Loneliness and Rejection from Fellow Churchgoers

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O

oopsies

Guest
#1
Hello,

Wanted to ask people for some insight. Not a topic I really want to talk about but since you know, anonymity online and all, I guess I felt a little more comfortable to bring it up.

I just don't know what's wrong... if it's something to do with me or it's just something that's normal. I try to reach out to people in church - inviting them over for events, dinner, meetups, etc. I just want to hang and I figured others do too. And it always seems that way - everyone usually says yea, great idea, let's do it! But by the time the actual day rolls around, pretty much everyone has cancelled or requested a different day. Meanwhile, they themselves (especially the couples) meet up, develop relationships, etc. I just feel so left out of the community. Is it because I'm single and a spare tire or something? I've tried advance notice, 1 week, 2 weeks... and I've tried short notice, 1 or 2 days. Nothing seems to work and I'm pretty much ready to give up. It's like no one really wants to develop a deeper relationship with me. (As an aside, my non-Christian friends are able to keep to promises and appointments... this is only a church-"friends" phenomenon for me.)

Do other people experience something similar?
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
113
69
Tennessee
#2
A lot can happen in 1 or 2 weeks or even 1 or 2 days that could cause one to cancel plans. Try inviting someone to do something in the next 1 or 2 minutes. If they decline they probably wouldn't be interested in something more involved to take place 1 or 2 weeks in the future even if they say otherwise.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#3
Yeah, really. I don't know what happens then, but for some reason married folks end up hanging out with other married folks. It's common enough that many churches have single groups for just that reason, so they can hang out with others.

But the way we ended up hanging out with people at church was brunch right after church. (This does NOT work during football season if the local team is the early game.) It quickly developed into a custom of the ones who did it before searching out each other or adding someone to the group each week after service. We were married. The first people we asked were married. But, within a month it didn't matter if you were married or singled. It just mattered if you were hungry. (And by 11 AM you ARE hungry. lol) Better yet, introduce us to a new place to eat, because there were usually mixed reviews on the last place. (It just dawned on me. We never did find THE place, but then again we were in a city, so there were always new places to try.)

So get people where they are, not where they will be on 1-2 days or 1-2 weeks. Hungry is something common after church. Start there.
 

RickyZ

Senior Member
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
787
113
#4
Hello,

Wanted to ask people for some insight. Not a topic I really want to talk about but since you know, anonymity online and all, I guess I felt a little more comfortable to bring it up.

I just don't know what's wrong... if it's something to do with me or it's just something that's normal. I try to reach out to people in church - inviting them over for events, dinner, meetups, etc. I just want to hang and I figured others do too. And it always seems that way - everyone usually says yea, great idea, let's do it! But by the time the actual day rolls around, pretty much everyone has cancelled or requested a different day. Meanwhile, they themselves (especially the couples) meet up, develop relationships, etc. I just feel so left out of the community. Is it because I'm single and a spare tire or something? I've tried advance notice, 1 week, 2 weeks... and I've tried short notice, 1 or 2 days. Nothing seems to work and I'm pretty much ready to give up. It's like no one really wants to develop a deeper relationship with me. (As an aside, my non-Christian friends are able to keep to promises and appointments... this is only a church-"friends" phenomenon for me.)

Do other people experience something similar?
Pretty much the story of my life. I invite people, they say it 'sounds like a good idea' but never show up. Then I meet them in the hallways at another time and they tell me 'well we just went and did such and such, don't know why we didn't think to invite you".

I call it Casper the Friendly Ghost Syndrome.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
113
69
Tennessee
#5
Pretty much the story of my life. I invite people, they say it 'sounds like a good idea' but never show up. Then I meet them in the hallways at another time and they tell me 'well we just went and did such and such, don't know why we didn't think to invite you".

I call it Casper the Friendly Ghost Syndrome.
I remember watchin Casper the Friendly Ghost when I was a lad.
 
