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Thread: Son who doesn't respect our values.

  1. #41
    Senior Member tourist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Depleted View Post
    Where is Dad/your husband on this issue?

    I've come to the conclusion there is no understanding Why. I don't even know why my husband likes coffee. Why doesn't matter. What you do about it does.
    As long as he doesn't prefer decaf hubby is probably OK despite the lack of understanding on his caffeine consumption.
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    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by JosephsDreams View Post
    Give it some time. Don't be so quick to throw him out. You may eventually have to, but I would at least give it 9 months. Unless of course he does something dramatically stupid or rebellious.
    I'd give him 9 minutes but that's just me.
    Willie-T likes this.
    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by marvelchick View Post
    Hi all, some Godly advice needed from fellow Christians. Our son (20) has moved back home after living out of home for a year and a bit. His father and I have raised all our children in a Christian home but at present our two eldest children (our sons) have walked away. Our son just this week has a new girlfriend and we have told him that we don't want her staying overnight at our place, we have the same rule with all our other kids too. He has sneaked her in the last three nights. The first morning we spoke to him about it, the second morning to both of them and this morning I was so angry I left it to dad to talk to him. He can't understand why he is not allowed to have her stay, and we can't understand why he can't respect our values, he knows we are Christians but doesn't even seem to care about our conditions.
    Charge him rent or have him move out.

    If he is going to treat your home like a hotel,he should pay for it.

    If he doesn't want to pay or move out, then he needs to give you respect.

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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Willie-T View Post
    One of the biggest mistakes we ever started doing with children was the never-ending count:

    "Ok! Now, I'm going to count to ten...."
    My parents started the countdown at three for me. I don't blame them.
    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

  5. #45
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ariel82 View Post
    Charge him rent or have him move out.

    If he is going to treat your home like a hotel,he should pay for it.

    If he doesn't want to pay or move out, then he needs to give you respect.
    They could charge him by the hour.
    Angela53510 and Depleted like this.
    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    I tell my kids now...at 18 after high school, they either have to move out (school or job) or pay rent.

    I would help them but believe instilling a strong sense of responsibilty is important and also making them acknowledge that living at home is a PRIVILEDGE given with love, not a RIGHT owed to them.

    My kids are currently 9 and 11. No clue how they will turn out but keep them in constant prayer.
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    John 10:v 28 And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand

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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ariel82 View Post
    I tell my kids now...at 18 after high school, they either have to move out (school or job) or pay rent.

    I would help them but believe instilling a strong sense of responsibilty is important and also making them acknowledge that living at home is a PRIVILEDGE given with love, not a RIGHT owed to them.

    My kids are currently 9 and 11. No clue how they will turn out but keep them in constant prayer.
    There was no "or pay rent" for us. We were taught graduating high school either meant get a job or continue on to college. Either way, we weren't going to be living at home three months later.

    Funny thing. Dad really never understood why I wouldn't move back home after college. It seemed logical to me. Home is too comfy. I'd never move out again, except in a pine box. lol

    (And the funny part is the only one who decided not to go to school after the diploma was the same one who OWNED -- as in not even a mortgage -- his home at 18. Grrrrr!
    The rest of us took eight to 25 years before we could buy our first house! Still paying the mortgage on ours. Yeesh!)
    Ariel82 likes this.
    Lynn

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    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by marvelchick View Post
    Hi all, some Godly advice needed from fellow Christians. Our son (20) has moved back home after living out of home for a year and a bit. His father and I have raised all our children in a Christian home but at present our two eldest children (our sons) have walked away. Our son just this week has a new girlfriend and we have told him that we don't want her staying overnight at our place, we have the same rule with all our other kids too. He has sneaked her in the last three nights. The first morning we spoke to him about it, the second morning to both of them and this morning I was so angry I left it to dad to talk to him. He can't understand why he is not allowed to have her stay, and we can't understand why he can't respect our values, he knows we are Christians but doesn't even seem to care about our conditions.
    So, it's two days later. What did happen to your son? Is he no longer sneaking her in or looking for his new place?
    Angela53510 likes this.
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Wow, that is a tough one for sure and I'm sorry y'all are going through this. My question would be what does your husband say and feel about the situation? A unified front before your son is very important. It's hard trying to parent adult children and I can understand why you'd be so upset. As the others have mentioned, the rules of the home should be respected and if he's not willing to abide by them, then he should also be prepared to accept the consequences y'all deem right. My prayer is this will be resolved and he see how his actions are hurting you and have a change of heart to do what is right.

