Constant Blow-Ups

[aliisadog]

Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum, so forgive me if my dilemma has been addressed before.
My husband and I are both Christians and have been married for 1 1/2 years. We each have two grown children living a good distance from us. Just like every other male and female, we have different ways of communicating. I'm the type who wears my feelings on my shoulders and I speak my mind most of the time, a lot of times in a critical and complaining fashion, not toward him, but just in general. My husband keeps his thoughts to himself when I've upset him and they come spilling out about every 2 to 3 weeks in a hurtful way with anger, shouting, tone and his tearing me down to the point I shut down emotionally. We end up just existing in the same house; he staying stubborn to acknowledge his outburst (even with me trying to talk to him about it) and me staying quiet and hurt.
The last time this happened, we literally had no meaningful conversation for 2 weeks; we didn't eat together, sleep together or go anywhere together. I eventually had to leave town to visit relatives and get away from the tension. Then, and only then, did he soften and begin talking to me. I've made mistakes in our relationship in the past for which he says he has forgiven me, but he continues to remind me of them when he has his outbursts.
It happened again today and I was reamed through the coals with insults on my character. I have talked to my pastor, thought about going to counseling, and asked him to go to counseling to no avail. I'm sure there is so much I'm leaving out but I need advice on practical things I might do.
I moved to his little town of around 300 people when we got married and it's been very hard to make friends and my friends are 100s of miles away. Any helpful suggestions? Thanks in advance.

 

[Fenner]

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds really difficult. I would definitely recommend marriage counseling. If he objects, then go yourself. Honestly if this keeps up it's going to be really hard to have a good marriage or any marriage. I wouldn't stick around if he's unwilling to at least try and work on this.

Best wishes to you.

 

[aliisadog]

Thanks Fenner,
I think I need counseling for myself, definitely. Sometimes, I wonder why he even wants to be married. There has also been substance abuse, which he denies he has a problem with, which I know is a whole different set of issues. God hasn't given me the peace about leaving though, but I've been very close.

 

[Depleted]

Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum, so forgive me if my dilemma has been addressed before.
My husband and I are both Christians and have been married for 1 1/2 years. We each have two grown children living a good distance from us. Just like every other male and female, we have different ways of communicating. I'm the type who wears my feelings on my shoulders and I speak my mind most of the time, a lot of times in a critical and complaining fashion, not toward him, but just in general. My husband keeps his thoughts to himself when I've upset him and they come spilling out about every 2 to 3 weeks in a hurtful way with anger, shouting, tone and his tearing me down to the point I shut down emotionally. We end up just existing in the same house; he staying stubborn to acknowledge his outburst (even with me trying to talk to him about it) and me staying quiet and hurt.
The last time this happened, we literally had no meaningful conversation for 2 weeks; we didn't eat together, sleep together or go anywhere together. I eventually had to leave town to visit relatives and get away from the tension. Then, and only then, did he soften and begin talking to me. I've made mistakes in our relationship in the past for which he says he has forgiven me, but he continues to remind me of them when he has his outbursts.
It happened again today and I was reamed through the coals with insults on my character. I have talked to my pastor, thought about going to counseling, and asked him to go to counseling to no avail. I'm sure there is so much I'm leaving out but I need advice on practical things I might do.
I moved to his little town of around 300 people when we got married and it's been very hard to make friends and my friends are 100s of miles away. Any helpful suggestions? Thanks in advance.

How about ending the constant complaining and being critical?

Pro. 21: 9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

 

[aliisadog]

Depleted,
That's why I posted that about myself because I know that I'm 50% of the relationship. I fight my critical nature on a regular basis and I'm very aware of that flaw within me, and have been working hard to get rid of it. Sometimes when I'm answering questions my husband asks about us that I think the answer should be very obvious to him, I get frustrated. I can also get irritated and grouchy if my physical pain issues are elevated or I'm just generally having a bad day.
Just to talk to me in general, I'm very open and a pretty positive person. What my husband was saying is that 90 percent of the time, I'm critical and negative. In no way is that true! I'm a REAL person with fears, insecurities, and disappointments, striving to please my God and I have a great deal of love to give!
Not necessary to say "no lady". Thank you.

