My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

[RBW8]

Ah. You read a book or two. Problem solved. I'm sure the problem has resolved itself then.
If you were Truly serious you'd take it more seriously than reading a book or two. Chances are, with your current mindset, you'll fall back into your old habits again. You've taken the most shallow of steps and said that's enough. It's not.

Its been a week, friend. Yeah I've read a couple of books. Again, I never said that solves anything. I'm still reading. I can't stop work (70hours a week). So no, as I mentioned what feels like 50 times, I do not think my problem is solved. I'm literally asking for MORE ideas to help me better myself. Man, you guys sure are judgmental for a Christian forum. I do not feel like I'm good enough to snap my fingers and have her back but I'm identifying my flaws and trying to correct them. Thanks for your advice. God bless.

 

[RBW8]

Thank you for the encouragement.

 

[EarnestQ]

The above advice is good. Miri's advice was very good.

If you really want her back, you need to change yourself substantially - that is grow up, become a godly man and a loving husband.

Stop watching TV. Don't waste hours on the internet, though you can find good resources there. (There are probably support groups for men in your situation.)

Get therapy. Twice a week would be good. Don't just read a book or two. Read everything you can find about marriage and relationships. Work on yourself like there is no tomorrow.

Ask her for six months to prove to her that you can change.

Above all become a godly man. Spend time in Bible study and prayer. Heb 11:6 says that faith is believing that God is worth seeking and then seeking Him. Seek God with all of your heart mind soul and strength.

Again, give up TV so you can invest your time in God and yourself. Grow up and become the man God wants you to be.

Perhaps, your marriage will fail after all. If she is a mature godly woman, there is a good chance the marriage can be saved. But, whether the marriage fails or not, you need to become a different man. The only way that can happen is if growing up is more important to you than anything else, even your job.

Must you truly work 70 hours a week, or do you just like the money that comes with it? Growing up has to become more important to you than making money.

Ask her if she would be willing to attend some marriage therapy weekends with you. Then go to a few of them with her, or if necessary, without her.

Become a godly man, you will never regret it.

 

[RBW8]

The above advice is good. Miri's advice was very good.

If you really want her back, you need to change yourself substantially - that is grow up, become a godly man and a loving husband.

Stop watching TV. Don't waste hours on the internet, though you can find good resources there. (There are probably support groups for men in your situation.)

Get therapy. Twice a week would be good. Don't just read a book or two. Read everything you can find about marriage and relationships. Work on yourself like there is no tomorrow.

Ask her for six months to prove to her that you can change.

Above all become a godly man. Spend time in Bible study and prayer. Heb 11:6 says that faith is believing that God is worth seeking and then seeking Him. Seek God with all of your heart mind soul and strength.

Again, give up TV so you can invest your time in God and yourself. Grow up and become the man God wants you to be.

Perhaps, your marriage will fail after all. If she is a mature godly woman, there is a good chance the marriage can be saved. But, whether the marriage fails or not, you need to become a different man. The only way that can happen is if growing up is more important to you than anything else, even your job.

Must you truly work 70 hours a week, or do you just like the money that comes with it? Growing up has to become more important to you than making money.

Ask her if she would be willing to attend some marriage therapy weekends with you. Then go to a few of them with her, or if necessary, without her.

Become a godly man, you will never regret it.

thank you for your response. First off I work 70 hours right now because of deadlines at work. I do not always work this schedule. Just thgot past few months.

i am looking for more books. I'm not thinking I solved this because I read a book or two.. I've read 2 more since. I've cut out the TV except a movie every now and then before bed so I do a lot of reading. 4 books (albeit 2 were short). I'm asking for book recommendations. I'm still trying to maintain a budget. I've joined a gym closer to work yesterday when someone gave me the idea of a hobby. Finances aren't super tight but I can't
Be frivolous right now (so I can't just go play golf every day). One of the books I read I felt was more science and date, which another book already covered. I don't need to know the science behind things as much as how to deal with them. I enjoyed the christian books on marriage and look for more lighthearted reading than data. I've looked up a church that does study groups and anger management. I'm going to try both but I am thinking the anger management first.


So my wife aside, I actually do want to better myself for me. I'm embarrassed at how I acted and ashamed. I want to be proud of myself again. Recommendations for books on being close to God, submitting to God, being a Christian leader at work, etc. right now it's about self improvement and a closeness to God. I don't have it in my budget to just buy every book I see on the subjects.

 

[EarnestQ]

I am encouraged that you are taking this seriously. My prayers are with you.

(Regarding books, there is always the library.)