  10. #50
    marvelchick
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Depleted View Post
    So, it's two days later. What did happen to your son? Is he no longer sneaking her in or looking for his new place?
    So our son has finally got the message that when we said no we meant it. It's not an easy journey with our son as he is on the spectrum (ASD) and how he relates in the world is not as easy as say his brother or sisters.
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  11. #51
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by angelheart007 View Post
    Wow, that is a tough one for sure and I'm sorry y'all are going through this. My question would be what does your husband say and feel about the situation? A unified front before your son is very important. It's hard trying to parent adult children and I can understand why you'd be so upset. As the others have mentioned, the rules of the home should be respected and if he's not willing to abide by them, then he should also be prepared to accept the consequences y'all deem right. My prayer is this will be resolved and he see how his actions are hurting you and have a change of heart to do what is right.
    My husband and I are completely united in this. It's not an easy road for parents to walk when their adult kids reject God, it's heartbreaking, but we refuse to give up on our boys. We also dont enable them as suggested by others. There's a lot about him that I dont feel the need to share but for now the safest place for him to be is at home and sometimes that makes life difficult but for now that how it has to be. Getting him to understand things from someone elses perspective takes time but he gets there eventually.

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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by marvelchick View Post
    So our son has finally got the message that when we said no we meant it. It's not an easy journey with our son as he is on the spectrum (ASD) and how he relates in the world is not as easy as say his brother or sisters.
    Asperger's? (I know they don't use that word anymore, but it explains something important enough that I think it was PCism that stopped the use, rather than scientific reasons.)
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

  13. #53
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Depleted View Post
    Asperger's? (I know they don't use that word anymore, but it explains something important enough that I think it was PCism that stopped the use, rather than scientific reasons.)
    Yes, he is an Aspie

  14. #54
    Senior Member Ugly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by renewed_hope View Post
    I never said it as fact, if you reread what was written I merely said there is a whole other side of the story and his dad needs to sit down with their son and figure it out.

    As far as the maturity thing goes, for men it takes much longer for them to grow up. I refuse to date anyone in their twenties because in my experience men that age are not mature enough and don't have their lives put together yet. But truthfully if a guy has any interest in a girl they would do ALMOST anything to make them happy....change their look, wardrobe, career, become best friends with her boring dad, and goes with her girlfriends for a girls night out all without her asking him to....that is to impress her. Now, if she asked something of him that becomes something of a big deal.
    Nothing you said changes anything i said. It is the sons responsibility to speak up if there is a bigger issue at hand. Period. The end. No argument to have. But he hasn't. So it rests on his shoulders alone to be the one disregarding his parents wishes and sneaking behind their back. It's just that simple. It's not the dads responsibility, it's the sons. If the son has something to say he needs to speak up, if not then it's his problem.
    And thank you, as a woman, for explaining men to me. As a 41 year old male i have no idea how men function.
    Willie-T likes this.
    Give me a new voice
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  15. #55
    Senior Member Willie-T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    I'm having a very difficult time believing we aren't being played. And I think it is kind of a sick joke.

    In case anyone here has forgotten the exact wording the OP used, about how they "couldn't understand why this kid was having a hard time understanding"..... go back to the very first post of this thread, and re-read it. The words SHOULD surprise you.

    No parent of a child with personality associative problems would ever make such a statement as she did there about not understanding why he could possibly have any problem understanding.

    And, then, this poor kid who she says has to be protected at home, has already been gone and been living on his own for more than a year? I'm sure the planned excuse is going to be that he was living in a group home, or something.... however, until she met a little resistance to her story, all those rather pertinent facts were completely overlooked. A person with a 20 year-old child with problems doesn't, all of a sudden, become embarrassed about talking quite openly about it.

    Yeah, I'll get the usual crap about being insensitive.... but, I'm also not totally gullible.
    __________________________________________________ ________________________________________
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  16. #56
    Senior Member slave's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    You must nurture your children in the discipline and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4).

    The discipline of the Lord is telling a person how they should behave themself. You must consider your children as Christians, not Gentiles. The Lord’s discipline tells a person how he should behave as a Christian. The Lord intends that all of our children become Christians. You should plan on all of them becoming not just Christians, but good Christians. So, there inlays your hope - right? Yet, you are bothered by his disrespecting your values. What happened to your hope?You should tell him what a proper Christian is by teaching him the discipline of the Lord.

    The biggest thing about a child is his aspirations. Every child has an aspiration when he is young (or even mid-young).Parents must help their children to have proper aspirations. If you love the world, your children will probably want to be the president, a millionaire, or a great academic. How you live affectsthe aspirations of your child. Parents must learn to channel the ambitions of their children in theproper direction. They should aspire to be a lover of the Lord themselves. They should not aspire to love theworld. You have to be an example to them, and you have to tell them your ambitions. Now, in part, you have done this, but....you must also be as patient as God was with you - remember that?

    Children have another problem: They are not only ambitious and aspiring but also proud ofthemselves. They may boast about their own cleverness, skill, or eloquence. He may think that heis a very special person. You, as a Parent, should not discourage him, but neither should you cultivate his pride.patience isn't compromise, its patience... So, "be anxious about nothing..." - yourself, and surrender your son to the Lord.