 

[OneFaith]

Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum, so forgive me if my dilemma has been addressed before.
My husband and I are both Christians and have been married for 1 1/2 years. We each have two grown children living a good distance from us. Just like every other male and female, we have different ways of communicating. I'm the type who wears my feelings on my shoulders and I speak my mind most of the time, a lot of times in a critical and complaining fashion, not toward him, but just in general. My husband keeps his thoughts to himself when I've upset him and they come spilling out about every 2 to 3 weeks in a hurtful way with anger, shouting, tone and his tearing me down to the point I shut down emotionally. We end up just existing in the same house; he staying stubborn to acknowledge his outburst (even with me trying to talk to him about it) and me staying quiet and hurt.
The last time this happened, we literally had no meaningful conversation for 2 weeks; we didn't eat together, sleep together or go anywhere together. I eventually had to leave town to visit relatives and get away from the tension. Then, and only then, did he soften and begin talking to me. I've made mistakes in our relationship in the past for which he says he has forgiven me, but he continues to remind me of them when he has his outbursts.
It happened again today and I was reamed through the coals with insults on my character. I have talked to my pastor, thought about going to counseling, and asked him to go to counseling to no avail. I'm sure there is so much I'm leaving out but I need advice on practical things I might do.
I moved to his little town of around 300 people when we got married and it's been very hard to make friends and my friends are 100s of miles away. Any helpful suggestions? Thanks in advance.

You both need a different dialogue besides yelling, swearing, or whining. When you're angry just say, "I'm angry and I need some space to calm down." The Bible says not to sin in your anger, and to only speak what is useful for building others up, not to tear them down.

You need to pick your battles. You can't bring up every little thing all day long- that causes bottled up negativity. Pick one or two most important issues, and discuss them when both of you are calm. Adding fire to fire only makes a bigger fire. When he's angry leave the room, when you're angry leave the room. You do not have to attend every argument you're invited to.

We all have problems and stress. You need to vent to God in prayer. "Cast your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." Then look to the good in your day. Each day has blessings and trouble. Savor your blessings, and don't drag the trouble into a new day- cause each day has enough trouble if it's own.

Make sure you have date night. It costs no money to take a walk under the moonlight. Use a lot of gentle touching and kisses. Put the day's issues on the shelf, take time out, and look into each other's eyes, and remember- the whole point of work and dishes, the daily grind, is to support moments like this when you can just focus on love. But if you don't give love time, both of you will live out miserable days only.

 

[Dan58]

 

[lovingladyo4]

I don't think that was a very nice answer.

How about ending the constant complaining and being critical?

Pro. 21: 9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

 

[lovingladyo4]

Thank you for unloading this heavy burden. The Bible tells us to each carry our own load, but we are to bear one another's burdens. It is always a privilege and honor to hold another brother or sister up in prayer, trusting that with God all things are possible. Where would we all be in this life without each other??? God designed us to need fellowship and to form healthy relationships that will sustain us and challenge us to grow in our Christ-likeness.

Marriage conflicts are never easy, in fact they can be so heart-breaking and devastating to the soul, that one wonders if there is any hope at all.

The best encouragement I can share with you is to place your focus on Jesus and not yourself or your husband. What I mean by that is to remove all attempts to resolve these issues with each other and commit to building your relationship with the Lord. Be consumed ONLY with what He wants you to do (love your neighbor as yourself, whatever you do unto these you have done to me, if a man strikes you on one cheek, turn and give him the other cheek, etc.) Be the follower of Jesus no matter what the cost. Be that person who loves unconditionally, because after all, your life here on earth is about your relationship with the Lord more than it is with anyone else.

