My husband is considering divorce, I desperately need advice

Rainylynn · Jun 20, 2017

Hi everyone, I'm new here and in desperate need of some advice. I'll try to make this as short as possible. Thanks for taking the time read and to anyone that can offer some help.

My husband and I celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary last Thursday, while at breakfast that morning I asked him about his odd behavior the past week - he was less affectionate and distant. That's when he laid it all out, he listed all the things he hated about me and that I was making him miserable, some valid issues some completely insane like me not knowing what it's like to be a Marine which I never was.
When we got home we got in a huge argument, I was angry that a week prior he was telling how wonderful I am and that I make him so happy, which it would do almost daily. That's when he said he doesn't know if the marriage is worth saving. This isn't the first time he has done this, this is the third time! I believe he has PTSD so do his friends and family. His behavior can be very erratic, he can be totally sweet and playful but then the littlest thing could set him off and he becomes a raving phycho. He absolutely doesn't believe he's suffering from PTSD so he refuses to get help.

We have talked a few times since Thursday, well I have talked he has just been mean. Anyway, he wants to time to decide what he thinks is best for him. This is absolutely insane, our marriage is actually really good, we get along great, we enjoy each others company but there is one issue that he mentioned that is totally legit and completely my fault and that's our sex life. I am uncomfortable having sex with him, I feel awkward. As a result he feels that there is no intimacy in our marriage, I can agree with that. He has brought it up several times and it has been the cause of several fights. And I never did anything to make any improvements. It started about 4 years ago after he cheated on me, decided he didn't love me anymore and wanted to be with the other girl who lived in another state. Oh and that I let myself go, I just had a baby 6 months prior and was 4 months pregnant with another. He acknowledges that he was the cause for my current issues that have only gotten worst but because I won't do anything to fix it, his misery is my fault.

Since he told me about the divorce option he has been cold, distant and unkind towards me. He treats me like someone he doesn't even like. He completely changed with one conversation. I'm trying to show him love and treat him with kindness, I still do everything for him. But this whole situation has left me depressed and emotionally broken. I have 5 kids, two of them little that I need to take care of but I'm struggling to take care of myself. I want to do whatever I can to save my marriage but he won't let me, he won't even say he loves me anymore. I have no control in this situation but to wait for him to decide the fate of our marriage, lives and the lives of our children. I'm living in a nightmare and can hardly breath. I don't know what to do, he's emotionally abusing me and doesn't even care. Actually, he gets mad at me for being unhappy, he wants me to act normal while he decides, but not too normal I can't touch him or try to kiss him. I can't get him to talk to anyone, obviously because he doesn't want to be told he is being ridiculous.

I desperately want to save my marriage, I do love him very much and I know I'm a good wife to him for the most part but then a part of me thinks that maybe him ending it would be for the best since I'm sure this will happen again and I can't handle this. I just don't know what to do except pray a lot. Any advice on how I should be handling this, I'm literally falling apart.

Thanks

littlestarsmum · Jun 21, 2017

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, girl. My heart ached as I read your post. This is a hard thing to go through after 7 years of marriage. I know how painful and devastating it must be for you. I just said a prayer for you and your husband, asking the Lord to bring healing and hope to your marriage. Have you ever considered talking with a counselor? Do you think that's something that might be helpful for you personally? A good counselor might be able to give you some solid guidance. Do you think your husband might consider going with you? I know your situation isn’t easy right now, but I urge you to stay strong. Sending hugs & prayers your way!

