Marriage is always on the rocks

Christforlife · Jun 10, 2017

Hello everyone,

I am a man have not been working for a year because my wife and I both agreed it was best for me. She makes a lot of money which allows me to stay home. We don't have any kids and have been married for 15 years. Recently we celebrated our 15 year anniversary and recently almost went through a divorce. During our anniversary day we went out and had fun but when we got home later on the evening the issue of money came up and she got really depressed. I have been looking for a job because I can't put her under that stress anymore because her job is very demanding. We. It's agreed she should take a step back and not have so many clients (so she has time for me). I am very sensitive to her working harder because it has historically caused distance in our relationship. I have been getting mad at her because she had to lie to people about our anniversary to take a day off with me. I don't like her lying because I feel she should be proud to be married for 15 years. Also she has been marketing to new people because we are tight on cash right now. I believe this action goes against all we are working towards and we had a very big argument last night about it and now I feel like she is going to leave me again. What am I doing wrong and what is she doing wrong? Why do I always feel she puts me on the back burner for her job?

kaylagrl · Jun 10, 2017

Christforlife said:

I dont want to make a lot of judgement calls here. Was there a reason you needed to take off work for a year? I mean,if she's doing all the work kinda hard for her to be spending time with you and you dont really have the right to get angry. If money is tight you need to be working,if she is stressed you need to be finding ways to relieve her stress,not be making it worse. You seem like you're acting a little selfish,by what you shared. JMO

Christforlife · Jun 10, 2017

I'm sorry the post came out that way and please don't be judgmental. I suffer from PTSD and chronic pain. I am going back to work to help but please don't make me feel worse as you are. I have wanted to go back to work for quite some time but she wouldn't let me. Now she is willing. What would you feel if your spouse was so busy that you never do anything together? I never said I was not guilty and have been making strides to show her I care. P.S. I take care of everything at home so i am not selfish. If being selfish is wanting to spend time together then call me selfish.

Marymoobulldoze · Jun 10, 2017

One thing when it comes to relationships, that you need to remember, is that we have our " battles" and that acting out towards each other ,is not the answer. Especially because that will actually distance you further from each other than being you together. Also have you read the 5 love languages? Do you know her love language? If not, get that book and learn. If you do, have you been filling her love tank? Being the only one that works, takes a toll on oneself. It also has that person becoming depressed ,with other emotions too. She may just be keeping it to herself as well because she doesn't want to bring anymore tension into the relationship. When you took your vows, you stated... In sickness and in health. That cow is also metaphoric as well. Right now your relationship is on a rollercoaster. But can I tell you something, remember to always encourage and have patience. Being negative and fighting,does not solve anything, but at the same time you both need to be supportive of each other and work together as one. You both are hurt. Go to God ,together. And trust and be patient. He will provide. Just trust.

imfinallyfree · Jun 10, 2017

Yes chronic pain is really difficult to deal with,i know guys that did laborous work all of their lives and have to live painfully with the consequences of that.

A couple of them even had their wives leave them.

Thats a very difficult situation that you have,maybe you can assist her at her job in some way?

May God Bless You

Christforlife · Jun 10, 2017

Thank you for your kind words. I realize I have caused pain because of PTSD because I say mean things out of uncontrolled anger. I do not mean the things I say but I feel like my wife doesn't understand that when I have my moments, anger and anxiety are uncontrollable. I feel she would be better off without me because I can see the damage I do when I have my PTSD fits. I most of all want her to be happy no matter what she chooses. I have suffered from this my entire life and it seems to be getting worse. I just found out through therapy that I have PTSD and now it all makes sense.

Depleted · Jun 10, 2017

Christforlife said:

Reality time. I get this distinct feeling you had no idea what you were getting yourself into when you fell in love with a woman. What you got yourself into was the woman!

We are complex creatures, and you really need a crash course in understanding stuff from the mind of a woman.

1. By nature, we want to feel secure. By nature, men have no idea what that even means to us. lol

Secure -- the comfort in knowing if everything goes wrong, we still have home, family, and our stuff. We really don't care who makes us secure. We just want to be secure. So, if we have the better job, then it's not a problem that we work, and he stays home. If we don't, it is very much about he needs to make us secure. We also don't care if both of us have to work, just as long as enough income is happening that we feel secure. If something happens to make us feel insecure, we're going to go freak out. When we freak out, we take it out on whoever is available. (Husbands are usually available.)

Stuff that makes us insecure -- "almost went through a divorce," "money came up," "job is very demanding," "step back," (i.e. "change"), "getting mad at her," "tight on cash," and "leave me again." Your post was a variable gold mine of stuff women fear the most.