Your husband has made his choices, and you are free to make your choices, provided they line up with what God asks you to do. This is not about your husband anyore, it is about your relationship with the Lord. This is the only way you can save yourself. This is the only way you can move forward because your focus is no longer on your situaton but on your love for the Lord. Don't think for one minute this is easy to do. It is clearly very difficult, but it also exposes what we are made of, and where our faith is. Becoming Christ-like hurts our flesh because we have to crucify it to the cross.

My dear friend, I am telling you these things because I have had to do them myself. In the past, my husband acted any way he chose, but I chose to continue to listen to what the Lord is telling me to do. Is this easy? No it is not. It takes you in the opposite direction you would normally want to go. I think the verse that struck me the most was the one that says, "If you love me then you will obey me." Humans cannot do that without the grace of God operating in our lives. Our sinful selves prevent us from acting out Christ-likeness. I know what I am talking about.

Have you considered seeking out a counselor or church staff member who is equipped to meet with individuals in situations such as yours? You can't control your husband, but you can control yourself. You may not love him when he treats you this way, but you can love him in the same way God still loves him in spite of his weaknesses and sins against you. He belongs to God first. He is accountable to God first. He will be judged by God first. Keep your record clean. Keep your heart in the right place. This is a daily challenge, and it does not come easy because a wife's emotions are not designed to withstand hurt and rejection from her husband.

I urge you to connect with someone who can steer you in the right direction. You need someone you can pour your heart to and help you get back on track. Do not stay alone.

 

[aliisadog]

You both need a different dialogue besides yelling, swearing, or whining. When you're angry just say, "I'm angry and I need some space to calm down." The Bible says not to sin in your anger, and to only speak what is useful for building others up, not to tear them down.

You need to pick your battles. You can't bring up every little thing all day long- that causes bottled up negativity. Pick one or two most important issues, and discuss them when both of you are calm. Adding fire to fire only makes a bigger fire. When he's angry leave the room, when you're angry leave the room. You do not have to attend every argument you're invited to.

We all have problems and stress. You need to vent to God in prayer. "Cast your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." Then look to the good in your day. Each day has blessings and trouble. Savor your blessings, and don't drag the trouble into a new day- cause each day has enough trouble if it's own.

Make sure you have date night. It costs no money to take a walk under the moonlight. Use a lot of gentle touching and kisses. Put the day's issues on the shelf, take time out, and look into each other's eyes, and remember- the whole point of work and dishes, the daily grind, is to support moments like this when you can just focus on love. But if you don't give love time, both of you will live out miserable days only.

I appreciate your insight, OneFaith, that's why I'm here. I don't swear or yell, but I definitely whine. Because I say what I think at the moment, I don't get angry often, but that's good advice to just get some space to calm down. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't appreciate my needing privacy, example, when I called a friend to talk about another outburst , he followed me and said "we don't have secrets." It's funny (not really) that I was so good in building my kids up and saying things in the positive instead of negative.

I'm proud of holding my tongue on so many occasions. For some reason it takes a long time for him to be calm enough to have a discussion; I'm talking about days or weeks.

I love "You do not have to attend every argument you're invited to." and "look to the good in your day."
I believe if you don't deal with a blowup and let the sun go down with anger that the trouble goes into the next day. That is out of my control. I've asked.

As far as walks, that is not possible where we live; and I've asked for touching, eye contact and he chews tobacco and I can't kiss him (I've tried and it disgusts me and he didn't do it around me before we married). I can't control his wanting to take time out to do these things, so things ARE pretty miserable for me.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Hubby needs to grow up, get over himself and take responsibility for HIS actions in all this.