 

[Depleted]

I am in no way taking the blame off of myself. However, it has t been our whole relationship. It's been the past month or two. I let stress get the best of me. My Father died in feb. Went a few weeks without work. I mistakenly took it all out on her. I'm not making a Case for myself but I don't like being thrown in as a lifelong loser when I've recently become one. As stupid as that sounds.

I know a book cant fix this. It's just my way of improving myself and understanding my feelings RIGHT NOW. I'm going to do counseling. Try to figure out how I let this happen. How to avoid it in the future.

Ive been trying to find a closeness to God that she talks about. I was raised Catholic so she's been showing me the relationship side instead of the ritualistic side. I do not play christian. I want him. I ask for him to come into my heart. I'm trying to be close to him and I feel like I'm getting closer. I'm by no means perfect but I'm trying.

I know if a man treated her the way I recently, I wouldn't be happy. It's easy to cast judgment but I'm acknowledging my mistake. I have no reason to make up to y'all. I came to you for advice. Scriptures. Book. Something to give me strength. Prayers maybe. Idk. I don't pray to get her back. I pray to keep me walking in God's light.

So, let's see if I'm hearing you correctly.

Last February, your father died. That caused you to change in miserable ways. (I'm assuming miserable to her and you.) After 4-5 months of this misery, your wife left. A week later you left. (Which, BTW, makes me wonder why. After all, why make the house empty? But, I'm assuming there is more to that part of the story.) Now, it's a couple of days later, (and that is foggy too), you're reading a book and seeking people's advice on how to win her back, because you threatened her and she won't talk to you. And you love her madly.

That's what I got out of what you said, but it's not making much more sense either.

Hubby and I are old enough to have gone through a couple of freak-outs after someone we loved dearly died. We've also gone through some other long-term freak-outs that didn't make it easy for the other spouse. But some of the harder aspects of life require just that -- freak-outs. And there is no other way to get through them then to do that -- go through them. I was miserable to be around when I went through mine. He was miserable to be around when he went through his. And I really get how long five months feel when I'm miserable or he's miserable.

I did consider moving out for a while. (Fortunately, my only choice for where to go to was that parent who never thought I ever did anything right, sooooo, the best I could do was to leave miserable to move in with miserable, so that idea quickly left my mind. lol) I didn't want to talk to him for a bit. BUT, according to what you've written, your wife wants to divorce you for a mere five months of misery.

The only way that makes sense to me is if you and she have only been married for a very short time. And that, because why else would she think five months of misery was worth quitting a marriage for?

Which makes me think either something else was happening before your dad died and you're ignoring that part, or she's a prima donna, which doesn't bode well for your "This is the best woman I've ever met" narrative.

So, that's what I'm hearing. Does any of that need correcting? (And if it doesn't, something is seriously wrong here.)

 

[Depleted]

You need to change because it will be good for YOU. Not just so you can possibly win your wife back. As good as that might be, it's only a "short-term" fix.

Also, don't let ANYONE convince you, either here or elsewhere, that you will always be an abuser, or that abusers will never change their ways. You can change that if you really want to. It's not something you're stuck with.

Prayers for you, brother.

Abusers can NOT change themselves. This is a fact.

Not the same as they can't change. There is one who changes us. God!

And part of the reason abusers cannot change themselves is because everyone -- sadly, including Christians now -- keep telling everyone else that it is up to us to change ourselves, because... well, "because I said so." And the desperate person in need of drastic change to the good is left trying to change themselves, fails, and then think they are the exception to the rule (man-made pop-psychology rule that has absolutely no evidence in reality), so they give up, stay miserable, die, and go to hell because they know, for sure, they could not change themselves.

Meanwhile, they could have put all their trust into God to help them change, and see the glorious results of God's work in them.

Believe God's Bible over pop-psychology. And stop giving a platform for pop-psychology as a "Christian stance."

 

[RBW8]

So, let's see if I'm hearing you correctly.

Last February, your father died. That caused you to change in miserable ways. (I'm assuming miserable to her and you.) After 4-5 months of this misery, your wife left. A week later you left. (Which, BTW, makes me wonder why. After all, why make the house empty? But, I'm assuming there is more to that part of the story.) Now, it's a couple of days later, (and that is foggy too), you're reading a book and seeking people's advice on how to win her back, because you threatened her and she won't talk to you. And you love her madly.

That's what I got out of what you said, but it's not making much more sense either.

Hubby and I are old enough to have gone through a couple of freak-outs after someone we loved dearly died. We've also gone through some other long-term freak-outs that didn't make it easy for the other spouse. But some of the harder aspects of life require just that -- freak-outs. And there is no other way to get through them then to do that -- go through them. I was miserable to be around when I went through mine. He was miserable to be around when he went through his. And I really get how long five months feel when I'm miserable or he's miserable.