    Then let go of the pangs of your rules; even while even while maintaining your rules objectively. Always use discipline that fits the crime, and always be respectful and gentle, never threaten, only follow thru with that which God has deemed reasonable.. In other words love him more not less while discussing and discovering God's truths with him in life; this takes time, so undo the time limit to loving. Discipline while you nurture; discipline for the sake of nurturing. If he isn't getting nurtured you are failing God's wishes;discipline not withstanding. We do not want our children tobecome disheartened, but neither do we want them to be proud or to think that they aresomebody that is set aside from God's wisdom and judgements.

    A Christian needs to know how to appreciate others. It is easy to be victorious, but it is hard toaccept defeat. Your rules aren't God, only God is God. And although I don't disagree with your rules, you need to see the need here - the end-game as it were. It isn't his stupidity, that's the issue its his lack of vision for himself. Your rules are failing at this point right? Then let God move you to loving him in a flexible way. You can still place rules but be less demanding, or subjective, be simply objective. He needs to accept that there is value in his own life for being respectful to God, so show him why God's Word is his BEST choice for himself, and let him fail if he so chooses, but be there to help him alongside every step in godly encouragement.

    If you discuss and discover with him Gods love over your points God has given you, by being vulnerable you invite him into sharing his insights with you instead of hiding himself from you. In time God will teach him to have a humble character, as you demonstrate it to him planting seed.. Power always comes from piggy-backing the Lord in meeting peoples needs. Your son will love you for your undying love over your rightness every time; and God will have your back supernaturally!
    Last edited by slave; May 3rd, 2017 at 04:17 PM.
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  17. #57
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Willie-T View Post
    I'm having a very difficult time believing we aren't being played. And I think it is kind of a sick joke.

    In case anyone here has forgotten the exact wording the OP used, about how they "couldn't understand why this kid was having a hard time understanding"..... go back to the very first post of this thread, and re-read it. The words SHOULD surprise you.

    No parent of a child with personality associative problems would ever make such a statement as she did there about not understanding why he could possibly have any problem understanding.

    And, then, this poor kid who she says has to be protected at home, has already been gone and been living on his own for more than a year? I'm sure the planned excuse is going to be that he was living in a group home, or something.... however, until she met a little resistance to her story, all those rather pertinent facts were completely overlooked. A person with a 20 year-old child with problems doesn't, all of a sudden, become embarrassed about talking quite openly about it.

    Yeah, I'll get the usual crap about being insensitive.... but, I'm also not totally gullible.
    He was living with his older brother.

  18. #58
    marvelchick
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Willie-T View Post
    I'm having a very difficult time believing we aren't being played. And I think it is kind of a sick joke.

    In case anyone here has forgotten the exact wording the OP used, about how they "couldn't understand why this kid was having a hard time understanding"..... go back to the very first post of this thread, and re-read it. The words SHOULD surprise you.

    No parent of a child with personality associative problems would ever make such a statement as she did there about not understanding why he could possibly have any problem understanding.

    And, then, this poor kid who she says has to be protected at home, has already been gone and been living on his own for more than a year? I'm sure the planned excuse is going to be that he was living in a group home, or something.... however, until she met a little resistance to her story, all those rather pertinent facts were completely overlooked. A person with a 20 year-old child with problems doesn't, all of a sudden, become embarrassed about talking quite openly about it.

    Yeah, I'll get the usual crap about being insensitive.... but, I'm also not totally gullible.
    You know what, I joined this group because I was feeling dispondant about our son and the struggles we have with him, but you can pat yourself on the back for being a right judgmental dick. I dont say everything in the first post because Im new and I dont want people to judge my son, I dont do wind ups, and I dont tell stories. My husband and I are deeply committed christians and yes even deepky committed christians have struggles with unbelieving children and sometimes need encouragement. So I will leave now, not because you think you have found me out, but because I was wrong about this particular christian chat group.

  19. #59
    Senior Member hornetguy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    It seems to me that you have received quite a few supportive and sympathetic responses to your OP...

    If, having had one "insensitive" post, you're ready to bail on the whole forum, it either shows that Willie touched a nerve, or, you are being way too touchy.

    Hopefully it's the second of the two, because you can learn to develop thicker skin... you should hang around and address Willie's concerns. Your response reminds me a little of people that attend a church for years, and at the first sign of something they disagree with, they bail out and go looking for another church group....

    You won't find ANY forum, or church, where you will find 100% support and agreement with you. That's just life....

    You should stick around a while, and get to know folks.... unless Willie was correct...

    just sayin.....
    No man is really saved unless he is in his heart obedient to Christ. C.H. Spurgeon

  20. #60
    marvelchick
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Oh classic, so because I dont want to have to explain myself to soneone who thinks Im makibg stuff up I'm one of those christians who leaves churches over a disagreement. You guys are pulling out all the assumptions here. Good one.

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