 

[PennEd]

Depleted,
That's why I posted that about myself because I know that I'm 50% of the relationship. I fight my critical nature on a regular basis and I'm very aware of that flaw within me, and have been working hard to get rid of it. Sometimes when I'm answering questions my husband asks about us that I think the answer should be very obvious to him, I get frustrated. I can also get irritated and grouchy if my physical pain issues are elevated or I'm just generally having a bad day.
Just to talk to me in general, I'm very open and a pretty positive person. What my husband was saying is that 90 percent of the time, I'm critical and negative. In no way is that true! I'm a REAL person with fears, insecurities, and disappointments, striving to please my God and I have a great deal of love to give!
Not necessary to say "no lady". Thank you.

Lynn wasn't saying "no lady" about you. That is HER tag line about herself. It is below her individual quotes.

 

[blue_ladybug]

It's in her signature..

Lynn wasn't saying "no lady" about you. That is HER tag line about herself. It is below her individual quotes.

 

[PennEd]

Depleted,
That's why I posted that about myself because I know that I'm 50% of the relationship. I fight my critical nature on a regular basis and I'm very aware of that flaw within me, and have been working hard to get rid of it. Sometimes when I'm answering questions my husband asks about us that I think the answer should be very obvious to him, I get frustrated. I can also get irritated and grouchy if my physical pain issues are elevated or I'm just generally having a bad day.
Just to talk to me in general, I'm very open and a pretty positive person. What my husband was saying is that 90 percent of the time, I'm critical and negative. In no way is that true! I'm a REAL person with fears, insecurities, and disappointments, striving to please my God and I have a great deal of love to give!
Not necessary to say "no lady". Thank you.

Lynn wasn't saying "no lady" about you. That is HER tag line about herself. It is below her individual quotes.

Here is not only a very funny and entertaining Pastor, but one who has some fantastic advice and truths for married men and women.[video=youtube;814eR5K7KD8]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=814eR5K7KD8[/video]

 

[aliisadog]

Thank you for unloading this heavy burden. The Bible tells us to each carry our own load, but we are to bear one another's burdens. It is always a privilege and honor to hold another brother or sister up in prayer, trusting that with God all things are possible. Where would we all be in this life without each other??? God designed us to need fellowship and to form healthy relationships that will sustain us and challenge us to grow in our Christ-likeness.

Marriage conflicts are never easy, in fact they can be so heart-breaking and devastating to the soul, that one wonders if there is any hope at all.

The best encouragement I can share with you is to place your focus on Jesus and not yourself or your husband. What I mean by that is to remove all attempts to resolve these issues with each other and commit to building your relationship with the Lord. Be consumed ONLY with what He wants you to do (love your neighbor as yourself, whatever you do unto these you have done to me, if a man strikes you on one cheek, turn and give him the other cheek, etc.) Be the follower of Jesus no matter what the cost. Be that person who loves unconditionally, because after all, your life here on earth is about your relationship with the Lord more than it is with anyone else.

Your husband has made his choices, and you are free to make your choices, provided they line up with what God asks you to do. This is not about your husband anyore, it is about your relationship with the Lord. This is the only way you can save yourself. This is the only way you can move forward because your focus is no longer on your situaton but on your love for the Lord. Don't think for one minute this is easy to do. It is clearly very difficult, but it also exposes what we are made of, and where our faith is. Becoming Christ-like hurts our flesh because we have to crucify it to the cross.

My dear friend, I am telling you these things because I have had to do them myself. In the past, my husband acted any way he chose, but I chose to continue to listen to what the Lord is telling me to do. Is this easy? No it is not. It takes you in the opposite direction you would normally want to go. I think the verse that struck me the most was the one that says, "If you love me then you will obey me." Humans cannot do that without the grace of God operating in our lives. Our sinful selves prevent us from acting out Christ-likeness. I know what I am talking about.

Have you considered seeking out a counselor or church staff member who is equipped to meet with individuals in situations such as yours? You can't control your husband, but you can control yourself. You may not love him when he treats you this way, but you can love him in the same way God still loves him in spite of his weaknesses and sins against you. He belongs to God first. He is accountable to God first. He will be judged by God first. Keep your record clean. Keep your heart in the right place. This is a daily challenge, and it does not come easy because a wife's emotions are not designed to withstand hurt and rejection from her husband.

