When children disobey...
- Thread starter mar09
- Start date
-
Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.
If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!
To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
Depends on the situation and the kid and also what they did. I babysit my little niece and nephew and they both are very hyper and also don't like to listen. Kaylyne is six and d.j. is nine Kaylyne is more sensitive and so I speak in a softer tone with her D.J. however is a rebellious and doesn't care what you do or say and so I have to use a much more stern tone with him. mostly making them sit on the couch unable to do anything works the best with of course the constant sit still and be quite spoken to them. It drives them crazy not being able to do anything and just sit there and sometimes I have to go to more drastic measures and take away their electronics until they can earn them back by behaving.
If I were in this situation, I would NEVER think about hitting my kids in any way. That's just mean and wrong. I've also heard some people say that ignoring bad, petty behavior and praising good behavior is the way to go. Punishment gives kids the attention they might want, so it could actually make them even more likely to repeat that behavior.
J
Unfortunately, the "sense of entitlement" is learned VERY EARLY in a child's life by the way they are disciplined (or not). There is an old, but very simple quote, "Let the punishment fit the 'crime' ". Kids are intelligent very early and if you notice they repeat the same behavior after being punished for it, then the question becomes... "If there are no consequences to bad behavior...why expect it to change"?
W
Like the others said, it depends on a lot of factors.
Some things go for all situations and age groups though:
Consistency:
- If cussing is no-no toay, it is not OK tomorrow either.
Predictability:
- The same kind of behaviour should result in the same or same level of response ....
(Unless it is a matter of doing the same thing over and over to "test" you I guess)
- ... from all people in authority
(Won't help if "Jack" says No and "Joe" says Yes)
Fairness:
If there are more than one child involved: Make sure none get away with it. ...and that they don't stir each other up.
Some things go for all situations and age groups though:
Consistency:
- If cussing is no-no toay, it is not OK tomorrow either.
Predictability:
- The same kind of behaviour should result in the same or same level of response ....
(Unless it is a matter of doing the same thing over and over to "test" you I guess)
- ... from all people in authority
(Won't help if "Jack" says No and "Joe" says Yes)
Fairness:
If there are more than one child involved: Make sure none get away with it. ...and that they don't stir each other up.
Thank you all for the responses. Actually i wanted to mention something on age, but it is alright any and all replies on dealing with disobedience is welcome. We deal w/ children any time, at home or outside, even those not our children. Like nieces and nephews, grandkids, others.
Yes, dealing with younger kids is lots different than with older ones. I remember doing the Broken record style w/ our older children, repeating an instruction or comment to the child until (s)he hopefully complies. I do not mind the slap on small children's hand when they touch or hold something off-limits, like something breakable, but sometimes the need to put this up or away not that accessible. Of course that does not always work.
But you know winerose, i do not think hitting them on the butt when done calmly and when explained to them why it is being done, is mean and wrong. Long ago, we had a rather strict uncle who'd have us cousins lie down on a mat for siesta during summer vacations. He had a stick i dont remember if he used much tho, for i was quite young. It was never used on me, but it deterred me from getting up when we were being put to sleep in the warm afternoons when the adults wanted a nap as well=).
Oo (Yes, read o-o), jessie, kids are quite intelligent. Of course we have to deal differently w/ different kids personalities, upbringing, beliefs. It also happens that when u tried your best, an older child will say ___ is spoiled. Which he may be in one or other ways.
Fairness to kids (sibs) is a tricky thing, for they have varied needs at various ages, and it takes time and ways to let them understand ur being as fair as possible. My mother was a very fair person. She would slice a cake so that everyone has a share and none should touch or take unless the other says it is alright to get his share; my hubby says at home, they would serve and put away some. But if ur slow or out, someone may take your share and it was no big deal. They were learning to think/move fast and if youre a sluggard, then learn to catch up! So i guess unless we understand why people act and believe the way they do, we may think some acts need correcting or disciplining. Ah, there is of course the culture thing. Here, altho we minimize ínterfering' with others' kids, when we are at their grandparents' place and nieces or nephews are not polite or disobey, i took the trouble to tell or remind them in the presence of others, nicely when i can. I didnt think that was being over, or offensive, and took the burden off grandparents reminding or reprimanding.
Yes, dealing with younger kids is lots different than with older ones. I remember doing the Broken record style w/ our older children, repeating an instruction or comment to the child until (s)he hopefully complies. I do not mind the slap on small children's hand when they touch or hold something off-limits, like something breakable, but sometimes the need to put this up or away not that accessible. Of course that does not always work.
But you know winerose, i do not think hitting them on the butt when done calmly and when explained to them why it is being done, is mean and wrong. Long ago, we had a rather strict uncle who'd have us cousins lie down on a mat for siesta during summer vacations. He had a stick i dont remember if he used much tho, for i was quite young. It was never used on me, but it deterred me from getting up when we were being put to sleep in the warm afternoons when the adults wanted a nap as well=).
