends and get along fine. We have 3 kids; one graduated college, one in 10th grade and last in 6th.
I have left before "2 years ago" and came back 6 mos. later without the kids knowing that I had left because of the guilt.
I feel isolated in my faith for the past year and I'm moving away from God and not going to church as often.
No counseling because she does not believe in counseling and I have been a few times but nothing came of it.
So, I'm trying to hang in the marriage but I think it's uselss and eventually when the youngest graduates high school we have talked about seperating.
So, should I be selfish and save my faith or continue to hang in there because it's the Christianly thing to do.

Every person, married or not married, single or not single, has their own seasons they go through, regardless of how or what we may think where that season should be at in their life...

 

[BeyondET]

Patience,,,,

[video=youtube;7nq98aqRmy4]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nq98aqRmy4[/video]

 

[Lilsoldr]

Thanks! That's what I needed to hear

 

[Depleted]

I've been married for 22 years to a great woman and terrific mother.
I am a Christian who loves Jesus and she is a Christian who knows Jesus.
I have always known she wasn't as committed to the faith like me, However; she never opposed me from going to church. She hasn't been to church in years and I'm to the point where I'm tired of going solo.
She had tried going during the beginning of our marriage but it has faded 10 plus years ago.
We are good friends and get along fine. We have 3 kids; one graduated college, one in 10th grade and last in 6th.
I have left before "2 years ago" and came back 6 mos. later without the kids knowing that I had left because of the guilt.
I feel isolated in my faith for the past year and I'm moving away from God and not going to church as often.
No counseling because she does not believe in counseling and I have been a few times but nothing came of it.
So, I'm trying to hang in the marriage but I think it's uselss and eventually when the youngest graduates high school we have talked about seperating.
So, should I be selfish and save my faith or continue to hang in there because it's the Christianly thing to do.

Your job:
Ephesians 5:[FONT=&quot]25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]30 because we are members of his body.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot]32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.[/FONT]

 

[maxwel]

I've been married for 22 years to a great woman and terrific mother.
I am a Christian who loves Jesus and she is a Christian who knows Jesus.
I have always known she wasn't as committed to the faith like me, However; she never opposed me from going to church. She hasn't been to church in years and I'm to the point where I'm tired of going solo.
She had tried going during the beginning of our marriage but it has faded 10 plus years ago.
We are good friends and get along fine. We have 3 kids; one graduated college, one in 10th grade and last in 6th.
I have left before "2 years ago" and came back 6 mos. later without the kids knowing that I had left because of the guilt.
I feel isolated in my faith for the past year and I'm moving away from God and not going to church as often.
No counseling because she does not believe in counseling and I have been a few times but nothing came of it.
So, I'm trying to hang in the marriage but I think it's uselss and eventually when the youngest graduates high school we have talked about seperating.
So, should I be selfish and save my faith or continue to hang in there because it's the Christianly thing to do.

1. I'm not sure that "going to counseling a few times" really qualifies as a serious attempt to fix anything.

That amount of determination isn't really going to produce results in any area of life.



2. You need to pray that God will change your heart to actually want to save your marriage.



3. You need to get into serious counseling, with a pastor, and get some help, and get some good BIBLICAL counsel.



4. BTW, there isn't any place in scripture that makes it ok to divorce your wife just because you're not happy.

I'm sorry you're not happy.
But divorcing your wife, unless it's for biblical grounds, is going to do the OPPOSITE of saving your faith.

 

[Cerwin]

I've been with my husband 30 years and he encourages me to go to church, bible study and loves that I volunteer at the food bank sometimes. He himself isn't involved in the church because he said "he doesn't profess to know all the answers" (like a lot of people in church do. I too, sometimes see other couples in church and feel a tinge of jelousy, but I'm never lonely with it because so many of the other people always look for me and welcome me to sit with them. NEVER would I divorce because my husband isn't of the same faith unless he stood between me and mine, or put down Jesus in any way . He is very supportive of what I believe and loves that I have Christian friends over to the house and is even excited that I've discovered Christian Chat here. He is loving and kind and never judgemental. So FOR ME, perhaps ONLY for me, I've never considered I am displeasing to God for staying with him. But your happiness really is important to God. I believe that too. He never meant for people to suffer agony through marriage, and I KNOW I read that in the bible (concerning divorce) . I pray that Holy Spirit guides you through this most difficult decision, in Jesus name. Amen.

