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Thread: Son who doesn't respect our values.

  1. #21
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Willie-T View Post
    I just about fell off my chair, laughing at the specific timeframe you presented. LOL
    Me too! And then grandma can hold the grandbaby, and how can she possibly kick out Little Darling then? LOL
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    Lynn

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    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

  2. #22
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by kaylagrl View Post
    I didn't see you say why he moved back home... If you feel that strongly about it,sit them both down,tell them why and ask them one last time to honor your request.If it is not honored its time for him to leave and the locks on the doors to be changed. He's an adult and he's doing what he wishes,which is up to him,but you're also an adult with wishes who likely pays most or all of the bills. There is no winning in this situation.You cant parent a grown adult and the more you try the more he'll act like a kid and rebel.If he's old enough to make adult choices he's old enough to live on his own.
    The rules in my parent's house were clear, followed by the usual amount of repeat on "My house! My rules! If you don't like them, you know where the door is."

    BUT, everyone is so quick to tell Mrs. Chick what to do, they're forgetting what Mr. Chick says.

    "My house! My rules!" worked for me because that wasn't just-mom or just-dad. That was a united front. We don't yet know if this home's rules are united.
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    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

  3. #23
    Senior Member Willie-T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    One of the biggest mistakes we ever started doing with children was the never-ending count:

    "Ok! Now, I'm going to count to ten...."
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    __________________________________________________ ________________________________________
    “True eloquence consists of saying all that is necessary, and only that which is .” François Duc De La Rochefoucauld (among others)
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  4. #24
    Senior Member Tinuviel's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Willie-T View Post
    One of the biggest mistakes we ever started doing with children was the never-ending count:

    "Ok! Now, I'm going to count to ten...."
    I never got that from my parents. (thankfully!) And they never get to the number, that's the terrible thing.
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    “If sinners be damned, at least let them leap to Hell over our dead bodies. And if they perish, let them perish with our arms wrapped about their knees, imploring them to stay. If Hell must be filled, let it be filled in the teeth of our exertions, and let not one go unwarned and unprayed for.”
    ~Charles Spurgeon

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    Senior Member Magenta's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    After nine months, you will be grandparents and saddled with
    the responsibility of raising the child of your irresponsible son.
    OwzK likes this.


    Embrace the Grace and Rejoice in His Everlasting Mercy and Love

  6. #26
    marvelchick
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Wow, whatever gives you the impression that we dont believe in our values. You read a snapshot and came to that conclusions, just wow.
    Quote Originally Posted by Willie-T View Post
    Seems like you may not truly believe in your own claimed values. How can you expect him to?

  7. #27
    Senior Member Willie-T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by marvelchick View Post
    Wow, whatever gives you the impression that we dont believe in our values. You read a snapshot and came to that conclusions, just wow.
    Three nights in a row, he sneaks this girl in........... and you call that a "snapshot?"
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    __________________________________________________ ________________________________________
    “True eloquence consists of saying all that is necessary, and only that which is .” François Duc De La Rochefoucauld (among others)
    I am the righteousness of God, in Christ Jesus.

  8. #28
    Senior Member renewed_hope's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    I am not condoning these actions of blatantly disrespecting the rules, but there could be a good reason why he sneaks her in. Yes, there are obvious ones like having sex, but there is another you probably haven't even thought of....it could be her living situation is not safe and your son knows she could be safe under your roof. I wouldn't be too quick to jump to conclusions here and just have your husband sit down with your son man to man and figure this all out
    I choose to honor God by inspiring people. How do you honor him?........

  9. #29
    Senior Member Willie-T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by renewed_hope View Post
    I am not condoning these actions of blatantly disrespecting the rules, but there could be a good reason why he sneaks her in. Yes, there are obvious ones like having sex, but there is another you probably haven't even thought of....it could be her living situation is not safe and your son knows she could be safe under your roof. I wouldn't be too quick to jump to conclusions here and just have your husband sit down with your son man to man and figure this all out
    And pigs might learn to fly. But, seriously, there might be a VERY remote possibility of something like that.
    __________________________________________________ ________________________________________
    “True eloquence consists of saying all that is necessary, and only that which is .” François Duc De La Rochefoucauld (among others)
    I am the righteousness of God, in Christ Jesus.

  10. #30
    Senior Member Ugly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by renewed_hope View Post
    I am not condoning these actions of blatantly disrespecting the rules, but there could be a good reason why he sneaks her in. Yes, there are obvious ones like having sex, but there is another you probably haven't even thought of....it could be her living situation is not safe and your son knows she could be safe under your roof. I wouldn't be too quick to jump to conclusions here and just have your husband sit down with your son man to man and figure this all out
    Why should that matter? They say no and he goes against their wishes. If there were special circumstances then he still has the responsibility to talk with them about it. But he's sneaking behind their backs and breaking their rules. He shouldn't be rewarded for that.
    Give me a new voice
    Give me a heart for repentance and make it stay
    Cause I've idolized my words
    It's all my fault
    But it's comfortable
    ~Poured Out, Rival Choir~

  11. #31
    Senior Member Angela53510's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    The worst thing you could do to your son is enable him. Because allowing him to stay when he has no intention of keeping your rules (rules I agree with totally) means that you are letting him win in your relationship, at the loss of his character.