Marymoobulldoze · Jun 21, 2017

This has me crying. I know what you mean. After my ex fiance was with another woman, I no longer was comfortable having sex with him. I was more of ,let's get this over with.To where I'd make excuses not to have sex. Also your husband is trying to co troller you in a negative way. He's being selfish and in all honesty what he is doing,is not out of love but selfishness. It's takes 2 to save a marriage. Now, here's where you may not like what I have to say: when you knew he cheated, and got back with him, you stated that you wanted to move on. Why haven't you? I know you still hurt from his desicion that he made, but Jesus even states in the Bible, that if your spouse wants to have sex with you, to submit. Wether male or female. You are married and we are to do this so they do not cheat. Now here's the other thing I see as well. You don't love him, you care a great deal for him, but you are afraid to leave him and you don't want your kids hurt. We can't always protect our kids from pain. Even though it's not healthy to have pain, it is healthy because it better them later in life for bigger pains that may possibly happen. I know that sounds contradicting but pain, makes people stronger. ( If they let it) You are being mentally abused, who knows about the physical, I have an opinion, but that it to myself. This has my ex fiance written all over it. There's no excuse for his PTSD either. I'm sorry. I know at times we may not be able to handle it, but when it gets to where it's affecting our life completely, it's not good. He needs to be willing to get help. Not nagged or pushed to. He has to want to change. But overall , pray. Sometimes what we may think is best for us, God has a better plan in-store. I wanted it to work with my ex fiance, I left multiple times ,he left this last time.and you know what, I'm praising Jesus. It been a long time since me and my kids have bonded. My 4 yr old son, he's the man of the house. He helps me clean and take care of my daughters. I don't ask. He does it on his own. Being a single mom, is not fun. But hearing my kids today, in the back seat of the car, hearing them laugh and having a good time, is worth everything that I am doing. I'm exhausted. I've had to go without eating just to feed them. It's scary, but I have God. I trust in him. At first I didn't, I was about to give up on my faith completely. Set backs are ok though, as long as the general movement of our lives is forward. For you, who's more important, you or your kids?

J7 · Jun 21, 2017

He needs prayer.

SweetmorningDew78 · Jun 21, 2017

Hey!sis welcome

I've got nothing much to say... I can't say I know and understand what you are going through right now because I am not even married yet...But I have said a prayer for you and your husband I asked the Lord to place in your husband's heart the desire to rebuild your marriage I pray to God to rekindle the love that you both have for each other and heal any emotional wounds you and your husband have caused each other . I also ask the Lord to be with you and to give you strength and comfort. God bless you and your family! God is the great restorer of all things place in God's hands all your cares

blue_ladybug · Jun 21, 2017

He also needs some serious professional help, and they both need counseling..

J7 said:

notuptome · Jun 21, 2017

A marriage that is not founded on two people who are lifetime committed to Christ has very little prospect of survival. Each person in the marriage must first be committed to Christ and have a real relationship with the Savior. Not just name recognition but a true heart connection.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

lovingladyo4 · Jun 21, 2017

What you describe here sounds like he may be dealing with some bi-polar symptoms too. Before any treatment or counseling can be effective, he needs to acknowledge there is a problem and agree to get help, whether it's by talking to you, or by seeing a therapist or counselor, or by setting up frequent sessions with a marriage counselor at church.

He may be refusing to get help because he already knows the truth and doesn't want to face himself. He may be looking for the easy way out because he feels he is entitled to it. Men's brains often believe those kinds of lies. In order for him to agree to get help, he will need to be assured there is something in it for him that will make his life easier. But unfortunately, compromise, unconditional love, and sacrifice are never convenient, so it's harder for a male to demonstrate these character qualities. Many men is our culture are used to living life on the receiving end. We all witness hundreds of stories that reveal how true that is. You said he wants time to think about what's best for HIM. That is a perfect example of how many men think.

His misery is not your fault my precious friend. His misery is a result of his poor choices, and from violations againt his promise to God and to you. He is now reaping the consequences of his sinful behavior and what better way to escape those consequences than to blame you. And now he is contemplating a plan to sin again.

Would you consider setting up an appointment with a church pastor, or a woman from a church who is available to talk about these kinds of issues? If you are currently not going to a Bible-believing church, call around and ask to speak with someone who is available to talk to you in person. If they don't have a staff member, ask them where you can go for help. A Christian friend will listen to what you have to say and can be there in person to support you and help steer your thinking in the right direction. I know this is a Christian based forum, and I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but I would like to encourage you to seek out the right person, and that would be a woman preferably from a Bible-believing church.

God can heal your broken marriage, but both parties need to believe He can and He will. As you well know, commitment and trust are at the core of every healthy loving relationship, and while God promises to do his part, a couple will need to promise to do their part. You have stated your husband refuses to believe he needs help, but why not get yourself some help? Please do this for yourself. You are worthy of being treated with the highest level of respect. Do not hesitate in makng some phone calls. Ask God to guide you. Ask Him to show you the right person. But please do not remain idle.

http://bit.ly/2rQzJLw will offer you some help. I will pray you find the courage to reach out to someone who can walk along side you during this time.