You've been trying for a year to get a job? Any job or a job you feel comfortable doing? Because, honestly, when money was tight we went with "any job" and then worked our way up to "comfortable doing, and pays-well job." Get a job! Any job. That will relax her on the "money is tight" thing bit. It also helps her to feel a little more secure with you. Then work up to better job.

Got to say, "almost got a divorce" tells me I wouldn't trust you for a long time after that. I don't care if the divorce was my lame-brain decision or yours, because you said "we," so both of you were agreeing to it. You think she could walk out on you again? Guess what. She thinks you can walk out on her just as much. That "almost divorced" is something that doesn't heal quickly, and that's all kinds of insecurity for a woman.

2. We are women. Surely, you've experienced what that means by now. We tell our husband we picked out the perfect blue outfit to wear, run upstairs to put it on, and come back down in a red outfit. We are women! It is our prerogative to change our minds in a flash or in a year's time. You don't go around having conversations once a year, and expect her to think the same thing after the year is up. She can't even remember what she thought a year ago. I mean we can remember, but not like it's what we think now.

So, you had a conversation with her about maybe you should stay home and she should work? Fine! If you both go with that, wait until 1-2 weeks after it started and then ask if it's working for her now. Because it may well have been a well-thought-out plan, but the reality of our well-thought-out plans rarely meet what we were expecting. And then keep talking. At least once a week. Because we go upstairs to get blue outfits and come back in red. We can't even predict when we'll change our minds, but one thing for sure...

3. We expect you to be telepathic. It is our nature to think a man can read minute body language. We are like that. It makes no sense whatsoever, but we are like that. And you -- poor man -- are not telepathic. So you have to do what you have to do to get telepathic. ASK! Ask when you can't read the body language. Ask when you think you caught it, because there's a good chance you didn't get it. And ask when you get nothing.

And once you ask, be prepared for the answer. We can talk! Man, can we talk! We talk and talk, but 90% of it is fluff while 10% is dang-important for you to hear. So you have to listen. And you really have to listen. (Because, again, you're supposed to be telepathic, but you aren't.) And tell her what you think she's saying, because you aren't going to get what she's saying most of the time, because you're a man, (and you're supposed to be telepathic. lol) And keep listening, and keep asking until you both are on the same page... at that moment. (Next day she could still be on that page, or three pages ahead of you.)

That's Basic Woman: 101.

Where you went wrong. You made her feel insecure. You're still making her feel insecure. She's both thinking she is the sole bread winner and crappy wife because you want her home all the time to meet your needs. She's scared. Not enough money so things could get worse, and she told you that a year ago, yet you still don't have a job. She's scared. She's scared because she told you something and thinks you didn't hear her. She's scared because this could end in a divorce.

And one other thing you need to know about her. She also knows if this ends in a divorce she'll be okay because she is the security in this family. She doesn't need to be in the family anymore, because she already learned you aren't her security.

Security -- most important thing to a woman. Give her that, and your marriage gets better. Don't, and you will lose it!

Depleted · Jun 10, 2017

Christforlife said:

Aha! A reason you couldn't work. (Two, actually.)

Can you work now? If you cannot, there is something else you can do to ease her burden. Budget better! Figure out how to cut expenses in the house. How can you live on 25% less? (It's doable. It's always doable.) Then -- with her input -- make the cuts, and save that money. Saving that money makes her feel more secure. And it makes you her security blanket.

Added bonus: Once you have financial security, she won't feel so hard-pressed to work all those hours.

(Honestly -- it's always about security.)

Marymoobulldoze · Jun 10, 2017

Well I can tell you this, from my point of view. My ex fiance had alot of problems, he was in a car accident, to where the doctors said that he was supposed to have died because of how his body was positioned in the accident. I never stop trying in our relationship, even when he did drugs to cope with his pain because he didn't have insurance. He wasn't meeting my needs but I still tried my best to fulfill his. I'm telling you this for a reason, if your wife is strong in God, and loves you, I'm sure she would stay. You shouldn't talk down about yourself. I also have PTSD, I should say had, but at times it comes up, and I've had it my whole life as well. But I learned to control it. If your marriage means the world to you, just take baby steps. Trust God. Continue to go to counseling. A marriage is a life of battles. Only God can fix this, but as long as you allow him to. Speak and be honest with your wife and let her know that you know and care about what she's going throughout, even if you already have done it. Encouragement is a must to begin healing.baby steps. Remember, set backs are ok, as long as the general movement of our lives is forward

Depleted · Jun 10, 2017

Christforlife said:

Understanding doesn't mean it hurts her less.

But, from personal experience, I've learned finding out I have PTSD, certainly helped me learn how to move away from the flashbacks that cause/precipitate it. (Lots of fun when we were both going through it for the same reason...NOT!) Knowing what's wrong is the first step to getting better.