    I say this, because I went through this. I was very defiant towards my parents. I broke one of their rules, although not for the reason they thought I was. They threw me out at age 17, in the middle of grade 12. I put myself through hell after that, but I did get stronger and stronger. I learned how to fend for myself, and put my life back together. My brother, on the other hand, was totally enabled by my parents. He used their car, blamed my sister when he crashed it into the garage, they excused him when he molested my sister, because "boys will be boys" and he managed to flunk out of every training course my dad got him into and he was not dumb.

    Meanwhile, I got a science degree and a teaching degree. I got married, and had 4 children. Bought our own houses, built a house, and worked for a living. My brother did not have to work, because he could just stay in my parents basement. And stay, and stay, and stay!

    My brother is now 60 and living in the basement. No job, no wife (he had a nice girlfriend once (a Christian) and my father forced my brother to dump her, because my father didn't like her mom. Eventually, the mother got remarried, leaving the girl behind. She committed suicide a year or so after that. And of course, no children, no interests and no life.

    My sister and I have tried for 6 years to get our mom and dad into assisted living, and then my mom when my father passed away. But, my mom can't move, because this marvellously manipulative son threatens to commit suicide every time we try to get him out of the basement.

    Now your son may not go through all that. But, you are hurting him for sure, allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. You may think you are doing him a favour, allowing him to flaunt your rules, three days in a row. But you are hurting him.

    Why do parents think enabling their kids is the right way to do things? Our society is just so mixed up about the real meaning of parenting! In my opinion, three strikes and he is out. Well, with a girl he has known a week - probably one strike sealed that deal for me.

    PS. We raised 4 children. Not once did they try anything like that. In fact, our oldest son had been married 8 or 9 years, and he was so excited he got to stay with his wife in our house. Our children all have good careers, their own homes, and, of course, our grandchildren are wonderful! We gave our kids a lots, in terms of taking them to sports activities, music lessons, camping in the summer, and lego. Yep, lots of lego! LOL. But they have not disappointed us. We are so blessed!
    Ariel82, santuzza, tourist and 2 others like this.
    "And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2 Cor. 12:9 NASB

  12. #32
    Senior Member renewed_hope's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ugly View Post
    Why should that matter? They say no and he goes against their wishes. If there were special circumstances then he still has the responsibility to talk with them about it. But he's sneaking behind their backs and breaking their rules. He shouldn't be rewarded for that.
    I can't believe that you can be so insensitive to things like this. She could be pregnant and got kicked out of her parents house and doesn't know what to do and swore this guy to secrecy and he is doing everything he can to make her feel loved and secure. Granted, it doesn't make it right, but that is why I mentioned that his dad sits down with him and get the facts before going off on him. He could very well be screwing around in his parents home blatantly disrespecting the rules, but we dont know amd thats why I brought up a different scenario.

    Think back to American history for a moment to the Underground Railroad? People would keep African-American people in their homes knowing it was illegal to get them to safety and didn't say a word because it would have cost the them their lives and home. Our freedoms today would not be where they are without these families and they did it out of love and concern. There are two sides to every story so please don't pass judgement when we only know one side of it
    I choose to honor God by inspiring people. How do you honor him?........

  13. #33
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by renewed_hope View Post
    I am not condoning these actions of blatantly disrespecting the rules, but there could be a good reason why he sneaks her in. Yes, there are obvious ones like having sex, but there is another you probably haven't even thought of....it could be her living situation is not safe and your son knows she could be safe under your roof. I wouldn't be too quick to jump to conclusions here and just have your husband sit down with your son man to man and figure this all out
    In which case you ask your parents if she can stay in the spare room.
    Angela53510, Ugly and Willie-T like this.
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

  14. #34
    Senior Member Ugly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by renewed_hope View Post
    I can't believe that you can be so insensitive to things like this. She could be pregnant and got kicked out of her parents house and doesn't know what to do and swore this guy to secrecy and he is doing everything he can to make her feel loved and secure. Granted, it doesn't make it right, but that is why I mentioned that his dad sits down with him and get the facts before going off on him. He could very well be screwing around in his parents home blatantly disrespecting the rules, but we dont know amd thats why I brought up a different scenario.