I urge you to connect with someone who can steer you in the right direction. You need someone you can pour your heart to and help you get back on track. Do not stay alone.

This is the most caring and loving response so far!!

I definitely believe God puts skin on himself sometimes. I know I definitely need relationships and I crave the one relationship I can't have. I've been through some of these same struggles before in a previous marriage and apparently God is still trying to teach me to depend more and more on Him. My heart aches and breaks each and every time this happens because when it's sweet, it's really good. I'm a very unselfish person and sometimes I feel he takes advantage of that. I've given in and compromised to his desires just to make him happy.

I know in my mind I need to focus on my relationship with Christ but I want so very much to have this relationship on earth too. I'm not quite clear what you mean by not attempting to resolve our issues with each other and how that can be healthy. What practical ideas do you suggest to become consumed only with what God wants?

I'm gripped with fear when I make choices that my husband doesn't agree with, such as speaking with a friend who does not know him and is a wonderful resource for me, or going to my pastor (which I've done) or to seek counseling. Is saving myself not selfish? I really have nowhere to go because I'm away from family and friends and like I said it is a very small town and I don't know who to trust.

I kind of know what you're talking about (focusing on God) because I had to completely give my trust to God when my husband at the time went to prison for a year and I was left with a 2 year old and no job. Closest time to God in my life; I had a huge support system and it was a very public situation. It's so heartbreaking to know that at my stage in life I've married a person who has become so self-centered (many other issues not mentioned) and doesn't desire to love me as Christ loved the church.

I made an appointment with a counselor for next week but I'm dreading him finding out. He takes that as a threat. I always forgive and always love him.

It is so good to hear someone say that a "wife's emotions are not designed to withstand hurt and rejection from her husband."

I have such a desire for someone to hear my heart. Thank you!!

 

[aliisadog]

Oh!!! Thanks for clearing that up. My apologies. I'm not the only one who thought that. lol

 

[aliisadog]

So true!! Thanks for sharing that cute story. Unfortunately, to me this is NOT the small stuff.

 

[aliisadog]

Hubby needs to grow up, get over himself and take responsibility for HIS actions in all this.

Funny, that's been discussed many times. I'm trying to acknowledge his complaints, but truthfully I started tuning him out about halfway through (we were in bed for the night at his father's house). He started in again on me the next day though. We are at an impasse now--I can't hear him without acknowledgement of his verbal abuse.

 

[lovingladyo4]

I know in my mind I need to focus on my relationship with Christ but I want so very much to have this relationship on earth too. I'm not quite clear what you mean by not attempting to resolve our issues with each other and how that can be healthy. What practical ideas do you suggest to become consumed only with what God wants?

I am sorry for not making myself more clear. When I said "not to attempt to resolve your issues", I was referring more to the idea of spending your time and energy on becoming the person God wants you be, as opposed to trying to "fix" your marriage. You will never fix your husband. He will need to recognize why he needs to fix himself. He must crave a change of heart. Only prayer can accomplish that.

God uses adversity and disappointment as tools to make us become more Christ-like in our character. Would we ever pick and choose pain to make us grow in character? No, of course not, but God knows the human spirit and what will cultivate it the most. It very well could be that God is using this situation to bring you to that plac of growing in Him, which would help you get your eyes off the urgency of your situation because you can't do anything about it anyways.

Don't ever give up on prayer, and release your husband to the Lord.

I hope that helps clarify things.