I did consider moving out for a while. (Fortunately, my only choice for where to go to was that parent who never thought I ever did anything right, sooooo, the best I could do was to leave miserable to move in with miserable, so that idea quickly left my mind. lol) I didn't want to talk to him for a bit. BUT, according to what you've written, your wife wants to divorce you for a mere five months of misery.

The only way that makes sense to me is if you and she have only been married for a very short time. And that, because why else would she think five months of misery was worth quitting a marriage for?

Which makes me think either something else was happening before your dad died and you're ignoring that part, or she's a prima donna, which doesn't bode well for your "This is the best woman I've ever met" narrative.

So, that's what I'm hearing. Does any of that need correcting? (And if it doesn't, something is seriously wrong here.)

Yes my my father died in feb but I didn't immediately withdraw. It was a buildup of things (in regards to him). His insurance didn't come through. Mom was left with nothing. Had to sell things and move out quick. Come to find out my mom has been having medical issues that she stubbornly won't talk about. She can't drive now.

My wife lost her past husband to cancer. According to her brother, he had cancer going into the relationship and didn't tell her until after they were married. According to him, her previous marriage was abusive. So me saying what I said was definitely magnified. I left this all out because I don't want to take the blame off of myself as it was wrong and I'm ultimately seeking help for MY actions.

we have been married a short time, yes. 4 years. Her mom is saying she will take me back and yo just give her time.. I'm not so sure about that. Whatever lines people have used since the dawn of time, this is not one. I'm truly seeking help for myself.

i know the orihional post was corney and winey but that was how i was feeling and i just let it out i guess.

I left because she asked me to. We have a dog and my friend/neighbor said she hasn't been back. So I sneak in to take care of the dog and leave. I can't have her (the dog) in a hotel.

 

[RBW8]

Good points. This is the opportunity to find the closeness to God that I've been seeking. If I walk in his light everything else will take care of itself. That's for talks honesty.

 

[Depleted]

Its been a week, friend. Yeah I've read a couple of books. Again, I never said that solves anything. I'm still reading. I can't stop work (70hours a week). So no, as I mentioned what feels like 50 times, I do not think my problem is solved. I'm literally asking for MORE ideas to help me better myself. Man, you guys sure are judgmental for a Christian forum. I do not feel like I'm good enough to snap my fingers and have her back but I'm identifying my flaws and trying to correct them. Thanks for your advice. God bless.

You can't stop working, but that's not the same as you have to work 70 hours a week.

I'm seeing a pattern here. You left her when you took on a job that has you working 70 hours a week. Not physically left her, but when you work those kinds of hours, there are only two things you can do when you're home -- eat and sleep. So even when you were home, you weren't home. (Which also kills off your line about meeting her physical needs, BTW, unless you really did mean the two of you had lots of sex... but the quicky kind that meets the needs of the man, but not the woman.) Spouses can take this for a while, if they agree with the choice to begin with. But that won't last long, if there isn't time for the spouse too.

Whatever excuses you had to take on that 70-hour work week are gone. ("We need the money." "This is just for a little while until we can buy..." "We have to keep a roof over our heads.") "We" is gone! It's just you now. You can live on less, so find a new job where you will have time. Time for God. Time to work on you. Time to win her back, if you get to the point that you are no longer scary and miserable.

As for judgmental? Take this from someone who did counseling. You're showing all the signs of someone who wants to band-aid a gash in hopes no one notices the gash. You're doing nothing but defending yourself, after just one post of "why I deserved this."

I know the difference between someone coming up with the right things to say to the parole board compared to someone who truly repented and has plans on changing. You're failing. It's okay to fail us. Not okay to fail yourself.

 

[RBW8]

You can't stop working, but that's not the same as you have to work 70 hours a week.

I'm seeing a pattern here. You left her when you took on a job that has you working 70 hours a week. Not physically left her, but when you work those kinds of hours, there are only two things you can do when you're home -- eat and sleep. So even when you were home, you weren't home. (Which also kills off your line about meeting her physical needs, BTW, unless you really did mean the two of you had lots of sex... but the quicky kind that meets the needs of the man, but not the woman.) Spouses can take this for a while, if they agree with the choice to begin with. But that won't last long, if there isn't time for the spouse too.

Whatever excuses you had to take on that 70-hour work week are gone. ("We need the money." "This is just for a little while until we can buy..." "We have to keep a roof over our heads.") "We" is gone! It's just you now. You can live on less, so find a new job where you will have time. Time for God. Time to work on you. Time to win her back, if you get to the point that you are no longer scary and miserable.

As for judgmental? Take this from someone who did counseling. You're showing all the signs of someone who wants to band-aid a gash in hopes no one notices the gash. You're doing nothing but defending yourself, after just one post of "why I deserved this."

I know the difference between someone coming up with the right things to say to the parole board compared to someone who truly repented and has plans on changing. You're failing. It's okay to fail us. Not okay to fail yourself.

Defending myself? I'm correcting accusation after accusation while trying to repeatedly get back on track. I said I was jealous and that I threatened her. I really don't not know how I've defended that behavior.. Saying it's 2 months when people are insisting it's been longer is not defending myself, it's defending yalls accusation. Saying it's something that just recently started happening after basically being called a lifelong abuser is again just that. So I am in no way defending my actions when I'm providing facts vs y'all's theories.

i didn't just take this job and these hours for any reason. It's my line of work. And a lot of people are looking for work right now. I already have another job lined up in sept but I need to work now. I can be working 50 hours but when things need to be done, it can go to weekends. If y'all weren't so black and white you'd see that there are sometimes more circumstances than the ones you have set in your head.

As far as physical needs, no I don't come home and eat and sleep. I cook for her (I'm from Louisiana, she's from Virginia so I'm just better in that department lol). I help load the dishes. I don't do laundry. I take out the trash. Blah blah. Physical needs. No it's not just "having lots of sex". We tackle chores as a team so we can spend a few hours every night. I'm not playing the part of a perfect husband. I'm not trying to pump myself up. But all of yalls accusations are causing me to explain.

I came here to seek help and to better myself. Sorry my wording made it sound like I just want to "win her back". Sorry for defending the accusations and maybe appearing that I don't accept blame. I've stated numerous times what I'm seeking. And you choose to neglect that to tell me what a terrible person I am instead. So again, if you have a book recommendation that can help me have a closeness to God. Or that can help me be a Christian leader in my home, I'm all ears. But spare me your pseudo psychiatry with your made up "gotcha" accusations. You can't lump everyone into the same category. I'm not looking for ways to change her mind, I'm looking for ways to change me. Thank you for your scornful interest but I think I'm done here. I could have dealt with this crap on another forum. I came here for religious input. Maybe you should talk to God a little more. I doubt he would go about this the way you have.

 

[Depleted]

thank you for your response. First off I work 70 hours right now because of deadlines at work. I do not always work this schedule. Just thgot past few months.

i am looking for more books. I'm not thinking I solved this because I read a book or two.. I've read 2 more since. I've cut out the TV except a movie every now and then before bed so I do a lot of reading. 4 books (albeit 2 were short). I'm asking for book recommendations. I'm still trying to maintain a budget. I've joined a gym closer to work yesterday when someone gave me the idea of a hobby. Finances aren't super tight but I can't
Be frivolous right now (so I can't just go play golf every day). One of the books I read I felt was more science and date, which another book already covered. I don't need to know the science behind things as much as how to deal with them. I enjoyed the christian books on marriage and look for more lighthearted reading than data. I've looked up a church that does study groups and anger management. I'm going to try both but I am thinking the anger management first.


So my wife aside, I actually do want to better myself for me. I'm embarrassed at how I acted and ashamed. I want to be proud of myself again. Recommendations for books on being close to God, submitting to God, being a Christian leader at work, etc. right now it's about self improvement and a closeness to God. I don't have it in my budget to just buy every book I see on the subjects.

Money has been tight for us for quite some time. But money obviously isn't as tight for you as you think. One of the things I learned quickly when hubby was in the hospital for 7 months was that it cost a lot less for one person than it does for two people. Taking that into account along with you joined a gym and buy books, (if money was tight, you would have gone to the library and figured out how to exercise for nothing lol), get counseling instead. You CAN afford it now. You can keep affording it as long as there is just one person in your house. (And, if you do golf, even if there are two people in your house again.)

Prioritize. She didn't marry you for your body. (Or, if she did, she was due for a rude awakening eventually. lol) Getting closer to God does NOT require giving up TV or the Internet. It means prioritizing. Don't go for the christian-mask. (Looking good for others.) Go for "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." Seek God first. And, because you've long-ago developed the sin habit, you really do need Christian counseling on how to do that.

Christian counseling! Not "1001 Ways to Make Money Over the Naive Christian" self-help books.

 

[EarnestQ]

I apologize for Depleted/Lynn's attitude. I agree that she is being judgmental in her post. Don't take it personally. And don't discredit the rest of the posts that are sincerely trying to be helpful.

Lynn, I respect you but I think you were being a bit more judgmental than is helpful in a situation like this. Don't take this personally. I know you have a lot to offer, but you did make assumptions about the OP that were not in context with what he was saying.

God bless.

 

[Seekingfamily]

I am sorry you're being attacked, please don't leave...I am sure there are souls here that do care, and want to help!

 

[tourist]

Defending myself? I'm correcting accusation after accusation while trying to repeatedly get back on track. I said I was jealous and that I threatened her. I really don't not know how I've defended that behavior.. Saying it's 2 months when people are insisting it's been longer is not defending myself, it's defending yalls accusation. Saying it's something that just recently started happening after basically being called a lifelong abuser is again just that. So I am in no way defending my actions when I'm providing facts vs y'all's theories.

i didn't just take this job and these hours for any reason. It's my line of work. And a lot of people are looking for work right now. I already have another job lined up in sept but I need to work now. I can be working 50 hours but when things need to be done, it can go to weekends. If y'all weren't so black and white you'd see that there are sometimes more circumstances than the ones you have set in your head.

As far as physical needs, no I don't come home and eat and sleep. I cook for her (I'm from Louisiana, she's from Virginia so I'm just better in that department lol). I help load the dishes. I don't do laundry. I take out the trash. Blah blah. Physical needs. No it's not just "having lots of sex". We tackle chores as a team so we can spend a few hours every night. I'm not playing the part of a perfect husband. I'm not trying to pump myself up. But all of yalls accusations are causing me to explain.

I came here to seek help and to better myself. Sorry my wording made it sound like I just want to "win her back". Sorry for defending the accusations and maybe appearing that I don't accept blame. I've stated numerous times what I'm seeking. And you choose to neglect that to tell me what a terrible person I am instead. So again, if you have a book recommendation that can help me have a closeness to God. Or that can help me be a Christian leader in my home, I'm all ears. But spare me your pseudo psychiatry with your made up "gotcha" accusations. You can't lump everyone into the same category. I'm not looking for ways to change her mind, I'm looking for ways to change me. Thank you for your scornful interest but I think I'm done here. I could have dealt with this crap on another forum. I came here for religious input. Maybe you should talk to God a little more. I doubt he would go about this the way you have.

You're certainly not a terrible person. I understand about the hours at work also having been in the workforce most of my adult life and still working. It's not like you can pick and choose what hours you're going to work. That's not really how it goes when your working for the man. In my marriage we share the chores as well. Like you I take out the trash, rinse off dishes, put in dishwasher, put away dishes. I do a little cooking once in awhile also. I get the mail each day too.

It sounds like the main problem was verbal abuse, probably brought on by the stress of day to day living. This is something that God can help you work through but that's going to take a considerable period of time. From my perspective as a husband I would say that you actually contribute a whole lot to the marriage.

I believe that God can salvage the marriage but it's going to take work from the both of you. Right now you both will probably benefit from some time alone. If you do get back together I think that you both should make it a priority to put God in the center of your marriage and to spend time together each day in daily prayer, bible reading, and devotion.

I wish you all of God's blessings in this endeavor. As you know by now marriage is certainly not all peaches -n- cream. You have hit a rough patch. I pray that God gives you both clarity of thought and the desire to be the best husband and wife possible.

God Bless You.

 

[Depleted]

Yes my my father died in feb but I didn't immediately withdraw. It was a buildup of things (in regards to him). His insurance didn't come through. Mom was left with nothing. Had to sell things and move out quick. Come to find out my mom has been having medical issues that she stubbornly won't talk about. She can't drive now.

My wife lost her past husband to cancer. According to her brother, he had cancer going into the relationship and didn't tell her until after they were married. According to him, her previous marriage was abusive. So me saying what I said was definitely magnified. I left this all out because I don't want to take the blame off of myself as it was wrong and I'm ultimately seeking help for MY actions.

we have been married a short time, yes. 4 years. Her mom is saying she will take me back and yo just give her time.. I'm not so sure about that. Whatever lines people have used since the dawn of time, this is not one. I'm truly seeking help for myself.

i know the orihional post was corney and winey but that was how i was feeling and i just let it out i guess.

I left because she asked me to. We have a dog and my friend/neighbor said she hasn't been back. So I sneak in to take care of the dog and leave. I can't have her (the dog) in a hotel.

Ah, so this is a two-edged sword that attacked itself! (You're one edge. She's the other. And when everything went wrong, you turned on each other.) Clearer picture now. She has serious trust issues and sees you as untrustworthy. (And, yes. She's not wrong to lack trust, but that lack isn't all on your shoulders. The last husband played the part poorly.) Worse yet, you became that. Hard to put it back together, but this isn't just you needing help anymore. (And you still need help.) She needs it too.