 

[Angela53510]

First, going to church, although I always urge people to do it, because it is commanded in Hebrews 10:25, is not the only thing a Chrstian needs to do on their walk with God.

There is personal Bible reading. That means find a reading plan, and literally read the Bible daily. I've done the simple one of reading three chapters of the OT and 1 of the NT, which gets you through the Bible in a year. I also add a psalm just because they lift my spirits so much.

Then, there is prayer! What is your relationship about? It is about knowing Jesus! Who is your relationship about? It is Jesus! How do you get to know him better? By talking to him, by praying for God to illuminate the Scripture as you read. Being a Christian means really seeking God on your knees and obeying him. And pray for your children, and all the needs you realize need to be prayed for - colleagues, political issues, sickness in friends or family.

I also have done Christian meditation and it has really done so much good for me! Take a meaningful verse and just slowly say it over to yourself, listening to what God is saying to you about it. I started simple, with verses like "My peace I give you!" And then moved on!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding,
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths" Prov. 3:5-6

I meditated daily for 2 years on this verse. In the end, I realize God had shown me what it really means to trust him totally.

Then there is fellowship. Find a small group. If your wife won't come, at least you will be getting fellowship. Listen to Christian music - fill your heart with praises to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords! Read some Christian books about Jesus.

And do find a Christian counselor. I know they will tell you that all marriages go through bad places. Sadly, I meet too many people who can't see their way through the low places, think their lives are blocked, and being damaged, and get divorced. My husband and I have gone through many trials at various times. Some of them very serious. But we believed God when he said don't divorce, we clung to God, and pushed through, and I can't imagine my life now, if we had followed through and divorced. My husband has always been my best friend, and that is what married people should seek to cultivate.

One last thing, treat your wife like she is special. Take her on a date. Get the older child to babysit the 11 year old. Take her to a dinner and movie, or to an art gallery or whatever she likes! And, if the kitchen is a mess one day, why not clean it up for her? Show her that you do care about her! And do PRAY for her to come back to God, every day, and mean it!

Your wife is not causing you to fall away from God. My husband is a strong Christian, but there were times he could not go to church for a year. He would not read his Bible, and he was not living for God. I prayed, and prayed. We had a pastor that got the church reading the bible, and he picked his up. That was 4 years ago, and he has never stopped reading. He never misses church, and now is on the renovation team, and he has lots of pals at church, and the men encourage one another. I know that was the power of prayer, bringing him back to a sound relationship with God. I didn't stop my devotions, like Daniel, I just kept on worshiping and serving God. Blaming your wife is a cop out. And divorcing over it, and saying you will save your walk with God is utter nonsense.

 

[oldethennew]

always remember, we all are on our own individual journey with our Saviour - married or not,
although of course, if we are married, we are ONE in CHRIST, if He has called us together,
in His own time...it seems as if today, it is a 'rare-thing' to behold...

CHURCH is where His Heart dwells in us and ours in Him, no matter if alone or in a crowd...

we are born weak creatures, but if He calls us, we will always do our part to partake with/in Him
for when we are weak, He is strong...

 

[Dan58]

Your faith doesn't have anything to do with your wife, so you shouldn't need to move away from her to save your faith. Salvation is an individual and personal thing, your wife not wanting to go to church with you shouldn't be a barrier. If your moving away from God, its not your wife's fault. You say she doesn't oppose you going to church and is a great woman and terrific mother, so count your blessings. Sure, it would be nice if she tagged along with you to church, but you should never feel isolated because you go alone. Maybe she is committed to her faith, but just doesn't associate it with going to church on a regular basis? jmo

 

[slave]