 

[Depleted]

Depleted,
That's why I posted that about myself because I know that I'm 50% of the relationship. I fight my critical nature on a regular basis and I'm very aware of that flaw within me, and have been working hard to get rid of it. Sometimes when I'm answering questions my husband asks about us that I think the answer should be very obvious to him, I get frustrated. I can also get irritated and grouchy if my physical pain issues are elevated or I'm just generally having a bad day.
Just to talk to me in general, I'm very open and a pretty positive person. What my husband was saying is that 90 percent of the time, I'm critical and negative. In no way is that true! I'm a REAL person with fears, insecurities, and disappointments, striving to please my God and I have a great deal of love to give!
Not necessary to say "no lady". Thank you.

Men = fix it!
Women = security!

Men hear every complaint from a wife as a personal challenge to fix it. That is their security. If they can fix wife's problem, they've make her secure. Happy wife. Happy life.

What are you doing? Complaining? Yes, I get you're not complaining about him (most of the time), but he's still hearing everything as a complaint, and complain means "need to fix."

How to frustrated a husband. Keep complaining about stuff he can't fix. Physical pain. Can't be fixed.

Problem. We're women and know that. (Deep down men do too. lol) We just like to tell what's wrong without an expectation of "fix that." They can't hear that unless we make sure they hear that.

I'm in chronic pain too. And hubby hears about it, BUT it's the way I do it that changes everything. One of two ways he hears about it -- fix it or can't fix it.
1. Can fix it sounds like this.
"My pain doctor is useless except for giving me prescriptions. My back is getting worse and worse. [He already knows I don't want to take more and more pain meds, so I don't have to tell him that part.] My primary thinks I bring up pain to get more pain meds because I'm an addict, so she's not listening to me. Any idea who to go to so someone can help me slow down the increasing pain? I know the back can't get fixed, but delaying worse pain is good."

See? I've given him something useful to do, and he scurries off to the Internet to solve that problem by trying to figure out who I should go to and why. (That was a long term project for both of us, until I stumbled on the answer. After that, he didn't have to fix anymore.)

2. Can't fix it.
"I know you can't do a thing about this, but just got to say, my back is killing me and I have to sit down for a bit."

See? He knows he doesn't have to fix that and can't. He my mull over ways to try and fix that, but after 17 years of this, I doubt there is anything leftover to mull.

3. Giving him a choice in if he wants to fix or not.
"I'm sorry the garden is a mess. That was dumb. I shouldn't have done that, but now I'm in too much pain to work on it for a while."

See? He heard my grip and he could choose to work on the garden, or he could choose to leave it alone, knowing I wanted to do the rest, but can't yet. Optional fix-it mode. (He usually chooses stuff he knows I won't get to, but he wants done. lol)

Things I've learned (the hard way) not to say in front of him because he will "fix it" and I don't want him to do that for one reason or another.
-- My boss was a jerk today. (Ended up being talked into leaving that job. Dang! It was a good job, but he doesn't like bosses being jerks near me. lol)
-- Boy! The bathroom tile is ugly! (I don't even remember saying that, yet he took out the walls in the bathroom. )
-- A guy at work slapped my butt. (Knew better than to say that or he'd go to that job and beat that guy to a pulp. Except, that guy had friends, so they would have beaten him to a pulp.)
-- Stupid neighbor's dog woke me up this morning. (Next thing I know neighbor and he were having a yelling match.)

You may well think you're just laying all on the line. If I stayed with you a day or a week, I might well agree with you. But what you're saying and what he's hearing are two different things.

Men = Fix it.
Women = security.

If he can't give you security by fixing something, he feels inadequate.

That's what I mean by stop criticizing and complaining. He's hearing you. And, ultimately? Isn't that what we want from our husbands? To be heard. We just have to be careful of how we're being heard. (I became disabled shortly after he removed the tile, making him have to work harder for more income. Then he became disabled. To this day the tiles in our bathroom aren't ugly anymore. No tile. But the bathroom will never be finished either. We got walls up before I became disabled. Didn't even get the wallpaper finished. lol) He's hearing you like a man though. Not like a woman.

So, he's not lying. He's telling you his problem. Hear him in man-talk, not woman-talk. And, when you have to complain, phrase it in man-talk.