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Thread: Son who doesn't respect our values.

  1. #1
    marvelchick
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    Default Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Hi all, some Godly advice needed from fellow Christians. Our son (20) has moved back home after living out of home for a year and a bit. His father and I have raised all our children in a Christian home but at present our two eldest children (our sons) have walked away. Our son just this week has a new girlfriend and we have told him that we don't want her staying overnight at our place, we have the same rule with all our other kids too. He has sneaked her in the last three nights. The first morning we spoke to him about it, the second morning to both of them and this morning I was so angry I left it to dad to talk to him. He can't understand why he is not allowed to have her stay, and we can't understand why he can't respect our values, he knows we are Christians but doesn't even seem to care about our conditions.

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    Senior Member Demi777's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Well I would most likely kick him out.
    Plus.. do you really think u can stop him from having his girlfrend around. Plus he doesnt need nighttime to go out with her and do stuff. come on now
    He loves her and comitted himself to her. Treating her like shes not a part of the family is not much of a solution either.

    I dont see it as being about values. For me this is a mess on both sides.
    He wont listen to your laws and you dont really seem to try to take his point either.

    So for me it seems like you only have 2 options
    make a compromise or kick him out. You wont change him by punishing him
    just my view tho
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  3. #3
    marvelchick
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    He's known her for a week so not exactly a committed relationship.

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    Senior Member Roughsoul1991's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by marvelchick View Post
    He's known her for a week so not exactly a committed relationship.
    Your situation is never the ideal situations that Christian parents hope to see in their children. You are within all rights to set the rules in your house. And these rules should stand our else your child will think he can walk on over every rule.

    Now at age 20 he is no longer a child and will be held accountable to his choices. Its not your fault for trying to raise him up good, but at many points in everyones life we choose and make decisions. Obviously we make a lot of dumb ones in our youth that can shape or mold our future. We only can pray these choices only mold his mind into realizing bad choices only have bad consequences compared to molding his life to his bad choices.

    He is an adult now and as much as it hurts he must be treated as one. I know he is still your baby. But if he cant handle the rules in your house how can he handle rules in adulthood.

    If he dont respect your rules then he doesn't respect you. Telling him if he doesn't respect you, he will have to go. But obviously yall let him know how much yall love him and will always help him but if he cant respect you then its time to go.

    Sometimes the real world will help kids grow up. Stupid choices has made many people grow up.

    So really your best way to fight this is with lots of prayer, love, patience, kindness, and good helping of discipline on yourself to stay strong on enforcing your rules.
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    Senior Member santuzza's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    You've talked with him/them several times. It's your house. It's your rules. He breaks them, he's out. Period. He moved into your house knowing the rules, right?

    I know it sounds harsh, but if he's going to break his own parents' rules, what other rules is he going to break? He apparently needs to be taught that rules are rules. It's NOT a punishment to kick him out -- it's a consequence to his own actions.

    I would give him one more chance. And I would modify the rule to say "No fornication in the house" because, as someone noted above, they don't need to "do it" at night.

    I wouldn't tolerate the fornication, either -- just as I would not tolerate drunkenness, stealing, slothfulness, etc.
    "Evil is powerless when the good are unafraid." - Ronald Reagan

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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by marvelchick View Post
    Hi all, some Godly advice needed from fellow Christians. Our son (20) has moved back home after living out of home for a year and a bit. His father and I have raised all our children in a Christian home but at present our two eldest children (our sons) have walked away. Our son just this week has a new girlfriend and we have told him that we don't want her staying overnight at our place, we have the same rule with all our other kids too. He has sneaked her in the last three nights. The first morning we spoke to him about it, the second morning to both of them and this morning I was so angry I left it to dad to talk to him. He can't understand why he is not allowed to have her stay, and we can't understand why he can't respect our values, he knows we are Christians but doesn't even seem to care about our conditions.
    I would say it's time for you to ask him to leave.

