V
I don't know where to begin. Every time I tell my story to either Christian or non Christian alike, they tell me I should divorce my husband, and that is not what I want. I am however very tired. I have been suffering with a physical ailment for quite some time, and as my body is fatigued and hurting, it is making fighting spiritually very difficult.
My husband and I will celebrate our 29th anniversary in June of this year. I knew that something was wrong on day number 2 of our marriage. My husband has struggled with an addiction to pornography for most of our marriage, and I did not find out about it until we had already been married for thirteen years. There were definitely red flags along the way, and our intimate relationship was virtually non existent, but I did not have proof until that thirteenth year. My husband also suffers from depression and Obsessive compulsive tendencies. He has gone through counseling, and in 2008-2009 after he went on an anti depressant that altered his personality, and he became so uninhibited in his behavior that he was unfaithful and almost had a nervous break down he went away to a Christian facility for intensive treatment. We have also received marital counseling as well. I have seen short periods of time through out the years where my husband will try to plug in, but these are very short lived, and he seems to slip back into old habits.
I have a very strong faith, and have persevered through a lot of trials, and know my worth comes from my relationship with Christ. What I am struggling with though is that my husband can be very verbally abusive, and will not take accountability for his actions. Most of the time I try to stay silent and respond in a loving manner, and pray for God to change his heart, as he claims to be a Christian. However my husband has told me repeatedly in our marriage as early as six weeks in that he cannot maintain a solid relationship with the Lord. He says when he met me he saw the person he would like to become, but he could not and cannot keep up the charade, and at this point in his life as he is reaching the 50 year old mark, he really does not even desire a relationship with God.
We have 2 children one who is graduated from college, and a freshman in high school. My husbands relationship is very awkward with them, and my oldest son has sought a fatherly figure in our youth pastor at church. Our younger son has also sought out a relationship with our pastor as well. I make myself available as much as possible for my kids, but because of our financial situation, I must work full time. My husband gets home early in the day, yet really puts in no effort to have a relationship with them, and is often verbally abusive to them, and often says he is done with them, if they do not behave exactly as he wishes. Both of my children love going to church and have also expressed that they love God and want to have deep relationships with God and serve him with their lives. With that being said, they are however kids, and struggle with all the normal kid stuff just like any other kid in this world, they are normal, however the only parental support they receive is from me, and other adult Christian's that fill in the gap.
Although my husband gets home early in the day from work, and we own a home, he makes no effort to help around or do any maintenance on our home without much attitude and complaining, and although I try to do as much as I can, as I stated earlier I have a chronic health problem that physically does not allow me to do everything by myself. My kids do pitch in and have chores that they perform each week.
These last couple of weeks, I have been feeling very discouraged. I know that Jesus is my all in all, but I am also human, and I am married and want companionship from my husband. I truly love him, and want so much for him. I want him to know the love of God as I do, and for him to have peace and joy in his life. Because he is pushing God away he does not have peace, and he feels he has been jipped in this life. He does not see his family as a blessing, or anything that God has provided as a blessing. He continues to try and fill God shaped holes in his life with anything else but God. He has even told me that's one of the things he hates about me most is that I hold God above everything else, and always try and do the right thing. His words cut through my heart and are so hurtful on so many levels.
I have been struggling and wrestling with this for a long time, and over the last month my husband has really become even more distant and distracted. He says he is not looking at pornography, or pursuing any kind of inappropriate relationships. and seems to prefer filling his time with sci-fi books, video games, movies, and working out. He will always have time for that, and be very engaged when he is doing those things, but the time he does spend with me he is only there, he does not engage or even really talk to me, and most of the time it feels as though he is merely tolerating my presence. That leads up to today. I have been thinking about how I might approach him and discuss how I feel, so I had my head phones on and was totally into my thoughts. He was in a room nearby, and was trying to get my attention, and because I had my head phones on I could not hear him. He proceeded to through an almost empty can of soda at me. It almost hit me in the head, and proceeded to splash soda all over me, my clothes, and the table. This really upset me, and because I had been in my thoughts about the past month, this made me cry. He did not say he was sorry, but cursed at me and told me it was just a joke, and that I was over reacting. When I responded and said it was not funny, he told me I could leave, he didn't need me, and that I was the "B" word.
I waited for things to cool down, and we took a ride to a nearby park where I tried to help him understand how his behavior makes me feel, which was met by pretty much silence. I did ask him though why when he knows that he has hurt someone why he is not feel compelled to say he is sorry, or why he blames others for his own behavior. He said nothing in return.
I know that there is nothing in my humanness that I can do to change his heart, that has to come from God. What I need is the strength to persevere, and for God to give me peace and joy despite my trials. I know that marriage was not designed to make me or my husband happy, but to make us holy. I just don't know how this can happen when my husband who says he is a believer is purposely pursuing his own wants and desires and rejecting his relationship with God.
I am not really looking for anyone to bash my husband here, but felt it necessary to give some background and history to understand what I am dealing with. I am truly looking for encouragement and prayer for me and my husband, for God to work in me and through me. I love my husband, and I want my marriage. I really need prayer for my physical issues as well. I have chronic wide spread pain and fatigue, possible osteo arthritis, and my physical ailments are what are draining me, so I don' have the same fight as I used to. I am looking to this group because as I stated anyone who knows us as a couple are all negative, and encouraging me to give up on my marriage. When I took my vows almost 30 years ago, I said in sickness and in health, and my husband truly does suffer from mental illness. I took those vows seriously and reverently before God, and I believe marriage to be a covenant between the three of us.