I've been married for 22 years to a great woman and terrific mother.
I am a Christian who loves Jesus and she is a Christian who knows Jesus.
I have always known she wasn't as committed to the faith like me, However; she never opposed me from going to church. She hasn't been to church in years and I'm to the point where I'm tired of going solo.
She had tried going during the beginning of our marriage but it has faded 10 plus years ago.
We are good friends and get along fine. We have 3 kids; one graduated college, one in 10th grade and last in 6th.
I have left before "2 years ago" and came back 6 mos. later without the kids knowing that I had left because of the guilt.
I feel isolated in my faith for the past year and I'm moving away from God and not going to church as often.
No counseling because she does not believe in counseling and I have been a few times but nothing came of it.
So, I'm trying to hang in the marriage but I think it's uselss and eventually when the youngest graduates high school we have talked about seperating.
So, should I be selfish and save my faith or continue to hang in there because it's the Christianly thing to do.

When you find yourself face to face with your spouse who is spiritually lost, remind yourself of Jesus Christ on the cross. If she can get to God in any other way, then the Cross of Christ is unnecessary. If you think you are helping her with your sympathy and understanding, you are a traitor to Jesus Christ. You must have a right-standing relationship with Him yourself, and pour your life out in helping her; thus, your marriage; and yourself - will only find answers thru His way— not in a human way that ignores God. The theme of the world’s religion today is to serve in a pleasant, non-confrontational manner.

So, should you be selfish and save your faith? Your faith is not for you, it is for the intentions and purposes of God. So, think about this: Should you be selfless and use your faith, intensely so; expectantly so in praying for His will to be accomplished for her sake, and thus for yours.

Hanging in there is not just a Christiany thing to do, it is an oath you and her took with God toward God, and with each other. And, we tend to forget God promises to be faithful to you as well. What God has put together, let no man put asunder. You say you are trying to hang in there, then you say immediately after - but I think it's useless. Has God told you it is useless? What green pastures are on the other side of divorce?

Whom are you serving? The spirit of God, or your own soul? "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for Me will find it." (Matthew 16:25).

Let the grace of God refill your cup daily and fight harder in prayer and love your wife altogether more sacrificially for the intentions God would have. But do it counting the cost and decide so that it won't be in vain thru a pretentious masquerade.

 

[EarnestQ]

I get the impression, perhaps wrongly, that there is room for growth in your relationship with Jesus. It occurs to me that if you were desperately fall in love with Jesus that your wife would be either attracted to him or repelled by Him. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, the best way to motivate her to draw closer to Jesus is for you to demonstrate a close relationship with him and then share that love with her.

Learn to fall in love with him. Start by learning how much he already loves you. (Prayerfully read the Gospel of John a number of times.)

The more you love Christ, the more your love for her will grow. Ask Jesus to put within you the love He wants you to share with your wife. The more you love her with the love of Christ, less she will want to leave you, and you her.

 

[Namiette]

Maybe the patience and prayer is what God wants from you right now... not to divorce your wife or talk about being separated, when...

Of course, maybe you think you've been patient too long... but God does not always answer our prayers immediately. Just keep praying and trust Him...
Put God on the first place in your life. It's not selfishness, it's biblical. But it doesn't mean to go and divorce your wife.

I'm praying for both of you

 

[Angelique]

Be honest to yourself. Its not about your faith.

 

[trofimus]

Your faith doesn't have anything to do with your wife, so you shouldn't need to move away from her to save your faith. Salvation is an individual and personal thing, your wife not wanting to go to church with you shouldn't be a barrier. If your moving away from God, its not your wife's fault. You say she doesn't oppose you going to church and is a great woman and terrific mother, so count your blessings. Sure, it would be nice if she tagged along with you to church, but you should never feel isolated because you go alone. Maybe she is committed to her faith, but just doesn't associate it with going to church on a regular basis? jmo

Exactly. Our faith and our walking with God is not anything dependent on others, neither wife, nor parents/children, nor church etc.

I would recommend you (Lilsoldr) to keep your faith, grow in knowledge, and stay with your wife.

You both made a promise. And keeping the promise is biblical. By separation you probably mean singleness (another partner would be adultery), which is better for Christians, but you already made a promise to stay with your wife, in both good and evil.

 

[trofimus]

"What I am saying, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none."
1Cor 7:29

So, practically - stay with your wife because you want to keep your promise, but regarding your life with God, live as a single, independent one.