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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by marvelchick View Post
    Hi all, some Godly advice needed from fellow Christians. Our son (20) has moved back home after living out of home for a year and a bit. His father and I have raised all our children in a Christian home but at present our two eldest children (our sons) have walked away. Our son just this week has a new girlfriend and we have told him that we don't want her staying overnight at our place, we have the same rule with all our other kids too. He has sneaked her in the last three nights. The first morning we spoke to him about it, the second morning to both of them and this morning I was so angry I left it to dad to talk to him. He can't understand why he is not allowed to have her stay, and we can't understand why he can't respect our values, he knows we are Christians but doesn't even seem to care about our conditions.
    Quote Originally Posted by resurrection33 View Post
    I would say it's time for you to ask him to leave.
    Give your son a choice - live by your rules or live somewhere else.

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    Senior Member notuptome's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    There are some chapters in your child's life that only God can write. He was raised in a Christian home but did he make a personal declaration of faith in Christ? What kind of witness is he being to the girl with whom he is fornicating? Is he at all concerned with her soul and eternal life?

    Pr 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by marvelchick View Post
    Hi all, some Godly advice needed from fellow Christians. Our son (20) has moved back home after living out of home for a year and a bit. His father and I have raised all our children in a Christian home but at present our two eldest children (our sons) have walked away. Our son just this week has a new girlfriend and we have told him that we don't want her staying overnight at our place, we have the same rule with all our other kids too. He has sneaked her in the last three nights. The first morning we spoke to him about it, the second morning to both of them and this morning I was so angry I left it to dad to talk to him. He can't understand why he is not allowed to have her stay, and we can't understand why he can't respect our values, he knows we are Christians but doesn't even seem to care about our conditions.
    Sometimes you have to make an ultimatum... Either respect our rules in our home or leave our home...

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    Senior Member Willie-T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by marvelchick View Post
    Hi all, some Godly advice needed from fellow Christians. Our son (20) has moved back home after living out of home for a year and a bit. His father and I have raised all our children in a Christian home but at present our two eldest children (our sons) have walked away. Our son just this week has a new girlfriend and we have told him that we don't want her staying overnight at our place, we have the same rule with all our other kids too. He has sneaked her in the last three nights. The first morning we spoke to him about it, the second morning to both of them and this morning I was so angry I left it to dad to talk to him. He can't understand why he is not allowed to have her stay, and we can't understand why he can't respect our values, he knows we are Christians but doesn't even seem to care about our conditions.
    Seems like you may not truly believe in your own claimed values. How can you expect him to?
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    Senior Member preacher4truth's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Simple, have him pack up and leave, put some proof behind your values, and stop waiting for him to agree with them.
    People are offended that God is God.

    Oh, my brethren! bold-hearted men are always called mean-spirited by cowards. - Charles Spurgeon

    Open Theism and Molinism, two inept theological camps, do err in this sense; God doesn't have an R&D department, He does all things perfectly.

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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by marvelchick View Post
    Hi all, some Godly advice needed from fellow Christians. Our son (20) has moved back home after living out of home for a year and a bit. His father and I have raised all our children in a Christian home but at present our two eldest children (our sons) have walked away. Our son just this week has a new girlfriend and we have told him that we don't want her staying overnight at our place, we have the same rule with all our other kids too. He has sneaked her in the last three nights. The first morning we spoke to him about it, the second morning to both of them and this morning I was so angry I left it to dad to talk to him. He can't understand why he is not allowed to have her stay, and we can't understand why he can't respect our values, he knows we are Christians but doesn't even seem to care about our conditions.
    Where is Dad/your husband on this issue?

    I've come to the conclusion there is no understanding Why. I don't even know why my husband likes coffee. Why doesn't matter. What you do about it does.
    Demi777, kaylagrl and Willie-T like this.
    Lynn

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    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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    Senior Member Tinuviel's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    I'm so sorry for you! This sounds like a very difficult situation for you all, and I will definitely pray for wisdom for you.

