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Christian Family Forum

Discuss family topics/issues, and give and receive encouragement here.

Thread: Marriage

  1. #1
    Junior Member PuppyMom23's Avatar
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    Question Marriage

    I'm having a hard time with my marriage. I met my husband ten years ago, 2 months after I lost the love of my life. We went to high school together and started talking and became friends and then we started dating. He had a horrible home life. From the beginning he was a bit standoffish when it came to my family and I guess I just assumed he was shy. He had a part-time job and said that he moved back home to take care of his grandmother who lived with his mom, dad and siblings. His brother came home drunk one night and attacked him. He called me and my dad told me to go get him and his things. My parents gave him a place to stay. Come to find out, he didn't have a driver's license. So my dad taught him to drive and encouraged him to get get it. He tried to teach him how to do things, but he had no interest in it. That following year his sister got married and he asked me. (Technically he said "You wanna? We might as well.") So we did. My parents bought my ring, he didn't. Six months after we got married, I wanted to get an annulment, but for whatever reason I didn't go through with it. Shortly after that, I was able to get my grandmother's house, which is across the street from my parents. We moved in and I focused my attention on the house. Over these past few years, I've been come more and more frustrated. I had to force him (and get him) a job to begin with. He constantly complained about it, but it was money. I worked 40+ hours a week, came home, cleaned and cooked, etc. He worked 20-25 hours a week, slept until noon and played video games most of the day. My mom mowed my yard so I wouldn't have to and if anything broke, my dad helped me fix it. I got him another job where I worked. It was way more money, but working less hours, say 2/day and 4 on Saturday. Instead of just doing the job, he constantly wanted me to come help him after I got off. He helps out more now than he did, but to hear him tell it, his plight is so much more than anyone else's. He nags me constantly about me spending time with my parents or if they call or come over. He finds fault with church members, even the preacher. It was like pulling teeth to finally get him to go to Sunday School. When I've had the stomach bug, I had to ask my parents to go get medicine for me because he couldn't be bothered to go to the store.

    Aside from all that, I honestly feel as though I don't have a marriage or at least that I entered it not knowing or seeing everything as it was. We've never been together as a husband and wife. He's always had his bedroom and I've had mine. He's more or less like a roommate. This is so not what I wanted. I honestly don't know where I was going with this. I guess I just needed to vent. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him because I do feel as though he's a friend, but I feel as though I'm cheating myself. Looking back it's easier to see everything as a whole. I can remember when we did start dating that I would go home and cry. I think I tried to fill a void left by my ex. And honestly, there are days that I wish I had never even met my husband - as horrible as that sounds. I think I care for him as a friend, but I'm not in love with him. I think he feels the same way, but won't admit it. I have prayed and prayed and my feelings haven't changed. Please remember us in your prayers. Thanks.
    tourist likes this.

  2. #2
    Senior Member tourist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marriage

    Maybe its time to put the past behind you while you're still relatively young and move forward with your life without that anchor dragging you down. He obviously has no interest or desire to provide for you by being employed and going to work everyday. This will probably never change. Tell him that you consider him to be a roommate and that you're going to start charging him rent if he wants to stay there. He doesn't seem like much of a friend for you. I have said a prayer for you. You are not alone in this site with this type of situation. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
    Dino246 likes this.
    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Angela53510's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marriage

    Are you saying you have never been intimate with him, or just that you don't sleep in the same bed? If the marriage has never been consummated, you have grounds for an annulment. If it has been, well, then you are going to have to separate and then divorce.

    It sounds like he has never made an effort to be loving. He is obviously lazy, and your whole family has been enabling him. He sounds like a user. I don't really care what his family life was like, he has to take responsibility for his own actions, which he has not.

    I usually try to be encouraging, when it comes to saving marriages, but if even half of what you say is true, it is time to cut your losses and get out of this. I would like to hear his side of the story, but I bet it would be a feeble attempt to manipulate. You need to go for counseling, and figure out what you are going to do. I doubt this is a marriage worth saving. Is he even a Christian? Are you even a Christian?

    And yes, it sounds like you rebounded with the first man that looked at you. I don't hold out much hope, but I would ask you get some counseling, and if possible, with both of you. Because we cannot be objective without hearing his side the problems in your marriage.
    blue_ladybug and Dino246 like this.
    "And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2 Cor. 12:9 NASB

  4. #4
    Junior Member PuppyMom23's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marriage

    No, we have never been intimate. He claims to be a Christian, but he reminds me more of Nabal from the Bible. I'm a Christian, very much so.

    For the record, he wasn't the first man that looked at me. He was just the first that I extensively dated. We went to HS together and were friends, hung out before we ever started to date.

    I appreciate your honesty and candid response. For the record, if he were to talk about our relationship, he would complain about my parents. We went through this before and that's what he kept bringing up - that I spent too much time with them and did too much for them. They are 68 and 75 and I'm an only child, btw. He didn't have much else to say other than that.
    Angela53510 likes this.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Marriage

    Doesn't it strike HIM as weird to have an unconsummated marriage for over 10 years? Does he talk to you about that?

    Have you guys talked to your pastor together?
    Angela53510 likes this.