J

joefizz

Guest
#6
well many church goers probably say they will go to what you have planned just so you won't feel disappointed and you just have to find who really wants to come around you because if you invite everyone at a church then the chances of them coming are pretty slim but if you invite a few and they really seem interested then they will let you know when they will be there,invitation is not all about planning but rather finding out who has time in the first place and are interested in spending time with you before you plan a get together because one of the reasons many church goers probably don't come to your get togethers is because they are busy with witnessing to people,going to work,or helping non profit organizations,and won't always be able to come to a get together because they first need to know when and where it will take place as well as how long you would expect them to be there for,because many have engagements that they have promised they would help with,like volunteer work or cleaning up the church etc and simply can't come to a get together just think it true,try your best to be clear about the details,and of course friendly because many may not come because they may feel pressured,just keep working at it you will be fine and as always if you feel discouraged turn to God or the bible for answers for you never know there may be something you simply overlooked about your presentation in inviting people.
 
O

oopsies

Guest
#7
Yeah, really. I don't know what happens then, but for some reason married folks end up hanging out with other married folks. It's common enough that many churches have single groups for just that reason, so they can hang out with others.

But the way we ended up hanging out with people at church was brunch right after church. (This does NOT work during football season if the local team is the early game.) It quickly developed into a custom of the ones who did it before searching out each other or adding someone to the group each week after service. We were married. The first people we asked were married. But, within a month it didn't matter if you were married or singled. It just mattered if you were hungry. (And by 11 AM you ARE hungry. lol) Better yet, introduce us to a new place to eat, because there were usually mixed reviews on the last place. (It just dawned on me. We never did find THE place, but then again we were in a city, so there were always new places to try.)

So get people where they are, not where they will be on 1-2 days or 1-2 weeks. Hungry is something common after church. Start there.
=/ We don't have this because the church I attend brings food after the service. So everyone just sorta stays in the building for an hour or so. The church I attend has a big emphasis on believers building each other up through meeting with each other outside the church. But apparently, that only seems to apply to those who are couples or families with kids. At first, I thought ok, maybe it shouldn't be me wanting something out of this. Maybe this is an opportunity for me to serve. So I tried. But new couples show up at the church and somehow, they get along just fine. In fact, they build closer relationships with each other in a couple months than I have in a year of trying. I'm at the point of just giving up. Honestly, what is the point of attending church? If going to church is just about getting the sermon, I can do that at pretty much any church - online, even! Don't even need to show up at the church!

Pretty much the story of my life. I invite people, they say it 'sounds like a good idea' but never show up. Then I meet them in the hallways at another time and they tell me 'well we just went and did such and such, don't know why we didn't think to invite you".

I call it Casper the Friendly Ghost Syndrome.
This is exactly how I feel! I mean, I'm so low on the relationship-making totem pole. I just wish people would say, "thanks, but I'll pass". At least I won't have an expectation that it'll happen. :(
 
O

oopsies

Guest
#8
well many church goers probably say they will go to what you have planned just so you won't feel disappointed and you just have to find who really wants to come around you because if you invite everyone at a church then the chances of them coming are pretty slim but if you invite a few and they really seem interested then they will let you know when they will be there,invitation is not all about planning but rather finding out who has time in the first place and are interested in spending time with you before you plan a get together because one of the reasons many church goers probably don't come to your get togethers is because they are busy with witnessing to people,going to work,or helping non profit organizations,and won't always be able to come to a get together because they first need to know when and where it will take place as well as how long you would expect them to be there for,because many have engagements that they have promised they would help with,like volunteer work or cleaning up the church etc and simply can't come to a get together just think it true,try your best to be clear about the details,and of course friendly because many may not come because they may feel pressured,just keep working at it you will be fine and as always if you feel discouraged turn to God or the bible for answers for you never know there may be something you simply overlooked about your presentation in inviting people.
Isn't honesty and transparency a biblical virtue? If this is what Christians do then my non-Christian friends who don't know the Law are better at keeping it than those who know the Law by grace!
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#9
Hello,

Wanted to ask people for some insight. Not a topic I really want to talk about but since you know, anonymity online and all, I guess I felt a little more comfortable to bring it up.