Rainylynn · Jun 21, 2017

Thank you all so much for your responses and prayers, it means so much to me. I'm going to try and address everything. We are both Christians and have had a great relationship with God individually and separately. My faith and devotion has always been the same but unfortunately my husband's flip-flops. I suggested that he pray a lot and asked if he'd pray with me. He got angry when I suggested that and told me he no longer has a relationship with God and doesn't want to pray, he believes God hates him. When I first met him I loved how Godly he was, he wouldn't even speed because he felt he wasn't glorifying God if He did. I noticed about year ago he stopped reading his Bible and praying, I asked him about it and he said he just wasn't feeling it at the moment. He's gone through episodes like that before I thought it would pass, it hasn't yet. I pray for him everyday but nothing has changed.
As far counseling goes, he told me that I should see a sex counselor but I asked him to go with me and he refused, I was too embarrassed to go alone so I never tried. I have asked him in the past and presently if he'd go to a marriage counselor with me, he won't even consider it. He said he's already tried that and it's worthless. I'm his 5th wife, but I don't think he ever actually went, I'm sure he's lying about that. I have suspected that he could possibly be suffering from Bi-Polor disorder, his grandmother told me she feels he is also. His brother displays the same behavior as well. Also, his mother was diagnosed with the disorder and recently his 15 year old has been diagnosed as well. He has sever anger issue that he believes have improved a lot, they have but not enough. I have suggested counseling to him several times, that just results in me being screamed at and some how having some issue being placed on me. I'm not trying to claim that I'm perfect I'm not at all but I know I'm not as bad as he claims I am when he's angry.
After he cheated and I forgave him, I did try to move forward but honestly it took over a year to fully get over it. The way that it happened was just so bizarre. One day he's sweet and wonderful and the next he won't look at me and wants a separation. I found out about the affair from his family, they were so angry with him and trying to get him to realize how insane he was being. His behavior and affair went on for about 3 weeks then out of no where he was normal again and acted like nothing had happened. He apologized and admitted that he freaked out and become scared that I would leave him or something. Honestly his reasoning made no sense at all there was more to it but it was weird. But I do believe it was triggered by his mother's death. I never really got a whole lot of closer from that, he wouldn't talk about it very much and when I tried he would get angry and feel that I didn't trust him and have faith in him and that he just wanted to put it behind him and move on with me. Because his reasoning was unusual, and out of my control since it was all a mental thing with him I never knew how to process the whole thing. So I'm sure that's why our sex life has suffered as a result.

After reading the responses I received I know that I at least should seek counseling. I really can't continue to live like this and even if he does snap out of it now there's a good chance this will happen again. So I guess I really need to find out what I should be doing right now and how I need to protect myself in the future. I do absolutely know he needs help, I do love him very much and want to make our marriage work but I do think he needs to work on his metal well-being first.
So I guess I'm pretty much at a crossroads right now, I more than anything want to be married to that man, I am crazy in love with him but this nonsense and other issues that I have chosen to ignore can't keep happening. So I will be looking into finding someone to talk to about this, hopefully with in a church. I will continue to work on my marriage and treat my husband with love and respect but I can't let him have this kind of control over me. I mean since Thursday I have lost 6 pounds! Normally I'm all for weight-loss but not like this. I do pray that everything works out but at this point I don't know what that looks like anymore.
Again thank you all so much, I was a little overwhelmed when I saw all the responses this morning. It was very heartwarming and helped me feel a little better

Katrynne · Jun 24, 2017

May God bless you with courage,strength and wisdom to win all this battles and after winning,to stand strong.

EarnestQ · Jun 25, 2017

You complain because he is unwilling to change but it sounds like you are also unwilling to change. You resent having sex with him. That is enough to make a man want to leave a marriage.

You say you "let yourself go". A wife's attractiveness is very important to a man. It doesn't matter what you think about this or how critical of him you are because he is this way. It is the way men are in this culture. Deal with it. It will take extra effort on your part, but change always requires extra effort. Is he worth your trouble to look nice for him? Is he worth your trouble to have sex with him as much as he wants?

Look for ways to have fun with him, in the bedroom and out. Work at regaining his attention. Submit to his needs for affection, fun, sex, and attention. Don't blame him for everything wrong in your relationship. Be willing to make changes to better meet his needs, the way you want him to make changes to better meet your needs.

This is not to say that he is not at fault. He surely does need psychological or even pharmacological help. But you can't change him. You can only pray for him and change yourself.

Is he worth making significant changes in your life? Talk with him about what changes he would like to see in you. By all means, DO NOT respond with "Yea but you need to change too." Simply listen to what he says and as long as what he asks is not immoral, seek to make the changes.