    You'll never "make" him agree with your values. If he doesn't conform to them, you have two options: kick him out or...kick him out. I don't see any way around this one. Especially if you have younger children in the house still? what are you teaching them by endorsing this? And believe me, by letting him stay on, you ARE endorsing it. You need to honestly tell your son, "this is what we believe, this is why we believe it. We love you and want to see you doing God's will. You will not do ____(whatever your rules happen to be) in our house, but you're a man and you can make your own decisions. So, you can stay here and conform to our rules, or you can go."

    And the huge thing is to make sure he's seeing these values lived out. If it's just a set of rules, your children will be the first to know. We have to live what we believe (and live it like we REALLY believe it!) before we'll get anyone else to live it.

    Another point I can think of is to make the gf feel welcomed in your family. Plan a family dinner and invite her. I suppose double dates with parents aren't "cool"? (this always sounded ideal to me but what ever), reach out to her in ways that involve other people and aren't just the two of them, but don't look like you're purposely trying to drive them apart.

    I hope God leads you to a solution here, and comforts your hearts. God bless you!
    “If sinners be damned, at least let them leap to Hell over our dead bodies. And if they perish, let them perish with our arms wrapped about their knees, imploring them to stay. If Hell must be filled, let it be filled in the teeth of our exertions, and let not one go unwarned and unprayed for.”
    ~Charles Spurgeon

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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by Demi777 View Post
    Well I would most likely kick him out.
    Plus.. do you really think u can stop him from having his girlfrend around. Plus he doesnt need nighttime to go out with her and do stuff. come on now
    He loves her and comitted himself to her. Treating her like shes not a part of the family is not much of a solution either.

    I dont see it as being about values. For me this is a mess on both sides.
    He wont listen to your laws and you dont really seem to try to take his point either.

    So for me it seems like you only have 2 options
    make a compromise or kick him out. You wont change him by punishing him
    just my view tho
    You don't do the horizontal bop with someone in the first week of a relationship out of love. Come on now! That's under "Why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free?"
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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    Senior Member JosephsDreams's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Give it some time. Don't be so quick to throw him out. You may eventually have to, but I would at least give it 9 months. Unless of course he does something dramatically stupid or rebellious.
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    Senior Member Willie-T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by JosephsDreams View Post
    Give it some time. Don't be so quick to throw him out. You may eventually have to, but I would at least give it 9 months. Unless of course he does something dramatically stupid or rebellious.
    I just about fell off my chair, laughing at the specific timeframe you presented. LOL
    __________________________________________________ ________________________________________
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    Senior Member JosephsDreams's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    I had no doubt you would catch that.
    Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
    John 8:32

    And now these three remain; faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
    1 Cor. 13:13


    Give ​peas a chance !



  18. #18
    Senior Member kaylagrl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by JosephsDreams View Post
    I had no doubt you would catch that.
    Ha!Between Willies post and yours I caught it. Just waking up,still sleepy
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    Senior Member kaylagrl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by marvelchick View Post
    He's known her for a week so not exactly a committed relationship.
    I didn't see you say why he moved back home... If you feel that strongly about it,sit them both down,tell them why and ask them one last time to honor your request.If it is not honored its time for him to leave and the locks on the doors to be changed. He's an adult and he's doing what he wishes,which is up to him,but you're also an adult with wishes who likely pays most or all of the bills. There is no winning in this situation.You cant parent a grown adult and the more you try the more he'll act like a kid and rebel.If he's old enough to make adult choices he's old enough to live on his own.
    Demi777 and OwzK like this.

  20. #20
    Senior Member Tinuviel's Avatar
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    Default Re: Son who doesn't respect our values.

    Quote Originally Posted by JosephsDreams View Post
    I had no doubt you would catch that.
    So it WAS on purpose? Good. I'm glad not everyone pulls random numbers out of a hat without thinking what they might imply. lol
    “If sinners be damned, at least let them leap to Hell over our dead bodies. And if they perish, let them perish with our arms wrapped about their knees, imploring them to stay. If Hell must be filled, let it be filled in the teeth of our exertions, and let not one go unwarned and unprayed for.”
    ~Charles Spurgeon

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