I just don't know what's wrong... if it's something to do with me or it's just something that's normal. I try to reach out to people in church - inviting them over for events, dinner, meetups, etc. I just want to hang and I figured others do too. And it always seems that way - everyone usually says yea, great idea, let's do it! But by the time the actual day rolls around, pretty much everyone has cancelled or requested a different day. Meanwhile, they themselves (especially the couples) meet up, develop relationships, etc. I just feel so left out of the community. Is it because I'm single and a spare tire or something? I've tried advance notice, 1 week, 2 weeks... and I've tried short notice, 1 or 2 days. Nothing seems to work and I'm pretty much ready to give up. It's like no one really wants to develop a deeper relationship with me. (As an aside, my non-Christian friends are able to keep to promises and appointments... this is only a church-"friends" phenomenon for me.)

Do other people experience something similar?
Many Christians go through this. And being single makes it worse. We've had a number of similar posts recently.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#10
=/ We don't have this because the church I attend brings food after the service. So everyone just sorta stays in the building for an hour or so. The church I attend has a big emphasis on believers building each other up through meeting with each other outside the church. But apparently, that only seems to apply to those who are couples or families with kids. At first, I thought ok, maybe it shouldn't be me wanting something out of this. Maybe this is an opportunity for me to serve. So I tried. But new couples show up at the church and somehow, they get along just fine. In fact, they build closer relationships with each other in a couple months than I have in a year of trying. I'm at the point of just giving up. Honestly, what is the point of attending church? If going to church is just about getting the sermon, I can do that at pretty much any church - online, even! Don't even need to show up at the church!



This is exactly how I feel! I mean, I'm so low on the relationship-making totem pole. I just wish people would say, "thanks, but I'll pass". At least I won't have an expectation that it'll happen. :(
Ask if you can start a singles group. It seems to be your calling in a church that emphasizes togetherness. And, if you're the only single? Look for a new church!
 
O

oopsies

Guest
#11
Ask if you can start a singles group. It seems to be your calling in a church that emphasizes togetherness. And, if you're the only single? Look for a new church!
I feel guilty looking for a new church :S Ugly might have something to say about that haha
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#12
I feel guilty looking for a new church :S Ugly might have something to say about that haha
Yep, if your current church isn't meeting your needs then what guilt is there in leaving? What if it's what God is calling you to do? Seems the emphasis should be on expanding your spiritual growth, not feeling you owe a group of people your commitment. Or if this church still works for you in all other areas why not speak with the pastor and let him know that you feel left out? Tell these ladies you don't want them to pray for a man for you and then tell them what you really want prayer for. Speak up.

Guilt is a tool of satan. Conviction is a tool of the Holy Spirit.

Don't get me wrong, i understand the difficulty. But sometimes we just need someone to state things for what they are, not how we perceive them. Those are often two different things. It's like a friend dating a real jerk, but insists she loves him and says he isn't that bad. When you gather his behavior and point it out she suddenly sees what she didn't before, even though it was obvious.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
2,938
113
#13
I think it is even hard for married couples without children (either childless or empty nesters) to make friends. I have been too sick the last two years to invite people over, but we finally did have a neighbour who goes to our church over at Easter. So, we have never had someone not show up, but maybe that is our fault? Plus, even when I was sick, we always had our son and his wife, and our two grandchildren over, even it it meant ordering out for pizza. Of course, you know family well, and how they will accept you. But do people want to come and visit you for ordered out food? LOL

We have also been to a few parties because we were members of the building committee, and the worship team. It was nice, but perhaps my fault again, for not inviting anyone over in turn? Maybe we just need to get to know people as individuals?

You didn't say how you are serving in your church. Maybe that would be a better way to meet people and get to know them? Certainly, we know a lot of people, and I think I could phone half the church if I needed prayer, or help, or many things. I choose not to do that. When I was bed ridden, back when we first moved here was probably the time to ask for help, but now I am improving. I don't want to use people either. I would rather get to know them when I am giving, not receiving. Which isn't a good attitude, but, something God will have to work on me concerning!
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#14
Hello,

Wanted to ask people for some insight. Not a topic I really want to talk about but since you know, anonymity online and all, I guess I felt a little more comfortable to bring it up.

I just don't know what's wrong... if it's something to do with me or it's just something that's normal. I try to reach out to people in church - inviting them over for events, dinner, meetups, etc. I just want to hang and I figured others do too. And it always seems that way - everyone usually says yea, great idea, let's do it! But by the time the actual day rolls around, pretty much everyone has cancelled or requested a different day. Meanwhile, they themselves (especially the couples) meet up, develop relationships, etc. I just feel so left out of the community. Is it because I'm single and a spare tire or something? I've tried advance notice, 1 week, 2 weeks... and I've tried short notice, 1 or 2 days. Nothing seems to work and I'm pretty much ready to give up. It's like no one really wants to develop a deeper relationship with me. (As an aside, my non-Christian friends are able to keep to promises and appointments... this is only a church-"friends" phenomenon for me.)

Do other people experience something similar?
Have you tried small groups? My church does Christ care groups and other Methodist church's have covenant discipleship groups that help build the sense of community and you are dedicated to,meet and fellowship weekly.

I have found its hard to meet up with people because of work etc.

I don't know, will pray with you about it,
 

santuzza

Senior Member
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#15
I agree that small groups is the best way to grow relationships within the church. Not only will you build good relationships, but an added bonus is the excellent Bible study time! (yes, I know, it's supposed to be the other way around, and it is, but since this thread is about building friendships...)

Get into a small group! It will change your life!
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
9,261
2,386
113
#16
I think this is a systemic cultural problem.
We aren't a culture that places such a high value on relationships.

I think it's just one of many things wrong with our culture.

Also, even within the churches, many churches teach the people that God is here to serve THEM, and it gives people a very self centered view of the universe.


We've had some good solutions mentioned in the thread.
- Try to join a small group, if your church has them.
- Try to get involved in church ministry, to build relationships.
- Try looking for another church if the one you're at isn't friendly, or isn't making you feel welcome.
* BIBLE PRINCIPLE: Pray... and keep praying... for whatever you need.
* BIBLE PRINCIPLE: Be friendly to others if you want to make friends.
* PERSONAL THOUGHT: Stop reaching out to couples if that isn't working, and try reaching out to single people, like yourself.
 
Last edited:
O

oopsies

Guest
#17
Ok, I will try it again - one last effort to rule out the possibility that it will work. But I will also look around for another church at the same time just to get the legwork out of the way.

Thanks everyone for the suggestions. It's a small comfort to know that I'm not the only "afterthought" or "Casper"!
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#19
Ok, I will try it again - one last effort to rule out the possibility that it will work. But I will also look around for another church at the same time just to get the legwork out of the way.

Thanks everyone for the suggestions. It's a small comfort to know that I'm not the only "afterthought" or "Casper"!

I had the "third wheel issue" until I got married. Now we have two :) We dont have church friends outside the church because the folk,while very friendly,are much older than us and are blessed to make it to church each week. I agree with Max,everyone is too busy. And people dont seem to know HOW to be social anymore. They can do it with friends but dont know how to add a new person to their number. You may just have to look for a new church,but really,I find it is a problem most everywhere.
 

OwzK

Banned
Jul 27, 2016
458
7
0
#20
Hello,

Wanted to ask people for some insight. Not a topic I really want to talk about but since you know, anonymity online and all, I guess I felt a little more comfortable to bring it up.

I just don't know what's wrong... if it's something to do with me or it's just something that's normal. I try to reach out to people in church - inviting them over for events, dinner, meetups, etc. I just want to hang and I figured others do too. And it always seems that way - everyone usually says yea, great idea, let's do it! But by the time the actual day rolls around, pretty much everyone has cancelled or requested a different day. Meanwhile, they themselves (especially the couples) meet up, develop relationships, etc. I just feel so left out of the community. Is it because I'm single and a spare tire or something? I've tried advance notice, 1 week, 2 weeks... and I've tried short notice, 1 or 2 days. Nothing seems to work and I'm pretty much ready to give up. It's like no one really wants to develop a deeper relationship with me. (As an aside, my non-Christian friends are able to keep to promises and appointments... this is only a church-"friends" phenomenon for me.)

Do other people experience something similar?
That's society these days for you and just how it is.

Like this for me too when I used to try making friends with people. You know, they might just be busy. I mean everyone has their own life. But maybe, just stop, just be you and do stuff you enjoy alone for a while, maybe in time you'll meet people and make friends in time. It's what happened with me when I just focused on myself :) so maybe you should do that too :) just focus on yourself, do stuff alone that make you happy, any hobbies, interests, etc. and wait until one day, when you will make a new friend :)