Oo (Yes, read o-o), jessie, kids are quite intelligent. Of course we have to deal differently w/ different kids personalities, upbringing, beliefs. It also happens that when u tried your best, an older child will say ___ is spoiled. Which he may be in one or other ways.
Fairness to kids (sibs) is a tricky thing, for they have varied needs at various ages, and it takes time and ways to let them understand ur being as fair as possible. My mother was a very fair person. She would slice a cake so that everyone has a share and none should touch or take unless the other says it is alright to get his share; my hubby says at home, they would serve and put away some. But if ur slow or out, someone may take your share and it was no big deal. They were learning to think/move fast and if youre a sluggard, then learn to catch up! So i guess unless we understand why people act and believe the way they do, we may think some acts need correcting or disciplining. Ah, there is of course the culture thing. Here, altho we minimize ínterfering' with others' kids, when we are at their grandparents' place and nieces or nephews are not polite or disobey, i took the trouble to tell or remind them in the presence of others, nicely when i can. I didnt think that was being over, or offensive, and took the burden off grandparents reminding or reprimanding.
I wanted to add, sometimes i tend to ígnore' when a child chooses not to do or move, which is not always a good thing. For ex., You dont want to help w/ lunch? Ok, then i'd prep a simple (sometimes the simplest dish/viand i could) or cook rice and leave them to decide what to add! I can give a sermon at times, but i so dislike it when i do, so at times i keep quiet and do other business and let the older children do what they can.
I believe in raising children on discipline. All that timeout and ignoring bad behavior doesn't work. Spankings do work but should be done in a non abusive manner and last option if taking away privileges dont work. If you ignore bad behavior the child is going to be in for a rude awakening when they are out in the world. The problem is many parents want to be their childs friend instead of their parent
T
Direct disobedience is the only thing I remember getting spanked for. My suggestion to you is this:
1. Outline what you expect; (e.g. "I expect you to obey me when I talk to you." or "I expect you to do it cheerfully," or "without arguing" or whatever).
2. Make it clear what punishment they can expect when they disobey.
3. Pick your battlegrounds
4. Enforce it, only after you have outlined what is expected and what punishment they can expect if they disobey.
You know your child, you know what kind of punishment is going to be most beneficial to them. It's going to change from child to child.
1. Outline what you expect; (e.g. "I expect you to obey me when I talk to you." or "I expect you to do it cheerfully," or "without arguing" or whatever).
2. Make it clear what punishment they can expect when they disobey.
3. Pick your battlegrounds
4. Enforce it, only after you have outlined what is expected and what punishment they can expect if they disobey.
You know your child, you know what kind of punishment is going to be most beneficial to them. It's going to change from child to child.
I don't know if you're talking about toddlers or teenagers, so I'll say only what covers every age. Train a child in the way they should go. It is not enough to tell them one time, or two times- but every time. It is most important that you are consistent, and that each of you has each others full attention- demand eye contact.
Have discipline mapped out in advance- smallest to greatest. But never do anything that leaves a physical mark, or an emotional scar. But after that, in order to go beyond correcting and into training, you have to get down to the root- which means talking if they're old enough. What were they thinking? Correct their wrongful thinking with the corresponding bible verse.
Once in a while test the waters- purposely tell your child no about something, check to see if they followed through with your instructions.
Make sure they have chores, and that those chores don't take more than an hour a day for a teen, a half hour for a ten year old, or fifteen minutes under age five. As soon as a child can pick up a toy and put it in the toy box, start calling it daily chores.
And I can't express this enough- make sure your child is getting regular quality time with you. Some children purposely try to push your buttons- because to them negative attention is better than no attention at all.
Whether you realize it or not, you are the biggest influence in their life, and they want to please you. They want the consistency of firm boundaries, and will test them to make sure they are still there. If they are,
your child might seem annoyed, but they feel loved.
This is a shame: parents who don't parent. It's simple- if you see them do wrong, say it's wrong and show them how to do it- every time. Consistency is how Anne Sullivan finally got through to Hellen Keller.
Train. Train. Train... TRAIN!
Have discipline mapped out in advance- smallest to greatest. But never do anything that leaves a physical mark, or an emotional scar. But after that, in order to go beyond correcting and into training, you have to get down to the root- which means talking if they're old enough. What were they thinking? Correct their wrongful thinking with the corresponding bible verse.
Once in a while test the waters- purposely tell your child no about something, check to see if they followed through with your instructions.
Make sure they have chores, and that those chores don't take more than an hour a day for a teen, a half hour for a ten year old, or fifteen minutes under age five. As soon as a child can pick up a toy and put it in the toy box, start calling it daily chores.
And I can't express this enough- make sure your child is getting regular quality time with you. Some children purposely try to push your buttons- because to them negative attention is better than no attention at all.