By doing this you show him you are submitting to his needs and if he sees you are willing to change for him (which you gave no indication of in your complaint about him) he will be more open to consider changing for you too.

There is no promise that he will change his mind about the divorce. But by making these changes yourself, you will also prepare yourself to be a better mate/match for your next husband, regretful as that sounds at the moment.

Rainylynn · Jul 3, 2017

So I thought I would give a little update. Obviously I have been praying pretty much all day everyday God has helped me to see that I have made quite a few mistakes in our marriage, some that I never even realized I had been making. I never claimed to be perfect I just didn't realize what I was doing, but I don't deserve this. So the last couple weeks have been a living nightmare, I found proof of an affair that he admittedly denied until tonight. He's been sleeping with this women, who is also married for over a month, he's in love with her and doesn't want to leave her. She's not the only one either, he admitted to having at least 3 or 4 others in the last couple years, right around the time he felt a separation from God.
He says he loves me still so he's confused about what to do. I know some of you will think that I'm an idiot for this but, I still very much want to work on my marriage, I love him and our marriage is incredibly important to me. I don't want to just throw it away over this. He told me that the guilt has been eating at him and he's been depressed for weeks, which I knew he was. He told me for a moment he thought about "eating a bullet." I feel that there is still hope and I surprisingly feel calm, I haven't felt this way in weeks. Iv'e actually been such a mess, so consumed with this that I have lost about 11 pounds in a little over two weeks, that's a lot for me I was kind of small before now I look unhealthy.
Now that I know what I'm up against I feel a little bit more in control, I know that's weird but I do. Before I was clueless as to what was going on with him. I feel like I better understand how to handle this, well kind of I'm not totally sure how to proceed but I have an idea - I have read every website I could find about this stuff. I do have to go up against a new love and that's going to be a challenge. So I will just keep working on trying to restore my marriage with God's help.
So that's where I am right now, not fun at all.

EarnestQ · Jul 4, 2017

My prayers are with you.

Angela53510 · Jul 5, 2017

Rainylynn said:

So, you are married to an adulterer with possible bipolar disorder, and probably the cycle of abuse going on. And you want what kind of help?

Jesus hated divorce. But, he drew the line in the sand where adultery was concerned. Whatever else was going on wrong - you opened this post by victim blaming yourself - this man is a cheat and a liar. I don't care about his mental state or PTSD or whatever. He has admitted to cheating numerous times, and he treats you like dirt.

I would bet if you start to make attempts to get out of the marriage, he will suddenly want you back, which is the Cycle of Abuse. A woman who is being abused often cannot get it together to make herself more attractive, and get her husband back. And why would you want a man back who is a multiple cheater? Yet you try your best and then he admits to numerous adulterous affairs?

I've been very harsh in this forum today, I admit! But, cheating is the line over which marriages dissolve. Get out of this nightmare now, before you end up looking back and regretting that you didn't walk away from this cheater. Forget about him changing. You are the one who needs to change, by leaving!

PS. So you lost 11 lbs and now you look underweight? Yikes! This means you were never fat to begin with. It means you are trying to please a man who is not willing to be pleased. See a doctor, and get the right weight for you, not for a man who may want a starved model for a wife. Then, stay at that weight to be healthy. Weight is about health, not about looking glamorous to keep a cheat! I'm sorry, this forum is just so hard some days, and this whole thread is just painful to read! And no, I've never been cheated on. Just having too much empathy, I guess!

Rainylynn · Jul 13, 2017

I totally understand what you're saying and I want to not love him still but I just can't. This has literally consumed my life. I want to be able to just let go but I don't know how to, I'm still holding on to a glimmer of hope that he'll realize what a huge mistake he's making. I know how insane that sounds, I'm not usually like this. I have become another person since this all started and I hate it. He left our house on Sunday and has only returned for some clothes and tell me how happy he is in is sinful affair. I am broken at this point and just want to give up completely. Last night I had to try to explain to our 4 and 5 year old why their daddy isn't home, that just added to the heartache. Their so innocent though they think he just doesn't like the dinners I make, bless their little hearts.
The weight loss isn't for him at all, I'm depressed and have no appetite. He makes comments that I'm just skin and bones, which isn't really true but I am much thinner than I was and that he thinks I look terrible. He's a sweet guy. I'm going to remain married to him for at least two years, I'm going to go school and use his GI Bill, I don't really have a choice. I've been a stay home mom for almost 9 years so finding work that would allow me to support 5 kids probably isn't going to happen. He agreed to that at least, for now. He keeps going back and forth, his emotions and feelings are all over the place. He's tormented and knows why but won't do what he knows he needs to end it.
I'm trying at this point to disconnect myself from this situation and focus on me and the kids and really just try to get through each day the best I can.