Her mom says she'll turn around. Could be good news. Might not be. You didn't ask the right question. Here's the right question, "How do you know that?/Did she say that?" If Mom says that out of hope, then don't count on it. If your wife told her that, feel like a ray of sunshine slid through that rain cloud above you. There is hope! We women tend to tell other women stuff that men can't hear. And it's not that we don't tell men. It's just that you guys don't hear it like we say it, or we say it in womenly-ways that no one can figure out. If she gets along with her mother, it's time for you to use her mother as your listening post. She's getting insider info that your wife isn't ready to give you. (And, if the two of them don't get along, it's not insider info.)

Second, move back into that house! Yeesh! You're proving twice you are the man she fears will leave her. Not only did you threaten her, you left her!!! Sure, logic dictates you were being nice by giving her room, but no! Logic doesn't work the same way in a woman's mind as a man's mind. She was telling you to get out, because she was sure you'd do the same thing her last husband did to her -- leave her. Her only control was deciding when. She pushed you out! Don't let her, because that is exactly what she fears from you. Her last husband pushed her out. (First, in not telling that he had cancer. And then in dying.) Yes. I get that is illogical. And yet, even to me, that's logical. That's Woman-think! I was just graced by living with mostly men, and becoming determined to use my logic over my emotions, but I am still a woman, and have to make that conscious choice. I get Woman-think naturally. I get some of Man-think by dogged determinism and God's grace. Women do not have to make sense to men. Men merely have to understand how we think without it having to make sense.

So, she pushed you away specifically at that point when she was feeling totally helpless. She can't fix your dad died. She can't fix "and left your mom nothing." She can't fix 70-hour work week. She can't fix your slew of "everything is going wrong." And the last time she felt this way, her husband was dying from cancer after marrying her without telling her he had it first. None of which she could fix either, leaving her helpless. For her "helpless" has become the same thing as "alone."

Meanwhile, you did the same thing. You pushed her away because you didn't want her to get soiled from this mess with your family and your emotions!

STOP THAT! Marriage is partnership. You're in this boat together, and dang the baggage tends to make the top of the boat come dangerously close to water level. Can't help that. Baggage is just that -- stuff we bring into the marriage. It's not going anywhere. You know what keeps the boat afloat? God! Why? Because we bring enough baggage along with us to drown ourselves. And then we pile on more.

So God holds up the boat while the couple bails out the water sometimes. Sometimes you need her because you're tired. Sometimes she needs you because she's tired. And, quite often, you simply sag into each other's arms both utterly exhausted. God again! He is the completer when we are the depleters. (My user name isn't an accident.) But you stick together, no matter what, or else there is no reason for God to hold the boat up.

So, she left the house and hasn't come back? Take back your home and wait for her! (And for crying out loud, feed the dog, love the dog, walk the dog, because that's been one lonely dog, and you need practice on how to love and be loved. Dogs are great at that.) Let your MIL know you've returned to "our home." "Our home" as in yours and her home. Make sure MIL knows you want her back, because you have no intentions of leaving her EVER!

That's what she needs, you know. She needs you to prove you won't leave her. And here is the reality. She will need that from you for the rest of her life.

I married a man who has similar trust issues. The only way I know to prove to him I won't leave him is to not leave him. 37 years later. He knows it most of the time, but just last year he worried I might be interested in another guy because he couldn't be there for me. (Seven months in the hospital. I got he had a really good reason for not being here for me seven months earlier, but he was still figuring that out. ) I didn't even know I was still proving it to him, until he told me what happened a few months later. lol

You seriously need to learn how to be the man she will want to submit to. That one you need. And in return you give her what she needs, because that is also what she needs. You simply haven't been taught this stuff yet and how to apply it. This is about being complete in God, and I truly hope that completeness includes her again.

BTW, how you treat your mom now also tells her something about if you will stick with her. You are being judged by last husband's actions. That's just a fact.

 

[Depleted]

Defending myself? I'm correcting accusation after accusation while trying to repeatedly get back on track. I said I was jealous and that I threatened her. I really don't not know how I've defended that behavior.. Saying it's 2 months when people are insisting it's been longer is not defending myself, it's defending yalls accusation. Saying it's something that just recently started happening after basically being called a lifelong abuser is again just that. So I am in no way defending my actions when I'm providing facts vs y'all's theories.

i didn't just take this job and these hours for any reason. It's my line of work. And a lot of people are looking for work right now. I already have another job lined up in sept but I need to work now. I can be working 50 hours but when things need to be done, it can go to weekends. If y'all weren't so black and white you'd see that there are sometimes more circumstances than the ones you have set in your head.