Been half a year since the last time I full-on flaked out.

Angela53510 · Jun 10, 2017

I hate to say this, that although PTSD and chronic pain may precipitate your anger and anxiety, etc, it is never an "excuse" to act in an ungodly manner.

"Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions,21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God." Gal 5:19-21

Notice in this little sin list, condemning sexual immorality, idolatry and drunkenness and orgies, among other things, that "fits of anger" or "outbursts of anger" (as other versions read), are all together. In a list like this, from a legal point of view, everything is equal. So anger is as bad as sorcery!

Now before you get all defensive, I come to you as someone with PTSD and severe chronic and Rheumatoid Arthritis pain. I've always had a temper, which probably goes back to being abused as a child, and being strong willed. The second year I was saved, I was reading Galatians, and saw these words about not inheriting the kingdom of God because of my temper! Not fair!

But gradually God started working on me and changing me. I prayed daily to be "delivered" of my temper. But God took the slow route. And gradually, I began to recognize my temper and fits of anger after I lost it. Then, when I was angry. The next step was catching myself before I lost my temper. It was the Holy Spirit leading me all the way. Finally, God began to show me a different person inside me, and this happened when my meds failed, and the pain so bad, I couldn't get out of bed. My husband had to dress me, and feed me, and put me in the wheelchair to get around.

I guess that step is finding the peace of God in our hearts. I pray that you will come to understand that there is no excuse and no circumstance where God allows us to lose our temper, especially with our spouse. They are the ones we need to treat the best. So, draw close to God. Praying for your marriage, and for a good job.

pottersclay · Jun 10, 2017

First off know your limitations and deal with this. It's a hard one to except but your not that same man you used to be. If you are a Christ centered person then know your help comes from the Lord.
You should be thanking God for the wife you have and the provision she can make it all comes from the Lord.
It seems she is taking every opportunity she can to make you both financially secure. It's all about perspective and sometimes it's a hard pill to swallow.
You took a hit in the pride which is absolutely normal to be a bit bitter at the circumstances no one plans on this so the best thing you can do is ask the Lord for direction and thank him for his provision. Budget like depleted suggest. Trust God to carry you both through.

Thehappymom · Jun 13, 2017

I think and I believe that is the man the one that has to work and provide to his family, it is even biblical so I think the roles are not right in your marriage and of course it is affecting you guys.

WingsOfFidelity · Jun 19, 2017

Depleted said:

Reality time. I get this distinct feeling you had no idea what you were getting yourself into when you fell in love with a woman. What you got yourself into was the woman!

We are complex creatures, and you really need a crash course in understanding stuff from the mind of a woman.

1. By nature, we want to feel secure. By nature, men have no idea what that even means to us. lol

Secure -- the comfort in knowing if everything goes wrong, we still have home, family, and our stuff. We really don't care who makes us secure. We just want to be secure. So, if we have the better job, then it's not a problem that we work, and he stays home. If we don't, it is very much about he needs to make us secure. We also don't care if both of us have to work, just as long as enough income is happening that we feel secure. If something happens to make us feel insecure, we're going to go freak out. When we freak out, we take it out on whoever is available. (Husbands are usually available.)

Stuff that makes us insecure -- "almost went through a divorce," "money came up," "job is very demanding," "step back," (i.e. "change"), "getting mad at her," "tight on cash," and "leave me again." Your post was a variable gold mine of stuff women fear the most.

You've been trying for a year to get a job? Any job or a job you feel comfortable doing? Because, honestly, when money was tight we went with "any job" and then worked our way up to "comfortable doing, and pays-well job." Get a job! Any job. That will relax her on the "money is tight" thing bit. It also helps her to feel a little more secure with you. Then work up to better job.

Got to say, "almost got a divorce" tells me I wouldn't trust you for a long time after that. I don't care if the divorce was my lame-brain decision or yours, because you said "we," so both of you were agreeing to it. You think she could walk out on you again? Guess what. She thinks you can walk out on her just as much. That "almost divorced" is something that doesn't heal quickly, and that's all kinds of insecurity for a woman.

2. We are women. Surely, you've experienced what that means by now. We tell our husband we picked out the perfect blue outfit to wear, run upstairs to put it on, and come back down in a red outfit. We are women! It is our prerogative to change our minds in a flash or in a year's time. You don't go around having conversations once a year, and expect her to think the same thing after the year is up. She can't even remember what she thought a year ago. I mean we can remember, but not like it's what we think now.