  6. #6
    Junior Member PuppyMom23's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marriage

    We've only been married 5 years. No, not really. When I would try to initiate when we first were married, he pushed me away. And, no, he wouldn't talk to anyone about it.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Tommy379's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marriage

    This makes no sense.
    Taro likes this.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Tinuviel's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by PuppyMom23 View Post
    We've only been married 5 years. No, not really. When I would try to initiate when we first were married, he pushed me away. And, no, he wouldn't talk to anyone about it.
    From what we see in Scripture, I believe it would be safe to say that God's definition of marriage is a consummated relationship...if that hasn't happened in your relationship with your husband, there should be no reason why you cannot dissolve the "marriage" if you choose.
    Angela53510 likes this.
    Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.
    ~James 1:17

  9. #9
    Senior Member Magenta's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marriage

    You have allowed him to shamelessly use you for years. That does not make him your friend.
    blue_ladybug, Dino246 and Reg53 like this.


    Embrace the Grace and Rejoice in His Everlasting Mercy and Love

  10. #10
    Senior Member Dino246's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marriage

    Having been divorced recently myself, I normally wouldn't encourage someone to end a marriage. However, from what you've shared, what you have is not a marriage. So...

    Cut him loose. Borrow a few friends and move him out. File for annulment (not divorce). I can't say this strongly enough: DO NOT consummate the marriage. Cut ties with him completely and get on with your life. Get a lawyer and lay out your financial situation so that you don't have to pay him support (which could happen).
    Angela53510, Tinuviel and Taro like this.

  11. #11
    Senior Member tourist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by Dino246 View Post
    Having been divorced recently myself, I normally wouldn't encourage someone to end a marriage. However, from what you've shared, what you have is not a marriage. So...

    Cut him loose. Borrow a few friends and move him out. File for annulment (not divorce). I can't say this strongly enough: DO NOT consummate the marriage. Cut ties with him completely and get on with your life. Get a lawyer and lay out your financial situation so that you don't have to pay him support (which could happen).
    I concur completely with your estimation.
    Angela53510 likes this.
    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Marriage

    Does he have any health issues? Is he mentally all there?

  13. #13
    Member TheLastKnight's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marriage

    How can you love your husband if he is not the love of your life, you say you lost the love of your life. Your heart is not in the marriage, maybe he picks up on this. Why did you marry someone just because? You cheated yourself and him. If he feels he is not the love of your life, what motivation will he have? Maybe he is just lazy and has no motivation or maybe he needs you to put your heart in and know that there is a life and a love there.
    Knight

  14. #14
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    Default Re: Marriage

    I am sorry about your situation. I would suggest you see a marriage counselor and get some professional advice. I will be praying for you.
    Galatea likes this.

  15. #15
    Junior Member PuppyMom23's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marriage

    @Knight. That's not what I said at all. You have added "facts" that are so not part of this situation. I never said that I didn't love him. If I didn't, I never would have married him, although I did feel as though it was a mistake. Thank you for assuming.
    blue_ladybug likes this.

  16. #16
    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marriage

    Did you actually even read her OP? She has stated that she loves him. However, even before they married, he seemed content to do nothing and let others take care of him. So in that respect, now that they're married, not much has changed. He still sounds lazy and content to do nothing..


    Quote Originally Posted by TheLastKnight View Post
    How can you love your husband if he is not the love of your life, you say you lost the love of your life. Your heart is not in the marriage, maybe he picks up on this. Why did you marry someone just because? You cheated yourself and him. If he feels he is not the love of your life, what motivation will he have? Maybe he is just lazy and has no motivation or maybe he needs you to put your heart in and know that there is a life and a love there.
    Magenta likes this.





    Quote Originally Posted by pottersclay View Post
    Blue_ladybug is innocent, as we know in scripture " all people who like orange tabbies are innocent."
    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    LOL.. I'll use that defense the next time I get accused of something.. lol


    To read my cancer, depression, physical pain & suicide testimonies, go to the Blog tab in my profile.



  17. #17
    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marriage

    Here's a tip. NEVER get into a relationship with someone who you were "good friends" with first. More often than not, they don't last and you despise each other afterward. Happened to me 3 times. LOL
    PuppyMom23 likes this.





    Quote Originally Posted by pottersclay View Post
    Blue_ladybug is innocent, as we know in scripture " all people who like orange tabbies are innocent."
    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    LOL.. I'll use that defense the next time I get accused of something.. lol


    To read my cancer, depression, physical pain & suicide testimonies, go to the Blog tab in my profile.



  18. #18
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    Default Re: Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    Here's a tip. NEVER get into a relationship with someone who you were "good friends" with first. More often than not, they don't last and you despise each other afterward. Happened to me 3 times. LOL
    It works out well for a lot of people. There could be other 'variables' involved in your situation. Once someone has been divorced, statistucally, the chances of divorce or very much higher for subsequent marriages.
    blue_ladybug likes this.

  19. #19
    Senior Member EarnestQ's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marriage

    Don't consummate the marriage. Get an annulment.

    You can still love him as a friend. He has proven he doesn't want to be your husband. Don't expect him to try to be. It is not within him.

    Cut him loose. He is just a roommate ruining your life.
    blue_ladybug likes this.
    The best way to help others understand and experience God's love better is to understand and experience it better yourself.

    Understanding and experiencing God's love better everyday is the most important task for anyone who considers him/herself to be a Christian.


    Love without truth is deception. Truth without love is arrogance. God's love and God's truth balanced is God's wisdom.

    The more one promotes himself and/or his ideas, the less he cares about eternal life for others.

  20. #20
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    Default Re: Marriage

    Consummation is important, but that is not the only consideration. If you've made a covenant, that is important to.

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