As far as physical needs, no I don't come home and eat and sleep. I cook for her (I'm from Louisiana, she's from Virginia so I'm just better in that department lol). I help load the dishes. I don't do laundry. I take out the trash. Blah blah. Physical needs. No it's not just "having lots of sex". We tackle chores as a team so we can spend a few hours every night. I'm not playing the part of a perfect husband. I'm not trying to pump myself up. But all of yalls accusations are causing me to explain.

I came here to seek help and to better myself. Sorry my wording made it sound like I just want to "win her back". Sorry for defending the accusations and maybe appearing that I don't accept blame. I've stated numerous times what I'm seeking. And you choose to neglect that to tell me what a terrible person I am instead. So again, if you have a book recommendation that can help me have a closeness to God. Or that can help me be a Christian leader in my home, I'm all ears. But spare me your pseudo psychiatry with your made up "gotcha" accusations. You can't lump everyone into the same category. I'm not looking for ways to change her mind, I'm looking for ways to change me. Thank you for your scornful interest but I think I'm done here. I could have dealt with this crap on another forum. I came here for religious input. Maybe you should talk to God a little more. I doubt he would go about this the way you have.

I get you defending yourself when it was assumed (from your first post) that you were abusive always. And, I'm sorry I got that wrong. Forgive me?

I don't know if she knew that's what you did for a living before or after she married you. Because last husband withheld info, she will, very much, judge you through him. So, if you went into that line of work after, she probably did take it as "unfair," and you were leaving her. That's what happens when the last marriage starts with deceit and then ends so tragically. She will be feeling like she was deserted for decades. If you were in that line of work before marriage, she should have accepted that. But, from personal experience, I also know there is "the plan," and then there is "revisiting that plan, because the plan's not working for me." (And I was the one working at nights, on weekends, and on holidays. It wasn't working for him, even though he said he was good with the idea.) But, now that I know this job is over in September, I'm thinking things will be calm enough by then to at least know where your headed by then.

I still think it's a bad idea to work 70-hours a week when you, your mom, and your wife need you. But if that can't change, that can't change.

As for VA vs. LA cooking? I'm a Yankee who isn't the cook either, but lived in the South long enough to know, "Them's fighting words." So, if you get flack over that, that's on you. lol

As for judging? Aren't we all doing just that? And, isn't that what you wanted? You wanted us to judge what's going on to recommend what you should do. I admit it. When you said you gave her all the physical attention she needed, my mind split there. And it is Man-think vs. Woman-think. Say that to nothing but guys, and wouldn't you get a bunch of knowing grins? That's Man-think. As a woman, my thought was you gave her hugs, kisses, and touches throughout the day. That's Woman-think. Ends up, it was "C. None of the above." (But, brownie points for you for realizing housework isn't just woman's work. ) So, be aware what you say doesn't always come through on how others are going to read it. Particularly true, when online, and there is no body language.

In like kind, you've been misjudging too. Do we have no reason to check out how committed you are to changing? Been a counselor. 90% of the people who walk through that door wanted to know that they were all right, and the rest of the world was wrong. They walked out with that same opinion. The only people that can be helped are those who know something they're doing is wrong and they are committed to finding out what it is and working on it.

Stop and take a look down two pages of this forum. See which percentage of people are doing the same thing here. You can tell who they are. One post and they're gone. Two or three posts and then they go with, "You were supposed to encourage me! What's wrong with you people?" (Same thing the 90% say.)

You know who stays? The ones who realize something is wrong and need help enough to stay.

One question. Which are you?

Changing requires God and dog-determinism. If you got 0-1 of those things, (and you really don't have God until you are determined to change to his ways. That he gives us in his first gifts), nothing changes.

Talked to a lot of people who claim they want change. Very few meant it. The ones who did were willing to put up with the liver to get to the chocolate. (I hope you don't like liver or that analogy doesn't work. lol)

 

[Depleted]

I apologize for Depleted/Lynn's attitude. I agree that she is being judgmental in her post. Don't take it personally. And don't discredit the rest of the posts that are sincerely trying to be helpful.

Lynn, I respect you but I think you were being a bit more judgmental than is helpful in a situation like this. Don't take this personally. I know you have a lot to offer, but you did make assumptions about the OP that were not in context with what he was saying.

God bless.

As a friend and bro, how about we agree on a couple other things.
1. Don't apologize for me and I won't apologize for you about TV.
2. Don't tell me when I'm being judgmental, because that is being judgmental. The only difference is I have no problems with anyone being judgmental, until they judge wrong.