lovingladyo4 · Jul 13, 2017

I don't believe you can disconnect and stay connected at the same time. It needs to be one or the other. If you choose to stay, you will be choosing to get swept away in the current of his sin. He states he loves his sin. I know your choices are slim, but do not enable him to continue down this path will you following so closely behind. This is not a pictue of a marriage, or a picture of someone "trying to do the right thing".

blue_ladybug · Jul 13, 2017

Think about your kids and what's best for them. They don't deserve to be stuck in this relationship any more than you do.

brighthouse98 · Jul 13, 2017

Blessing Raineylynn, Being a Vietnam Veteran I am fully aware of PTSD, and I sure would say from what you stated that he has two problems, one, and the most important ,gee I do not know if you wish for me to be blunt or not?? Let me ask you a question, do you believe he has found another woman perhaps on his job site or somewhere else?

Because it sure sounds like it to me, and 2, we Veteran's can use PTSD to confuse others as to our real problem! And the real problem lies in not wishing to tell the other the truth! And this is because we have lied so much to ourselves that it becomes so easy to lie to another.

Many believe that having children can help a marriage I have never seen this to be true in the long run.The battle in ones mindset of continuing to lie to the other about our state, only deepens the pain the person has for themselves and for the other who reminds him of the problem they already know they have!

My prayers are sure with you sister!!I feel very sorry for the children as well, who have to witness this! This is very bad for there mindset as well! I know of this sister as my earthly father who was also a Marine did the very same to my mother.

Now to look to bring some comfort to you personal sister!( psalm 118:8) Many times events take place we have no control of,and we wonder what we are suppose to do? Had we been made wise to start with we should have known we cannot do anything right without Jesus in our very life! We have gone and did something we sure did not mean to!!( Eph 4:27)

We have gone and given the devil an opportunity. And now we become depressed and sad.You have come to a season in your life sister as I did,you must now choose who you will follow.( Rom 13:11-14) You must go into self preservation mode for both you and your wonderful children!

You sure do not wish to become the mirror to your failing husband. Because in time you very well could become the same way as he is now! ( mark 4:24) And then your children lose on both accounts! I would sister find a good church near you and start learning how much Jesus loves you,and how you can speak to him and receive instruction as to what you should do. But you must be true and loyal to him as well,because there is no way on this earth we can ever fool the Lord! I know!! LOl I did my best to attempt this stupid action!!( 1 Sam 16:7)

Prayer is only as good as the action associated with that prayer!!( james 1:22) I am sorry you have been placed in such a position of now having to be an overcomer without first learning how to be one! I understand this as I was placed in the very same position by another means.

We must reset our minds to start with sis.( rom 12:2) And we must be very serious that no person or event will separate us from God's own love!!( rom 8:35-39!!!) In is not conviction you need sister,it is becoming convinced!! verse 38!! So the ball is now in your court,I hope I have brought you two things, 1 truth and 2 comfort! of course my love in Jesus is with you and your fine children! And as for the husband I am sure of one fact sister!!( 1 Cor 10:13)

The Lord will provide YOU the way of escape,but you must first seek this escape in him to find it!!( matt 7:7) He sure loves you, and has provided the way for you to follow in.The question is will you? Only you have that answer sister. God Bless you always in our Jesus!( 2 Cor 1:3-7!!!!) amen!

DarkRose · Jul 13, 2017

The first half of your post makes me think that maybe he is suffering from PTSD, or some other mental health issue possibly brought on by his service. Being married to a a former military man, I can understand that living in that environment can occasionally cause unexplained behaviour.
But, then you said he has a history of cheating on you. That coupled with his unkind behaviour just makes me think "why would you want to stay with him?". I don't mean that to sound like you should split or whatever, but seriously...you say you love him...why? What about him do you love, exactly?
He needs help, like counselling and possibly meds and who knows what else. You don't deserve to be treated like that. You really really don't. I would say pray for him (which I'm sure you are, as are others in your life), but don't just hang around and wait for him to change.
Dont let him treat you like that.

oldethennew · Jul 13, 2017

what in the world are your priorities??? yourself or the ones that your have brought
into this filth??? are you really willing to stay there yourself and bring them along
for your ride???

My husband is considering divorce, I desperately need advice

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