So, you had a conversation with her about maybe you should stay home and she should work? Fine! If you both go with that, wait until 1-2 weeks after it started and then ask if it's working for her now. Because it may well have been a well-thought-out plan, but the reality of our well-thought-out plans rarely meet what we were expecting. And then keep talking. At least once a week. Because we go upstairs to get blue outfits and come back in red. We can't even predict when we'll change our minds, but one thing for sure...

3. We expect you to be telepathic. It is our nature to think a man can read minute body language. We are like that. It makes no sense whatsoever, but we are like that. And you -- poor man -- are not telepathic. So you have to do what you have to do to get telepathic. ASK! Ask when you can't read the body language. Ask when you think you caught it, because there's a good chance you didn't get it. And ask when you get nothing.

And once you ask, be prepared for the answer. We can talk! Man, can we talk! We talk and talk, but 90% of it is fluff while 10% is dang-important for you to hear. So you have to listen. And you really have to listen. (Because, again, you're supposed to be telepathic, but you aren't.) And tell her what you think she's saying, because you aren't going to get what she's saying most of the time, because you're a man, (and you're supposed to be telepathic. lol) And keep listening, and keep asking until you both are on the same page... at that moment. (Next day she could still be on that page, or three pages ahead of you.)

That's Basic Woman: 101.

Where you went wrong. You made her feel insecure. You're still making her feel insecure. She's both thinking she is the sole bread winner and crappy wife because you want her home all the time to meet your needs. She's scared. Not enough money so things could get worse, and she told you that a year ago, yet you still don't have a job. She's scared. She's scared because she told you something and thinks you didn't hear her. She's scared because this could end in a divorce.

And one other thing you need to know about her. She also knows if this ends in a divorce she'll be okay because she is the security in this family. She doesn't need to be in the family anymore, because she already learned you aren't her security.

Security -- most important thing to a woman. Give her that, and your marriage gets better. Don't, and you will lose it!

Wow, you pretty much described my husband. He has a lot of insecurities and due to them we have had some close calls on our marriage. But I was too stubborn to give up on him and always prayed God would keep us together. And now we have been together for 17 1\2 years. So if you want my two cents, I would say men and women are really the same when it comes to relationships. And when both realize it their marriage will be stronger.

JoDel · Jun 19, 2017

Christforlife said:

Hi. I can't give you exact answers for your questions, but what I can give is this: I've been married to the same man for 38 years. In all of the lessons I have learned...(mostly by listening to God) the most valuable and result producing one is this: When you fix your attention on meeting ALL the needs of your spouse, putting their needs first; their desires first; their interests first... you will begin to notice, gradually, the counter response from this is they "return" in same. It takes a while, so don't expect a resolve overnight. Being self-LESS goes against our nature, but once you learn it and experience the genuine heart you develop...Love deepens; priorities change; cohesiveness of relationship becomes so very strong. ~ Differences are NEVER the cause for divorce or dissolution of relationships. Refusing to address them without offense and flexibility, is usually the culprit.

Rockrz · Jun 19, 2017

Jesus took that upon Himself so you could be free... why not receive healing?.... obviously doctors can't do much for ya otherwise you'd be well by now....

[FONT=&quot] 1 Peter 2:24[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Jesus carried our sins in his own body on the cross, so that we, being dead to sin, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes you were healed.

Matthew 8:17[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]That it might be fulfilled which was spoken by Esaias the prophet, saying, Himself took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses.

Isaiah 53:4, 5
Jesus has carried our grief (pain, anxiety, calamity, disease, sickness), and carried our sorrows (anguish, affliction, feelings of pain, sadness and sorrow): yet we did esteem Him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted....but He was wounded (to wound, to break, be slain or killed) for our transgressions, He was bruised (crush, destroy, oppress, to collapse) for our iniquities: the punishment (violence, rebuke) of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed. (He took our wounds, so we could take his wholeness & health in every area of life)

Proverbs 4:20-23
Attend to My words; incline your ear unto My sayings....let them not depart from your eyes; keep them in the midst of your heart....for they are life unto those that find them, and health to all their flesh....keep your heart with all diligence; for out of it flow the forces of life.

James 5:15
The prayer of faith shall save the sick (from being sick!)

Exodus 15:26[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]If you will diligently listen to the voice of the LORD your God, and will do that which is right in His sight, and will give ear to His commandments, and keep all His statutes, I will not put any diseases upon you, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the LORD that heals you.

Exodus 23:24-26[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You shall not bow down to their gods, nor serve them, nor do their works: but you shall utterly overthrow them, and destroy their images.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]And you shall serve Adonai your God, and He shall bless your food and drink; and I will take sickness away from the midst of you.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]There shall nothing cast their young, nor be barren, in thy land: and you will live out the full span of your lives.

[/FONT]

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Marriage is always on the rocks

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