I really do get I'm no lady. I come down hard. But I also don't think the answer is a pat on the head, and an "Aw, poor baby."

I've had lots of Christians offer to help me over the years. "Aw, poor baby" has never helped. Being willing to hear out all the details, even the ones I didn't think to tell at first, and then conversing does. Lots of that required, "Quit your 70-hour work week." Followed by, "But I can't because..." Followed by, "Oh, okay, now that I know why, how about...?"

Conversing is hit and miss, but it's better than, "Aw, poor baby."

And because of that working for me, that's what I give to others.

 

[EarnestQ]

As a friend and bro, how about we agree on a couple other things.
1. Don't apologize for me and I won't apologize for you about TV.
2. Don't tell me when I'm being judgmental, because that is being judgmental. The only difference is I have no problems with anyone being judgmental, until they judge wrong.

I really do get I'm no lady. I come down hard. But I also don't think the answer is a pat on the head, and an "Aw, poor baby."

I've had lots of Christians offer to help me over the years. "Aw, poor baby" has never helped. Being willing to hear out all the details, even the ones I didn't think to tell at first, and then conversing does. Lots of that required, "Quit your 70-hour work week." Followed by, "But I can't because..." Followed by, "Oh, okay, now that I know why, how about...?"

Conversing is hit and miss, but it's better than, "Aw, poor baby."

And because of that working for me, that's what I give to others.

May the Glorious Heavenly Father fill us both with His wisdom, truth and love.

 

[Angela53510]

Yes my my father died in feb but I didn't immediately withdraw. It was a buildup of things (in regards to him). His insurance didn't come through. Mom was left with nothing. Had to sell things and move out quick. Come to find out my mom has been having medical issues that she stubbornly won't talk about. She can't drive now.

My wife lost her past husband to cancer. According to her brother, he had cancer going into the relationship and didn't tell her until after they were married. According to him, her previous marriage was abusive. So me saying what I said was definitely magnified. I left this all out because I don't want to take the blame off of myself as it was wrong and I'm ultimately seeking help for MY actions.

we have been married a short time, yes. 4 years. Her mom is saying she will take me back and yo just give her time.. I'm not so sure about that. Whatever lines people have used since the dawn of time, this is not one. I'm truly seeking help for myself.

i know the orihional post was corney and winey but that was how i was feeling and i just let it out i guess.

I left because she asked me to. We have a dog and my friend/neighbor said she hasn't been back. So I sneak in to take care of the dog and leave. I can't have her (the dog) in a hotel.

I also reacted to your post the way Miri and Lynn and others did. Because, as someone else said, if your wife had been writing your OP and subsequent posts from her POV, I would have been advising her to leave, too! Or at least get into marriage counselling, and you into personal counselling.

But when I read the bolded part above, that was the icing on the cake. She was abused before. So, obviously, she is overreacting to your abuse? NOT!

There is a problem called "Battered Wife Syndrome." This means, a woman who has been abused in one marriage, will likely be abused in the next marriage. I don't know if it is because the wife picks a partner who will abuse her, or if it is because the husband senses her weakness, or more likely, a combination of both. But a woman who is battered, whether verbally, financially, sexually or physical is fragile, and will end up walking back into the same situation over and over again. Those are the sad facts of domestic abuse.

So, where does that leave you? It leaves you as an abusive person, that she is willing to leave. It leaves you idealizing her as the "perfect wife." And when she is not perfect, it leaves you back abusing her, at least verbally, and the cycle of abuse. It leaves you blaming your work, your father's death, and not admitting what went on before your admitted change to this mean bully.

No one is saying you have to be perfect either, but reading a few books, without intensive therapy is not going to change the way you react and respond to her. She's been lied to, and abused. She has trust issues. And then, when you turn out to be cast in the mould of her ex, she rightfully wants out.

So what can you do? Well, leave her alone. Get counselling. And not from some Christian organization that tells you the problem is that your wife is not submissive enough. That is just from the pit of hell! Instead, find a secular counsellor who will help you understand what you are doing. Learn about the Cycle of Abuse. I'll bet my bottom dollar you have been in it in one form or another since you met her. And do seek God, on your knees and in the Word daily. And give up thinking that this time, somehow, you can stay in the "honeymoon" phase forever, when you will just slip into calm, and then tension building leading to an incident or "acting out" stage.

Cycle of Abuse

God wants us to be a servant of all. He wants us to love others before ourselves. See if these things apply. If they do not, then my apologies. But too many red flags for me!