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Thread: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

  1. #81
    Member DarkRose's Avatar
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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    To the OP;
    I didn't read this entire thread because..who has time...but sounds like youre in a tough situation. It's good that you're trying to correct it, and that you acknowledge the impact of your actions. It's good that you're working toward something to make yourself better. I don't know if you will ever get a second chance with your wife, but I would dare recommend "the passionate marriage". It's a book; I can't recall the author at the moment, but if you're interested I can check for you. It's not, I repeat, not a "Christian" book, but it really is good...all about interdependence and being your own person inside a marriage and how that reduces anger and discontentment and all that stuff.
    I saw you wrote that your wife has been in an abusive relationship before. That's hard. Hard for you, and hard for her. It will also make her more sensitive to any outburst by you. I think it's probably a good thing she had the courage to leave when she felt threatened. Maybe that means she feels she's worth defending. Abuse destroys our sense of self worth.
    Maybe now she needs to know that you think she's worth defending, too.

    On another note, some of the people on here...holy moly. Assumptions and accusations galore. Come on people. Do better.
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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    R8W8,

    I've read bits and pieces of the thread, but I'm responding to your opening post.

    It has to be a bad thing for someone to constantly hear criticism from the one they love, over and over. Nothing is good enough. It wears that person down after a while. So, if you reconcile, and I'll pray that you two do, this is something you need to be very careful not to do. Ask God to help you with it, and cultivate saying encouraging words to your wife. Express sincere gratitude for the good things she does, for her hard work, and give genuine, heart-felt compliments. But be selective with criticism and give it in a kind humble way. Consider how you would like to be treated, and be more gentle, since she is a woman and your wife.

    I know others have recommended marriage counseling. That sounds like a good idea. I think you should screen your Christian counselor to make sure you find someone really committed to putting marriages back together. I knew a couple that met a secular counselor. The husband had cheated on her, and the wife was just brutal the way she talked to him. The counselor recommended they separate. The husband really didn't appreciate that. I understand why she said it, but I wouldn't want to pay for counseling to have someone to tell my wife to leave me.

    The danger with separation is that it can end in divorce. Some people say it is good to take a step back, and that may be a positive thing. But if you separate from a wife who has some secular values when it comes to divorce, as many professing Christians do these days, too long a separation can make it hard to reconcile. On the other hand, you need to change, too, and not be a critical husband when you get back together.

    It sounds like her mother is in favor of you two staying together. Especially if she were close to her mother, I'd consider that as a way of communicating with her. If I were you, I'd ask around about Christian marriage counselors, and through talking to pastors and people who've been with them, or looking online, I'd try to find one who was fair and very pro-reconciliation.

    There are a lot of ideas and philosophies when it comes to abuse. It is possible that what you did falls into the category of verbal abuse. Some people think 'once an abuser, always an abuser' and think that if a man is a verbal abuser, then he is one hair away from beating a woman. They think that once he hits her, that's it, he's going to beat her forever. If a couple make up and argue later, they fit into their model where the abuser tries to make nice and then starts the cycle later. Some of the ideas about abuse come from a model based on a case study of one particularly abusive man.

    The idea that once a man is an abuser, he will always be one, and the wife should leave is an idea that some secular feminists hold to. This is the type of thinking I saw from a domestic violence shelter when one of my relatives went to it when I was younger. I read a bit of it. In some ways, it is anti-male.

    This type of philosophy isn't consistent with Christianity or the Bible, which teaches us that God sets us free, and that God works within us to will and to do according to His good pleasure. We no longer need to be slaves of sin.

    So I would advise you to find a counselor whose idea about abusers in marriage is that the abuser needs to repent and the marriage needs to be reconciled. Don't go to one who thinks that once a man is an abuser, he is always an abuser, and the wife needs to leave, and that verbal abuse will lead to physical abuse until he kills her.

    There may also be counselors, male and female, who like to blame everything on the husband, or the wife. Probably nowadays, blaming too much on the husband tends to be more the norm in the western world, though it may have been reversed in the past. You want to find a counselor who is fair in this regard.

    Also, I believe the husband is the head of the wife, and the wife is to submit to her husband. The husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave His life for her. If I were to go to a counselor, I'd want to find someone with the same beliefs. There may be some counselors out there who do not believe this, even if they call themselves Christian counselors.

    If I were you, I would pray about finding and lining up a good Christian marriage counselor, and approaching her mother about the idea, asking her advice. Her mother might pass on the suggestion to your wife if she agrees with it. She'd serve as a mediator.

    The whole hired counselor thing seems to be a feature found for the most part in western, individualistic societies. It is relatively modern and grew up as individualism evolved in the west as more and more people lived in cities disconnected from more collective style social groups. An expert on collectivism and individualism pointed out that in collectivist societies, professional counselors are almost unheard of. He said many Indians live in one house with extended family members. The older relatives will give a young, newly married man, for example, advice that he should not come home so late at night, but come home early and spend time with his new wife. There are always relatives giving advice, and it is easy to go somewhere to ask for advice.

    In my wife's people group, if a couple have marriage problems, their parents may meet together and try to mediate something to get them back together. My point is asking her mom for help in getting you back together is not that unnatural. If her mother is a kind, level-headed person who wants to see her stay married who can give her some wise advice, it would be better for her to listen to her than some sassy divorcee from work or the neighborhood who bad mouths men and tells her to move on and see someone else.

    I'm sorry if the forum is judgmental. It sounds like you know you have done wrong. You seem willing to take responsibility. I don't know how bad you were too her. You could be beating yourself up over mistakes that are smaller than some of the ones posters on the forum who are throwing stones at you have made themselves. Or you could have treated her very badly. Either way, it doesn't make sense for people to judge you based on assumptions and not things stated in your posts or things they could actually know. I've had people accuse me of things like being in favor of wife beating and other nasty things like that for writing in these forums that I believe in wives submitting to their husbands and similar ideas like those found in this post. It does not take much to be able to post in these forums. Anyone with an Internet connection who can type can sign up. So I'm sorry if some of the posts are excessively judgmental.

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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    Glad you are a man who is seeking out God and wanting a closer relationship with Him! Although you are in a tough situation in your marriage and other issues, we have a God who can do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us. This comes from Ephesians 3 v 20. God wants to Save you and Bless you and your marriage. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. Find a good Bible based church near you and speak to the Pastor about your desire to know God personally. Tell him about your marriage and other struggles. Ask the pastor to pray and read the Bible with you. Hand over your troubles to God. Wait patiently. God will answer. In addition, seek out wise advice on marriage from resources such as Family Life Today or Focus on the Family. They have great counseling, weekend seminars, radio broadcasts and insightful articles. Prayers for you that your Hope is soon restored! God Bless!

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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    Quote Originally Posted by DarkRose View Post
    To the OP;
    I didn't read this entire thread because..who has time...but sounds like youre in a tough situation. It's good that you're trying to correct it, and that you acknowledge the impact of your actions. It's good that you're working toward something to make yourself better. I don't know if you will ever get a second chance with your wife, but I would dare recommend "the passionate marriage". It's a book; I can't recall the author at the moment, but if you're interested I can check for you. It's not, I repeat, not a "Christian" book, but it really is good...all about interdependence and being your own person inside a marriage and how that reduces anger and discontentment and all that stuff.
    I saw you wrote that your wife has been in an abusive relationship before. That's hard. Hard for you, and hard for her. It will also make her more sensitive to any outburst by you. I think it's probably a good thing she had the courage to leave when she felt threatened. Maybe that means she feels she's worth defending. Abuse destroys our sense of self worth.
    Maybe now she needs to know that you think she's worth defending, too.

    On another note, some of the people on here...holy moly. Assumptions and accusations galore. Come on people. Do better.
    You didn't read the full thread, because of lack of time, but still take the time to make assumptions and accusations yourself?
    Lynn

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    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    I don't see any assumptions or accusations in her post, other than commenting on what the OP said in his initial post..


    Quote Originally Posted by Depleted View Post
    You didn't read the full thread, because of lack of time, but still take the time to make assumptions and accusations yourself?
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    Quote Originally Posted by pottersclay View Post
    Blue_ladybug is innocent, as we know in scripture " all people who like orange tabbies are innocent."

    Quote Originally Posted by TruthTalk View Post

    I love "Orange Tabbies" , God created the world and then, "Orange Tabbies" .....

    Go to my profile Blog tab to read my testimonies.






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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    I would suggest working on yourself to get her back. It seems that you have alot of deep rooted issues that you need to fix. Because if you don't you will end up in the same situation, but different faces. Your wife, she wants to see change. And in order for you to truly be changed, you need healing. Yes God can help us, but you also need to go to counseling. Start going. Let some time go by ,for you and your wife and then let her know that you've been going to counseling and working on yourself. And stick with it. Because I'm in the same boat. My ex is wacked.. and he begs and begs ,but I am not going to get back with an abuser. He needs me to feel good about himself... He has alot of issues. I need a man to lead my family, not a boy. That is how you are probably being viewed as well my friend. On a positive note: you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. You wanted an honest opinion, I have given not only that but also a similar circumstance and the others perspective as well. Good luck my friend
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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    Quote Originally Posted by Depleted View Post
    You didn't read the full thread, because of lack of time, but still take the time to make assumptions and accusations yourself?
    assumptions and accusations are what kept me from reading the whole thread.
    and in response to your accusation that i'm assuming and accusing....you can't be serious.

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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    It's been a while since you posted this so much has probably happened. I'd say first, just give her, her space. If she wants some time away, let her have it and don't call her over and over and frantically try and "get her back" instantaneously. Definitely seek God earnestly in prayer and give this to him. Let him guide you in what to do and in what changes in yourself you should make.

    You said you are "jealous". That is a little vague and doesn't really indicate what you are doing. What things does she do that bring out jealousness? If you are doing wrong things then stop it. I don't know if you two argue correctly but even if you argue and disagree you have to have rules and still treat each other with respect when you argue. I hope you aren't yelling and calling her names.

    Is your jealousness justified? Is she hanging out a lot alone with other men, going to singles clubs and drinking with her girlfriends all the time, going on business trips alone with male colleagues? I mean, are you just unreasonable or is she legitimately doing things that hurt you? You never said or if you did I skimmed by it too fast.

    Is she really is doing things that bother you honestly tell her in a calm, mature, respectful way and honestly reveal it is hurting you. If she is a good wife she'll most likely do her best to stop the things once she sees it hurts your heart. By the way you describe it, it sounds like you are being unreasonable. If you are stop doing it immediately, give her space and time to think and to start missing you, pray about this without ceasing and if/when you argue, argue with maturity and be respectful.
    Last edited by DerVille; July 14th, 2017 at 08:55 AM.

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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    Update:

    So I still haven't really spoke to her much. She will message me that she needs like $100 for general upkeep. That's only twice in the past month or so. So she's living very minimal right now.

    As for me, I'm still pursuing improvement as a man. I found a church I like. I have stuck to my diet and workout plan. I lost 20 lbs over the past few months. (Before this happened because the heat I think). sounds unhealthy but it's because my diet is super lean. I haven't even had seasoning lol. But I am eating plenty of protein and getting my nutrients. I work 10 hours a day mon-sat. Work out mon, tues, thurs, fri and sat.

    So weds and sun I go to church. I'm happy to say that lucky for me they're doing their annual baptism next week. They call it plunge night.

    The class was supposed to be last night but I guess they started early. They said "no problem, just come next week and we will give you a brief rundown". Cool, so I'll just go to weds service. What I thought was an accident at the time, God brought me into a "next step" group. Which so happened to be the beginning of a 6 week program. So I sat in and met som really nice people. Everyone was so welcoming. The woman who signed me in introduced me to people individually as "her friend" and everyone was ginuinely excited to have me. It felt nice and I will be completing the program.

    I'm struggling to see myself without my wife. I pray more than I ever have but it's less about her and more just talking to a friend. Feels great.

    I like that I have an opportunity to meet people who are excited about God as I am. I like that they're involved with the golf course a lot. They do missions trips (just got back from El Salvador, Israel next in October) maybe one day I'll make it a point to experience that.

    I do wish she comes around and gets to meet these great couples I'm meeting. I like that I have so many opportunities to be involved in the church and not just attend on Sunday. I have a peace in my heart that tells me "you'll be okay" either way. Even though it might be hard.


    I'm still going to do what I can to save my marriage, but I know it will be at God's pace. And if i can't, that it's what God wants. Playing everything by ear at this point and just trying to build the most important relationship stronger every day.


    Thank you all for letting me vent. Thanks for the advice. Even the advice that I didn't want to hear. God bless you all.
    Last edited by RBW8; July 20th, 2017 at 11:03 PM. Reason: Grammar
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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    Prayer is the best thing you can do. Learn from your mistakes and treat her right if she comes back. I hope she does.
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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    Quote Originally Posted by RBW8 View Post
    But is there ANYTHING I can do at this point?
    There's plenty you can do at this point.

    You have not said a word about your personal relationship to the Lord Jesus Christ. So here is what you can do (if you are not saved already, or saved and baptized as a believer):

    1. Sit down with your pastor or an elder in your church and ask them to show you from the Bible how to be saved and know it.

    2. Repent and believe on the Lord Jesus Christ.

    3. Be baptized as a believer in a Bible church.

    4. Then write your wife a letter explaining that you have truly repented and been born again and wish to be a genuine Christian husband.

    5. Ask your pastor to also write her a letter to confirm that you have truly turned your life over to Christ, and will obey Him in all things.

    6. The Lord has commanded Christian husbands to love their wives AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH AND GAVE HIMSELF FOR IT. Which means a self-sacrificing love for your wife.

    7. Then move forward as a Christian couple to serve God and Christ, not yourselves. Understand that you are a servant of Christ and He expects you to be a faithful servant.
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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    I think everything is possible. If you really realized that you were wrong and you do want her to come back, you'd better tell her about it only one time and give her some time to calm down and think everything over. But later you should convince her that you have changed and prove that you really love her and will do your best for her happiness. If she loves you, I think, she will forgive you and come back.

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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    sometimes you simply have to live with the results of your own actions.

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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    Well on my birthday during the hurricane Harvey, I messaged her father about getting in touch with her. I got water in the cab of my truck and needed to make a claim. She is the primary on our insurance so she had to make the claim (she has a CDL and it's cheaper).

    So that convo was the first convo I had with her. She was reluctant to do it but it was business and it happened. It turned into a 7 hour conversation. She agreed to dinner when she got back the next day.


    She sees the change. She is reluctant so I told her let's take it slow. We are working things out and it feels great. Thanks for all the kind words. Thanks for all the criticism. We are going to seek marriage counciling but we have a closeness. When she wants to vent I let her talk and don't try to correct her. This is going great.

    I feel this had to happen this extreme because it stopped bad habits I didn't know I had. It helped her. And most importantly it helped me have a true relationship with GOD.

    I brought her to my church today. She immediately fell in love the same way. We are finally equally yoked and it feels so good to be on the same page. I know it'll be work. Constant pursuit. For the word and for one another's happiness. I'm just glad I have the opportunity to do that.

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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    Quote Originally Posted by RBW8 View Post
    Well on my birthday during the hurricane Harvey, I messaged her father about getting in touch with her. I got water in the cab of my truck and needed to make a claim. She is the primary on our insurance so she had to make the claim (she has a CDL and it's cheaper).

    So that convo was the first convo I had with her. She was reluctant to do it but it was business and it happened. It turned into a 7 hour conversation. She agreed to dinner when she got back the next day.


    She sees the change. She is reluctant so I told her let's take it slow. We are working things out and it feels great. Thanks for all the kind words. Thanks for all the criticism. We are going to seek marriage counciling but we have a closeness. When she wants to vent I let her talk and don't try to correct her. This is going great.

    I feel this had to happen this extreme because it stopped bad habits I didn't know I had. It helped her. And most importantly it helped me have a true relationship with GOD.

    I brought her to my church today. She immediately fell in love the same way. We are finally equally yoked and it feels so good to be on the same page. I know it'll be work. Constant pursuit. For the word and for one another's happiness. I'm just glad I have the opportunity to do that.



    Praise God!
    1ofthem likes this.
    The best way to help others understand and experience God's love better is to understand and experience it better yourself.

    Understanding and experiencing God's love better everyday is the most important task for anyone who considers him/herself to be a Christian.


    Love without truth is deception. Truth without love is arrogance. God's love and God's truth balanced is God's wisdom.

    The more one promotes himself and/or his ideas, the less he cares about eternal life for others.

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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    Quote Originally Posted by RBW8 View Post
    Well on my birthday during the hurricane Harvey, I messaged her father about getting in touch with her. I got water in the cab of my truck and needed to make a claim. She is the primary on our insurance so she had to make the claim (she has a CDL and it's cheaper).

    So that convo was the first convo I had with her. She was reluctant to do it but it was business and it happened. It turned into a 7 hour conversation. She agreed to dinner when she got back the next day.


    She sees the change. She is reluctant so I told her let's take it slow. We are working things out and it feels great. Thanks for all the kind words. Thanks for all the criticism. We are going to seek marriage counciling but we have a closeness. When she wants to vent I let her talk and don't try to correct her. This is going great.

    I feel this had to happen this extreme because it stopped bad habits I didn't know I had. It helped her. And most importantly it helped me have a true relationship with GOD.

    I brought her to my church today. She immediately fell in love the same way. We are finally equally yoked and it feels so good to be on the same page. I know it'll be work. Constant pursuit. For the word and for one another's happiness. I'm just glad I have the opportunity to do that.


    Many people ask "why does God let bad things happen?" It strikes me you're proof that he uses bad things to make good things happen.

    Great news!
    MarcR and oldethennew like this.
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    Quote Originally Posted by Depleted View Post


    Many people ask "why does God let bad things happen?" It strikes me you're proof that he uses bad things to make good things happen.

    Great news!

    Amen! This couldn't have happened without the storm...
    Depleted likes this.

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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    I'm glad things are looking better for you.

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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    Quote Originally Posted by RBW8 View Post
    This is the best woman I've ever met and I did not treat her like so. My jealousy and anger ruined our relationship. She is faithful and is God fearing. Today I left. She left exactly a week ago today. Will not speak to me on the phone. Will barely respond to messages on social media (the only way I've been able to contact her).

    she put God back in my life. She truly walks the walk. I was. It good to get. I thought that just because I provided for her, gave her lots of physical attention and didn't cheat that I was a great husband. I wasn't.

    i was jealous and threatened her over the phone the day she left. Her mom doesn't want this for us because we are close too. Her mom said that my wife told her that she always feels like everything she does is wrong and nothing is ever good enough.

    shes right. That's how I treated her. I never realized it until now. I've been reading some books. I'd like some recommendations for good books that might help.

    Any advice? Right now I'm leacing because I feel she needs her space. I keep begging but I stopped that too. I pray she has forgiveness once she leaves her friends and goes home. I pray that she can see that I see where I was wrong and can be good to and for her. I never want to feel this way again. I don't want to lose my wife. She's perfect. Can I get some ways to "win her back". Without showing up at the house begging. I want to respect her space and I know ultimately she will have to make her decision on her own. But is there ANYTHING I can do at this point?
    #1. Pray. Only Jesus Christ can help you live that reconcile relationship with God; not her. She can't be there for you all the time, but God can because Jesus Christ is in you.

    #2. Do suggest your wife to read 1 Corinthians 7th chapter, because she has no grounds for a divorce in God's eye, but also you should read it too as there are instructions in there for you to pray and fast so you can get back together again.

    #3. Take your wife off of that pedestal. She is not perfect. She is seeking a divorce. That ought to prove that she is not perfect in the way of abiding in the Lord as she ought to be. She needs your love ( Christ's love ) and forgiveness too.

    Look at what Christ's love is as identified with charity.

    1 Corinthians 13:4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

    So love cannot insist on your own way. It is not boastful. It is not proud. You can read what love really is.

    You want to win her back? Have Jesus Christ on that pedestal instead of your wife. She needs Him just as much as you do. By setting the example, you may just inspire her to do the same in seeing Jesus changing your ways on how to love her.

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    Default Re: My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

    Quote Originally Posted by RBW8 View Post
    This is the best woman I've ever met and I did not treat her like so. My jealousy and anger ruined our relationship. She is faithful and is God fearing. Today I left. She left exactly a week ago today. Will not speak to me on the phone. Will barely respond to messages on social media (the only way I've been able to contact her).

    she put God back in my life. She truly walks the walk. I was. It good to get. I thought that just because I provided for her, gave her lots of physical attention and didn't cheat that I was a great husband. I wasn't.

    i was jealous and threatened her over the phone the day she left. Her mom doesn't want this for us because we are close too. Her mom said that my wife told her that she always feels like everything she does is wrong and nothing is ever good enough.

    shes right. That's how I treated her. I never realized it until now. I've been reading some books. I'd like some recommendations for good books that might help.

    Any advice? Right now I'm leacing because I feel she needs her space. I keep begging but I stopped that too. I pray she has forgiveness once she leaves her friends and goes home. I pray that she can see that I see where I was wrong and can be good to and for her. I never want to feel this way again. I don't want to lose my wife. She's perfect. Can I get some ways to "win her back". Without showing up at the house begging. I want to respect her space and I know ultimately she will have to make her decision on her own. But is there ANYTHING I can do at this point?
    actions speak louder then words. I have an abusive husband who says all the time he is sorry for this or that and makes and excuse why he is being ugly blahh blahh. If you show the change is real then maybe you have a chance at restoring your relationship. It will take a long time if she is willing to try you have many years of ugly behavior to change and prove the change is legit not just to get her back and fall in you old ways again...
    Let He Who lives without sin cast the first stone.

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