    Think back to American history for a moment to the Underground Railroad? People would keep African-American people in their homes knowing it was illegal to get them to safety and didn't say a word because it would have cost the them their lives and home. Our freedoms today would not be where they are without these families and they did it out of love and concern. There are two sides to every story so please don't pass judgement when we only know one side of it
    He still has a responsibility to respect and honor his parents and the wishes of the people that own the house that are allowing him to stay there. He needs to be an adult and not wrap up in HS level drama. He still needs to be responsible and tell her "I have to be able to tell my parents or I could get kicked out too. Then neither of us will have a place to live". Doesn't that sound more grown up and reasonable than acting like a kid in HS sneaking around and lacking respect for those providing for him as an adult?
    It's not insensitive to expect someone to act like a grown man and to respect the people helping him out.
    And your entire argument is based on an "if", not facts.
    Give me a new voice
    Give me a heart for repentance and make it stay
    Cause I've idolized my words
    It's all my fault
    But it's comfortable
    ~Poured Out, Rival Choir~

  15. #35
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Willie-T View Post
    Three nights in a row, he sneaks this girl in........... and you call that a "snapshot?"
    Really? We were group home parents. Five nights a week, a cop would come to our door to redeliver the same boy. He kept sneaking out after we went to bed. (The only kid I ever knew who got caught by cops that often too, yeesh! Most people are sneakier than that. lol) So according to you the answer is to guard the son all day and all night, never to sleep again?

    Now that's a snapshot of a different sort.

    I really am going with the kid sneaked in the girl after the parents went to bed.

    We quit our job because it was a 22 hour a day job with four juvenile delinquents in the house and two relatively normal boys with jackwipes for parents. We just couldn't keep living on two hours of sleep per day. And that truly seems like what you're advocating here. "Suck it up and guard the 20-year-old 24/7."
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

  16. #36
    Senior Member Demi777's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    well i kinda expected it to have been longer than a week lol!!
    xD u just made me laugh so hard sis XD God bless.
    Id kick him out. Thats for sure

    Quote Originally Posted by Depleted View Post
    You don't do the horizontal bop with someone in the first week of a relationship out of love. Come on now! That's under "Why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free?"
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  17. #37
    Senior Member renewed_hope's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ugly View Post
    He still has a responsibility to respect and honor his parents and the wishes of the people that own the house that are allowing him to stay there. He needs to be an adult and not wrap up in HS level drama. He still needs to be responsible and tell her "I have to be able to tell my parents or I could get kicked out too. Then neither of us will have a place to live". Doesn't that sound more grown up and reasonable than acting like a kid in HS sneaking around and lacking respect for those providing for him as an adult?
    It's not insensitive to expect someone to act like a grown man and to respect the people helping him out.
    And your entire argument is based on an "if", not facts.
    I never said it as fact, if you reread what was written I merely said there is a whole other side of the story and his dad needs to sit down with their son and figure it out.

    As far as the maturity thing goes, for men it takes much longer for them to grow up. I refuse to date anyone in their twenties because in my experience men that age are not mature enough and don't have their lives put together yet. But truthfully if a guy has any interest in a girl they would do ALMOST anything to make them happy....change their look, wardrobe, career, become best friends with her boring dad, and goes with her girlfriends for a girls night out all without her asking him to....that is to impress her. Now, if she asked something of him that becomes something of a big deal.
    I choose to honor God by inspiring people. How do you honor him?........

  18. #38
    Senior Member Willie-T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Depleted View Post
    Really? We were group home parents. Five nights a week, a cop would come to our door to redeliver the same boy. He kept sneaking out after we went to bed. (The only kid I ever knew who got caught by cops that often too, yeesh! Most people are sneakier than that. lol) So according to you the answer is to guard the son all day and all night, never to sleep again?

    Now that's a snapshot of a different sort.

    I really am going with the kid sneaked in the girl after the parents went to bed.

    We quit our job because it was a 22 hour a day job with four juvenile delinquents in the house and two relatively normal boys with jackwipes for parents. We just couldn't keep living on two hours of sleep per day. And that truly seems like what you're advocating here. "Suck it up and guard the 20-year-old 24/7."
    Will you knock off building the Straw men to knock down? I don't think one person here ever even mentioned "guarding" the kid. That seems to be an invention from your own fantasies.

    I said the kid disobeyed three times in a row, and that to overlook that was a denial of any sort of values she claimed were so important to her.
    __________________________________________________ ________________________________________
    “True eloquence consists of saying all that is necessary, and only that which is .” François Duc De La Rochefoucauld (among others)
    I am the righteousness of God, in Christ Jesus.

  19. #39
    Senior Member tourist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Time for a little tough love and to show this adult child the door. If he can't respect your wishes and abide by the house rules then he don't need to be living there disrupting the entire household. If you allow him to stay there and do as he pleases you are just enabling him to leech of you and your husband without accepting responsibility for his actions or working toward worthwhile goals. Your son doesn't respect your values because he doesn't respect the Christian values found in the bible. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
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    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

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    Senior Member tourist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by marvelchick View Post
    He's known her for a week so not exactly a committed relationship.
    Sounds like a one-night stand that has been extended for a couple nights.
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    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

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