My husband and I will celebrate our 29th anniversary in June of this year. I knew that something was wrong on day number 2 of our marriage. My husband has struggled with an addiction to pornography for most of our marriage, and I did not find out about it until we had already been married for thirteen years. There were definitely red flags along the way, and our intimate relationship was virtually non existent, but I did not have proof until that thirteenth year. My husband also suffers from depression and Obsessive compulsive tendencies. He has gone through counseling, and in 2008-2009 after he went on an anti depressant that altered his personality, and he became so uninhibited in his behavior that he was unfaithful and almost had a nervous break down he went away to a Christian facility for intensive treatment. We have also received marital counseling as well. I have seen short periods of time through out the years where my husband will try to plug in, but these are very short lived, and he seems to slip back into old habits.
I have a very strong faith, and have persevered through a lot of trials, and know my worth comes from my relationship with Christ. What I am struggling with though is that my husband can be very verbally abusive, and will not take accountability for his actions. Most of the time I try to stay silent and respond in a loving manner, and pray for God to change his heart, as he claims to be a Christian. However my husband has told me repeatedly in our marriage as early as six weeks in that he cannot maintain a solid relationship with the Lord. He says when he met me he saw the person he would like to become, but he could not and cannot keep up the charade, and at this point in his life as he is reaching the 50 year old mark, he really does not even desire a relationship with God.
We have 2 children one who is graduated from college, and a freshman in high school. My husbands relationship is very awkward with them, and my oldest son has sought a fatherly figure in our youth pastor at church. Our younger son has also sought out a relationship with our pastor as well. I make myself available as much as possible for my kids, but because of our financial situation, I must work full time. My husband gets home early in the day, yet really puts in no effort to have a relationship with them, and is often verbally abusive to them, and often says he is done with them, if they do not behave exactly as he wishes. Both of my children love going to church and have also expressed that they love God and want to have deep relationships with God and serve him with their lives. With that being said, they are however kids, and struggle with all the normal kid stuff just like any other kid in this world, they are normal, however the only parental support they receive is from me, and other adult Christian's that fill in the gap.
Although my husband gets home early in the day from work, and we own a home, he makes no effort to help around or do any maintenance on our home without much attitude and complaining, and although I try to do as much as I can, as I stated earlier I have a chronic health problem that physically does not allow me to do everything by myself. My kids do pitch in and have chores that they perform each week.
These last couple of weeks, I have been feeling very discouraged. I know that Jesus is my all in all, but I am also human, and I am married and want companionship from my husband. I truly love him, and want so much for him. I want him to know the love of God as I do, and for him to have peace and joy in his life. Because he is pushing God away he does not have peace, and he feels he has been jipped in this life. He does not see his family as a blessing, or anything that God has provided as a blessing. He continues to try and fill God shaped holes in his life with anything else but God. He has even told me that's one of the things he hates about me most is that I hold God above everything else, and always try and do the right thing. His words cut through my heart and are so hurtful on so many levels.
I have been struggling and wrestling with this for a long time, and over the last month my husband has really become even more distant and distracted. He says he is not looking at pornography, or pursuing any kind of inappropriate relationships. and seems to prefer filling his time with sci-fi books, video games, movies, and working out. He will always have time for that, and be very engaged when he is doing those things, but the time he does spend with me he is only there, he does not engage or even really talk to me, and most of the time it feels as though he is merely tolerating my presence. That leads up to today. I have been thinking about how I might approach him and discuss how I feel, so I had my head phones on and was totally into my thoughts. He was in a room nearby, and was trying to get my attention, and because I had my head phones on I could not hear him. He proceeded to through an almost empty can of soda at me. It almost hit me in the head, and proceeded to splash soda all over me, my clothes, and the table. This really upset me, and because I had been in my thoughts about the past month, this made me cry. He did not say he was sorry, but cursed at me and told me it was just a joke, and that I was over reacting. When I responded and said it was not funny, he told me I could leave, he didn't need me, and that I was the "B" word.
I waited for things to cool down, and we took a ride to a nearby park where I tried to help him understand how his behavior makes me feel, which was met by pretty much silence. I did ask him though why when he knows that he has hurt someone why he is not feel compelled to say he is sorry, or why he blames others for his own behavior. He said nothing in return.
I know that there is nothing in my humanness that I can do to change his heart, that has to come from God. What I need is the strength to persevere, and for God to give me peace and joy despite my trials. I know that marriage was not designed to make me or my husband happy, but to make us holy. I just don't know how this can happen when my husband who says he is a believer is purposely pursuing his own wants and desires and rejecting his relationship with God.
I am not really looking for anyone to bash my husband here, but felt it necessary to give some background and history to understand what I am dealing with. I am truly looking for encouragement and prayer for me and my husband, for God to work in me and through me. I love my husband, and I want my marriage. I really need prayer for my physical issues as well. I have chronic wide spread pain and fatigue, possible osteo arthritis, and my physical ailments are what are draining me, so I don' have the same fight as I used to. I am looking to this group because as I stated anyone who knows us as a couple are all negative, and encouraging me to give up on my marriage. When I took my vows almost 30 years ago, I said in sickness and in health, and my husband truly does suffer from mental illness. I took those vows seriously and reverently before God, and I believe marriage to be a covenant between the three of us.
[/FONT]