Whether you realize it or not, you are the biggest influence in their life, and they want to please you. They want the consistency of firm boundaries, and will test them to make sure they are still there. If they are,
your child might seem annoyed, but they feel loved.
This is a shame: parents who don't parent. It's simple- if you see them do wrong, say it's wrong and show them how to do it- every time. Consistency is how Anne Sullivan finally got through to Hellen Keller.
Train. Train. Train... TRAIN!
Last edited:
I have been thinking abt this, of many parents befriending their children. To some extent we do, but i understand and see many who do act just like their children, instead of being an older person who cares, teaches, corrects and nurtures their child. Parenting and growing up is not all fun, but some want it to be so, so that when problems arise, either the parent or the child cannot cope. For ex., i have a niece whose daughter is not very respectful to her father. Idk for sure, but i see the mother as quite lax w/ the child, to the point of spoiling, and the children hearing their parents when they argued, but there'd be other factors. It wasnt many times, but when i witnessed such disrespect or disobedience, i thought i should not let it pass to remind the child who she was talking to.
Correct them. Every time.
Your approach should be age appropriate- to the best of their current understanding. And the severity should start soft and get harder as needed. The harshest discipline should always be the last resort, except for emergencies- such as running into traffic. If your discipline has reached the severity of being physical, never do it whilst you are angry, and never do anything that will leave a mark or bruise, or an emotional scar. Have your disciplines set in advance. Never turn a blind eye, correct them every time.
The difference between punishment and discipline is that punishment focuses on you- relieving your anger and sense of revenge, power, and control, while discipline focuses on the child- showing them how they went the wrong way, and how to go the right way- so that they can live and learn from their mistake.
And train them! Make them accountable. If a child draws on the wall with crayons after you told them not to, don't just spank them and say no. First of all I believe in time-out (one minute per age- a four year old gets four minutes), with spanking as a last resort, with a warning so that it's in their control whether they get spanked or not, then they can see the consequences of their decisions. But get out a wash bucket with dish soap, and have them attempt to clean it. Make it long enough for them to regret and not want to do it again in the future.
An older example, is like if my daughter won't answer her phone- like she left headphones in and couldn't hear it ring, or didn't answer cause she knew I would tell her what she don't want to hear- like it's time to leave the store, quit looking around and meet me in front, etc. Then she gets her phone taken away for 24 hours. If the purpose of her having a phone isn't being met, then her having a phone won't be met. Does it end there? Oh no, no, no. There's an opening of the Bible, and a reading of scriptures she didn't go by. Also a look at her root thinking of why she made a bad choice, and a verbal visualization of her rewinding and doing the situation over with the right choice.
Train. Train. Train a child in the way they should go. Do you coach a football player by saying "When the game starts, take the ball to the other end of the field." Then walk away? No! Don't be lazy. Teach them the play by play and have them practice it. The statistics of a child (or an adult) making the wrong choice is 100% in everyone. So expect it and correct it. Someday they will have to parent themselves in their own mind. How well will you train them to do that?
Your approach should be age appropriate- to the best of their current understanding. And the severity should start soft and get harder as needed. The harshest discipline should always be the last resort, except for emergencies- such as running into traffic. If your discipline has reached the severity of being physical, never do it whilst you are angry, and never do anything that will leave a mark or bruise, or an emotional scar. Have your disciplines set in advance. Never turn a blind eye, correct them every time.
The difference between punishment and discipline is that punishment focuses on you- relieving your anger and sense of revenge, power, and control, while discipline focuses on the child- showing them how they went the wrong way, and how to go the right way- so that they can live and learn from their mistake.
And train them! Make them accountable. If a child draws on the wall with crayons after you told them not to, don't just spank them and say no. First of all I believe in time-out (one minute per age- a four year old gets four minutes), with spanking as a last resort, with a warning so that it's in their control whether they get spanked or not, then they can see the consequences of their decisions. But get out a wash bucket with dish soap, and have them attempt to clean it. Make it long enough for them to regret and not want to do it again in the future.
An older example, is like if my daughter won't answer her phone- like she left headphones in and couldn't hear it ring, or didn't answer cause she knew I would tell her what she don't want to hear- like it's time to leave the store, quit looking around and meet me in front, etc. Then she gets her phone taken away for 24 hours. If the purpose of her having a phone isn't being met, then her having a phone won't be met. Does it end there? Oh no, no, no. There's an opening of the Bible, and a reading of scriptures she didn't go by. Also a look at her root thinking of why she made a bad choice, and a verbal visualization of her rewinding and doing the situation over with the right choice.
Train. Train. Train a child in the way they should go. Do you coach a football player by saying "When the game starts, take the ball to the other end of the field." Then walk away? No! Don't be lazy. Teach them the play by play and have them practice it. The statistics of a child (or an adult) making the wrong choice is 100% in everyone. So expect it and correct it. Someday they will have to parent themselves in their own mind. How well will you train them to do that?
Last edited: